HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron News-Record, 1892-12-07, Page 7t
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Send at once and get a bottle of "Mrs
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is value la incalculable. It will relieve
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)ttivr," and tako no other kind. 656y
ssolution of Partnership.
r• The partnership heretofore existing be•
,Breen W. T. Whitely and A. M. Todd as
,"proprietors and publishers of TRE Hullos
NEws•REoottn, a paper published in" the
sown bf Clinton, is heteb$' dissolved, to
Alike effeerfrbin and after the ninth day of
'November, 1892, the said A. M. Todd'
.9.,having purchased the interest of the said
W. T. Whitely in the said newspaper,
THE 1TuroN NEWS -RECORD, the presses
and plant and all the belongings and
appurtenances used and in connection
with the publishing ot the said Minor:
NEWS -RECORD. A• M.' Todd further
agrees to pay all liabilities and claims ow-
ing by or against the firm ot Whitely &
Todd, and be is hereby authorized to
collect all accounts owing to the said firm
of Whitely & Todd up to Nevember
9th, 1892, in- pursuance of agreement
signed'in duplicats.
W. T. WHITELY,
A. M. TODD.
Witness, JAMES SCOTT.
Clinton, Nov. 9th, 1892.
NOTICE.
All persons having acconuts against the
late firm of WHITELY & TODD, up to
November .9th, 1892, are requested to
send the same to the undersigned.
Personal accounts up to smile date to bo
rendered to W. T. Whitely and A. M
',odd.individual ly.
A. M. TODD.
Clinton, Nov. 9th, 1892.
IIIIPORT ANT ; _QTJOLS...
All parsons indebtetbeto the late firm of
WHITELY 1% TODD, publishers of THE
NEWS RECORD, for Job Printing, subscrip-
tion and Advertising are requested to
settle personally, by Post Office Order or
Registered Letter, AT ems. New books
will be•used frnn Nov. 9th, 1892, and it
is imperative that all back accounts be
settled forthwith.
A. M. TODD.
Clinton, Nov. 14th, I962.
Consumption Cured.
An old physician, retired from practice, having
had planed in hie hands by an East India,uission-
ary the formula of a simple vegetable remedy to-
the speedy and permanent euro of Consnmption,
Bronchitis, Catarrh, Asthma and all throat and
Lung Affections, oleo a. positive and radical care
for Nervone Debility and all Nervona Complaints,
after having tested its wonderful curative powers
In thonsandn of ea.oa, has felt it his duty to make
it known to his Whiting fellows. Actuated by this
motive and a desire to relieve hnman anfering, I
will send free of charge, to all who desire it, tela
recede. In German, French or English, with full
directions for preparing and using. Sent by mail
by addreaeing with Ataiun, naming this paver.
WA. Norma, 810 Powers' Moak, !Rochester, N.Y.
659—y
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1f1 0LI3uEirs.96f IlreLdway. Nen,' York.
81,191 t ,pp alo-faced'sat ai1on t
girl. l t
Ot itl
g
with a piece sit n'uedle•-1
work on the low porch
el her Mother's botiaa ;
a .handsomeyvullg man
lay etretcheil ,at her
feet. On the lawn angI
other young couple
were engaged In a
game of crcgnct, ` h.9
Hue's iris gloom light'
ed up Gracie Mufisoire
face with a halo of
beauty,' and Bernard
Norton looked at her
with undisguised ad•
U
Y /
t`a�h,, it its not 1140'1" 11e hastened to say,
' ii3rPu look 'mot a dayy older than when. X Net
sexy .Pitt.; but -»peril tt; my boltitleaem-sett
ere wonderfully improved,"
X ant. like AY motherseople, Clarice
4
� 1
o,nswered ggiietly, "The), a.1. n eters l 0.
to S.
anti the tilliinate of Italy, where 1 rereelee l
inosk„Ri the,tiine,, was very beneficial to me.
I hope to returns in the peewee of a few
months."
They fell to talking of their travels, and
g'elouk struck before .Nortoo thought
they ' hail• been chatting twenty minutes.
4t that n?oment the hell'door clanged and
S
ape calve towards thein, 1 o arose to hie
feet, .
"Impossible 1" he said looking at his
watch. "I can hot hese been here all hour!
Rvally�-.-.•r,
What he would have said remained mi-
miration.' spoken, for Mrs. Munson and Glace'appear-
"T'here is nothing so ed in the 'doorways His' betrothed was
lovely"as, a lovely wo- very bocominglu drodeod, but eo faded that
she seemed Like the ghost of her formorself.
Three years of society had done their work.
The cheek had loot its bloom, the nose was
sharpened and the beautiful eyes lathed
luster. As elle stood beside Clarice for a
moment site seemed utterly eolipsed by her
man," he said aloud.
i'1 i t i The pale cheek of
w''" ''" 'y"�
Clarice Barton flushed
as she quickly, glancoi at. the speaker. It
was the third time within the hour that he
had referred to her cousin Grace's beauty. once plain cousin,
le indeed lovely, she said I
would give my life to be as'beautiful." Tho meeting of the lovers was constrailn•
"And I would give half of my fortune to ed, and Bernard took bis departure, premia -
have you so." I ing to call next day, which he did. Grace
No sooner everi' the words uttered than informed him that he must wait patiently
Norton would Iva given much to recall
them; but he ad spoken unthinkingly.
Clarice shrank as though she had been
strut t, arose quickly, and went into the "But you and Clarice can console each
hous'. ea . other," she said. "It will be pleasant to
"IS ani in a pretty fix now I" Norton compare. notes of travel"
inuttrered, as he arose and walked across Bernard was not slow to avail lritnself of
the lawn. "That was a nice speech for a this opportunity, and for two bright, brief
fellow to make to the girl he expects to weeks he walked, talked, drove anti ehatted
• marry ! And Clarice is as proud as Luoi- with the charming woman whom he had
fer, too—high-strung as she is plain, and once slighted. What a blind fool he had
that is saying a great deal, by Jove ! I been! It was Clarice he loved—Clarice he
never noticed her lack of beauty so much had always loved. She was the boy's fancy
before Grace carne. A. pity one can't find and the man's ideal. It was this cultured,
all things combined in one woman ! Wonder interesting woman who suited him, and not
if I ought to apologize! Oh, well, I'm going the faded, frivolous Grace. He grew mad
away in ten days, and she'll forgive and with pain and rage as he realized his
forgets Absence makes the heart softer." position. -
And with this consoling thought he strolled He walked into the parlor one afternoon
on to join Grace Munson, whose companion where Clarice was playing softly.
was just taking his leave. "Do not let ine disturb you," he said, as
Grace was like a delicate flower sparkling she half rose from the piano. "I am in a
with the dew of morning. She had soft mood to have my savage?soulsoothed by
blue eyes, and exquisite complexion, and music. Are the ladies out
g :hien hair. Altogether she modes picture "I think,so," answered Clarice. "I have
o rare beauty, and it was no...wouder that just returned from my walk and have not
Bernard Norton found pleasure in merely seen them."
koking at her. She played on softly, her dark, dreamy
That evening Clarice did not appear in eyes fixed on ifpace. Bernard looked at her
the drawing -room, and Norton was free to with . a brooding passion. Suddenly he
devote himself to her lovely cousin. Mrs. crossed over to where slid sat.
Barton observed his conduct with dis• "Clarice," he cried, my own Clarice, I
pleasure ; from the first she had not ap. .can not be longer silent ! I love you -1
proved of her daughter's suitor,, and have always loved you. Years ago you cast
wondered what attraction the careless, me off for a foolish whim and I tried to
frivolous young man held for her sensible content myself by forming other ties. I
Clayrice. know now that I have.never forgotten you.
Next morning a note was handed Norton. Clarice, take rise back again 1"
Its, contents filled him with mingled annoy- His voice was trembling with, emotion ;
auce and relief. but she stood coldly regarding hint, and her
"When you receive thin," Clarice wrote, voice was very hard as she said : "Mr.
"I shall have gone to my aunt for a time. Norton. I can not excuse this behavior. I
You do not love ms, Bernard, and it is beet loved you onee very dearly, but you made
for our engagement to end. Be happy in me ashamed of that love and I cast it, out,
your own way and be very sure I shall be I have for three years thought of you as my
for two more weeks before he could see
her often, as she had engagements for every
hour,
STEEL PBS.
k` RE -_THE BEST.
,j;Etitablished 1860. FOR Works, ENGLAND.
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in mine."
That was all. Bernard's self-esteem was
seriously wounded by the epletle. But he
consoled himself with the thought that he
was now free to woo the charming Grace,
and at the end of the month made a formal
avowal of love to her.
"I have loved you ever since we met;" he
said. "Clarice aaw this and generously set
me. .free." And Grace, who had became
very much enamored of 'her handsome
suitor, gave him the answer he craved.
Two weeks later Mrs, Barton and Clarice
were on their way to Europe, and Bernard
was trying' to submit to the stern decree of
(Grace's father.
"Yes, sir, you can marry my daughter,"
Mrs Isfursen-lied weer-`4if-you-•lerve-her veli-.
enough to wait three years. I am opposed
to early marriages. No girl is fit for
wedlock till she is 2t*and 25 le still bet-
ter." \\
It occurred to Bernard that lie pas likely
to spend the greater part of his youth in
the capacity of an "engaged man," Seed he
did •not improve in humor thereby.
Grace was an acknowledged belle, and
for a time he was' pleased at her suebess.
But there was a secret bitterness underly
ing his pleasure, for be saw little of his be-
trothed, except
e-tsrothed,except in society's whirpool. There
would be no change in this state of affairs
until their time of probation enc:epi. and
feeling in a false position, he concluded to
spend the remaining year in travel.
When he bade Grace good-bye he was
struck with the fact that she looked much
older then she did at the time of their en-
gagement. Two years of dissipation had
left theiarmat•k upon her delicate beauty.
"Be careful, Grace," he said. "Kee
some of your roses for me until I claim you."
He said nothing of her fidelity; he was
only afraid she might lose the beauty he
worshiped,
Grace wase sorry to lose her lover; she felt
desolate for a whale day, and cried herself
to sleep the flaws night. But Bernard wrote
her charming letters of travel, and shesoon
forgot her grief, She sent him in return
the briefest of notes, for the charming
Grace did not excel as a correspondent.
But one glance of the porcelain picture he
carried consoled biro for that.
"A fellow can ernhtre weak, insipid Tot-
ters," he thought; "better than the sight of
a plain faee across' his' table three times a
day." -
Bernard loitered' here and there, there
made his way sieeely back. He was in ire
haste to reach Ci'tijeago' until a few weeks be'
fore the time a poiitt4d for his marriage,.
which was to take piked iii early autunm.
One morning in July ber':6ng the bell of the
Munson mansion and sui,'t up his card to
the ladies. There was a Seep' on the stair,
the trail of a garment, anti' a woman
entered—a woman of medimee hti g1it, with
a beautiful rounded figure wised a face of
dazzling brilliancy. She apprnadl,ed Ber-
nard and cordially extended her hatidt
"1 came down to make your weldemer a
little less inhospitable, Mr: Nortelle' she
said.
"My aunt and cousin aro, unfortureek y"1
:at a concert; they were not aware of feet'
return: Yon are quite well ? I do not WI
1 yore sib'nWUch changed as I expected."
Re looked at the charming speaker
r'ttlth'
*cinder.
'1'i'beg' itardon—I--I—" bo began.
Het' fired Was a ripple of smiles as she re-
garded lfttn;.w'aiting for him to proceed.
"Is it pdasiblo I am so changed that you
do not know rhe? Have three years aged
Clarice Bartori'so much ?"
For the first tittle in his lifeBernardNor-
ton lost his coneposure. Ile sank into a
chair with an ejaculation of wonder.
"Clarice Barton j°" he cried. "Why. it
does not seem possible'( When did you re-
tnrn ?"
"Nearly two month§ergo," Miss Barton
replied with her well -hired composure as
she gracefully seated herself. "My dear
mother died in Rome last winter ; Europe
was unendurable after that, •so• I came back
to America."
"But you are so changed !'1 Bernard mur-
mured, after expressing regrbt at her loss.
Miss Barton smi'ed sadly.
"The years change us all,"she-saidr"they
;save their mark."
cousin's betrothed, almost her husband, and
you insult both; her and me by your con-
duct. I suppose, you knew that I was to
be married as soon as my term of mourning
expires. Allow to me to pass,"
She swept by him like a queen. The al.
cove curtains parted and Grace stood before
him.
"I have heard all," she said, "Go and
neer let me see your face again Tr'
She dropped the shining solitaifo which
she had worn so long into his hand, and
pointed toward the door. With haw-
ed head he left her presence and Went
down the marble steps for the last
time. He had played for each in turn and
lost Seth.
ROIINDED UP 'AT LAST.
esateSesse s"''
Hint.' a had u pistgl; . ifl .b141$04,14 the
tituox
but she didn't soeln to keor, ,She got
plan around the Waist and'irlppod'hint up,
and. it was! all done so quick nobody could
:gel the bang of it, Ohs wsi>Ir \just .fi hying
mad and wanted to scratch and al bier!
d it It
but wlielx he went dowel wo all saw the
chance and lit on to m. Ile• fired twice,
but didn't hurt anybody, and by' that time
W41)4)4) .ago, Ile's over in the .neniten'
,tiers. sit, and it's .ail owing to that old
maid.
"It,was funisy. • We loaded him inside,
bound baud sett foot, and site tongue wal•
loped him fur thirteen long miles, Harry,
was a tuft'' one, taut he afterward told ole
he'd rather got five years, extra than to
hoe bia obliged to hear her ge on. She
ha a bible with her and she put in the
last two miles roadie' a ohapter of it to
him.
"The; rewards offered on him piled up
about $1,000, and she got the money and
$200 on top of it as a preaent from the
company. Lands 1 but didn't Harry feel
broke up and ashamed I Ho stood off
the, sheriff half a dozen times, and to be
captur'd by a woman—and an old maid at
that—jest broke his speerits down till he
was humble as a rabbit.
"Jest about a year,arter Harry Blos-
som's captur," continued the driver, as I
asked him for further incidents, "I went
out of Austin with only one passenger and
she was a schoolma'am. She was a teacher
over in Eureka and wasn't over 20 years
old. I kin remember that she was short
and small and had black eyes. Thar' wasn't
much money pasain' between the two
towns and that lino had never bin interfer-
ed with.
"Howsoever, tear' is allus a fust time,
and it cunt to me about five utiles out of
Eureka. The horses war' joggin' along as
contented as you please, and I was holding
the lines and thinkin' of the gal I've been
harnessed to since, when I gats a sudden
lift. A cuss who didn't know• beans• about
the bizneas had taken it into his noddle to
turn road agent, and this was his first hold-
up. Instead of steppin' out like a gentle-
man and givin' me a chance to hold up -in
decent fashion, he puts a bullet into this
right shoulder afore he shows hisself, and
then begins to whoop and dance up and
down the road. The bosses was fur runnin'
away but I finally got 'em pulled down
and waited fur the darned idiot to cum up.
He was white about the gills and a good
deal more skeert than I was till I told him
I had only one passenger and that a gal.
Then he begins to brace up and let on he's
a terror from way -back. No respectable
robber would hey thought of pinnderin' a
woman, bat thee cues was low down and
probably hard u r. Ile walked up to the
door, a gun in each hand, and ordered her
to step down."
"And you couldn't interfere?"
"I wasn't heeled with a shooter, and
bein' as he had put a ball into me and I was
bleedin' like a stuck pig,and hevin' trub-
ble with the hossee I did't want any more
bizness on hand jest then. I knowed he'd
skeer the girl half to death and wouldn't
get over $5 in•cash, but I couldn't help it.
He had iris' hand on the door to open it
when she fired a pistol in his face. She
had one, it turned out, and she had the
pluck to pull the trigger, but it war a great
surprise to me when I heard the report
and the yell which follered. The bullet hit
the feller in the aide of the nose, about half
way up, and the pistol was held so cies
that his eyes was blowed full of powder.-
THREW
owder.THREW HERSELF AWAY ON AN EDITOR.
"He dropped his guns and staggered
back with his hands, to his face, and that
little gal leaned out of the winder and says
to me as sweet as pie: -
"'Driver, will you have the kindness to
drive on?'
"I had that very kindness, you bet yer
life, tur I didn't know how bad the feller
was hurt and I didn't *alit any more of his
lead. I run the horses Trite Eurekaand thea
gal hopped'out of the coach and kissed her
mother asoli p ep a as seri y`lea•�: �ieelaan-
ed to find her all upswfpth hysterics, but
she wasn't that sort. She says to Me, says
she:
Up a , loriv hill the horses were slowly "'Driver, I guess you and the sheriff kin
toiling. "Speaking of road agents," said gobble that chap if you'll -hurry back, fur 1
the old stage diver, "I've had my fair sheer know the powder blinded him.'
of holdups and 14on't hanker urter any more. I "Sirs of us drove back Char in the coach.
How many ? \»'all, I couldn't fist give ye The feller's two gunsswas lyin' in the road
the exact figgers; but ten wouldn't be fur whar' he dropped 'ens, and we -found him
out of the way." i in the bush a few rods off. He wasn't
",And were you atter wounded in any of built for no road agent. • He was whimp-
the holdups ?" asked'. a• New York Herald, erin' like a boy, and as soon as he heard us
man. 1 he began haggle' that *e wouldn't hurt
"Three different tin's!§•,, sf' . Some folks him. He's in state prison, too, and I saw
aced to purtend to believe' that drivers and him only a week ago. He didn't quite lose
road agents stood' in together and whacked his sight, but he can't only jest tell the dif-
U'p'r but they war idiots ear talking sich ferenco between a king and a jack in broad
nosh, The best proof of .they fact that it daylight"
Weatr't so lay in the killin' of three different "And what became of ,the girl ?"
drivers on this very line inside of six months. "The gal? Oh, she got married in about
.burin' that same time we got away with a year, of course. Jest went and threw
two emblems. People who ar' whackin' up, herself away on a feller as didn't know
as they call it, don't slam -bans bullets and plums. I was never more disappointed in
buckshot 'into each other at clus range, do my life than I was when I heard of it,
they ?" Why, if I'd seen him among a drove of jack
"Well, hardly. You've had women a- rabbits I wouldn't have wasted load on
board whet nt.
you've been stopped, I pre- hi"
mune?" "Ranchman, was ho?"and"Sartin, athen thar was fun. I was ( "Ranchman Is Darn it, no ! He was
laughin' to myself only yesterday•about the what they calls an editor, and the gal's
case we used tocall '1 he Old Maid's Round- mother Pike to hev cried herself to death
up.' It was a durned funny thing. I'll over it 1"
pint out the place, a dozen miles ahead, as
we cum to it. 1 had three men and a wo-
man as passengers- and all were inside. I woman hadn't seen the and couldn't tell
what she looked lite; but it turned out that
she was a single min ter about 40 years old.
She had red hails' anti sharp nose and "she
could talk a wheel off a coach in five min.
utcs. Mebbe she'd bin disappointed in
love, aa they call! it. I've heard that that
sort o' turns a wloipran's feelin's into pepper
and vinegar. She got into a fuss with the
men about their bmokin' almost as soon as
we started, and every font : minutes I heard tt
hes pipin' away and matin' ,kick about
gomeShin' or other. It jest Meese h r fab to
know she wasn't harnessed up to tile,
"We'd just climbed the bill and it i'fd g
o'clock in the afternoon when the robhod
they used to call 'Harry Blossom' steps
out from behind a rock and levels his gun
on a line with my face. I stops right then
and thar. Harry oda to me not to make
a fool of myself while he was busy and
steps along to the door and orders the
passengers to get dovrn and view the
scetrsey. Ho was a gentleman, Harry was,
linty Mighty gallant to the ladies. .The old
] Maid, herd travelled muff to know what a
lteldkr'p was and at fust alio refused to git
deNeek• S'he sot richt that em the back
seat' and- walloped that chap with her
tongrl?S'till he didn't know whether he was
c1f
a -foot ""oii horseback. Jetnimy ! but you
orter hevHbat'd' her call him villain, ras-
cal, wretidh;• skunk, coward, Injun and a
hundred ether Mimes 1 I was consarned
over the robbedf•of course, but I had to
laugh or burg!' "And'she wb0iMii�'tiget down'?" 1' asked.
"She did arterr a bit. He wasn't going
to rob her, fur hie' wasn't that kind of a
greaser, but he figgiiretl that the risen had
passed her their wank' as' was' often the
case. The three feileria were like lambs,
but I did'nt blame 'err any. A. man who
plays fool when there's' a' shot -gun• and a
road agent lookin' at hiian never gets any
sympathy. She finally got down, (did I
could see she was bilin over with'madness.
Harry got 'em in a row and was calling fur
their wealth when the old maid yelled out
like a ca'. pinohid in a door and• grabbed'
A Piece of Advice.
In our sleeper was an old man who was
going to Buffalo. He looked feeble and ill,
and he had a bad cough. About the time
we were ready to go to sleep his cough
grew worse, and after a bit one man in
particular began to kick. He called to the
conductor and the porter, and made more
fuss than the man with the cough. He got
up and went to bed again, • and got np a
second time, and it was two o'clock in the
morning before any of us got to sleep.
Nlr}ien we turned out in the morning the
kicker was still kicking.
"Look hero, porter," he said to that
official, "has that old chap with the cough
got off yet ?
"No, sales"
"Where•is he?"
Clbtlr dar, sae. He hain't dun got up
sit;'
"We); w'hetl lief does I want to give him
a piece of if'd'vt'Ce."
"Yes, stele"
Fifteen' eilnlit"ais' later, d9 Elle kicker was
on Ina way Seethe' dining car, he stopped at
the old man'it'lieetlr; :end said :
"Come, old eitsif;•its time to get up and
cough 1"
Receiving.no afltv11d', he parted the cur-
tains and looked lad; slid' next instant fell
into a seat across the a'MMlo: Wo went ter
see what was the mattrlt'aild found the old
man dead and cold. witty ht'W hands locked
across his breast. He had'' boon' dead for
two or three hours,
"Haye you any advice to edb1l him?" ono
of the men queried of the kickkr, who sat'
pale and trembling.
At that moment the train camet&'a halt
at a station, and the kicker grabbed'for his'
grip and disappeared from the train w'itho6rit'
a word in reply.
A $VRPRl$it IN PANiA9A4 .
Col, Chtidsiteintes Ula JRa,1• erieness of
xe►re Ito the I)eetho nl•it
A et4ry by Q01, Childs will lilttsttate the
ex.Mini.stel''s versatility. Al was over in
Canada several years, +.►go,.•" he said, "and
for: ontl whisky and brafltl at ,low rioe
T
waant to say that the Dominion takes the
rMiise,ssourIian$ wasonine fiWiatndsor, tiwwithithone of di, a partyeotmed
I. strolled about looking at cbo town. 1 u.
coming somewhat worn, we began to east
about for a' place whereat to buy soma
branily, We came upon it very seen, I
told the man in charge to fix up two good
pale Hennessey punches. In my travels I
have tasted the dccoetines of all Janda, but
I am sure a better mixture never tickled
the palate of mon than that pale Hennessey
punch of Windsor make. I tossed a halt-
doliar in payment, and ,with a last amuck
of my lips started to go, when the barman
called ins, back.
"Don't forget your change," he said, and
with that ho Banded 40 cents to me.
"'What's this?' I asked. 'What is the
price, of these punches''
"'Five cents each,' responded tho man
behind the bar,
"1 turned squarely round again and
bringing my two fiats down hard on the
counter, I called in stentorian tones :
"'Fill 'em up again 1'
"'When we got on the street again wo
met eighteen of our Missouri frierels. I
stopped them.
"'Come in here and do as I do,' I said,
"The party followed me into the place
from which I had juat emerged With my
friend.
"'Give me a brandy punch,' I said.
"Each of the nineteen men who were
with me made the same regtteat. In five
minutes the seductive mixtures were tossed
off and my guests were wondering at my
extravagance. I threw a dollar on the bar,
at which the man behind nodded his thanks.
My friends stared at ine and one of them
asked what it all meant.
"'Hennessy brandy punches sell at 5
centa apiece in Windsor,' I said with an air
of triumph. For an instant there was not a
sound. Then my nineteen friends hit the
bar with their fists and in tones that could
be heard across the Detroit River they
shouted :
" 'Fill 'em up again!' "—Kansas City'
Times.
He Knew. It.
Teacher (who has been explaining -the
Weed epidemic)—Now, who can give ma
the name of an epidemic here in America ?
Remember it is something that spreads—
Tottilny (wildly waving his hand) -4
know: it's strawberry jam.
•
mit AND z,Bows1{4
lfl. "xlis, ,II;+
THE NEAR 9F THE FAMILY TiilE$ Hi$
TALENTS olv A rilur}(
.
esseesseseess
Ile Succeed!, in Getting the Cover 1pow>#
Atter »eapereto I:Iror'ts anal Then eeee
opwttanlee It !powit Stairs -'Ile Says the
Lbn#4 I'Ialt Dees Iteached,.
HAVla my trunk all
packed, tend I *Joh
you'd lock and strap
it," said Mrs. Bowser,
who was ready for a
journey, to her liege
lord the other evening.
• "I suppose I ought to
have failed in a man
this afternoon to do it,
but it sliped my mind
_.entirely."
"Called in a man 1"
echoed Mr. Bowser,.
sae "If it's got item that I
' can't buckle a strap
and turn a key I'd better hang up for a
sign somewhere."
"I know, dear, but last time you know
. what trouble you bad and how mad you,
got before—"
"Never had the least bit of trouble and
never got mad. If all husbands were as
even tempered and good-natured as I am
wives would have mighty little to complain
of in this world. I suppose I might a8
well bring it down, too, while I'm about it.
If I don't do it the expreeeman will bang
the house all to pieces,.'
Mr. Bowser trotted upstairs • whistling
" fhe Old Oaken Bucket," and had been
gone about a minute when he called over
the baluster :
"Mrs. Bowser, if you intend to take all
the bureaus, bedsteads, mattresses and
springs you've forgotten some fff them 1"
"What do you mean?"
"Just like a woman. ! You've gone and
packed and jammed and filled in till no
forty men could lock this trunk 1"
"Why, dear, the trunk isn't hardly hall
full ! 1 amu only going to stay a week, you
know, and so 1 took only what 1 might need
for the few days."
The cover wouldn't shut within four
inches. Mr. Bowser seized one handle and
hefted it. 't1
"The critter weighs 20,000 pounds if it
weighs an ounce 1" he muttered as he
let it down. "It can't bluff me though.
I'll get it down if the roof comes with me ?
My weight ought to bring that cover
down."
He sat down on the cover and bobbed up
and down. It was almost a go but not
quite. Then he got on his hands and knees
and bobbed and sagged, and the hasp was
sliding into the slot when Mr. Bowser gave
an extra bob and lost iris hold.
"Mr. Bowser, what on earth are you try-
ing to do?" shouted Mrs. Bowser from the
foot of the stairs as the gas fixtures ceased
shaking and the walls finally quit trem-
bling.
"Who's locking this infernal old trunk?"
he fiercely demanded as he gathered himself
u She made no answer, and'by a carefully
selected flank movement, added by his 220
pounds of avoirdupois, he jammed the hasp
t place with such sudden vigor that the
shingles on the roof lifted up and fell back
again. The key was in the lock, but it re-
fused to turn. He tried it half a dozen
times, but it was no go, and he had just
hawled off to kick the whole west side of
the outfit in when Mrs. Bowser appeared to
inquire :
'Ah, you have get the cover down ; but
have you locked it yet?"
"It can't be locked. You've probably got
the key of the barn door in the lock. See
that 1"
Bat you..are..turning-the key.. the_wronge.
way, Mr. Bowser."
Iia. 'am I ? If I've lived to be forty-
three years old and don't know how to
turn a trunk key I want to be hit on
the head with a tannery ! I say it won't
lock 1"
She turned the key and locked it with a
click. He was about to take his solemn
oath that it wasn't locked when she got
down a leather strap and said :
"Here—let me show you ho'w to strap a
trunk. Lift up that end."
"Who's bossing this job?" he asked in a
hoarse whisper. "I came up hero to break
my shins, pull my lungs out and completely
wreck my darned old anatomy on this in-
fernal trunk, and I don't want any of your
+
help . r
When she had gene he got the strap
under the trunk. Then he calmly put ono
end through the buckle, braced both knees
against the trunk and sagged back. He
meant to cut the trunk right in two, but
his hands slipped and the back of his head
hit one of the posts of the bed before it did
the carpet. He was seeing stars and pin-
wheeliand skyrockets by the million when .
Mrs. Bowser called :
" Do yon know you are knocking all the -
plaster off the parlor ceiling ? If you can't
strap that trunk 111 come up and do it -my-
self 1"
"Strap ! Strap 1" he muttered as the
skyrockets ceased shooting and • he sat
up. "Why, I'll strap the durned thing
up so tight that .it will take a yoke of
oxen to loosen it 1 Gimme hold of that end
agHe got it and pulled till his tone's,
ran out and his eyes grew ea large as deli
Lars, and when the tongue of the buckle
found a hole he had gained an inch
over the old one. He fondly fignred..that
h^ had lifted cue side of tet house at least
fo"t, and his face wore a grin art'
;41ra,-liowser came part way up stairs and
queried.:
"Do yon think you can get it down with-
out help ?"
His Wife's Letter.
"I wish you would mail this letter as
you go down town. Jim;" said. Mrm. Bloo-
bumper to her husband as he rose from the
breakfast table. "I am very anxious for
mamma to get it early to -morrow."
"All right," replied Bloobumper.
He put it in his pocket with this mental
observation: .
"I should not be surprised if I forgot to
mail this. Mary has been talking for a
week about inviting her mother to come
down for a :north's v isle, but I don't know
that I am anxious to aid in forwarding the
invitation, seeing that I would rather the
old lady remained away."
"Did/you mail that letter I gave you this
morning?" asked Mrs. Bloobumper, when
her husband came home that night.
"Certainly," replied the unblushing pre
va'ricator.
When he returned home an evening later
his wife confronted him.
"You told me last night you had mailed
that letter to mamma."
"Well ?"
"Well, you didn't."
"Oh, lyes, I—"
"Dont tell me anymoreof youruntruths.
If yon had mailed that lettet mammawould
not be in this house now."
"Here now ?"
"Yes, here now."
"Why, I thought it was an invitation to
her to come and stay a month. You know
you were talking of inviting her."
"Ex ectly.,.nnd.I-did..invite. .her._- Lmailed_
that letter myself. The one I asked you
to mail was one requesting her to postpone
her visit, and if you had done as I asked
you she would have received it before it
was time for her to leave home. Now comp
in and tell her she's welcome, and that
you can't think bf letting her leave under
six weeks."
And so Bloombumper went in.—Harpor'a
Bazar.
At a Trifling Expense,
"This talk about the expense of a Euro-
pean trip is absurd," said the returned
tourist. "If a man knows how to travel
comfortably without being extravagant lie
can make a short tour of Europe for less
money than it would cost him to go to the
seashore. Now, before I atarted, I figured
the matter out and found that I could bo
gone five or six weeks for something like
$250."
"Any man can do that."
"You can prove it by the guide books,
can't you?"
"Of course. How much did your trip
cost you ?"
"Myvtrip?"
"Yes;, your trip,"
"0, well, I didn't exactly -stick to the
programme, you know. I suppose it cost
me $900 to $1,000. But I can show you
how—"
"Of course, of course. Anyone can do
that."—Detroit Free Press.
Mrs. Mulligan—And here, sir, ie all the
letters for y6r that I opened and didn't
think important enough to send you.
The Crashed Lady.
The boarder of a Lafayette avenue feed-
erjf' was going to marry a lady of uncertain
nee. and his landlady didn't want ti lose
hili, as' he bad been her standby for a good
Any' years.
"Are you really going to marry Mise
Windsor?" slue. inquired of him very so-
licitously at breakfast the other morning.
"I guess I am'," he admitted as he jabbed
his fork into•bhe wing of a fowl by a mas-
ter stroke.
Well, I can't rtriderstand why you take
ler,'' continued'bhe landlady. "She is no
spring chicken, T can tell" your."
The boarder hadlthe wing poised before
him and was mulching a mouthful from it.
"No, I suppose not," he said slowly,
"she's altogether too -young for that," and
the.landle.dy was.cxtiished'ferever.•
"If I can't I'll ring up the fire depart-
ment," he growled in reply.
"Well, be careful. Iiow do you exept to
get a trunk down that way ? It will surely
get away from you !"
" Mrs. Bowser, ;I was getting trunks
down steins before you were born ! When
anything on the face of this earth gets
away from the undersigned he'll notify you
by tel—"
He was following the trunk as it slid froth
step to step: Just in the middle ot the
stairs lie made a slip, let go, and the trunk
went end over end down into the hall. Mr.
Bowser also went end over end after it.
The last he remembered was a feeling of
floating in the air, When he came to he
was laid out on his back, and there was a
taste of gin in his mouth and a strong smell
of camphor, in the air.
"I'm so sorry—so sorry 1" sighed Mrs.
Bowser. "Do you feel better, dear 1"
After several efforts, in which he refused
her aid, he reached his feet and made his
way to the library door. As he stood a mo-
ment she asked if she should send for the
doctor.
"No, ma'am 1" he whispered as he waved
her back. "When my lawyer calls admit
him ! Later on, when your lawyer calls,
bring him to the library ! When your sig-
nature is needed I will notify you 1 This ra
the fortieth attempt to murder me in my
own house within n year, and the limit has
been reached 1 Admit the lawyers, Mrs.
Boiv`'k`et'• ; admit the lawyers 1"