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property at 64
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thanks to the in -
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meld respectfedly-
te all orders in
Orders left at
erth, the Beacon
rter in. Mitchell,
e Agency attend.
srket. Mitchell,
116-tf.
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• 139 3.14
WM. F. LUXTON,
Freedom in Trade—Liberty in Religion—Equakity in Civil Rights".
EDTIOR & PUBLISHER.
VOL. 3, NO. 41,
SEAFORTH, FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1870.
WHOLE NO. 145
BUSINESS CARDS. ,
MEDICAL.
MD TRACY, M. D., Coroner for the, County of
Huron. Office and Residence—One door
Eas;of the Methodist Ipiscopa1 'Church.
Seaforth, Dec. 14th,. 53-ly
-10a 0. MOORE, M. D, (Graduate of McGill
• Universitar, Montreal,) Physician, Surgeon,
-&c. Office and retidence Zurich, Ont.
Zurieh, Sept. 7th 1870. 144
-FAMES STEWARD, M. D. C. M. Graduate
Jof McGill University, Montreal. :Physician,
Surgeon'&c. Office and residence :=-At MR.
Coax's. Varna.
TIE. W. R. SMITH, Physician, Surgeon, etc.
Office,—Oriposite Veal's Grocez Resi-
dence—Main-street, North. --
Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1863. 53-ly
TT L. VERCOE, M. D. C. M. Physician, Sur-
.geon, etc., Office and -Residence, corner
of Market and High Street, immediately in rear
of Kidd & McMulkin's Store.
Seaforth, Feb. 4th. 1870. 53-1Y.
JCAMPBELL, M. D. C. M.; (Graduate of Me-
• Gill University, Montreal) Physician,- Sur-
geon., etc., Seaforth. Office and Residence—Old
Post Office Building, up stairs, where he will be
found by night or day when at home.
Seaforth, July 15th, 1869. 84-1 y
LEGAL.
-1D F. WALKER, Attorney-at-Lati knd So-
licitor.in-Chancerye Conveyancer, Notary
Public, &c. Office Of the Clerk of the Peace,
Court House, Godericla, Out.
N.B.—Money to lend at 8 per cent on Farm
Lands.
Gocierich, Jan'y. 28.1870.
112-1y.
50A13 HEY t HOLMSTEAD, Barristers,
Attorneys at Law, Solicitors in Chancery
and Insolvency, Notaaies Public and Conveyanc-
ers. Solicitors for the R C. Batik, Seaforth,
Agents for the Canada Life Assurance Co.
-N. 13. —$30,000 to lend at 8 per cent. Farms,
Houses and Lots for sale.
Seaforth, Dec. 14th, 1868. 53-tf.
-DENSON & MEYER, Barristers and Attorney
ILI• at Law, Solicitors in Chancery and Insolv-
•ency, Conveyancers, Notaries Public, etc. Of-
_ fices,—Seaforth and Wroxeter. Agents for the
Trust and Loan Co. of Upper Canada, and the
Colonial Securities Co. of London, England.
Money at 8 per cent ; no conimlssion, charged,
TAS. R BENSON', H. W. C. MEYER.
Seaforth, Dec. 10th 1868. 53-ly
DENTAL.
G. W. IIARRIS,LD. S Arti.
ficial 'Dentures inserted with all the
latest improvements. The greatest
care taken for the preservation of decayed and
tender teeth. Teeth extracted without pain.
Rooms over Collier's Store.
Saeforth. Dec. 14, 1868. ly.
HOTELS.
r`i OM ME RU I AL HOTEL, Ainleyvill , James
lat Laird, ,protaietor, affords iirst-class accom-
modation for the travelling public. The larder
end bar are al -ways supplied with the best the
markets afford. Excellent stabling in connection
.Ainleteville, April 23, 1869. - 704-tf.
17 ONX'S HOTEL (LATE SHARP'S) The un -
ix.' clersigned begs to thank the public for the
liberal patronage awarded to him in times _past
in the hotel business, and also to inform -then
that he has again resumed business in the above
stand, where he will be happy to have a call
from old friends, and. many new ones. °
THOMAS KONX.
Seaforth, May 5, 1870.
JR. ROSS, Proprietor New Dominion Hotel,
begs to inform the people of Seaforth and
.
- the travelling community generally, that he keeps
first-elass accommodation in every thing required
by travellers. A good stable .and
always on hand, Regular Boarders will receive
every necessary attention.
Seaforth, Feb. 8th, 1869. •
• 63-1y.
•
• DRITISH EXCHANGE HOTEL, GODERIOH,
• _.1) ONT. , J. CALLANVAY, PROPRIETOR ; J. 8.
WILLIAMS: (late of American Hotel, Warsaw, N.
Y.) Manager. • This hotel has recently been new-
. ly fUrnisliecl, 'and refitted throughciut, and is now
one of the most cninfertableiand commodious in
the Province. Good Sample Rooms for Conuner-
cial Travellers. • Terms liberal.
Goderieh, April 14, 1870.
123-th
MISCELLANEOU.S._
• SHARP'S LIVERY STABLE, MAIN ST.,
S &UDR T. First Class Horses and Carriages
always on hand. at reasonable terms.
. R .L SHARP, Proprietor.
Seaforth, May 5th, 1870. 3-tf—
..
.
MAILL & CROOKE, Architects, etc. Plans
and Specifications drawn correctly. Carpen-
ter's, Plasterer's. and Mason's work, measured
and valued. Office—Over J. C. Detlor & Co.'s
store, Court -House Square, Goderich• . -
Goderich, April 23, 1869. -ly.
G& W. -MePHILLIPS, Provincial Land Sur-
• veyors, Civil Enaineers, etc. All manner
of Conveyancing done with neatness and -dispatch, -
G. McPhillips, Commissioner in. 73. R. Office—
Next door south of Sharte's Hotel, Seaforth.
Seafertli, Dec. 14, 1868. •
_V
HAZLEHURST, Licensed Auctioneer for
the County •of Huren. G-oderich, Ont
Parilicular attention paid to the sale of Bankrupt
Stixk. Iriarin. Stock Sales attended on Liberal
. Terms. . Goods Appraised, MortgagesForeclosed,
Landlord's Warrants Executed. Also,Bailiff
First Division Court for Huron.
Goderich, June 9th, 1869. 76. tf
BE A WOMAN.
Oft I've heard a gentle mother,
As the twilight -hours began,
Pleading with a_ son on duty,
Urging him to be a man. .
But unto her blue-eyed daughter,
Though with love's words quite as ready,
Points she out the other duty—.
"Strive, my dear, to be a lady.11
-What's a lady? Is it something
Made of hoops, and silks, and airs;
Used to decorate the parlor,
• Like the fancy rugs and chairs ?"
Is it one that wastes on novels
Every feeling that is human?
If this to be a lady,
'Tis not this to be a woman.
Mother, then, mito your daughter
Speak of something higher far,
Than to be mere fashion's lady—
Woman is the brightest star,
If ye, -in your strong affection,
Urge your son to be a true man,
Urgeyour daughter no less strongly
To arise and be a woman.
Yes, a woman! brightest model
Of that high and perfect beauty,
• Where the mind, and soul, and body,
Blend to work out life's great duty
Be a woman, naught is higher. -
On the gilded list of lame ;
On the catalogue of virtue ,
There's no brighter, holier name.
Be a woman on to duty;
Raise the world from all that's low,
Place high, in the social heaven
Virtue's fair and radiant brow.
Lend thy influence to each effort
• That shall raise our nature human,
Be not fashion's gilded lady—
Be a brave, whole-souled, true wom• an.
A NICHT ATTACK.
had but lately come tout from England tojoin
Dick Merton, my former chum and protector at a
public school, and my last friend always. Our
joint and very modest capital had been invested
in a league of land, bought for an old song on ac-
count of its defective title (it was claimed, with
some thousands besides, by the Pampa Indians,
who made entry upon it --gave notice to quit by
brandishing lances at us—and levied a distress
upon our horses, awl upon us, too, in the Euro-
pean manner ;) also in a few sheep, having the
lathy appearance, and almost the speed of grey-
hounds and lastly, in the materials for our
house, of which, as we had ourselves been the ar-
chitects, builders and clerks of the work, we were
not a little proud. • It •was • built of sun -baked
bricks, and consistedof one tolerable large room,
a flat roof and parapet, accessible from the inside
by means of a ladder. Around it, at about thir-
ty yards distant, we had. dug a deep, dry ditch,
crossed by a draw -bridge, and intended as a pro-
tection against surprise by our enterprising neigh-
bors'ethe Indians. The 'latter dusky gentlemen
haat hitherto behaved themselves as such, and
had confined their throat elating propensities to
certain strey sheep, instead of gratifying them at
the expense of the owners. But ugly tales were
still told of their doings around about us—of
white men taken whilst riding in sight of home,
and tortured; of cattle driten off, and sheep
speared in very wantonness and mischief—which
were not re -assuring, and which caused 118 to keep
a particularly sharp look out, especially when, as
now, the Indian moon (their favorite time of at-
tack) gave light enough to plunder but not • to
guide the aim of defenders.
-Dick Merton, changed indeed since the days
when his word was law among a select circle • of
Pall Mall dandies, lounged up to where I was 1
standing. His costume was • simple in the ex-
treme, and consisted merely of a sufficiently aged
pair of leathei• unmentionables, and a red flannel
shirt—the wtiole being surmounted and relieved
by a very long black beard, and a very short but
equally black pipe; but throug* rough attire and
surroundings, the indefinable ,te Ile • sdtis , poi of
gentility was as clearly recognizable as when he
was sowing his rather extensixe crop of wild oats
upon home soil, and before •that memorable Der-
by, which inckbed him, after settling with duns
of every description, from fashionable tradesmen
to " honorable " welchers, to embark himself and
the leavings -of his property, and dwell among
sheep and savages, until he Could return with
resh grist to carry to the civilized mill.
C'pan you see anything stirring in the camp ?"
aid he, as he came up: "Those horses are mak
ng a confounded row in the corral. I saw John -
on, the Yankee, this morning, and he said the
lichens had crossocl the river; and he guessed
ve'd better keep our wits well oiled, that the
usky vermin didn't look in when we warn't tea-
ly for visitors." ••
Now, horses were our surest safeguards against
urprise. Dogs we had, too, but they roused us
p so frequently by barking at nothing more for-
ndable than a stray deer or fox, that --reminded
f the gentlenaan whose amusement it was to cry
Wolf. !"--we lost all faith in them; but our tit-
le half -wild Pampa horses had a truer instinct,
ncl their warnings, given by stamping upon the
round, were not to be disregarded with safety.
"1 can make out some objeets t• moving, about
alf a mile to the southward," said I, after a long
ok-out on the plains.
"They are mounted men, by Jove !" exclaimed
y companion; " and riding hard this way, too.
tend here with your rifle, Alfred, while I slip
artridges into the others. At this pace they
11 be here directly."
AAA so they were. • Almost before Dick had
ached my side again, twd " Guachos," their
sual swarthy faces livid with fear, sprung from
eir horse, which, covered with blood,_ sweat,
-
d foem, showed how sharp had been the ride,
d rushed over the draw -bridge. Theytold us
soon as terror would. allowt that three hundred
diens were in hot pursuit, and would soon be
the spot. and besought us to give them shelter
to ride outagain into the •camp upon their
unclered horses would be a certain death.
Dick, rather to my surprise', for I did not then
DW what distinguished liars the natives as a
le are, calmly lit his pipe, and then ordered
r visitors, in a somewhat doubtful Spanish
om, to "make themselves scarce."
"Unless," said he politely, "You can tell a
ain tale, 'senors, without lies, vamos " (be off,)
d "adois" (God be with you.)
Upon thiS we learned, after ranch cross ques-
ning, that they had been to buy 'horses (". to
al tbena, more likely," interjected Dick) at
11
;
11
lo
wi
re
11
th
an
an
as
In
on
55
fo
kn
ru
on
idi
pl
an
tio
ste
the station oi a rich Spaniard; Don Ramon Garcia
who lived about four leagues from us, and that
when they reached the top of a gentle rise in the
ground, and had a view of the house, they had
seen, to their horror and dismay, a large -body of
the dreadedIndians,Who were attacking, for they
heard shots, Don Ramon's estamia.
"Whereupon," said the spokesman with teeth
chattering, "We rode hard to your ;bode, well
knowing that the brave Englishmen would not
deliver us up • but let us mount your fleetest
horses, and ride for life. Soon they will behere;
and who ca,n witjastand the fierce bravos?"
"If this is trih," said Dick, turning to me,
"and I believe it is, for these cowardly scoun-
drels' faces are proof that they have seen some-
thing—the sooner we prepare to fight the better.
Of course, they were not attacking Ramon's
place ; he has a fort strong enough to resist a thou-
sand men, and plenty of menand arms as well.
Most likely they made a dash to carryoff any one
who might be strolling at a distance from the
house, or to drive off the horses; and it is equal-
• ly likely that we shall have them here soon, where
there's a better chance for a night attack. In
any event, we must be prepared for them. Na-
turally, we can't run away, and leave all we have
• in the world to be destroyed, as thesevaliant gen-
tlemen propose."
My chum's calmness infused confidence into
me, and though' dreadfully nervous—for it was
my first fight, and a kind of internal fluttering
sensation warned me that, like Vialo, I lacked
something of a man." I set about our prepara-
tions with a good show of self-possession. The
natives—both the late arrivals and our own two
men, who had often boasted of what they meant
to do and had already done in the way of fight-
ing Indians—were quite useless. They besaught
us piteously' to flee, and so hampered us, that
• Dick's patience evaporated, and having lavished
a series of hearty kicks ainong them, he consign;
ed them forcibly to nether and more sultry re-
gions, kindly offering them horses for any other
journey they might.wish to make. They dared
not, however, ride away even from the coming
danger; and presently- to our great relief and de-
light, we saw them scrambling through the ditch
and into our solitary field of maize, where, as we
learned afierwards, they lay concealed, with their
feces buried in the ground like ostriches, until
the storm should blow over. Our preparations
were very simple—a box of catridges was opened
(for we were provided with those inestimable life -
preservers, breachloading rifles) and placed ready
to band; together with a bottle of whiskey and a
jar of water ; the door and windows, our weakest
points, were secured as strongly as possible ; and
then, sheltering our bodies behind the paiapet,
we peered cautiously over, and strained our eyes
to get the first glimpse of an enemy:
Nothing is so daunting as suspense to a young
campaigner, and I felt my heart thumping against
my ribs with excitement and a nervous dread that
I should not play a man's part in the struggle we
expected; But Dick'e voice, calm, low and with
a slight drawl in it, reassured me.
" NOw, look here'Alfred, my boy," he said,
"if we have to fight keep cool, and do as I tell
you. 'Reach your hand over here—that's right
I like to feel your grip like that. New, remem-
ber to aim steadily, as though you were winning
a cup in the rifle corps at home, and don't show
yourself more than you can help, for though those
beggars have only a few muskets and pistols in
the shape of fire arms, they can • shoot pretty
straight if you stand still enough for a long sight.
The great point will be to force the door, but we
can soon stop that if you are steady with your
shots ; and they can't fire the bricks. Do you see
anything ?" .
"There's something dark on the ground near
the corral," I answered.; "it seems nearer than
it was."
"An Indian, Mire enough, and the ball's going
to commence." A'S- he said this, Dick's rifle rung
out in the silence of the night, and I saw a splin-
ter fly white in the moonlight, about a foot above
the dark object, which thereupon started up with
a cry, aud fled. Then we heard the galloping of
horses, and about three hunched red Indians rode
into view, and breaking into twos and threes, cir-
cled round us within shot—waving spears and
shouting as though the whole company of fallen
angels had met to lament their change of circum-
stances chorally.
" Don't shoot! This is all a feint." And my
superior's warning came just in time, for a dusky
cloud of men sprang out from the ditch (how they
could have got in without our having observed
them, was puzzling to me,) and. rushed, lance in
hand against the door. Well for us that its fast-
enings were secure, that we had not beeu tempt-
ed to throw away shots by the first demonstra-
tion.. Bang ! bang! went our rifles, and. I saw
with a feeliag of pleasure that the man.I had cov-
ered fell back- N-vith a hoarse yell.
"DOA hurry but in` with your cartridges," I
heard next, and both fired together. This was
too much for them—they halted, Wavered one
moment,land then disappeared by magic—our ra-
pid firing having completely discomfiitted them. ,
"Down with yofi and I felt myself pulled
suddenly under the parapet, in time to hear the
bullets, from the cavelry outside the ditch, sing
over our heads. "So far so good,". was Dick's
comment. "Take a drop of -e-hiskey, and watch
th enext mo ve. "
The moon was now nearly over, but that was
not so much against us, the night being, clear and
starlight enough to see a man at ten paces. We
could hear the trampling of horses' feet, and
gutteral sounds of talking, and guessed that a
council of war Was being held. Suddenly a spark
appeared about two hundred. yards from the
house—for they had fired the haystack—and grew
rapidly into a flame. Brighter and brighter it
became, and lit up the scene—which was one of
those men do not easily forget—as with the glare
of noonday sun. •
Grouped around the -flame and out of range
were our foes—their swarthy skins and snaky
hair glistened in the firelight ; and they brandish-
ed lances, and screamed with delight at the de-
struction they had caused.
Dogs were barking, and horses in the corral
neighing shrilly and rearing with terror --some
fighting desperately to escape. •
I loo ed at my companion's face; it was very
pale, and the expression decidedlyugly. "Look!
he said, hoarsely. "Here comes an ambassador.
Good heaven! look !"
I turned with astonishment •' ,but the sicken-
ing sight I Saw fully accounted for Dick's excite-
ment and rage.
A nearly naked Indian -was boldly advancing
toward us, and bearing before him a burden,
which effectually secured, as he meant to do, his
iminunitY from our phot,
' A beautiful whitegirl of about seventeen, was
lying helpless in his arms Her hands were bounl
behind her back, and masses of coal -black hair
encircled a face showing deadly terror and horror
in every feature; and dropped nearly to the
ground under the savage's arm. Her dress, torn
from one white shoulder, showed how hard had
been the first ineffectual straggle against her cap-
tors.
As the Indian crossed the ditch (they had cut
the rope which held up the draw -bridge in the
first attack) with his burden, Dick with a deep
groan recognized her. "It is Rosita, Don Ra-
mon's daughter," he broke out. "I love her,
Alfred, and wilsave her or die with her. List-
-en," he continuedhurredly, "this rascal has come
to make some propoaals to us. Keep your eye on
him, and the moment you get a fair chance fire
at him. If you kill her itis the better fate.
When I hear the shot I will throw open the win-
dow (which I can more easily than the door), and
try for a rescue. But for heaven's sake don't
leave the roof • our only hope is in -your being
able to keep off the others, who will rush from
the ditch. Good-bye."
And he was down the ladder before 1dould
speak, leaving his hat cunningly adjustectabove
the parapet. Poor Dick! all his coolness and
sang-froid had, vanished now' I myself was not
in a pleasant predicament. To carry out his half -
mad scheme maPolved by running a terrible risk
of shooting my friend's sweetheart, which at any
other time would have appeared impossible; but
when I read the angry and loathing in the poor
girl's eyes it braced inytterves, set my teeth, laid
my rifle ready and inwardly swore that no tram-
bling of my hand should mar her deliverance.
And now the savage, a truculent -looking brute,
raised his voice, and demanded a. surrender. He
threatened us with all the tortures his ingenious
fraternity are so justly proud of having invented,
in case of obstinacy,' and bid us look upon his
captive for that she, too, should suffer for use As
he said this he grasped the girl's hair brutally,
and raised her head. With a sudden spring of
pain and fright, she threw herselfaut of his arms
and fell to, the ground. His time and mine had
come. • As he stooped, my bullet- laid him dead
by the side of his intended victim. Dick made a
rush from the window, and the Indian thiers
from the ditch as he had predicted; but as Ros-
ita was rather nearer to the house than the ditch
he managed to reach her first, and was retreating
with her in his arms. And now all depended up-
inc. ,My first shot, aimed- at the foremost of the
assailants, mi3sed him clean; and before I could
seize the other rifle, he had made a vicious
thrust at Dick, who encumbred as he was, was
quite helpless. The lance passed through Rosita's
• dress, luckily without injury to the wearer; and
as the savage drew back for a cooler and surer
thrust, I had the inexpressible pleasure oflodging
a bulled in his body, which effectually prevented
aay further lance exercise from him.
Then I heard a heavy fall in the room below.
• Dick had thrown his burden through the open
window at the risk of breaking a limb, and turn-
ing found himself engaged hand to hand -with a
dozen Indians. He set his back against the wall
and threw his revolver with his right hand re-
ceiving as he did so a spear -thrust through his
left arm; but his and my revolver, fortunately
preserved until now, played among the attacking
party, and a man was drcping at every shot; so
they drew off. Dick managed with great effort
to drag himself through the window, and then,
fainted away from the loss of blood and exhausi
tion; and when I ran down the ladder to make.,
fast the window again, I found him comfortably
reclining with his head on Rosita's lap, the latter
having been stunned by her unceremonious entry. -
But I could not stay to help here; my post was
on the roof. I hurrieclaip theladder, noticing for
the first time that I had myself suffered in the
scrimmage to the extent of a flesh wound from a
bullet. • The fight was over.- Throughout the re-
mainder of the night, the Indians lingered about
and stole some of the horses and sheep, but they
• had _aot pluck again to encounter the deadly -
breach -loaders. Seldom, indeed, had such a se-
vere lesson been taughtthem, and when the
glorious sun rose (never a sight more welcome),
• -we-saw them ride, beaten- off .the -flelde bearing
with them five of the slain; six other corpses
were lying in front of the window, where the
fiercest struggle had been, and two more were
afterwards found, who had cra wled into the ditch
like wild animals to die. •
We learned from the pretty Rosita, whose gra-
titude was most touching, that she had been cap-
tured whilst walking in the orange garden near'
her. father's haute, a short time before we were
attacked.•
"You, noble caballerous," she said, "have
preserved me from death, and from what is far
worse. God will reward you, for I can never."
• I think Dick, however was of a 'different opin-
ion ; at all events, he has always seemed remark-
- ably satisfied with the rewards he persuaded her
to make his.
• Some years have passed since that eventful
night. Dick and Rosita are living atDon Ramon's •
estancia, that worthy old gentleman having de-
parted this life shortly after there marriage. I,
• too, am with them as a partner in the land,
flocks and herds, of which we have a goodly
quantity ; and whenever the increasing stock of
little Dicks and Rositas ask me, asthey invari-
ably do of an evening, to tell them a story, I
know that nothing less will content than a full,
• true and particular account of -the night attack-.
• The contine' ntial p:rt.sta7the earth are Made np.
WAly is the Ocean Salt?
with minerals which are compounds, in great va-
riety, of the elements. Most of these minerals
aro insolabie or almost so, and thus remain .as
rocks or soils ix their appointed places with
great stability. ,Yet there are also soluble min-
erals like common salt; or such as become so by
chemical changes, and whenever water reaches
them they will be taken up and borne away to
the one last receptacle ,of the waters—the ocean.
Thus from time immemorial, all the soluble salts
of the land have been leaching out and passirg
into the Ocean. . The ocean in turn, with the ex-
ception of a sMallquantity of salt which is thrown
up into the atmosphere as dust, returns hone of
this dissolved mineral to the land. Its vaport
Come down on the mountains and hills to be con-
densed as pure waiter, and takingupwhat they
may in the track; carry throughithe rivers new
riches to the sea."—thus the ocean.has become
the great reservoir e£ soluble minerals, andis for-
ever briny in consequence. The same phenorae-
non is illustrated on a small scale in inland wat-
ers which were cut off from -drainage into the
sea, like Salt Lake and Caspian Sea. Nearly all
such collections of water „par.& sal.
It is stated; that an American has iftated. to
purchase the residence of the,late QharleaPickella
at Gadshill for £20,000. _
VARIETIES.
A mantle shelf—a lady's shoulders.
Fiat falsehood—lying on yohr back.
The legal tender—lawyer s affection.
A Nameless Deed—an unsigned will.
The flo' Of soul—Florence Nightengale.
A Hirer-glyphic—A servant's character.
Unequalled love—a passion for gambling.
• Tied to Time—Watchmakers' apprentices.
Men of paeans are often th? meanest of men.
An ittstruirnent of tyranny—a file of soldiers.
The old industrious " loafers" are the bakers.
A. bad man is worse when he pretends to be a
saint.
Be as anxious to avoid making enemies as to
gain friends.
Sentiment for a temperance host—" Drink to
me only with thine eyes."
Legal Query—Should the limbs of the law be
clothed. in breaches of promise ?
Mrs. Miffins says her daughter is worse than a
misfortune—She's a gal -amity.
The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to
take aimneeling.
• tv
Very fe ersons have sense enough to despise
the praise of tt fool.
• Did the late Mie Dickens write the "Old Curi-
osity Shop" with a quill(p) pen?
When lovers quarrel, do they retairn thekiAs-
es ? Jim says he never did, anyhow.
A rascally bachelor calls the friendship of two
women "always a plot against a third."
When a drunkard is liable to lose his head,
would it not be better to fix it in a gin sling ?
4.n English tourist thinks the -most astonish-
ing feature of the Amexican hotel is the clerk
Be humble -when you are young, and you will
be honored and respected when you are old.
Beet sugar is asgood as cane sugar, because
the difference between beating and caning is mere-
ly nominal.
"Lottie," said a little visitor, "what makes .
your little kitty so cross V "-Oh, ;'cause she's
cutting teeth,.I spec." '
• Which is best—the song of the nightingale or
tbe lay of the barn -door fowl ?—Shut up, and
pass the egg spoon.•
Scent. How did you get that lovely per-
,
fume ?" asked one lady of another. It's scent
to me," was the reply. -
A Note in Music—Tenors who strive after the
high ut de poitrine may properly be nicknamed
the Toilers of the C.
A witty fellow, in speaking of a man of indis-
putable stupidity, said: "To become a perfect
• brute he needs only instinct."
Mary Come up—What flower shoulcl super -
cede orange -blossom in the case of a bride who
sells herself for money ?, Mary -gold.
An editor out West sayshe is so short-sighted
that he -frequently rubs out with his nose what -
he writes with his pencil.
Mankind should le.rn temperance from the
moon—the fuller she gets the shorter her horn3
become. •
A voice conies from Washington,. Territory,
-saying, "Send us wives V .And a thousand un-
happy Benedicts respond, " Take ours 1" •
A laborer in an ice house down East was killed
by a large lump of ice falling on him. Verdict of
the jury : "Died of hard drink."
A young man charged with being lazy was ask-
ed if he took it from Ms father. think not,"
was the reply ; "father's got all the laziness he
ever had.' ,
On a tombstone in a churchyard in Ulster is the
following epitaph : "Erected to the memory of
John Phillips, accidently shot as a naark of affec-
tion by his brother." •
It is- said that the reason there are so many
mutton -heads in existence is to be found in the
that fact such a number of children are "perfect
little lambs."
Love—What is love ?—A nuisance to every-
body but the parties concerned. A private af-
fair which. every one but those concerned wish.es
to make public.
Geology—Scientific Pedestrian : "Do you find_
any fossils here ?" • Excavator: "Dunn° what
you calls vossyls,' We finds nought here, but
•
muck and 'a.rd. work."
• Josh Billings is of the opknion that a great
many persons spend so naueh money hunting aft-
er righteousness that they have none left in
which to practice it. •
A man is said to be absent-minded when he
thinks he has left his watch at home and taken it
out of his pocket to see if helms. got time to re-
turn home to get it. •
From an old Military h.p. Man—Why laze the.
volunteers like Nelson ?—Because thelast thing
he did was to the for his country, and that is just
about the last thing they'll do.
What is the difference between an accident
and a misfortune ?—If yourpressing tailor were
to fall into the river; it would be an aeeident ;
but if anyone were to pull him out, it would be a.
mistortune.
A gentleman , asked a little girl what it was
that made a person feel so when another tickled
him. "1 suppose it is the laugh creeping tover
him," was the instant reply. •
A funny man in Alexa,ridria, Va., the 'other
evening, bade Ms wife and chileren good-bye, tel-
ling thenT that he was. going to Ell hinitelf. He
then jumppd into the well of an old ice house in_
that , localtty, but crawled through aedry dram.
that opens on the side of a' bill near by, and.
watched with delight the efforts of a, large crowd_
which soon collected to fish him out of the bot-
tom of the well. .
Some years ago there'll!' ea*in an Eastern town.
an old man- who had a propensitY for "hooking"
small and portable articles that came in his way.
As he was poor and past labor; and well known
'about the town, no -further notice was taken of ,
specalations than to keep a sharp look -out when
he was around. . A dealer had a quantity of dry -
fish landed on the wharf at an hone too late to get
them into his store, and, as he was abdut cover-
ing them with an old sail -cloth, lie espied old B„,
apparently reconnoitering- "Here -33. I must -
leave these fish out here to -night, and fwill give.
you these two if you promise me -that yo_u_will.
not steal any." That is a fair offer, tilr-
,,, with a &lee at -the of-
fered fish and then at the piles think 1 vim