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The Huron Expositor, 1989-09-27, Page 15THEE-FIURON EXPOSITOR, SEPTEMBER 27, 1989 — 15A Alcoholism BY DAVID EMSLIE CLINTON - Maeve Connell admits that at one point in her life she was rather naive about alcohol and its effects on the family. Now, however, after research and ex- perience with this problem, Mrs. Connell is spreading the word to others on how to spot an alcoholic family, and how they can help. This was the case on September 20 when she addressed the an- nual meeting of the Huron -Perth Centres for Children and Youth at the Clinton Town Hall. While working with the Waterloo Board of Education, and thus working with children, Mrs. Connell said she knew nothing about children with alcoholic families. After reading Broken Bottles, Broken Dreams, Understanding and Help- ing Children of Alcoholics, by Charles Deutsch, her eyes were opened up. "I was amazed what it was like to be a child growing up in an alcoholic fami- ly," she said. Looking back, she reflects it would have been beneficial to have this information while working with the board, but in her next job with the Ad- diction Research Foundation (ARF) she was able to pass on her knowledge to teachers and other interested parties. "My speech, I hope will help, whether it effects you on the personal level, or professionally," Mrs. Connell said, adding she hoped those at the meeting would at least get the feeling there is something they can do about this phenomenon. Starting into the main body of her presentation, Mrs. Connell noted that in the addictions field, the belief always was that if the alcoholic got help, everything would be fine. This view is changing. "They have found that getting rid of the alcohol is not enough, we know the ef- fects on the spouses, the families...we realize we have to help the people in the alcoholic families." Explaining that in Canada, one in six families have an alcoholic parent, the speaker pointed out that because alcohol has, for so long, been shrouded in secrecy and shame, those gathered for the meeting Might not even realize there could be problems in their own neighborhoods. "When you go home, every sixth house on your street, or apartment in your building, or farm on your rural route has an alcoholic (family)," she said, adding that this would also include every sixth child in a classroom. In Ontario alone, she continued, there are 330,000 children, under the age of 18, who have a parent or parents who are alcoholics. This fact may not seem ap- parent, however, as 70 per cent of alcoholics appear normal, holding jobs, having families, and owning cars and homes. Of this 70 per cent figure, only 13 per cent get treatment, with an even smaller amount of their children getting the help they need. ALCOI:.OLIC RULES Aside from the apparent normalcy of many alcoholics, Mrs. Connell explained that another fold in the cloak of secrecy surrounding alcoholic families is the fact that in these families there are three rules to foljow: Don't Talk, Don't Trust and Don't Feel. On this first rule, she stated, "The big- gest character trait of an alcoholic is, he won't admit to having a problem." An alcoholic will stay up drinking all night, and when he wakes up with a hangover, he will tell the family he has the flu. "They don't talk about the real pro- blem." This no talking rule also applies to the rest of the family, she said, and cited some examples from adults who had grown up with an alcoholic parent or parents. In one case, a daughter in an alcoholic family could not get any attention until she got pregnant, and later when she went on speed..In this family, the mother set the couch on fire one night while im- paired. The next day, the fire was just ignored, and the couch cushions were turned over, as if nothing had happened. In another family, when a little brother asked about his alcoholic parents fighting at night, he was told it was thunder, and not to talk about it. Another five-year-old girl, who asked too many questions of her mother, was told what an imaginitive little girl she was. This rule does not just encompass members of the immediate family, either. Children are either told, or the feeling is ingrained, that they should never talk to anybody outside the family about what goes on in the home. "In an alcoholic family, the children are not the central focus of attention," said Mrs. Connell in discussing the don't trust rule. spreading the word necessary In a normal family, everyone realizes just how much attention children do receive, and this helps them to develop. However, she again stated, children are not the focus in the families under discus- sion: alcohol is. Children in these families will grow up in an atmosphere where love is condi- tional, and they will receive mixed messages. At one point they might hear the words, "I love you", but this can soon be followed by harsh words such as, "Get away from me", Mrs. Connell explained. A further reason children have for not trusting is the fact that in alcoholic families, there is much physical and sex- ual abuse. In Canada, in one third of the reported cases of physical abuse, there is an alcoholic parent involved. This figure rises to 50 per cent in the cases of sex- ual abuse. "To children, the family is not a trusting place," Mrs. Connell stated. Alcoholics themselves can feel depress- ed, ashamed or guilty, but they can hide from their feelings through the use of drink. Such is not the case for their families, explained Mrs. Connell in discussing the third rule. If a spouse should express feelings of anger or disappointment to the alcoholic, it might just cause a fight, therefore those feelings aren't expressed. "Family members feel it is easier to not express their feelings," she said, adding that children are often told they don't feel bad, or not to have feelings. It is because of these three rules that people in services set up to help don't learn there are problems in some families. "As professionals, it is up to us to bring the topic up," Mrs. Connell stressed. ALCOHOLIC DEFINED Attempting to define an alcoholic in one sentence, the speaker stated, "It is so- meone who can't control their drinking anymore." Such a person might promise himself to have only two drinks at a party, to please his wife, and these two drinks will lead to 15. For the average male, it will take 10 to 15 years before his drinking is out of con- trol, but this time span is much shorter for females. If problems arise with fami- ly life, finances, health, the law, or on the job, it is a good indication a person is an alcoholic. In the family, if there are arguments, stress and eventual break-up because of alcohol, then one partner is an alcoholic. Problems with health can come from a number of areas, such as troubles with the stomach, the throat, the heart or the brain. At the same time, accidents on the road, or even in the home can be detrimental to a drinker's health. On the subject of the law, Mrs. Connell noted that if a person faces a third driv- ing offense, there is a problem, and if thefts occur to cover the cost of drinking, there is a problem. Financially; if alcohol is bought,when the drinker or his fetidly needs new shoes, or if booze is purchased and the rent not paid, there is a definite problem. Finally, Mrs. Connell explained, there can be problems for alcoholics on the job. She noted that some people can still get their jobs done, and will drink well into retirement, because they drink only on weekends. "If it is weekends only, they are still alcoholics. They can drink weekends for 10 to 15 years, but the weekends will eventually stretch out," to encompass other parts of the week. If problems arise in any of these areas, Mrs, Connell concluded, there is a drink- ing problem in the family. ROLE PLAYING "There are four roles a child of alcoholics tend to take," said Mrs. Con- nell, and recognizing those roles can help to identify children who might be in need of help. Before discussing the roles, she pointed out that they can sometimes also appear in shame based families, where shame is the rule, such as authoritarian families, rigid families, or families where there might be mental illness the members might be ashamed of. These roles might also sometimes appear in other families, but, "They always show up in alcoholic families." The first role is that of the family hero. "Their mission is to rescue; redeem the family. They are often excellent students, good at sports, on the students' council, with marks in the 90s. But unfortunate- ly, whatever they do, they can't stop mom or dad from drinking." The scapegoat, who is somebody for the family to pick on, and dump their troubles on, is the next role. "They hope the family will unite to save them," Mrs. Connell explained. This Sun Life Assurance Company of Canada type of child is often thought of as a pro- blem child in the family, and they may skip school, do drugs and drink. "They appear not to care, but they have a lot of linger and grief, but they don't let it out." The lost or forgotten child, which is the third role, will feel lonely, afraid, quiet and shy. If there are any problems in the family, they will withdraw from the scene, and go listen to music, read, or eat. At school, this child will seem quiet and withdrawn, and when they get home, they will go straight to their room, which acts as a refuge. "They are very lonely, with very few friends." The final role is that of the mascot or clown. Mrs. Connell explained, "They are often the youngest, and the family tries to protect them from what is going on." If the parents are fighting, they will stop when this child comes on the scene, but the child will still be able to feel the tension. To break this tension, the child will try to be funny, or attract attention to himself. Because they are trying to at- tract attention, the children may appear hyperactive. All of the characteristics of these roles should act as red flags to those working with children. "The roles don't always come in that order; they can take a few roles. But it is helpful in identification (of a problem)," she stated. GUIDED 'INTERVENTION While she now works for the London Board of Education, Mrs. Connell also has a private practice in which she works on sessions of guided intervention. She noted this method, which is discussed in the book How To Stop The One You Love From Drinking, breaks Turn to page 20A LIFE 6 MORTGAGE INSURANCE PLANS DEFERRED ANNUITIES. INCOME TAX DEDUCTIBLE RRSP RRIF'S NON-SMOKERS RATE AVAILABLE Rep. ARNOLD snNNIsserr 117 Goderich St. East. Seolorth Tal. 927.0410 Water Well DRILLING HURON SUPERIOR MEMORIALS ESTABLISHED OVER 60 YEARS W.D. Hopper and Sons Ltd. 4 MODERN ROTARY RIGS Nell Dud 522-1737 522-0828 Serving Seafowh and all of Huron County MICHAEL FALCONER 153 HIGH STREET, CLINTON Bus.: 482.9441 Res.: 4823664 Evening appointments available ioneer. products . ,. . Helping you get the st from your acres HOW DOES THIS WORK AGAIN? IT'S EASY! 'Do you have papers, orders, documents, that have to be in Toronto, Vancouver, New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Rome, or 0_Istowe& today? 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