HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron News-Record, 1896-04-08, Page 7s#(eQor
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0$1 , QF ' E''iStLl. Nvg'S HUMOR -
a,• C)Il8i.Y SCIENTIFIC ARTICLES.
SC•boel Lemon. "
1724. Ile billets &can Proctor and the
e make o +;4ssyle-AlewteiVe Claim and
y t rwindow, pouting' gla opini°41st horoor►-Whitt Ile Would
ilg on tutr'pane. Have 30"..,tte, I TY..-
u "too bad,' she said to
;sit sewing 'The earth Is that Itody in • h e solar
!t,Iai r volt WOK1:ninsl
tme, While 1 isb LI,1is,'
Lmma1 wlIo,IIoo ed tared..
said you alyv'ays wanted
r'iuy. Sundiay-school lesson
94,40,7, and now I want to, and
,t lettme, and Ida will wonder
es ' .uotti' c„oioe over.. ]lot's all
, ., lay ng' with her blocks. I
th,'ih. +kon vould want me to go
io4?�y tad Ida will be so disap-
tihtPhlien 1,said 1 would come.
tbooi Mary, go,' said mother
tyltld`]r>lpeft to her work with -
Nay looked at her
elle relly"'meant it; for she
ardly .,•believe she had made
; Seer the thing as she saw it.
owns not quite sure ehe had,
running by the, window, she
4.1r14t1r1141t had dropped her work
ItaIsen Dot, who was fretting.
is., %put, she ran down the
jg�ayly trill d by Ilia's house,
e•Went ups i- path . The door
, and a bri i' eyed little girl
4. -there -smiling; clad in a long -
led apron:
pq$lrou, May,' she said glancing at
. uarterly May held:• 'l ' am so
to disappoint you, but mama
'mamma':me tolean the silver this after.
w
/* Maria, is away. Just look at
nds! I knew you would he dis-
' cited, too, but I thought you
d understand why I wanted to
' maiaima; you have such a dear
Wof your own. So we will have to
nit ill next week. And mamtna
iit:she would help me herself to-
g '''"and that will be pay enough. I
t1(a u.not stay any longer now. Come
ontyou?
it
i declined, and as the door closed
I„Idea's bright face she walked slowly
ard::home, rolling her lesson quer-
-And thinking very hard. As she
e,( 'into the yard she heard Dot
w
and going
work s
rrk window
on stillhe floors,
`the baby in her aims.
k again so soon?' said mamma.
ti ay.enterled. Dot stopped crying
1ok• at her.
s,' she faltered, putting off her
!Ida couldn't study just now.'
her?' asked mamma.
useshe w,as---helping-her-mam-
borst out May, and running to
iniother,'she burled her head on her
tilder,.;while the sobs came fast.
h, i"st -,that it ?' said mother, com-
ing'ly, stroking the yellow hair.
,.aMay, you can do that as well as
Here is Dot, who still wants sis-
;.
a0�nlpy-and-by, when the sewing
ptieE,and Dot is asleep, you and I
study lesson together.'
.4"raised her ad.
let's .just w
going to
•
faot`a good way when Ida is too
;study with you ?
`mina,' said May, coloring, 'I
mean to be so selfish ! You
'd rather you would belp me
illygone else. And perhaps it was
b1;yganted to see Ida more than
tithe lesson.'
nirt wonder you wanted to see a
fcriililie Ida, ',said mamma, with
i,I�tn glad you did.' -Helen T.
ii¢tTew York 'Observer.'
t Ida and her mam-
,' she said, curpris-
lness makes one look pre -
old, so a full head of hair
1ii,finature life the appearance of
1'sI'o•secure this and prevent the
;;' yej s Hair Vigor is confident-
oi;#1}mended. Both ladies and
tprefer it to any other dress-
, i ,.,'
ugtional bill has been intro-
ha„;:lmperial Parliament pro -
r the Support of voluntary
E MACDONALD' S OLD
`'%TSTITUEN'CY .
11dpi:bre, M. P. FOR KINO-
!1p1' TEE SPLENDID CURA-
AR T R OF DR. AGNEW'S
n'tsi;'OWDER.
o small amount of talk in
the- country of the class of
rerproclaiming the remark-
Os,,,sccompliehed by Dr. Ag
,liftltialal Powder, for loading
t)1t parts of the Dominion
Atnong others who tell
pIfve nature of this medi-
ttjrCh, haj+fever, or cold in
1'r. 'T.13. Metcalf, -the popu-
tp K'ngston, the conetituenoy
Yui Eoi- so many years by the
A:.Macdonald. Beyond
"'this remedy is a marvel,
..Itifef'Ceots, it is at the same
)0,, and agreeable to take,
ii:tIbt be said of most catarrh
tl,aifittle and blower Bent by S.
obi-, 44 Church et , Toronto,
sof two three•oont stampe.-
Watts & Co. •
;piled States Secretary of War
the House of Representatives
rt.. of the survey for a canal
ii Lake Superior with the
1` river. The cost of such a
uid range from seven to thirty
t llars.
If Suffering from Lost Manhood
A21.1 Nervou'a Debility Leak of Vigor
l0-day+e treatment sent free to anyone
esti, tit Poliqtage stamps.
BTA.NDAaa MEDICAL 00.,
940 Bt. lames Street,Montreel
Atm', aged about '23 years,
cid half a'lnlle from Hol -
f` t1 her way home about 10
lddday night.
and. Thomas McLaughlin
tented to three years and one
peettvely in penitentiary at
><•,r o nterfeiting.
system which most un'say rear ere r03
reales upon: and whish some of the
I -egret tc1 say, ;modestly defilre to exvy
and control, forgetting that the eart
is the Lord's, ,and the fullness thereo
Some Men do nat care who owns th
• earth so long as they get the fullness
The earth 1s 600,000,000 years of age
according to Prof. Proctor, but sh
doesn't look it to me. The Duke o
Argyll maintains that she Is 10,000,00
years old last August, but what doe
an ordinary duke know about the
things ? So far as I am ooncerned
will put Proctor's memory agains
that of any low-priced duke that
have ever seen.
Newton claimed that the eart
would gradually dry up up and becom
porous, and that water would at las
become a curiosity. Many believe thi
and are rapidly preparing their sys
teras, by a rigid course of treatment
so that they oan live for years with-
out the .use of water internally or ex-
ternally.
Other scientists who have set up
nights to monkey with the solar sys-
tem, and thereby shattered their nerv-
ous systems, claim that the earth is
getting top-heavy at the north pole,
and that one of these days while we
are thinking of something else, the
great weight of accumulated lee, snow
and the vast accumulation of second-
hand arctic relief expeditions, wlll jerk
the earth out of its present position
with so much eponta.niety, and in such
an extremely forthwith manner, that
many people will be permanently stra-
bismussed and much bric-a-brac will
he for sale at a great sacrifice. This
may or may not be true. I have not
been up In the arctic regions to in-
vestigate its truth or falsity, though
there seems to be a growing senti-
ment throughout the country in favor
of my going. A great many people
during the past year have written me
and given me their consent.
If I'could take about twenty good,
picked men and go up there for the
summer instead of bringing back
twenty picked men I wouldn't mind th
the trip, and I feel at we really ought
to have a larger colony on toe in that
region than we now have.
The earth Is composed of land and
water. Some of the water has large
chunks of Ice In it. The earth re-
volves around its ow•naxle once. in
twenty-four hours,though it seems -to
revolve faster than that and to wob-
ble a good deal during the holidays.
Nothing tickles the earth more than
to confuse a man when he is coming
home late at night, and then to rise
up suddenly and hit him In the back
with a town lot. ,People who think.:
there is no fun or relaxation amen
the heavenly bodies certainly have
not studied their habits. Even the
moon is a humorist.
A friend of mine who was returning
late at night from a regular meeting
of the Society for the Amelioration of
the Hot Scotch said that the earth
rose up suddenly in front of him and
hit him with a right of way, and as
he was about to rise up again he was
stunned by a terrific blow. between the
shoulder blades with an old land grant
that he thought had lapsed years ago.
When he staggered to his feet he found
that the moon, in order to add to his
confusion had gone down in front of
him and risen again behind him, with
her thumb to her nose.
So I say, without fear of successful
oontradlctlon,that if you do not think
that planets and orbs and one thing
and another have fun on the cin] t
you are grossly ignorant, of theirhabits'.
The earth is about half way between
Mercury and Saturn in the matter of
density. Mercury is of about the apect-
fic gravity of Iron, While that of Sa-
turn corresponds with that of cork in
the matter of density and specific
gravity. The earth, of course, does
not compare with Mercury in the mat-
ter of solidity, yet it is amply firm for
all practical purposes. A negro who
fell out of the tower of a twelve -storey
building while trying to clean the up- 1
per window by drinking a quart 'of
alcohol and then breathing hard on
the glass, says that he regards the
earth as perfectly solid and safe to do
business on for years to come. He
claims that tbose who maintain that
the earth's crust is only 2500 miles In
thickness have not thoroughly tested
the matter by a system of practical
experiments.
The poles of the earth are merely
imaginary. I hate to print this state-
ment In a large paper In such a way
as to injure the reputation of great
writers on this subject who still cling
to the theory that the earth revolves
upon large poles and that the aurora
borealis is but the reflection from a
hot box at the north pole, but I am
here to tell the truth, and if my read-
ers think it disagreeable to read the
truth, what must my anguish be to
have to tell It ? The mean diameter of
the earth is 7916 English statute miles,
but the actual diameter from pole to
pole .Is a still meaner diameter, being
7899 miles, while the Equatorial dlame-
tar Is 7925 1-2 miles.
The long and patient struggle of our
earnest and tireless geographers and
savants in past years in order to Ob-
tain these figures and have them ex-
act few can realize. The long and
thankless job of measuring the diame-
ter of the earth, no matter what the
weather might be, away from home
and friends, foot -sore and weary, still
plodding on, fatigued but determined
to know the mean diameter of
the earth, even Lf it took a leg, mea-
suring on for thousands of weary
miles and getting farther and farther
away from home and then forgetting,
perhaps, how many thousand miles
they had gone, and being oompelled
to go back and measure It over again
while their noses got red and their
fingers were benumbed. These, fellow -
citizens, are a few of the sacrifices
that science has made on our behalf
In order that we may not grow up In
Ignorance. These are a few of the
blessed privileges, which, along with
life, liberty, and bite pursuit of happi-
ness are ours --ours to anticipate, ours
to participate, ours to precipitate.
BiLL NYE.
w
m,
n
f.h
e
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0
s
se
I
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e
8
The wintry breeze name gayly around
the corner of the postofnce building.
'"Tal tat" said the hat. "I'm Oft" .
Iik.FORu TAKING.
AFTER TA ICING.
HUNKINSON'S MAIL.
The Postmistress of . Beau/WHO, labor
Vlsits'Chicaao On Business.
Assistant' 'Postmaster Hubbard w
sitting in his private,• office when
gaunt, woman of uncertain age wa
shown in. says the Chicago Recon
"I come to see about it,” she said,
she took a seat.
"Yes, madam; about what ?"'
"That letter."
"I guess I don't quite understan
you,” the postmaster observed, look
ing about uneasily to see If there wa
any chance of the visitor having
bomb about -her person.
"That letter of Bill Huakinson's, y
know. Bill Huskinson, of Beautifu
Shore, Neb.".
"You will, have to bemore explleit
madame," said the official, with ill
voice still laden with care and appre
henslon.
"Oh, I thought you'd remember that
sure. I'm Mrs. Marthy Walters, th
Postmistress of Beautiful Shore, an
I've come clear in here to see 1f 1
was wrong, I don't want to do nothin
wrong, an' I don't feelquite easy
You see, Bill Hunklnson was sent t
the penitentiary for ruetlin' four 'flytn
W' cattle oft the G. I. C. range. The
talked of hangin' him, but tai
Wasn't any tree in the country."
"Yes 2".
'Weil, Grothers, the• 'feller on the
next claim to mine, had been worryin
me half to death wantln' me to marry
m.
hiUset to come around and sing
just outside my sod house where I
had :the post -office on the Beautiful
Shore road. Sung fearful, too. Uset to
•glt drunk on reservation whisky an'
swear he'd kill himself if I wouldn't
have him. Acted .scandalous, and
bean', a worthless man, I could.n't abide
him. But that didn't make him any
the easier In his conduct. Made him
worse. Well, after Hunkinson went
down to Lincoln to stay inside, this
here letter Dame. It came from Chi-
cago. You remember it ?"
"No, I don't, I assure you."
"Last April ?"
"I cannot recall it."
"Well, mehbe you have more than
we do at Beautiful Shore. At any
rate, when it come Grathers was at
his drunkest and affectionatest. I hat-
ed to see the letter to go to waste so
I called him in an' give It to him. Told
.him it was his'n. I knew he couldn't
read, an' he made me read it for hlin.
I told him It said his lost grandfather
had just died in Chicago an' left him
$4,000,000 an' wanted him to come right
on east an' prove it. He riz up an' de-
clared in haughty pride that he was
now done with me forever an' was
glad he hadn't married under his sta-
tion. Sold out his claim an' critters
and next day left for Chicago. What
has bothered me all this time Is, was
It all right ? The letter oouldn't done
Hunkinson no good anyway, for it
was only an advertisement for a new
kind of overalls made by some Chi-
cago feller. Was I justified, or is a
Goverment man corrin' out there to
make trouble? It worried me till I al-
lowed I'd come in here an' ask you."
"I thlnk it will be all right," Mr.
Hubbard replied.
"Much obliged. I don't see how It
could hurt anybody If you're satisfied,
Grothers was a dreadful dlspieaeln'
man."
0
as
a
s
d.
as
d
8
a
ou
1'
s
t
0
Y
ere
Hunting Experlencoa.
"Yes," said the meek -looking man,
"I've no doubt you've had some great
hunting experiences in your travels
abroad."
"I have, indeed."
"Buffalo hunting-"
"Yes."
"And bear hunting-"
"Of course."
"Well, you just come round, and let
my wife take you house -hunting and
bargain-hunttag with her. Then you'll
begin to know what real excitement
is'." -Tit -Bits.
A Geographical Goat.
t3wlpeey O'Rooke-Dere Chlmmy is
der most ourioueest freak o' nature
wet was ever saw. Date Atlas, my
geography goat, his port side tarries
der map o2 de Eastern and Western
hemispheres, his starboard side is
covered wit de may op Ireland, while
We tail le a ltvirtil homage of de nett
pole.
g410 7x Ntk!' AN
QUICKLY .GND PERMANENTLY H4N;sgEp
UY Dat, ;,,Sdit+NA1V'8 CORP; FOR „PIS,
.. ,s^ untie.
,Oitttd4e net need .to wait, if,wiee,
until heart diereses bus developed to
that degree tltat'olifj iiarclty1 kppwe fr nl
,toours when be
o
Hrtebaha rod
that a
littleexpitement brings on, followed by
smothering spel;Ie that seem as tbougb
they • �tRfatt�d` l pVoio fatal, are simply
guide posts pointing to the grave, if
.ready • and 'reliable measures to atom
the fliseRse,ate•not taken. Aeafe. reme•
dy isglwriye found io Dr. Agnew'sCure
for the heart. It gives relief immedi-
etttly;,' and 'eVen, without much of
the medicine being taken, it com-
pletely removes dieeaee. It is a heart
appoifiol really wonderful in its results,
but it euros heart dieease only, -.-Sold
by Watts & Co.
Genesee river contiuued to rise all
last week. Railway traffic is impeded,
and residences on the west side of the
river are flooded.
DISHONEST MEN.
They Often Recommend Worthless
Goods to Buyers.
Thera are many diehoneet men in
busineea. Their first and last thoughts
are'iu the direction of big profits.
These dishonest dealers, regardless
of the interests of their customers, seize
every opportunity to substitute poor
goods' when etandard and well•kuown
brands are asked for.
To a very large extent, these dishon-
est dealers try to foist adulterated and
worthless dyes on the public when the
celebrated Diamond Dyes are asked
for. Watch such dealers closely, and
when you discover any attempt to de-
ceive, by recommending poor, lmita-
tation dyes, leave hie store, and go to
some other,
The Diamond Dyes are retailed at
the eame price ae the wortklese dyes -
ten cents per package. The Diamond
will give you complete aatiefication,
but the worthless, obeap dyes will ruin
your work and spoil your temper. if
your dealer does not keep the Diamond
Dyes, send.your order to us, and we
will mail the dyes to you. Wells &
Richardson Co., Montreal.
The Public will please Take Notice
Ryckman's
Kootenay
Cure
that
HAS BEEN REDUCED TO
ONE DOLLAR PER BOTTLE.
For salt by druggists.
Merchants will bo allowed rebate on old
prioes for what they have in stock.
TheS .8 Rickman Medicine Co.
HAMILTON, ONT.
SMALLPDX KILLS
SO DOES TOBACCO
Read the strong endorsement given
-Tolmcco Coro.
In the interest of the manes, for whom these re-
port(' are complied, the UNITED STATUS HEALTH 58-
roarS have examined and Investigated many prepara-
tions having for their object the cnre of the tobacco
habit, but among them all we have no hesitancy In
giving the editorial and official endorsement of these
REPORTS to the remedy known as "UNCLE
SAM'S TOBACCO CURE," manufactured
by the Keystone Remedy Company, at 218 Le Salle
street, Chicago. We have demonstrated by personal
teats that thla antidote poettively destroys the taste
and desire for tobacco to ten day°, leaving the eyetem
In a perfectly healthy condition, and the person using
the same forever free from the habit.
In the light et our examinationa and teats of
"UNCLE SAM'S TOBACCO ()TIRE," we are
but performing a duty we owe the public when we en-
dorse the same, and etamp it ae the crowning achieve-
ment of the nineteoth century, In the way of destroy.
Ing a habit as disgusting as It le common (POR
ONLY $1.00); bene° we earnestly advise yen to
write them for full particulars.
Sold only by
ALLEN & WILSON,
CLINTON.
NAIL CONTRAreT.
aBALTKH Tf',NDER8, addressed to the Postmaster
0 General; will be received at Ottawa until noon
on Friday, 24th April, 1808, for the conveyance of
Her Majesty's Melia, en proposed contracts for tour
years from the lot Jnly next.
1. Between Bayfield and Seaforih, 8 tame,' per
week eseh way.
2. Between Seaforth and Railway Station, 24 time,
por week oaoh way.
Printed notice(' oontalnlug further Intdrthation as
to eonditiona of proposed rontraote may be amen and
blank forma of Tender may be obtained at the Post
Onkel' along the reepective rontea and at thio office.
Post Ovine inepactor's OMoe, ( H. G. AOPKIRK,
Stratford, 18th Month, 1898, j Petit Office Inapestor.
007-8E.
q i t
NNEY & CO.
�f Reliable Specialiste.
88 Years Exper$, r pe
in the treatment of the Throat end Long ?
Troubles,. catarrh, hstlitna, Bronchltia, •
Nervrus.Gbroote and Spectat»is';
eOats of men and women.
11) tQ$t restored—gidney and Bled-
MflA1h40tt der troublesermanentl
ti+ cured•-rOleet, Gonorrhoea VSrhhoccloand
r i+i t stricture cured without pain. No cutting;
thin, i Syphilis and alt Blood Mavens tuned
Without mercury.
gg
{ Young Alen Suffering from the effects of
youthful -ionic pr indiscretions,
or an troubled with Wdakness, Nervous
Debility, Loss of Memory, Despondency,
Aversion to Society, Kidney Troubles, or
any disease of the Genital -Urinary Or-
gg�a�ns, can here find safe and speedy cure.
,barges reasonable, especially to the
poor. CURES GUARANTEED.
Middle -Aged Mt►n wThere are many troubled
with too frequent evacu-
tidtl5 of ah burley, often accompanied by a slight smarting or burning sensation, and
weakenin of the systab in a manner the patient cannot account for. There are many
moo who die of this difficulty, Ignorant of the cause. The doctor will guarantee a r-
fect•eure loan such cases, and healthy restoration of the gealto-urinary organs. Con -
imitation tree, those unable to call, earn write full particulars of their case and have
medicine sent by express, with full instructions for use. Mention this paper when
Writing. 'Office hours: From 9 e. in. to 8 p. m. Sundays, 9 to 11 a. m. •
DR. SPINNEY & CO. (S 1d Entrance No. DWARD 1E. Elizabeth St.)
DETROIT, MICH.
BIG SALE
OF-
eavy• Overcoats
—AND—
sEsuE SUITS
Going on this week at
T. Jackson's, - Huron Street.
HUB GROCERY.-
-'--0 —
We don't Blow, but we do say that we can show you good values in
NEW TEAS, (direct imggrtations.)
Select Valencia Raisins.
Fine off Stalk.
Filliatra Currants.
Ambrisia Currants.
IS
,t
Prunes.
1
NEW FIGS.
At
.1
Orange Peel.
Lemon Pee).
Citron Peel.
" Walnuts, Filberts.
Almonds.
4!
Our Fruit is the finest we can purchase in the market. We have a nice ion
0;1 4;hristmas Goods for presents. Will be pleased to show goods.
GEORGE SWALLOW, Clinton.
CLINTON SASH, DOOR AND BLIND FACTORY
0
S. S. COOPER, - - PROPRIETOR
General Builder and Contractor.
This factory has been under the personal supervision and one owner for eiigl!t
years. We carry an extensive and reliable stock and prepare plane and give
estimates for and build all classes of buildings on short notice and on the closed
prices. All work is supervised in a mechanical way and satisfaction
guaranteed. We sell all kinds of interior and exterior material.
Lumbers Lath, Shingles, Lime, Sash, Doors, Blinds
Agent for the CELEBRATED GRAYBILL SCHOCL DESK, manufactured .
at Waterloo. Call and get prices and estimates bcicro playing your orderer,
••••••••IN THE SPR ING••••••••
A young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. But with the House -keeper it la ditlbrcn
her thoughts aro all about House Cleaning. and naturally turn to the well-known fact that
GLI rTON'S IIOPL
IS '
Telephone 23.
SOAP
It is put up In three pound Bars and sold only by us.
THE CASH GROCERY.
OG -LE COOPER & Cts.
N. ROBSON
Offers Values uasurpassod in Teas, Medium and High Grades JAPAN, PUBS
CHINA BLACKS and INDIAN and CEYLON BLENDS, my own
importations; try a sample order and be convinced of saving from'bo. to
100. per Ib. instead of buying from tea peddlers.
Evaporated Fruite-APPLES, APRICOTS, SILVER PRUNES, PITTED
PLUMS, PEACHES, CALIFORNIA CANNED GOODS, "COLUM-
BUS" Brand finest goods put up in California (sole agent here.)
In Crockery, DINNER, TEA and TOILET SETS, at oost.
A Quantity of CHOICE RED CLOVER, ALSIITE and TIMOTHY SEED on
• hand, FRESH GARDEN and FLOWER SEEDS
Remember the Old Stand. Albert Street,
CLINTON.
Leslie's Carriage Factory.
BUGGIES, PHAETONS, CARTS AND WAGONS -all of the beet work.,
manabip and material. ed All the latest styles and most modern improve-
mente. All work warranted. Repairing and repainting promptly attended
to. Prices to suit the times.
se "FACTORY-oorner Huron and Orange Stre Clinton. 857-
r ,..C1 et