The Huron News-Record, 1891-04-29, Page 7The Buren News -Record
4140 s Year-eaVit• in ,Ativynee
V ►'elltt41 iYa ALIN TOLL *8 91
J31111,,Vt IN T.I1 SCHOOLS,
.SI;jR140;`I lite Tau REV. ROBERT MO-
31?TTR'0 DEbId Ni)INt3 POO IT
?Ill BliFeAt)ED THERE.
' b.e Rev Robert NloIutyre preach-
-ad at, Grace Methodist Episcopal
'Ohurobt Chicago, to a large con-
eziregaiiion. His sermon was ou
'the Bible in the school*. The text
weer :
Faitl} cometh by hearingo and
hearing by the word of GOd.—
_Ronv ns x., 17.
?ir. McIntyre said that as i.lartiu
tether was climbing u elairway is
•Route oil hie knees, cluing Ilen-ut0",
is thought of the verse, "The just
s„„}fall live by faith.” The meek
elrote a free ,nun. Faith ie the
easepce of C!a'istiauity, and it comes
tlt.ra'Iglt heatites the word. Luther
got his faith from it chained Bible.
The unohcaiued Bible is what has
*made the United States the foremost
sof the uatiolis. During the last
tfew yeses, iu some of our towns and
cities, there have been a few politic -
lane who have united with a few
infidels in banishing this book front
the public schools.
•"But who wants the Bible out of
/the public schools? Tho women
don't want it out. Go to those
.countries the world over where
'heathenism prevails, and woman is
-a drudge or a plaything. The
Bible has elevated her to a position
of respect and has given her a place
of honor and power. The children
do not want it Out of the schools,
for there is uothiug more touching
in the whole realm of literature
than Christ's words : "Suffer lit•
tee children to Conte unto tee, and
forbid them not, fur of such is the
kingdom of 1-Ieaven." In heathen
nations children are considered a.
burden and a curse, and in sotne
.countries it is even considered no
crime to put then to death.*
its band uullindly on the little red ,
school hone, we will run the stare
and stripes to the, prxle above iia
and will defend it beneath thatban-
ner," slid the preacher, and the Elu'
dienoe applauded him vigorously.
Ln conclusion, the Bible wes Deoese-
ary iu the public acbi otrl, because
it was the only medium for the in-
culcation of a higher and spiritual
knowledge, and a morality necessary
to the•preservatien of society.
The cougregation was enthusiastic
in its ito'•ptiou of the sermon
"rite musicians do not want to
banish the Bible. Handel, Hayden,
Mozart, Mendelsaohn, gained frau]
it their greatest inspiratiou. The
oratorio of the "Creation," one of
the subliulest of musical composi-
tions, is but a laint echo of the
beauty of that sublime nook. The
poets do not want the Bible
banished, fur the sweetest and
tenderest strains of \1rhi:ties' and
Longfellow were inspired by it.
Milton and Dante drew from it theit
•subliulest conceptions. Take the
Bible away from the pi e's and their
works would not be worth reading
The painters want the Bible; fur
the . grandest toasters, Michael
Angelo, Raphael, and the otburs
whose immortal frescoes are still
the noblest works for the students
of art to -clay to study, painted their
pictures from Bil 1 cal subjects. All
civilization demands the Bible,
except a few sectarians and a few
infidels.
At about the same time two re-
publics were boru—the American
and the French. When Emilia
Castelar—thou whom there is no
;greater statesman except Gladstone
—was asked as to the cause that
gave permanency to the one and
.caused the downfall of the eiher, he
replied that the French republic
.was fouuded on philosophy, with the
:goddess of reason as ite divinity,
while the American Republic was
,founded on the word of God itself.
The statesmen of this country—
Washington, who was our George
• L.—almost all of them insisted on
the importance of religion and
Morality and knowledge as the safe-
guards of the Republic. Daniel
Webster, Benjamin Franklin, Rufus
Choate, Chief Justice Story, Chief
Justice Kent, all left their testimony
clearly and etuphatically for the
Bible as the foundation of good
citizenship. Objectors say "let the
children learn the Bible at home."
The objection to this is that there is
:a large class of children whose
parents themselves do not read the
Bible. The only hnpe for these
children is that they shall read the
Bible in the puhiic schools, and it
is the State's duty to see that they
do read it there. His own early
recollection of h:tariug the Bible iu
,•a public school, were most vivid.
PROMOTES
DIGESTION.
CURES DYSPEPSIA.
CURES DYSPEPSIA.
CURES DYSPEPSIA.
Mr. Neil McNeil, of Leith,
Ont., 'writes:
DEAn Bute, For years and
years I suffered from dyspepsia
in its worst forms, and after
trying all means in my power
to no purpose I was persuadepl
by friends to try R.B.B., which
I did, and after using 5 bottles
I was completely oared.
ACTS
ON THE
BOWELS,
Cures CONSTIPATION
Cures CONSTIPATION
Cures CONSTIPATION
Rapid Reoovery
DEAR l3rns; I have tried
your B.B,B. with greatsuocess
for constipation and pain in
my head. The second dose
made me ever so much better.
My bowels now move freely
and the pain in my head has
left me, and to everybody with
the same disease I recommend
B. B. B.
Mass F. WILLIAMs,
445 Bloor St., Toronto.
REGULATES
THE
LIVER.
Cures BILIOUSNESS.
Cures BILIOUSNESS.
Cures BILIOUSNESS
Direct Proof.
Sias, -I was troubled forflve
years with Liver Complaint.
I used a great deal of luodicine
which did me no good, and I
was getting worse all the time
until I tried Burdock Blood
Bitters. After taking four
bottles I a,n now well. I can
also recommend it for the cure
of Dyspepsia.
lylaztx A.Haw stone,'Ont.
REGULATES
THE
KIDNEYS.
Cures HEADACHE.
Cures HEADACHE
Cures HEADACHE.
was �'orepatlglt's hone, belt wa latde
131.1t1\1131: A �V�1 ' for hon, We knew thatt bis whit* .elephant
watt painted, a,ad we sent over to London for
OM/ two boy* woo bled done the. job. Our
HIE: KEEN APPRECIATION QF HUMOR agent got thew andelrippeci theta over. hill
Durand, another of Barnum's agents, and
EVEN WHIL ,DVINI;;. myself went down from New York in a tug-
boat and took tate boys off on their eerie+ l
• ea that Forpaugh's men couldn't get hold of
theme. We disguised them and took theel to
Philadelphia. They were about 10 or 17
years old, sad made up liras class as a couo,-
try boy and girt In dais dlsgulse they pur-
chased their tickets and went into the tent
where the so-called white elephant was. The
first chance they got when nobody was look-
ing they called 'Tiny' (that was the name of
the elephant), and it recognized thein and
struggled to reach them. We took the boys
right before a notary public and they both
made affidavit to having painted 'Tiny' with
two coats, of paint over in London. The next
clay we published the whole thing in the
paper's and it made a great sensation.
"`Then Forepaugh's men trumped up some
horse doctor who certified that he had scien-
tifically examiued the elepltaut and that it
was a genuine one and not painted. We put
detectives on his track, and we soon found
that he was not a doctor and that his only
diploma was one of those bogus Buchanan
affairs that he paid $25 for. We let this fly
at the Forepaugh people.
" The white elephant business fell through
after a while, however. Forepaugh took his
out West and it was finally laughed and
guyed at so that he took it out of his show.
Bar'uuru left his at his headquarters in
Bridgeport the next year and never ran it
on the road again. I think it was burned in
the big fire at Barnum's quarters some years
ago. Barnum's elephant was cream colored,
but it was as white as any elephant ever i,1.
It was a genuine sacred whits elephant from
Siam. Forepaugh's was a good deal whiter,
but them was uo doubt but that his was
painted." -New Haven Register.
The Peacock Joke He Ducie on His Death-
bed -The Celebrated Razor Joko�A
AL Vroalpt Cure.
DEAR tarns, -I was very bad
with headache and pain an my
back; my hands and feet
swelled so I could do no work.
My sister-in-law advised me to
try B. B. B. With one bottle
I felt so much better that I
got one more. I am now well,
and can work as well as ever.
Adrian BttnoEes,
Tilsonburg, Ont.
In reply to the objection that it
-vas not just to tax people who did
not believe in the Bible for the sup-
port of schools where it should be
read, he replied that this country
was governed by a majority of its
citzene, and this majority had a
right to demand and did demand
what was essential to good cizen-
Ch
1 t1'
s
hi .
If
the R0
roiah Church p
want-
ed to direct the education of this
country it would he well to look at
some specimens of its work. Com-
pare Mexico and Massachnsette;
Mexico had a richer soil, a finer
climate, more mineral wealth. The
priest, with the chained Bible in
his hand came to Mexico 100 years
before Nassachus'etts was settled.
The Pilgrim Fathers come with a
free Bible in their hands. Then he
contrasted the condition of the two
countries to -day. In the same way
he compared Prussia apd Austria
.4:fA;-.Ie.-r,,snd= seot'land'autl'Irelan <3:. - -
"If any church attempts to place
PURIFIES
THE
BLOOD.
Cures BAD BLOOD.
Cures BAD BLOOD.
Cures BAD BLOOD.
]Plait Stery with Lege -Tete Prince of
Showmen and the White Elephants.
The late P. T, Barman's jokes found their
way into print with un
failing regularity, but
there are still a few
recent ones which have
not been published. One
of th@ir chief claims to
public cousidorution is
that they were made
while he was on his death
P. T. BARNUM, bed, The old sbowman's
curly white hair, his large round face and
his tine Connecticut twang lent an irresisti-
ble charm to Ws jokes and stories.
About six days before he died he summon-
ed his lawyer to the side of the couch where
he was lying.
"I am very much worried," he said,
"about a certain matter, and 1 want to con-
sult you. My neighbor keeps peacocks.
Now, suppose some of them should fly over
into my yard -which they are doing all the
tinea -and lay some eggs here. Would those
eggs belong to we, or could my neighbor
cernpul ale 10 give them up?"
The lawyer having duly scratched his
head, answered: "Well, Mr. Barnum, I
must take time to look into this matter.
Bat the best thing for you to do would be to
keep the eggs and let your neighbor sue for
their possession. In that way your rights
would be determined and we should have a
very valuable test case."
"Well," said Barnum, "while you are look-
ing into the ,natter will you fled out how it
would bo if the eggs'f56re laid by peahens?"
The lawyer swore softly to himself, but
never Meade any investigation.
ti RIST:aAS AND NEW YEAR'S reesg NTS.
Barnum had been accustomed for many
year:; to make Christmas proseuts of 1100
apiece to Frank Hyatt, the superimteudeft of
the winter quarters at Bridgeport, and L.
M. Hedges, his assistant.
This time he repeated the presents at New
Year's. The benefited (sues did not sleet
Mr. Iiaruuie uutil about a week after this.
Then they thanked him impressively.
"Mr. Barnum," they said, "it was very
Saud ui you to send us a present of $100 at
New Years as well as at Christmas.
"What! What! Did I send you two checks.
That was a mistake- Sciel 'ern base:, send
'cul hack at once!" he exclaimed and hurri-
ed away.
Both men had large families and bad
spent the motley as soon as they got it. They
had hard work to scrape the money toge-
ther, but they did sum
TILE URIIAT RAZOR JOKE.
It may be that these are hardly worthy of
the hero of the great shaving episode. They
took place dm•iug his mortal illness. •
The shaving episode was this.. Barnum
was bringing a lot of Couuocticut de'tcons
and such like persons up to Now York iu
his yacht one Sunday moruiug. They wore
ail in need of shaving.
It was found that the only man in the party
who had a razor was Barmen. Ho agreed to
lend it on condition that each should shave
one -halt of his face first, and then pass the
razor on. The razor was to be passed
around a second time, when they could all
shave themselves completely,
This would ensure fairness and an equal
division of the use of the razor. Barnum
began by shaving halt Ms face. He gave
the razor to the others, who used it in ac-
cordance with the agreement. When it
Bad Blood may arise from
wrong action of the Stomach,
Liver, Kidneys and Bowels.
B. B. B., by regulating and
toning these organs, removes
the cause and makes new rich
blood, removing all blood
diseases from a pimple to a
scrofulous sore.
Cures lCur„e, Cute. Piles lu their waist
form, Swellin;9, Eevsipolas, Itaflantma
floss, Frost Mites, Cltappcd Hands a„d
all Skin Diseases.
Hirst PAIN EXTERMINATOR
—001(88—
Lumbago, Sciaticas, Rheumatism, Nen.
ralgla Toothache, Pains In
every form.
By all dealer.,. Wholesale by F. F. Dalley 3f Co
HUMPHIREY6'
Da Da. How irn� rsclFice are scientifically and
carefully prepared prescriptions ; used for many
years yyla private practice with succcss,and forever
sills isya special dby cue for the diseeeo named.
Specifics cure without drugging, purg-
Ing or reducing the system, and are In tact and
deedthesovereigu remediesoftheWorld.
cunlra. riucits.
LIST OF PRllrr.rn.. nv
1 Fevers, Congestion, Inflammation... 2
2 Worms, Worts Foyer, Worm Colic.. 2
Cryintr Colic, or Teething 01 Infanta t
Diarrhea, of Children or Adults.... 25
Dysentery,Griping Bilious Colic.... 2
6 Cholera elorbne,'Vomiting 2
Coughs, Cold Bronchitis 2
111eural1a, Toothache, Faceache2
Headaches, Sick Headache, Vertigo 2
1 Dyspepsia, Bullous Stomach 2
1
Suppressed or Po -Intel Periods. 2
12 Whites, too Profuse Periods 2
1 Croup, Cough, Difficult Breathing2
1 tions.
Erysipelas, e
Lae Eruptions.
tp nm P
)Z'he rY
la Salt ,
14
15 Rheumatism, A g It, Chills,
Matelua
16 Fever and A gee, Chills, Malaria
1e Piles,oBlind or Bleeding
1 Catarrh, Influenza, Cold in theRead ¢
Whoping Cough, Violent Coughs. Q69
General Debtlity.Physlcalweaknesa O
Kidney Disease
General
2 Nervous Debility
1 0
g Urinary Weakness, 'Wetting Bed. 66
732 Diseases of thelIeart,Palpttatloa 1 U
Sold by Drugg±ars, or sent postpaid on receipt
of Drice. DR. HOISP11RET8' b1ANVAL, (144 pages)
flampbreyin s'llediclneCo 1 9'FulttonSt NY.
SPECIFICS.
WELLS dot RICHARDSON CO. Agents,
SIONTREAL.
FOR FIRST CLASS,
HAIRCUTTING AND SHAVING.
Go t0 .t. E. EVANS, FASHIONABLE
BARBER, 2 doors east of Newa•REcoen of-
fice. Specie] attention given to Limes
"Am,1=b`nTl;tlltveff IT8ir�8tiftiiig.' ` "
POMPADOUR HAIRCUTTING A SPECIALTY.
returned
0) him 04 0011 lis ;
lAved
himself
completely and threw the razor overboard.
The deacons fund others had to walk up Fifth
avenue, each with the right half of his face
'see! - : •w York Sun.
01 n bears leas i15S.
,, ;ears, who is in this city, has a
.,..0 of runliuiseeuces about Barnum. He
mei been "elf and on" for the past fifteen
years an agent for the great shown ul.
"Barnum was an inimitable story teller,"
remarked Mr. Starr last night, "and he was
full of humor. Practical jokes he would sou,
ttuually piny upon his friends, and liked to
intoe t heal played upon himself. 1)).re a f nand
went into the museum rural atter ,,ones sight-
saeing found his way to :dr. 1i trlu,.•I's .,;lieu,
'Barnum, „I've been leokiug all ,e ee von'
place,' said he, 'but bless ale if 1 eau :loathe
club with which the Fiji Islanders killed
Capt. Cook. You ought to got it.' lir. Bar-
num answered it would be a good scheme to
hunt it up. A few days later the :Leeman
sent for leis friend, saying he had found t.lie
murderous club. It appears that lie bad
got one of his employees to procure a big
club, sprinkle it with blood, and thou paste
u card on it tolling its bistory. `Well, 1 got
that club,' exclaimed Mr. Barnum as his
friend entered the ufiiee:'there it is.' The
friend laughed and, looking the great show-
man in tete eyes, said: '80 I see, autl every
other show in the country exhibits that
club.' So the laugh was on Barnum.
"Several weeks after the friend dropped in
the mine" again. 'Say, Jim, Pin puzzled,'
eYeini:ued 1110 showman impatiently, 'Here
is a man, who says he will sell 111u a mon-
strously strauge thing for a big suns and I
don't know whether to p01'Chie0 it or not.'
'What is it?' iiuquired the friend. 'Well, 1'.e,
a sort of a fish that metamorphose( into an
menial. It has a tail like a lisp, au:l then
the lint thing you know it begins to have
le,;s.' The friends urged Barnum to per -
cease it at any price, as it would be tt great.
attraction. 'What does the nine call it?'
a .;:ed the friend filially. 'A tulp.,'o,' laugh -
e, l the old showman heartily. So they evened
things up." -Philadelphia Press.
THE MODERN STYLE OF POETRY.
Weston' poets of modern schools
Now set the style in verse;
At twistiug lilies all out of shape
They're gelling worse and worse.
up and
read then
first read
You down
collies the
leen Jb GCs b`r
And then you face your eyes about,
.awhile way this rend And
meta) means aided 400.1 slam teem,
And get your be; t' ag:; fixed.
Or ill the crescent style of verso
You may gut the rhythm mixed.
Then
step
by
step
go
rear
isi
t5
o'
r.
B.1it4CMI AND TUE' WHITE ELEPU.INTS.
Dnvid S. 'Thomas was for twelve years
press agent for 1'. T. Barnum, and probab-
ly few who have been connected with the
great showman have ilad a better chance to
see Mr. Barnum in his daily life and busi-
ness career than Mr, Thomas.
"1 was press agent for Mr. Barnum from
len until 1684," said Mr. Thomas," „and dur-
that time I had probably more to do with
Mr. liaruum than any of his other agents, for
the reason that I kept -right along with the
show, while the others were usually ahead.
The great white elephant war in Philadelphia
was one of the greatest tllulgs that Mr. Bar-
18`l;l
Bar-
men was In um ever had on his hands. IL ,
and both Barnum and Forepaugh wore bill-
ets to exhibit in Philadelphia about the same
time. Ba•num ked a genuine white ele-
phant from Siam, and Forepaugh had one
he advertised as the only white elephant in
this country, but we knew lie wasn't a genu-
ine one.
'Wen, the war woeef hot and 1erce. Mr.
Barnum gave 55 1.11FtrUCtiO0S to curry it to
the very end. Columns weren't anythiug
to vs then; we purchased whole pages of
the uewepapers, and advertised all the
time. Mr. Barnum afterward told me
tbat the newspaper Mlle for tl e three
wee; s (510,11;•8) to $10,1100, enol I Iteow
that slut 111diva and other nrlve'I18 �• d :,,,,•a
.-Tie sniffs i iY utffilr7131 �' "ratredijijTfa33i -'
thew
step
back
a
down
- again.
with
And
Once more you close the ranks.
A patient world will turn one day.
And this will coins to pass:
is
Po r
Pck � �
3y
is
t• �
=,�
r
} ` •1
THE POETS' ()RAVES.
TALK. 4F THE DAY.
PICTUREBOF LIFE AS IT 18 IN EILAQK
ANP WHITE.
The Idiosyncrasies of Alt Sorts of People
Under tete Uruehes anti the Peas of
Artists and UUumorlsts-The Latest
'aragrayhs of the Newspaper 'Was.
Sots eoae_pY
Graveyard.
Keep off the grass.
"It is more blessed to give than to re-
ceive."
The crow's opitaph-Removed for caws.
A come of inquiry -popping the ques-
tion.
Italy bas a fruit standing army of about
50,000 men. '
Tiddledy winks sod% is out. The accent is
on the wink.
One of the greatest of home comforts is the
shirt which isn't made at home.
"If it wasn't for whisky," remarked the
cork, "I would not be here in the jug."
When you can get close enough to a frog
to poke hint with a stick that's a sign of
spring.
"I sigh for you, my love," he said. But
these were the ciphers be meant, instead -
$1,000,000.
An English publisher announces a new
work entitled, "Ile Always Pleases His
Wife." It is fiction.
"He can trace his ancestry lack to the
flood." "Oh, pshaw, That's nothing. Every-
body was in the swim then."
"Your husband is one of the loveliest men
I ever saw. Do you give him his own way
all the time!" "He thinks Ido."
The man who is proud because his name is
not Brown, Smith or Jones usually has noth-
ing else in the world to be proud of.
If you have anything to give, give it to
the "hail fellow, well met." If you have
anything to lend, lend it to somebody else.
" What do you say: 'Is lunch ready?' or
Is luncheon ready?' " "Neither. I usually
say, 'What the deuce is the hatter with the
grub?"'
He (gazing at the stars) -"I wonder which
are the evil stars?" She -"Tho ones that
wink. Certainly such conduct is very repre-
hensible."
He -"That is a beautiful pug you have. I
suppose your motto is 'Love me, Iove my
dog.' " She -"Not always. You are per-
mitted to love my dog."
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"I already ani gone, kind sir," she said.
"I also am gone, my pretty maid."
"Well, ask my papa, kind sir," she said.
"I have tried many ways of getting
ahead," writes a subscriber. "Can you give
me some advice?" "Why don't you try mix-
ing your drinks?"
"That boy's going to be a policeman when
he grows up." "How do you know?" "He's
d
never wanted, be found when ants , and it takes
an how' to wake him up."
Putting on Airs. -John Bull-"He11o,
what makes you so stuck up?" Uncle Sam
-"Why, ley dear fellow, I have risen to
the dignity of a war scare."
When winter lingers in the lap of spring
('Tis shocking to narrate),
He's very apt -the horrid things
To linger there quite late.
On Drill -Sergeant -"When you put the
gun to your shoulder to shoot, you must
stand so still that a guide -post beside you
would look like a drunken civilian."
He called her little "Sweetie,"
When the arrow pierced his heart;
But, slaty, when he had married her,
She was a little tart.
Lady of the House -"You say you haven't
had alsytbing to eat to -days" Tramp --
"Lady, if you believe me, the only thing
I've swallowed to -day is insults."
Customer -"Why' did you take your boy
away from school?" "Grocer -"They were
ruining him. Why, they were trying to
teach him that sixteen ounces make a
pound l"
Taking No Risks. -Mrs. Gaddsby-"Is it
true, as I've been told, that your husband
proposed by telephone?" Mrs. De Schriet-
"Why, no, that's a silly story; he only asked
papa's consent that way."
"Well," says Wooden, "I don't see why
they keep discussing this question of mar-
riage; it's simple enough. If a fellow is
poor he can't affol'd to get married; and if
he is ricin he doesn't need to"
He (facetiously) -"So you are going
abroad. Do you expect to marry a count or
a baron?" She (seriously) -"It depends on
their relative values. Papa has limited me
to a certain sum, you know."
flow taw haat Jivr Luvt,F•,
"Twassa summer ago wheu bo left ate boa,
A tautu er 11f 633)110 t with 118141r a, tear, .,
Tilt 1 said to hide with a sob, My dear t
Goon -bye, toy lover, Seed -bye!
For I Loved hi'n, oh, as the stars love WOO..
Aud fay the ees fur btu 11;3sbe:3 rtxt and
white
When he liras calkal ane his haart'e (blight;
flood -bye, my lever igood-bye!
Th • ich of his baud wits a thing divine,
at with use is the -soft moo Wattle
And drink of my love 54 1n0udrink wine:
tioud-bye my lover; good-byes
And uever a might as I knelt in prayer,
Ina gowu tis whit -,e tat ourown souls were,
But in fancy he came and kissed we there:
Good-bye, my lover; good-bye!
But uow, 0 God! what an empty place
My whole heart is! Of the old embrace
And the hiss I loved, there is nota trace:
Good-bye, my lover; good-bye!
He sailed not over the stormy sea,
And he went not down iu the waves, net
he:
But oh, he is lost. for he married me;
Good-bye,- my lover; good•byel
--James Whitcomb Riley. ,
%Vlllynni Was Clever.
In almost every seaside town there is some
thriftless ne'er-do-well, who, although be
never has ally regular occupation, is gener-
ally a good skipper and is always at the
service of the summer resident for any job
which does not bear the aspect of regular
labor and includes an occasional drink.
"Uncle Jack," of Ryomouth, was one of
these characters, and he was engaged one
day fora fishing trip by a Boston gentleman
who was a native of the seaside town.
"Willyien," said Uncle Jack, who, with a
pipe between his teeth, was keeping a lazy
watch over the tiller, "my gals subscribed
for the Home Garland awhile ago and them
Bawston fellers out me a bill the other day
for $10, four years' subscription. Naow, I
hain't got no $10, Willyum. Dou't you
think you could fix this for me when you go
up to taowu?"
The Bostonian promised' to do what ho
'could, and Uncle Jack handed hint the bill
from a greasy piece of leather which he
called a pocketbook.
Shortly after, being out on another trip,
the ole 1111111 asked:
"Wilyunl, did yo fix them ere newspaper
fellers?" aid Mr. R. answered, "Yes, I did,
Uncle Jack."
With a pleased grin the other inquired:
"Au' haow did ye manage it!"
Looking at his inquirer with a sober face,
Mr. R. responded:
"Well, I went in there and told them that
you were a miserable. drunken old loafer,
without a cent to your name, and they set-
tled for 53."
The old eau's jaw dropped a little, and
after a pause of full fifteen minutes, he
said:
"That was clever of you, Willynm, but
don't you think you kinder raised — with
my reputation in Bawston?"-Boston Bul-
letin.
Letting Him Down.
Husband -I won enough money last night
at p'bker to get you a new dress.
Wife (sobb m r l l tui nlr you might stop play-
ing those horrid cartes, John. You know
what it alight lead to in the end, and to think
that I should ever be the wife of a gambler.
This is t -t -too much. What kind of a dress
shall I get?
A Double Liability.
She -"You never hear of women cashiers
embessling or running off with their employ -
ex's :money."
He -"Not often; but when it does happen
they take the employer, too."
A DNARF IN EVERY HOUSE.
Two boys may create fun for the company
by malting up as a dwarf. Let one of them
stand behind a table and place his hands on
it, while the other stands behind the first
and passe-. bis arms around hits. The head
and the body of the seemed boy and the legs
of the first are hidden by eertaius, which
can easily be managed if the table is placed
in a doorway. Bouts are then placed 0n
the Mullis of the buy No. 1, and
a jacket put on over his shoulders and the
arms of the hidden player. Then, as will
be seen in the second picture, en excellent
Clashing Belies.
Mr. St. John says your complexion al-
ways reminds him of the War of the Roses.
Did he? How nicely he puts things!
Yes, doesn't he! You know the Red drove
the Whits entirely from the field.
In Blushing Minnesota.
r
imitation of a dwarf is thus farmed. The
face.should be disguised as much as possible,
and the dwarf may be dressed fantastically
to represent a Turk or Moor. To add to the
fun, a third person might act the part of
showman, and give a comic account of the
dwar'f's history.
Matched Pennies for a. Sweetheart.
A wedding is announced for this spring be-
tween two well-known young people of Des
Moines. There is an interesting story con-
nected with the event; and it would be unfair
to call names.
Four years ago the prospective bride, then
'ons of
the Atteutt
• 'vin
1
(site sung, was receiving q y
three gentlemen. They, too, were young,
little inure than boys, and just entering upon
the different lines of work which they had
adopted for life.
Two of them, indeed,. were still students.
Matters ran along without much change
with the four for some time. They each
understood the situation. Nothing in the
girl's matinee indicated any preference. The
throe boys were the best of friends, although
the situation was such as to strain their re-
lations a little..
Finally the three suet one day by accident.
In soros way the young lady's name was
brought up, and after consideration it was
decided to match pennies to see who should
withdraw from the contest. It was stipulated
that the winner should be in honor bound to
devote himself exclusively to the young lady
in the future, and to win ber hand if possible.'
The losers from that moment were to with-
draw from the vice completely. The losers
wete further pledged to act as guardian
brothers to the young lady and see that the
winner carried on no flirtatious with other
girls.
The contracts were carried out to the let-,
ter, and the girl was never told why two of
her admirer: so suddenly retired.
Aud so, after these years, she is'at last to
become the wife of ,him whom luck favored
in'e game of chance. Both are still young,
and tho gentleman is prospering in his busi-
nessr.
Of the losers ire the contest one adopted a
trade and is married. The other eutered
upon a professional career. He is unmarried
and his name would he recognized were it
mentioned all over the Western city. -Des
Moines'Leaeler.
Johnsmith-What are you wearing those
blinders for, Jnhesley? Has the prince of
Wales got sore eyes?
Jokesley-No, de'ah boy; I'nl going to see
the reformed bel Iet, and they're so modest,
'pen my soul, that a fellah cawn't look at
them 151111 his hale d eye, bah Jove.
Standing Upon pd_rr Dignity,
"What wages do you erect?" asked Mrs.
B. of the candidate fur the position of cook -
lady.
"I never works for wages, mum," return-
ed the cook -lady, "I goes on salary or
uothli'."
Aecoaat L"loe,1.
Geawdge-What sort of a tailor Is Sheard
Chawlos (laconically) -No account.
Geawdge-Why, they tell me he makes
beautiful clothes. k•
Chawles-Yes. But he's no account. You
have to pay for them.
Tho First tinestlen.
"You r
ou romombor Mamie smith? n
"Ccrtaiuly I do."
"She was in town yesterday for the first
time in six years."
"Indeed! What kind of a dress did she
have on?"
The Tryst t
Discovered.
y
Primus -I saw Dudley's wife consulting a
lawyer alone to -day. What's up?
Secundus-She is estranged from Dudley.
She has just beard that he promised to meet
his first wife in heaven.
He Got Her.
They were talking about trees. " My
favorite," said she, " is the oak. It is so noble,
so magnificent iu its strength. But what is
your favorite 1"
" Yew," he replied.
Counter -Proposition.
He -I have a million and I lose you.
se,eeiho-I have a bulldo 4n1d Ido not love