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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Clinton New Era, 1879-07-31, Page 3••• • • ; • .J•1714Y 31. 1879. • Onmer-ou.a.. • • THE CLI.N-ToN NEW ERA. A little nonsense now and thee. To reliehed by the wiseet mon, • A. womee •with two heads has just arrived (rem Europe. Eight bonnets a year 1 -Only think of' it 1 My eon,'"..said an •old. lady, how' must Jonah, have felt when the whale, swallowed him?' 'Down in the mouth,' was the young hopeful's reply, A little bey caMe to his mother it - candy and said ',Method, I should think that if I was Made of dust I would get middy inside when 1 drink.' We notice an advertisement for en Ice cream opehing.' We know of one, between a certain nose and chin, that can always be found without much dif- ficulty. • ' Landlady,' said he, the coffee is not Settled.' he rot:hied, 'bat it comes aa -near it as .yourlast month's board bill does;' and that man never spoke again, during the raeal. One young man asked another if he were able always. to•pleese. the ladies. •I never got im far as to try to please then); -was the answer; it takes all my taut not to displease them.' Johnny says his...mother- makes a greet. dry. his-little-eister goes out without her shadeliat. She clon't want her to get freokled, but buf ebe dosen't seem to care a bit hew ninth hi a father tans .A. churchwarden, in taking up a col- lection on a certain Sunday not very long ago, in a :Western village,handed the plate to a 'stranger, who said :- Go on am a dead .bead --I've got a pass. ' • , Expectant -heir to. the doctor of his uncle: Then, you say, my poor uncle is afflicted with, one of those inourible diseases for whiele„yee never prescribe?' I beg, your pardon, we always prescribe for them.' ' But- do you cure them Never.' - A-writer-tellsneto-pat-ciur-hatadearpon our heart and fell, its muffled beat - that it will sadden -us. True. But not half ire much as .placing our. hand ripen our wallet and realizing from its ness that we must' soon :become the • muffled beat. '• •The Other.. deY). two; friends were taking together in the atrea, a donkey began to bray and sneeze arid cough.in a distressing manner. . ' WNitt a cold ••• thardwrikey of-the-MOE' And, by the way, that puts.rnein 'mind -.how is your cough? •, . At a funeral in Portland, Mar e., the singing wasso unsatisfactory bet a prominent mourner, arose, with Wrath in his faceand indignation in his voice; and remarked.. am the &rose's brit. ther, and.I object to any such singing as that.' The choristers thereupon be- came silent. • ' • An old harmer intent on making his will VMS asked. by the lawyer the name of his wife, when he ; grayely Well, indeed, 11 really don't recollect, what itis ; we've been :married for up- wards of forty years, and I've always called her old woman,' The lawyer left a blank to be filled up when his old wo- man's name was ascertained. Beaten at Ms own Opine. A STORY ABOOT A box .wito CAN BEAR" A8 MICR AS A PEAR. (Detroit Tree Press.) Ainong the baggage cooling &twfl on a Flint and Pere Marquette train , the. other day was a fell -grown Week bear. Bruin had been in captivity for two or three years, and was on his way east fot ,a ological garden, 'Ms oilier Was allowed to ride with him in. the baggage e, andie,seemed to think be bear wan. the, greatest animal. on earth, He was ready to bet that bruin could out -hug and cut -bite anythinghuman, and was rather disappointed when the railroad men refused to dispete that point with him. He was indulging in, his brag when an oldman came into the oir to see about his trunk. He PAW the bear, of course, but the .glance of contempt he bestowed on the animal in- stantly kindled the indignation of the owner who called cut'. -Q/Clahe . you think- Irn fretting an Old hyena around the country I guess it's a bear,' elowly replied the other, 4 but I sep,nothing.yepiserk.' able about him.' -• ' . You don't, 1 :Well, 1 do t ,Meb- be you d like o .see him hug that trunk• of yoors1 what Ite Cen't sliver when be gete his paws. atoned it has got. to have roots' forty feet underground.' gall son back' in •the Electively,' observed the Old man, find then he stepped'hnd looked at the bear. ion ? Eglidt yoh-rilatelf your son, agin my bear ?' chuckled the owner as be danced with delight.• • . .guess se.' , • , •‘ Yore& ? • Bring him in! Trot him out 1 , give him , all the show he Wants and bet five to one on the hair V. The old Mail slowly took in A chew of tohaceo, left the car, and when he re. ttirned. be. had his son. Martin with' him Mertiir seemed tolie about twenty-seven years Of'age and alittle7teller than a hitching post.: He ..Was built: on the ground, with -Check like G Writing, desk' and arms which treamed-to_biare_heen_ sawed from railroad ties. • Martin, this 'ere man wants to het five to one that thiS hear can. ent-hug you; quietly explained the father as the son sit down on a trunk. • • Yee, it-thattir j ust• !' Me*, lert thre owner. muzzle ..hindso can't -bite. 111- bet,fiVi-teame.:.hell. .make' you holler irdtwo minutes!' •• . •Muzzle:your .b'ar',' as all' that Mar - 'tin said as he pulled out a e5bill and Undid it to the' biiggiageblefi. The bear man put $25 with it, grinning like •a,boy bin cherry tree, and in a minute :be had the bear.ready.. ;Martin remov- ed his coat and paper collier:and earelesc- .1y enquired': : • Is this, to be a squer' hug with .no gouging 1' •• • " • Jess so--,-jess replied the bear man. You hug the'. bear and he will; hug you, and'the mare who 'equeals first loses his cash:. Now; then, all ready: • .. ' As Martin apprpached,...the.bear' retie Up with- a tinful, glarein his eye and the two embraced. was a tort of :baek-hold, with no:sell-out on the aro wd. .fot,Nrn, 'Huityade 'Yelled :the: bear minas they closed, and the bear •responded. One.could see by the Set of his eyed thathe meant to 'make jelly Of that- yOung man York minute, but he failed to-do it. : Some' little trifles stood . in . his ,` way. Tor. Wasn't ten senopds • hefore he realized that two, could I lay **hugging. -.Bier- thi's hand sank down in the bear's coat, thoilideeni elides were called ore for duty, rim" at the; fitht • hug the beateroll ed his tzes . • , an in, Hunyadego ni-go screened the bear than, and bruin laid himself out as if he meant to pull a4ail.. read water -tank down. • • You 'might squeeze a little bit har- • der, my sen,' carelessly suggested 'the father, 1111'. he spit from the open door; and Martin mill ea pot his reserverrinitt. A wife' wanted tie* husband to sympa- thize with her in -a feminine quarrel; bat he refund, eaying,"‘I've lived long enough to know that eite wintan i5 is , good as another, if :not better.',' And I,' retortedthe_ wife, have leng • enough to know that One Man is as bad as another, if net,worse.' ' • . An Irish waiter at ' -a Ohriatmas gath- ering complimented a turkey in -the following manner: Faith, it's not six hours sine(' 'that turkey was walking, around his real estate, with his hands in his pockets,- never dreaming what a pnrty invitasliunbe bacrto .jine yeas gentlemen at dinner.' • • A naughty little girl waif playing in a room where her grandma sat, when a heavy showercable up, and a terrific _ peal of thunder:broke uplin their earta. ' Mattin;-Itaid-grairdnia-, 1-C-IodiTdelre you -do you 'hear I' Yes, replied Mattie, the inoorrigiblet : ' but you tell Dod I tan't totne now ; rises UM busy.' •• 'Hallo; Robinson I haven't aeen you • since you had your ease eye pti t in. How doeditvork r ,•.-Te-athertn,i rMid Rob- inson'Onn you zee with it?' queried • the friend. Well, you' see that town' clock; it's "tvventytwo Minutes past seven, isn't it?' 'I declare it'd wend. erful, isn't it I Why, it Mast be as good as the eye.you were born with 1' and the friend passed on perfectly' dazed with the ecientifie discoveries of the oculists. The fact that Robinson's other eye was not glass didn't once occur to him. Mr,is the victim of an accident, and as they are very carefully placing hi ra on a stretcher to carry him upstairs he summons the servant girl, an haricot yoting peasant and tells her: Hnrry. upstairs and let my wife know about this accident to we but don't give her a shock --put Oh 11. cheerful face while you are telling her'• The faithful domestic discharges her mission with husky voice: 'My master,eent me -he 1 he he 1 -to tell you thatL-ha 1 ha! hal ha 1-hehad -liol ho 1, ho t -he I've burst • my say-labee-Lhe was tocrfueny, and I've laughed till my sides are sore -.he had -broken his leg -ho I he (Rolls over upon the carpet, in ecstasies of laughter.) • , The arocer,o, Sok. • A grocer who had a little time to study human nature, wrote a note to several parties elected ler the occasion, to the effect that he had lost his account books, and must depend on their honor to cell and give in the balance against them. Ogle of thew replied that be *pm:1020 he owed three or four dollars when the books showed he owed tweak -eight ;. another thought there might be a.possible balance against him, •though, he wets very careful to pay well down, and yet his amount was fourteen dollars And over, Ont of 12 or 14 customers, one replied that he owed three dollars and eight vents, being fifty cents too much. Be then wrote to each thirt hehad found his hooka, and sent state - went of account, and as they dropped into the store, one at a lime, each ono laughed, shook hands, and remarked rknew t was 'one of 'your jokes, of course, and I thought I would give you a chance to play it clear through right to the end.' Hachlad his beet There was tumhlingaround„to waint. ineath; Atandrip'yestandstill-hriging • matoh. Littleby little the bear's: eyes -began to bulge and Ms month to'Open, and. Maiiin'a • face •ileWly grew toihe 'color of red paint. • . .` • ' • • Hang tO111m, litinyado-rte 'get my last dollar on •yOile head 1' shrieked, the bear man, as he saw a further bulge to hid. pet'e eyes. . But it was rib use. All of asudden the bear began tO yell and cough and strangle.. lie. was a goner. Martin knew it, but he wanted no dispute and sc he gave Ilunyatio a lift from the a hug which rolled his eyed around like a pin wheel, and then dropped him in a.hosp on the floor. Well,. may 1 be shot,' gatiped the bear man, as he stood over the half -life - 16a heap of hair and claws. • Martin,' said. the father, as he hand - (Whim the $50,• you'd better go back that and watch our satchels 1' " guess so,' replied the son, as he shoved the bills in his vest p•ocket; and he retired without :another ward or lOok at the bear. • That yras therinurir they were feeding gruel in a saloon on. Itandolph street • t wo, eVeninga ego -olio man was feeding him,gruel and another feeling alenglis opine td find the fraiiture. -Lightning struck a sexton at Tomei, seb,1\tioh' ; and knooked him into a grave that he had dug. - • • Beau in lekntetti,. AN ANECDOTE THE CHEEKIEST a DEAD,DEATS IN 1118 BEST DAYS. It is related. of the famous Beau Hickman that in his best days he once wentto firat-c lass hotel in l3al Helot e, And, after registering bis name, said he wanted the very best the liehse could Afford for hie money, twirling' in his nd-ar.theeeMe' timea .519.arPer...of dollar. The clerk saw hefOre Mw an elegently-attired-gentIeillan, and,46 the Beau requeited assigned him a hand - mime :parlor and bedroom. Beau lived like a fighting -cock, ordering wines, ex- tra dinners, and ryt evehing palatable, for 'week, at the end of.which time the bill was sent. Theaniount was • some- thineeextravagant.. . • • Notbiog, abashed,' hoWever, he strolled into the office and confronted the clerk. 'Look hire, sir : there .''Must -be S0010 mistakeabout this ; when I mine here I told you I wanted the best•yeu could Afford fat my' money's worth: fhair this'quarter then .(prodinsing. the coin) and it's all I've had:ahem: The ,clerk *axed angry and high words' folleived. Your. fault,' your faUft,' saicithe inipeeturable Bean ' 'notmine •Y*011 eau kick me :Out if you like; but I'd rathet go alone? • Tradition 'Sarre 'they were abohrte -preceod- Ittelent' thee -- sures when the landlord' appeared kon. the scene; and looking at the name on the.registnr,...recalled.tha peculiar vagt: alit character of the. men, before him (then just becming,nototious in Wash..' ington), .and r discovered' that he tad -been " egregiously -sold.' -•.Tbe thought flashed across his Mind, ',If this joke gets out I shell. be the lallg13111010Ck 01 my friends, and never' bear the last of it.' Deliberating a• moment he turn.. ed to I3eau and good-naturedly reznaik- ed : Well Hickman,' that's .the. •best 'ever .1214 ; but can keep it. I'll Make a bargain with you. Here, take this $5, and pay your fere to Washing - ten (Beau quietly Pocketed, the half • eagle), -and now go over to 'the II,ouse, stay a,week on the same terms that you sthyed here; and pi, give you dinner every time 'that you come to Baltimore.' 'Thank you,,replied Beau, without cracking a ernile, _live been over there for two. weeks, and they sent me here ' , , , is needless to add that" Beau disap-' peared,Out of the frontdoor .with acce..• lerated triotii5n; and the landlord neior _heardthe last attempt to 'get, even' with his neighbor.' the boy Where was he gone? Ask • of the winds that far around strewed bits of meat and tops and nailsand books and yore, the relics of the dreadful boy that burned his father's barn. -Spring-, Alit Union. ITALIAN G11118,-abe girls of Italy do many 'things our young ladies 'would not think of •loing, and they lease un -,- learned certain accomplishments which only the very pooreat American fair ones pass by, The Italian bride makes her own outfit, and, as the troussead eonsists of six dozen of everything, ing intended to last tWenty-five years and all must be embroidered and frill- ed, the task is not an eau one. But they take their time. tb it, occupying two years in .getting it in shape, and all the while the work goes. on the lov- • ers are courting. The husband, gives the dresses, hawls, everything, in fact, but the underclothing. Italian girls do not learn to An, draw . and play the piano. These are left to people who earn their living by them. But they are taught how' to aew, cook andiron,- Forney's Progress. ' A florae •Trsiviti in ColOrado. ' : - • • An honest'. mihee satin :.a contempla- tive mood. before the door of .aeraloon in .one ,of. the crowded. thorOughfateri of Denyer. He had "teken,sugar labiate" Meeraltimes,' and now cast a 1ohli at intervals toward titiprospected regiona in -the foOthille where -he hoped to etrike a tellurioni. leed•uow that "the plimer • diggin'a waa'played Out." :Slowly dawn the 'Street darna solitary •horiertirin,111 rtiounted;' Pearly mengrelt-equip. ped, and-stoppedln-fmarckthitter. Stringer,! 'said he; t l'itant" to .8411 yer lime.' •• " •. 'Stranger,' was the reply, don't • As the'Ithig of Spain was going to church on Saturday weld woman, sup- posed to be insane, threw a large 7stene at the 'carriage, • Enjoy Life. • What a truly beautiful world we live in Nature gives us grandeur of mountains, glens and oceans, and thousands of means for an. isylogot,:._51k ean, enjoy no better when in perfeet health ; bat how Often the inafCrf: ty of people feel like giving. it up diehearten. ed, discouraged aud worried out with disease, when there is no occasion for this feeling, as every sufferer can easily obtain satisfactory proof that Green's Augast Ylower,wiIl make themes freefrom disease as when born. Dys. pepsia. and Liver Oamplaint is the direct mese of seventy•fire per cent of each male - dies as Billiousuess, Indigestion, Sick Head- adhe, Ceetiveness, Nervous Prostration, Ms- zinees of the Head, Palpitation of the Heart, and other distressing symptoms. Three dorms 0f August Plower will prove 'its wonderful effeet. Sainple bottlea, 10 cents. 'Try it. ou.ntCastreg-11114 t S. • , . ••• THE. SUR/10111BER RESPECTFULLY BEGS TO inforna the inhabits:Ala °Baton andeurroundiug .00tintrythethe Imo etertedhie • • • . • • • . • : • • •• • 'ISTrt vir SAW. .M • •01: ituAoiv'sti%ttf, ," ••• Opposite the Great Western Statlin Strit'inger,r_ rejoined the wayfarer, you really must buy hike • You toyer see It better horse for the price? • Whav is.the price; straoger 2' asked. the contemplative map. A' hundred and fifty dollars,: and dirt cheep at that.'. • -The inquirer meditated for a few Mo- ments and -then ,blandly retaarked, Stranger,. P11 give ger five.' • : • • The 'equestrian dismounted, saying ivith'earnestnets, Stranger, I Won't allow a. hundred and forty-five dollars 'to- Stand? between you , and me and a trade. The horse is yours l' -[.Ex..) The boy,stood on the back -yard. fence' whenee all but him, had fled, the flames • that lit his father's barn shone. just above his head. One btinclaiof crackers in .his hand, two others in -his hat, with piteous accents loud he never thought of that 1' .A bunch of creek- ers to' the tail of one small dog he'd tied ; the deg in' anguish sought the barn and mid the ruins died, The sparks flew wide and recl and hot, they lit upon the brat; they fired the oraokers in his head and • eke there) in his' hat. Then dame a burst of rattling sound-:-. 4 , • • . • . And iii.propared,tO • Cigt Log8oasltares, or cheap /Or . kis also liAlfilfElBER. of al lands be hand, f or sale. E.. B14./.1.1"N'TOArFT.:1L.. Onnixos, Jen. 17, 1878. ' • MoKII LOP MUTUAL FIRE INSURANCE OOMPANT, • T119S. NEILA111S1 AGENTI- nAnr.oeri, ONT. Fanners Wishing to insure will And thio Comiany one of the best tend cheapest to insure in, and will be waited on at their limes if information be sent to the Agents' office. 4y • Araiurr TO keeldro. MORTGAGES, NOTES, AND 'OTHER . -0 god Seeurities Purchased. C-O,NVEYANCING. w.w. l'ABRAN: Clinton, Nov. 9, 1878. ' • 47 ' • NEW `VIIVIE CARD-. GRAND TRUNIC RAILWAY., ANO, AFTER MONDAY, eTUNE 9TH, PassMger Trellis will leave Clinton station al follows -Gorita Kaar..--Exp;,oss, 12.40 p. m. M611.-7.85ii• Goma VEsX..-s-Express, 880 p, m. ; /Sized 645; ca. 1.45 m., 9.15 p: • '-•• A. finta.ITON, Agen• VarjltKt8o4ri General lfaileger. Olinten, July 24. 1679. for to* nd gipoiiti in th o lora-mot ,1161T11 WHET tRANUORTAVON 00'Y, (worm) ' NEW WAGGON SHOP. ..,•••••=- • Thos. Friendship Desires to inform the people of Clinton and surronadv ing country, that he has opened a Waggon Shop in connection with cocoa et ;elms' Blacksmith shop ISAAC/ STREET • ClIANTON Where he will be prepared to execute all online for ; Wiagraw0, CarellaBes, llettaerS, doh, en the shortest notice, and at the meet reasobabl ratee, Repairing of all kind; promptly attended to. GIVE. Insi. A OALL. 0110teni Marsh ie, largest,mostpowerhel, best equipped Steamers 1. on the lakes, composed of the following first-class Beats •• • • MANITOBA, Capt. .1". B. Syme. riununo, Capt. It. Anderson. ONTARIO, Capto 13. Robertson. ' One of the above nuednitlemetSteamerii will leave Wind- sor every Friday Morning§ Hernia every Tuesday and Friday eVenings, and lieuerress every Wed. needdy nud Saturday, ernorolutt, ;or DU-. lath, =Ohm close and direct oenneetiene there With the Noithera Paoille Railroad, for Manitoba. had all potato *bet, and calling at Itinastamp. Seethemptois, Brim° alines. Hilton, Sault SW. Mane, Idiofiligoofon, Biker Velum Arthus Lending* weat,lier Petrult' ting. • .• Partiet; ahipping steak by till/flint will make es good time, got &oars: rates, mud teoeil'o gook in hotter con• dition that if ;shipped by mil, Tor tiekets and information, apply to WISEMAN BROS, or the 0. W. 11. agent. • 11.W' Be sure and buy year tickets vis It. W. T. 00. Steadiers. 'HENRY BEATTY, Ottierel Manager. • .tIFIBAR BOOTS. best French Calf Boot ZIA= TO' 0111/E11, Troy. from ti3 to $4, Bt clintonrAPril 24, up, AT H. EAcen. 8 PER CENT. To Partners 86° La ad Owners MONEY • TO LOA* the above low rate of int4eat. " IP.A.TMENTI8 Ina he made RIMOStany Way to sdit. • ' the. borO. wer.* . INTEREST Payable Or any sum can be paid on the, prineiMg, -at the end Of • any year, S. PISEIER, CLINTon.: Clinton NOT. 210t,11,878. . • 1 •••, . GEO., IYIE11.1., Q4.)3INET. MAKER • DEALER IN Ar.r. Maps or YURNIITEEI 4 • UNDERTAKER •.• :Victoria St. Clinton; . • PRINTING. PRINTING PRINTING: PRIN IN PRINTING. fla: • r.. ra • . . STEAM * iPNTIYG NICI • Is equipped with The very best ly.,Iachinery wisEmApi, BANKING.ad EXCHANGE Office, • CLINTON; .ONT MONIIY TO LENli 'en first•class farm • property, at 7.yper cent. Ageats for several firsi,elass .FIRE, LIFE mid ACCIDENT INSURANCE' • • COMPANIES. TOWN TICKET, AGENCY For UM -Grind Trunk Railway- of Canada. We ,issne, Tickets to till points on the 0. T. R., also to Ike • • Eastern and Western States. .PARTIES Golilt. TO MANITOBA Can proolite 'Pint:mon Trehaie AT .LoWasr • :In the way of YA.ST:.PRES.O.E:S;: . . And has"' . • . The :liargest of I ype To be found in anrcountry offieein•Cana- da, Its prices' • being as reasonable. as those of any similar establishment; and a competent staff of workmen beiug always engaged, give it unrivalled,facilities for th execution of all kinds o 9 f • MERCANTILE PRINTING-. • . ..,• , PASSENGER AGENCY_FOR the Cunard and,lximan Line of Stearners. • • * WISEMAN BROS. • .Clititon,ararch 27, 1879. A LARGE QUANTITY, I. l'IT il Po 'ilittiii ,. . . . i. OLINTON.. .. ..••: ...i,_). -,,..Aft • •. • • DODGERS. ,•T • HANGERS,. TREAWIERS: posT,E4& . BILL RADS. .', LETTER ' • - *gIVOItANEIA • . • STATEMENTS..., . • . NOTES. • ,,. CHECKS: • . • . .•ORDERS. , . , .. . . . ' :RECEIPTS•- - - —/cit-itnTbfl OF -.SPRING- ' t , * ." 1' ' • .....-, . • . , PEM, trot tivedotelleafb11:644'7 Seed qats, 4.'white . . I • PLAIN Olt • IN .COLOES. : ." .; . • ,• . • PRIME TIMOTHY and CLOVER 'SE,ROi , • . • . • • • • • W. PERRIN. Clinton, Ilargh.18, 1879.• •• . THE Scottish Comierciai Fire ,Insuraice -OP GLASGOW. , • iOnaepostmael: Two 171tio.sis1Sototr01:0notro. Assets, • - $1,500000: • •—• PROVINCE OP ONTARIO BRANCH. Read- 'Oftlee -y Toronto Street, TORONTO. BOARD ex' DTBEeT011$ Joint imarece,x04„ chett•etee, President Canada Landed CreditCompany. :Das S. PLAYPAIR, U87., of Bryce, alcalearich WirxrAts ALEXANDER, Rte., Vice•Prosiderit Federal Bank of Canada. INSPECTOR -ROBERT Manta. RaSintaT SECRETARY LAWIthNCE 131/1711AN. Doomitot tali the Government at Ottetvie, for bee* rity of Canadian Polley Holdere, 8100,000. ' This company iSSnOtt Polkaed of Insurance against lose or damage by fire er lightning, on mercantile, man. Ofaeturing, farm and household risks, at enrrelit rates. Policies are twitted tenni and tones settled directly by th6 Toronto 60104 witholit delay, • „ Al1Premiums taken in this eotedtry ere invested In Cati•adien soeuritiee, 4.olitiq RID 0 Dv, • AGENT POP. 'CLINTON' ARP .VtrItNI'll'It Olin ton, Juts, 12, 1577. 4. . 40 Call and see :Owlet end get,piieei •. ' Itotiits & l'tipw'Riti, Oman.. ." • • PRINTING. . PRINTING: • - PRINTING. PR PR ING. P M: PR • G. I G. - • •