The Wingham Times, 1906-01-11, Page 3THE WINGHAM TIMES, JANUARY iL 1906
NG fftT
IL
A SCOTCH READING
THE FOXES' TAILS
Try it with a dash of
Tomato Catsup
(BY R13Q,UIiST)
"Weel, Sanely," said the minister of a
parish church in a small fishing village
ou the east coast of Scotland, to his pre-
centor as he entered the vestry, after
Yawing preached what he thought a very
learned and well-oonstructed sermon.
"Weel, Sandy, man, aud how did you
like the sermon the day?"
"Eh?"
"I sav, how do you like the set mon?"
"Olt, the sermon ; weel-a-a. The
sermon; ed -a -I maist forget how I
likit it, but ye see -"
"D'ye no' mind the sermon, Sandy?"
"Wee', I wadna just like tae say I
didna mind it, but ye see-
"D'ye no' mind the text, then?"
"Oh ay, I mind the text weal enough
-I aye mind the text."
1.1"weal, d'ye no' mind the 'sermon'?"
"Bide a meenit-bide a meenit ; I'm
thinking. Hoots, ay, I mind the sermon
noo; ay, I mind it fine,"
"What d'ye mind shoot it?"
A -a -ye -a -said the world was ly-
in, in wickedness."
"Tuts, man, ony fele kens that. What
did you think o' the discourse as a
whole?"
"I thocht it was ower lang."
"Tut, tut. Weel, what did ye think
o't in the abstract?"
"The abstract? Weel, I thocht the ab
street was rather drnmiie now an' then
as a whole, like."
"Man, d'ye understand yer ain langu-
age? I ask ye what was your opeeniou o'
the nature -the gist -pith -narrow o'
the discourse?"
"Ay, fist that. Weel, it was -it was
evangelical."
“Evangelical! Of course it wasevan-
gelical. Was't eo more than that9"
"Ou ay, it was gay an' conueckit."
4 31,61. igaig:Ittli:liSii.t11 Wild 1.1li11d. ! 1 J Pn 111.11, I11,. .II.I, a 11 at IIIi1LI.il'P1�16 tdi . ILI Y.b.i.
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ii
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t A
i
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J But so pressing are the calls of
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-Conti il,ntinn, bray la; oet,t to i4u: 4\ ar Il. ,l[tau llii:r, K1..
O.:t uu.le ilall, Esq., lit Front lit.
4_
into play. On the present occasion he
had chosen one that bristled with difH-
oulties. It was that chapter which de-
scribes Samson as patching 300 !oats,
tying the tail to tail, setting fire brands
in their midst, starting them among the
standing Dorn of the Philistiues, and
burning it down. As he plastid the de-
soription he shat the Book and oommeno-
1 ed the "el000idatiop" ae follows:-
"My dear friends, I daresay you have
been wondering in your winds how it
was possible that Samson could catch
three hundred foxes, Yoa or me coula-
ua catch oue tux, let alone dues hula
"You thickhead? Was the sermon
good or bad or indifferent? There, you
oan fathom that!"
"Ob, that's what you've been speerin'
a' the time, is't? What for yon no
speak plain afore? Weel, it was a guid
sermon, a grand sermon. 'Deed it was
the hest I ever heard ye preaoh."
"Hoot, toot, Sandy, now you're gang
owre far."
"Aweei, aweel, I never saw as few
fowk sleepin' atore."
"So you think it was a good sermon?"
"Ay, it was a hands better than the '
lave."
"I'm much obleeged to you for your
opeenion, Sandy."
"You're perfectly welcome; but at
t he same time, if you'll excuse me, I
wad jilt like tae mak' an observation
aboot the discoorse the day, an', in lack,
aboot a' yer discoorses"
"Ay, what's that?"
"Weal, it's rather a venturesome pint
tae handle, but if ye'll forgie the free-
dom, I was jist gaun tae say that in your
dibcourse the day -we'll no' gang ony
farther than the yin the day -in the
midst o't like, when ye was ou the tap
o' an illy stration, it struck me that every
noo an' thea -but ye'll no feel offended
at what I'm gaud tae say"
"Say awa,' man, an' I'll ye efter."
"Aweel, it struok me every noo an'
then, when ye were eaplaiuia' some
kittle pint oot o' the Scriptures, or when
ye were in the heat o' au argument or
that, it btruck me that every noo an'
then, jist occasionally, that there was
maybe, frae time tae time, jilt a wee bit
o' exaggeration!"
"Exagger-what, sir
"Weel, :maybe that's ower strong a
word. I dinna want tae offend ye. I
mean jist amplification like."
"Exaggeration! amplification! What
the mischief d'ye mean, sir? Where
got ye hand o' sic long-nebbit words as
these!"
"There, there, there! I'll no' say anit-
her word. I didna mean tae rouse ye
like that. A' I meant tae say was that
ye jilt streecht the pint a wee bit!"
Streecht the pint? D'ye mean tae say,
sir, that I tell lees? Answer me this -
are ye sae in' this oot o' yer ain heid, or
did somebody else put ye up till's? Did
ye ever hear the laird say I wail in the
habit o'exaggeratin'?"
"I wadna say but what I hae."
"Dia ye ever hear the elders say that
I amplified or stretch the pint I"
"I wadna say but what they hae tae."
"Oh!
so the laird and the elders, and
the whole o' ye call me a leear, do ye?
Weel, Sandy, it's maybe jist possibly
that being obleeged Sawbbath after
Sawbatth to expound the Word to sic a
doited set of naturals -for if I didna
mak ilk things as big as a barn door ye
wadna stet ava-I say it's jist possible
that I may hae slippit into a kind of o'
habit o' magnif)iug things, and, there-
fore, Sandy, I'll call upon you, if ever
ye should hear me say another word oot
o' joint to pull me up there and then-
jist give a sort o' a signal."
"Hoo could 1 gie a signal in the Birk?
You re sittin jist doon aneath me, ye
ken, so ye micht jist put up yer heid an'
gie a bit whistle like that."
"What? Whustle in the Lord's hoose
on the Lord's Day? I never heard o'
sic a thing in a' my days!"
"Hoots, man, diens the wind whustle
on the Sawbatth?"
"Ay ; I never thocht o' that afore. Yes,
the wind whistles."
"Weel, jist gie a wee bit soughing
whustle like the wind, sae that naebody
can hear it but ourselves."
"Weel, if there's nae harm in't I'll
dae my best."
So it was ultimately agreed between
minister and precentor that the first
word of exaggeration from the pulpit
was to elicit the signal from the desk be-
low. Next Sunday came. The sermon
had been rigorously trimmed, and the
parson seated himself inthe pulpit with
la radiant smile, as he thought of the
• prospective discomfiture of Sandy.
Sandy sat down as imperturbable as
usual, looking neither to the light hand
or to the left. Had the minister only
would
lie wo d
Ii to his sermon that
bentday
have done very wellond had the laugh
against Sandy which he anticipated at
the End of the sermon. But it was his
habit before the sermon to read a chapter
from the Bible, adding such remarks
and explanations of his own as he
thought necessary, Ile generally select-
ed such passages es contained a number
of "kittle pints," so that his marvellous
power Of "elooCiadtion" (night bo called
An
Inviting
Prospect
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the elooeidation o' the matter -you'll
please bear this in wind, that although
we are not told he was the greatest run-
ner that ever lived, still we are not told
he wasne; and therefore 1 contend that 1
we have a perfect right to assume, by all ,
the laws of logio and scientific bietory,
that he was the fastest runner that ever
was born, and that was how he catched
the 800 foxes. But after we get rid of
thio d,Moulty, my amends, another crops
up. After he catched Ms 300 foxes how
did he manage to keep them altogether?
This looks almost as kittle a pint as the
other, to some it might look even kitler.
Now iu the first place, bear in wind it
was foxes Samson catched. we do not
oetuh tuxes as a general rule iu the
re9tb O' t tooii; tiferetore itti tiiair tiipii'^
prubable he catched them in the couutry
an' that bided at a farmhouse where
there was a barn, and as he oatohed hie
foxes one by one he slapped them into
the barn and steekit the fluor and lut.ked
is, Here we overcome the second stumbl-
tug block; but no sooner have we done
chat than a third rock of offence loupe
up to tickle us. After he has catched
Ms foxes -alter he has got them all snug
in the barn nutter look eud key-buw to
the world did he tis their tails together?
There's a wittier. You or are euuldna
lie two tails together, let Moue &arir
them, tor, not to speak abuot the beast•
ies griruiu' au' burn' us all the trine we
were lien' them, the tads themselves are
nut long euough. How, then, was Sam•
suu abie to tut them all? An! that's the
question, and it is abeot the klttleat pint
you or me have ever had to elucidate.
Now, toy friends, I u:aun tell ye that
there are learned men who have writteu
buuks u' foreign travel, and we can read
their books. Among other places some
of these learned men have travelled into
Oaauan, and some into Palestine, and
some few into the Holy Laud, and these
last rueutioneu travellers tell us that in
these Eastern and Orieutal mimes, the
foxes there are a totally different breed
o' Cattle altogether from our tuxes -that
they're great big beasts: and what'd the
most astotishtug thing about them, and
what helps to explain this woudertui seat
of Sarueuu'a is, tutu they've all got ex-
traordinary long tails. In tact, these
Easteru travellers tell as that these luxes
tails are forty feet long " (Sandy whist-
les )
dred-the beasties run SO £AQt. It takes
a great nnmher of doge, and ho*NPs and
mPn to eatoh a fox -and they do not el -
ways catch it then -the crater whiles
gets away. "But 'lo and behold! here
we have one single man ell by hime«•1
catching 300 of them. Now, how did
he do? -chat's the pint. and at first sigh
it looks a gay and kittle pint. But it'
Every dour Delayed
IN CURING A COLD
IS DANGEROUS.
(Minister pulls np.) "At the same time
t I ought to mention that there are otl er
s travellers, and later ones than the ones I
have been speaking about, and they say
this statement is on the whole rather au
exaggeration, and that the foxes tails are
never more than twenty feet long."
(Sandy whistles )
You have often heard people say: "Its only
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would read different if, on the first appearance
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Dr. Woods Norway Pine Syrup is put up in a
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Refuse substitutes. Demand Dr. Wood's and
get it.
no' Dae kittle as it looks my friends. We
are told in the Scripture s, that Samson
was the strongest man that ever lived,
but although we are told this we are not
told that he was a great runner, But if
he catches these 300 foxes he must have
been a great runner; an awful runner;
in fact, the greatest runner that ever
was born. But, my freens-an' here's
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(Minister annoyed) "Berfore I leave
the subject altogether, my friends, I may
just add that there bas been a consider-
able diversity o' opinion about the length
o' these animals' tails, so the question
has come to be regarded as a mt.ot pint.
One mat, ye see, says one thing, and an-
other auuther, and I've spent a good lot
o' learued researching, the matter mysel'
and alter examin' oue authority and an-
other authority, and putting one against
the other, I have eume to the couulusion
that these foxes' tails on an average are
seldom more than ten feet long. (Sandy
whistles )
(Minister loosing all patience )
"Sandy McDonald. III no' tak' anither
inch aff thae beasts' tails gie ye whustle
to the day o' judgment."
It;,''.Ir•; t• ••• tp"'ir,r.•,.
, ane
111.;1 ..1,. ti. C-:
f11;1 . ,•.):i 1 :1 ':.a i• <,._ 11;
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l'!Idlr L. l.: 1 (1 ] ,•1I` L,' a ,'::11111 \VIA:
R'!1 . VI. ...t ...11. 1 • ,•. )n>) ..lt, h:.ad
•;a .: 1I ... . tc .
1,. 11. 1'1. I. 1 :I:Ii; 1..a •t1et1
11111 1:.:1t 'r 1._, 11•.)1..,1 ..11 a
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nt•e rva.; I e u -:1r • 3 111 •;.111.:y
4a�lli:_,•ni:- i.1 :1 .. '1 ..t; 1 1119.•-
!3' o... 1.1..., .. ..:...J.: i.., :,a1, lir'.
IIrC':1;. e'•• ., • 'lu'. t;. • bill had
;,fl.° •e' (' •e. I au:' ' :•
of the le'.-
i'l:ttit e e h I ul e 0;19 nu 11 \y:r;
x11113 t 1011;•.,),),:s ': •111d nal he
.±uie1J•1l. 11311 Ai ••• l:}
(•nt11;1(•il(,l I ) 111n..'3' 111„1 1i): tiPD Lathe
ui
11' .•.11-11•!", ,' is %e the gentle-
men .. a •'{l•' t•1., c!:11.,.
••I W11 :It to U:.'.•: .1' 1 til:Ilt!iltl'ilt to
the hill,' it•a) the re,)Iy.
"To.) late,' sai.i
otit a Sli:ac. "I:.:er it to thr text bill.
The clerk will read."
teeinn plight.
Its douleetic lighting for nearly the
first half' of the last century candles
held tuuli,lputed sway. The bell is
rung, and Mary brings in candles, a
pair of molds its tall brass eaudleeticks
brightly polished, with snuffers on a
tray -a sharp beaked snuffers of steel,
with jaws that opened and shut with a
snap and something sinister in their
appearance.
There were plated candlesticks and
snuffers, too, for occasions of state,
the
that
with silver branchessuggested
spoils of a'erusa1em, but there was also
e lamp, a stately edifice of bronze that
towered over the family circle at tidies
and shed a generous and genial light
when so inclined. But what a demon
it was to smoke and to smell! And it
would burn, when it condescended to
burn at all, nothing but the very iluet
Sperm oil at a fabulous price per gal.
lon.--London Chronicle.
Touch Typewriting
The students of the Forest City Business and
Shorthand College are taught Typewriting on Machines
with blank keys -blindfold the students and they will
operate at a high speed,
A touch operator can do more work and gets more
money than a sight operator.
"Can you write by touch," is the first questii
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School term -Sept, till June inclusive. Booklet
free for the asking.
J. W. WESTERVELT, Y. M. C. A. nig.,
.,
Principal.
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