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The Citizen, 2010-03-25, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, MARCH 25, 2010. PAGE 5. The two most abundant commodities in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. – Harlan Ellison There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. – Frank Zappa Vivienne and Knox could be forgiven for thinking they’d landed at Stupidity HQ. They came to earth a couple of summers back as twins born to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Their arrival was greeted with a $14 million inaugural nest egg lobbed in from deep right field. That’s how much People magazine, in partnership with Hello, another dumbass tabloid, paid for the privilege of publishing the first, exclusive photos of the kids. Fourteen million dollars for a one-time photo with a couple of newborns – pretty stupid alright. But such rags are devoted to sustaining the lush groves of celebrity egos that thrive in the Hollywood Hills and stupidity is the manure that nurtures celebrity. How else to explain the continuing fascination with patent airheads like Christina Aguilera (“So where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”); Don King (“He speaks English and Spanish and he’s bilingual too.”); and Arnold Schwarzenegger (“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”) ? And if that’s not bummer enough for you, consider this grim stat: as of this writing Britney Spears has more than four million followers on Twitter. The irony is we live in a supposedly sophisticated age. People have never had easier access to the accumulated wisdom of the ages. Our libraries, museums and art galleries are open to all. We have wall-to-wall radio, TV and Smart phones. The latest information on everything from aardvarks to zyzzyva is available at the punch of a Google search button. And yet…Sarah Palin. We seem to be getting actually dumber. That may not be an illusion. A University of Wisconsin anthropologist has analyzed human skulls collected from around the globe and spanning the past five millennia. His conclusion: the human brain is shrinking. According to John Hawks’data, human brains have shrivelled by about 150 cubic centimetres over the past 5,000 years. That’s about ten per cent shrinkage of total brain mass. Professor Hawks says that’s not necessarily bad news; smaller brains don’t have to be punier brains. It could be simply biological streamlining at work. “Maybe we got better with smaller brains,” says Hawks – who then adds, unhelpfully: “But maybe we’re getting dumber. How can we know?” Thanks, professor. Perhaps we can’t nail down the human stupidity factor but we can certainly read the portentous crayon scrawls on the wall. Such as the fact that Fox News, featuring the spittle- flecked ravings of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity (and, oh yes – Sarah Palin) reels in 2.6 million viewers on an average weeknight. Still, put in perspective, that’s not quite as scary as it sounds. Two and a half million viewers amounts to less than one percent of the American population – and we don’t even get the service in most parts of Canada – or Canuckistan, as Bill the Loon likes to refer to us. On the other hand…Andy Warhol. I note that a silkscreen of Andy’s entitled “200 One- Dollar Bills” sold at public auction last fall at Sotheby’s in New York. The painting is about eight feet square and consists of a graphic representation of, er, one-dollar bills. Two hundred of them, side by side, marching across the canvas like a brick wall, only green. It sold for $43.8 million U.S. Ah, well. The sculptor Augustus Saint- Gaudens once said, “What garlic is to salad, madness is to art.” I guess that goes for art collectors too. And for the forces of officialdom, come to that. While attempting to board an aircraft in Newark, New Jersey recently, Mikey Hicks was taken down by airport security. They were on to him right away because his name was on a suspected terrorist watch list. Only problem was, the Newark Mikey Hicks was an eight-year-old Cub Scout from Clifton, N.J. His mother says he’s been stopped, frisked, patted down and questioned at airports since he was two years old. Crazy times. As Rita Mae Brown says, “One out of four people suffer from some form of nuttiness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” Arthur Black Other Views Still nutsoid after all these years Finally it’s confirmed. In this, the year of the Tiger, Tiger Woods will return to professional golf at the beginning of April for one of the biggest sports events of the year, The Masters. I’ll be watching and so will most of the world. Why they’ll be watching though, I’m still not quite sure. I am a golf fan and I’ll admit that I have been counting down the days to Tiger’s return, simply for the selfish reason that I like watching him play golf. He is the best golfer of my generation and competition in the field is certainly deflated when Tiger isn’t out there. Tiger’s “transgressions” have touched few people, but affected many. Sponsors have dropped him, television ratings have suffered and Nike, despite holding him as a sponsor, has liquidated his clothing collection, filling my closet for half the price. All the while, however, a family has quietly suffered. Tiger will be cloaked in privacy for The Masters, something the tournament prides itself on. Only the golfiest of golf media will be there and only the best-behaved of the well-behaved will be allowed to stand in the galleries. This is nothing new at Augusta National Golf Club, which has been private for decades and has a waiting list as long as Tiger’s list of transgressions. So, I’m not sure why people other than me will be watching. The people who watch TMZ every night and read US Weekly will be watching. So what will they hope to see? Are they hoping for a Tiger loss? Are they hoping to see signs of protest? And what if Tiger wins? Will the world’s newfound obsession with “golf” end there? From a competitive standpoint, of course it will be great to see Tiger in his Sunday red shirt walking fairways and hopefully in the hunt for the lead. Having said that, one of my favourite pastimes has become PGA Classic on The Golf Channel. I am often enthralled at the history golf carries with it down every fairway. Like another favourite of mine, baseball, its traditions are steeped in history. This is a sport in which players often call penalties on themselves, despite dire consequences, whether an official has caught them red-handed or not. Golf is the consummate gentleman’s game. I’ve been moved in recent weeks by stories of Jack Nicklaus, especially. Nicklaus is the classiest of class acts and just so happens to be the man Tiger is chasing. His record of 18 major championships is Tiger’s one and only goal. In one of the greatest father-son stories in the history of sports, Nicklaus won 1980 U.S. Open with his son on his bag as his caddy. Their embrace on the 18th hole of the final round is a magical moment between a father and a son. The U.S. Open, historically, plays its final day on Father’s Day, by design. That weekend in June is a time for fathers to bond with their sons. Throughout the entire weekend, cameras catch shots of fathers and sons debating whether a golfer should go for the green in two or lay up and other fathers carrying their sons on their shoulders, introducing them to the game they love so much. And while we haven’t reached Pebble Beach yet for this year’s U.S. Open, one has to wonder how things might have changed by then. Will Tiger have found redemption by then? I have supported Tiger and wished him well, but I can’t help but think that if I was there introducing my young son to the game of golf, that we might be ignoring the roars and following someone else that weekend. Politicians look at hidden Ontario Year of the Tiger? An MPP from rural and small town Ontario has done what no-one else could do and forced the province’s government and this city where it is based to think about the many problems hidden behind their barn doors and welcoming front porches. Progressive Conservative Bill Murdoch, a maverick and often a joker, did it by suggesting Toronto should separate from Ontario and become a separate province, which will never happen. But suddenly he has the ear of government and the big news media in this city where most people know almost nothing about farms and small communities. Liberal Premier Dalton McGuinty rarely talks about them, because he likes to boast of giant, high-tech successes and there are not many of these in rural areas and small towns. McGuinty got elected partly by promising to provide “strong, prosperous rural communities that work,” but has not dwelled much on this recently, and most news media in this city might go a month before acknowledging there are such things as farms. Many here probably do not know most farms are struggling, particularly because of skyrocketing production costs and low-priced, subsidized competition from abroad, although farmers these days demonstrate more regularly outside the legislature than any aggrieved group. They feel sometimes government is against them, because, pushed by well-intentioned, city-based environmentalists, it imposes regulations that burden them, including saying where and how they can use fertilizer and where they can build. The province has set aside a massive area around Toronto as greenbelt to preserve open space for future generations that draws admiration from around the world, but at a cost to owners who counted on selling for their retirements. Health services are not as accessible in rural areas and small towns for reasons including doctors find they lack amenities they want for their own families. The province is closing emergency rooms in some small hospitals to save money and residents complain bureaucrats pushing this are not allowing them meaningful public hearings. One study has shown women in rural areas have more serious illnesses, including cancer and a higher accident rate and die earlier, and another that rural men and women are more prone to obesity, high blood pressure and damage caused by excessive smoking and drinking. Another found rural residents have a higher suicide rate than the provincial average, because they have lower incomes, become more stressed, abuse alcohol and drugs more and have suicidal thoughts. Schools in some small communities are being closed, because they are considered too small and residents fear their communities also will disappear, because people with children no longer will choose to live there. Rural areas and towns are not attracting immigrants, particularly of the type who are well educated and strengthen communities and instead flock mainly to Toronto, where there are many from similar backgrounds and more suitable jobs. Smaller cities and towns have been revealed as often not the idyllic havens of peace, safety and tranquility many in the bigger cities assume them to be. Examples include the abduction and murder of a child in Woodstock and intense scrutiny that exposed widespread drug abuse and lack of education. Violent crime, including use of guns, assault, robbery and murder, has grown steadily in small-town Ontario, while it largely has stabilized in major cities. This has been blamed on lack of jobs and loss of community spirit and police cracking down on crime in Toronto and pushing it into other areas. Downtowns in some small cities with their closed, ghost stores turn into mass drunken scenes on weekend nights – in Guelph 4,000 drinkers pour out of 33 bars and cause fights and vandalism, and the province has no ideas to cool it. Opposition MPPs have complained the government puts more effort into helping the bigger cities, where its most powerful ministers including McGuinty come from, and this would not be surprising – politicians tend to take more care of those that elected them. Eric Dowd FFrroomm QQuueeeenn’’ss PPaarrkk Shawn Loughlin SShhaawwnn’’ss SSeennssee Letters Policy The Citizen welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must be signed and should include a daytime telephone number for the purpose of verification only. Letters that are not signed will not be printed. Submissions may be edited for length, clarity and content, using fair comment as our guideline. The Citizen reserves the right to refuse any letter on the basis of unfair bias, prejudice or inaccurate information. As well, letters can only be printed as space allows. Please keep your letters brief and concise.