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The Citizen, 2008-10-02, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2008. PAGE 5. Bonnie Gropp TThhee sshhoorrtt ooff iitt Practically perfect Most bizarre headline I’ve seen this week? Los Angeles Times: TWO SHOT IN BICYCLE DRIVE-BY OUTSIDE SOUTH L.A. HOUSE. Bicycle drive-by? American hitmen are now pedalling bicycles to and from their assignations? What next – pogo sticks? Skateboards? Don’t bet against it. When you put Americans and their sacrosanct RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS into the same equation the outcome is anybody’s guess. Take the man California cops found slumped over and bleeding heavily from what was euphemistically described as ‘massive groin damage’ caused by a gunshot. The guy also tried to blame ‘drive-by shooters’ for his predicament, but the cops noticed a sawed-off shotgun lying nearby and figured out the truth. The ‘victim’ – a member of an L.A. gang – had been practising his macho moves by jamming the shotgun in his waistband and sneering into a mirror. Somehow he managed to discharge both barrels into his ahem, pants. The good news is, he didn’t die. The headline should have read: MAN BLOWS BRAINS OUT, LIVES. Then there was the story out of Harrold, Texas where the school district officials have voted in favour of arming their elementary school teachers with concealed handguns. There are 110 kids enrolled in the Harrold Independent School, ranging from kindergarten to Grade 12. They already live with constant camera surveillance and a school-wide alarm system. Each student must swipe a card to enter and exit the school. Teachers have access to a Kill Button that instantly locks all school doors. Not enough, the school board deemed. “I can lead my children from a tornado,” intones school superintendent David Thweatt, “I can lead them from a fire. I can lead them from a toxic spill quickly. I cannot lead them from an active shooter.” Right. And the Grade 9 music teacher swapping bullets with a gun-toting maniac over the students’heads? That should work out well. To be fair, not every adult in Harrold, Texas is a mouth-breathing idiot. Gayle Fallon, president of the Houston Federation of Teachers, called the new policy ‘embarrassing’ and “the stupidest move that I have seen done in public education.” She warns that all those guns in a school setting constitute a tragedy waiting to happen. “Children have one thing in common,” says Ms Fallon. “They are all fascinated by guns, and they will play with them if they find them.” And not just children. About 30,000 Americans use a gun to kill themselves or others each year. Another 75,000 or so merely cripple themselves like Joe Macho, above. By comparison, about 1200 Canadians die from gunshot wounds each year – still appalling, but a statistic that the city of Detroit, say, would, er…kill for. It’s not because Canadians are smarter, it’s because it’s a whole lot harder to pack heat in Victoria, B.C. than it is in Buena Vista, Virginia. You can’t buy a Saturday Night Special in a Canadian pawn shop. And we don’t have a National Rifle Association to bloviate about Canadians’ natural-born right to carry AK 47 assault rifles with armour-piercing shells into the supermarket. Canada – indeed the rest of the world – is not nearly so insane about arming its civilians as our pistol-packin’ friends to the south – but that doesn’t mean we’re immune. A few days after the grisly murder and decapitation of a passenger on a Greyhound bus in Manitoba, some gun nut wrote a letter to the editor of my local paper opining that the whole incident could have been avoided “if just one passenger on that bus had been carrying a gun”. Uh huh. And if that one passenger happened to be the killer – sporting, say a MAC-10 machine pistol (1,000 rounds per minute) instead of a machete… An old teacher of mine once cautioned me that there are three topics you should never raise at the dinner table: sex, politics and religion. If you happen to be breaking bread with a Right Thinking American, I’d add ‘guns’ to that list. Tempers will flare and no minds will be changed. My second-favourite news story of late? The one about bridegroom Jeff Nichols of San Diego lifting the hem of his wife’s wedding gown to retrieve her garter so he could toss it into the crowd, only to encounter a thigh holster, complete with loaded revolver. Jeff’s blushing bride is a police officer, you see. His response:“Oops, wrong leg.” Much merriment all around. My question:Who the hell wants to live in a country where it’s considered amusing when the blushing bride wears a loaded pistol under her wedding gown? Arthur Black Other Views America: armed and dangerous T his is a federal election, so why are so many people more identified with Ontario politics popping up all over it? More with connections to the provincial scene are involved in the Oct. 14 federal election than any since George Drew quit as premier over half-a-century ago. He took some supporters with him and led the federal Progressive Conservatives unsuccessfully in two elections. Former New Democrat premier Bob Rae, who defected to the federal Liberals partly because they win more elections, has been assigned a featured role because leader Stephane Dion has failed to appeal to voters and the party wants to demonstrate instead it has a strong team. The former premier has spoken at rallies as far away as Vancouver, where he made a plea that must have made New Democrats fume even more. Rae urged his former comrades to rally behind the Liberals because theirs is the only party with a chance of defeating fearsome Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper, while a vote for the NDP would be wasted. Rae resorted to a tactic he deplored when he led the provincial New Democrats and rivals urged them to vote to keep out the party they disliked most, rather than for the party they preferred. Or vote strategically, as they tried to sugar-coat it. Rae must have lost irretrievably any friends in his former party, but is strengthening his base for another run for federal Liberal leader, if Dion fails dismally, as polls suggest. Gerard Kennedy, the former Ontario Liberal education minister running federally, also is being pictured prominently as another in Dion’s team. But Dion is leader because Kennedy threw crucial support to him at a leadership convention and Kennedy could be burdened in the next leadership race for having poor judgment. Three former Ontario Conservatives who switched to become senior ministers under Harper are very much in the federal campaign, whether they want to be or not. Jim Flaherty, once premier Mike Harris’s deputy-premier and now Harper’s finance minister, is being attacked by federal Liberal ads for having said Ontario’s tax rates are too high and implying he could understand why businesses are reluctant to invest in the province. Tony Clement, another minister under both Harris and Harper, is being criticized because he was at the Democratic Party convention in Denver, watching Barack Obama being chosen candidate for president, and unavailable to answer questions about one of the biggest tainted food concerns in history, involving Maple Leaf Foods. John Baird, a minister under Harris and now Harper’s environment minister, is being targeted by the federal Liberals as a key proponent of downsizing and privatizing government that weakened food and water protection disastrously in Ontario. Liberals in the legislature have been quick to seize opportunities to disparage the federal Conservatives since the election was called. Premier Dalton McGuinty has complained his government could cut more taxes, train more workers and build more infrastructure if the Harper government would allow it to keep more of the revenue it collects in Ontario. Although there is no sign this will develop into the influential issue McGuinty wants. His new economic development minister, Michael Bryant, in almost his first words, labelled Flaherty as the only politician ever to discourage investing in Ontario. Attorney General Chris Bentley has quarrelled with the federal Conservatives’ promise of much stiffer penalties for teenagers who commit violent crimes and said they have “got it backwards” and should ban handguns and contribute more to the cost of police. Culture Minister Aileen Carroll has protested federal Conservative cuts of $45 million in spending on arts and culture hurt a sector that pumps $46 billion a year into the national economy and urged other federal parties to oppose them. McGuinty has added that Ontarians “attach a high value to arts.” Ontarians are more involved in this federal election for a variety of reasons, but one is that there is a federal government that provides more targets to shoot at. Eric Dowd FFrroomm QQuueeeenn’’ss PPaarrkk There’s no getting around it anymore. I can be bemused and confused, but the proof is in the purchase, so to speak. Some background if I may. One morning, a couple of years ago, I was preparing breakfast for my daughter and her boyfriend. I couldn’t help but notice he seemed intent upon my frying pan, which I admit had seen better days. Having been married for quite some time my shiny new wedding gifts are well worn and well acquainted with me. They are comfortably familiar. As long as they work, I can look past the cracked handles and broken lids. It was much to my surprise, therefore, when the next Christmas I opened a gift from these two and discovered a shiny new frying pan and utensils. My girl, knowing what a baby I am about being pampered and indulged, fretted a bit that I might not be happy with something so utilitarian. It was all his idea she said. However, much to her surprise, and to no small degree, my own, I was thrilled. I mean, it wasn’t as if the gift had come from my guy. Who for the record has known for a long, long time that being practical when buying gifts for me is not a good move. The tale takes us now to a recent day when the kids were again visiting. As I prepared supper, we recalled that frying pan while chuckling about a missing handle on a pot sitting simmering on my stove. After they returned home later that evening they called to tell me of a sale on some top- quality cookware and asked me if I wanted them to pick them up for me. I hesitated, because as noted above, I’ve gotten used to my tired kitchen items, and begrudge spending money that would be better spent on fun things. But suddenly, there was this adult voice inside my head, saying, “Just do it.” Weirder yet, was that after I hung up, I asked my honey if he’d like to give me the pots as a birthday present. His stunned moment of silence, his puzzled expression, signified I presume, he was agonizing over whether this was one of those trick questions women offer, and if so, was there a right answer. Finally, with a quick exhale and a note of bravery in his voice, he said sure, then waited for the gale force of my peevishness to hit. It never came. I was actually quite content that I was getting some shiny new pots and pans, lids and handles included. It seems that I have turned a corner. I’m still all about romance. I still like to think it exists in my middle-aged marriage. But when it comes to clothes, books, wines and facials, (notice I didn’t mention jewellery, Mark!) it makes more sense for me to be the one primarily indulging my hedonistic tendencies. My husband knows me well, but not as well as I do. So why not pots and pans? Because, there’s something else I’ve figured out over the years. I really like to cook. I like to bake. I like to plan and prepare meals, try new dishes and share them with friends and family. And isn’t it romantic when your partner buys you the perfect gift? ‘Practically’ perfect for you anyway. Granted I’ll never say no to a spa treatment, a weekend away, a new sweater; I may have turned a corner but it’s not on a one-way street. Mark can relax a bit now though. Birthdays and Christmases won’t have to be as difficult as in the past, because I no longer think for a second that a practical gift, well intentioned, means I’m boring or represents the end of my romantic world. Ontario politics in federal vote Letters Policy The Citizen welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must be signed and should include a daytime telephone number for the purpose of verification only. Letters that are not signed will not be printed. Submissions may be edited for length, clarity and content, using fair comment as our guideline. The Citizen reserves the right to refuse any letter on the basis of unfair bias, prejudice or inaccurate information. As well, letters can only be printed as space allows. Please keep your letters brief and concise.