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Home My WebLink AboutThe Huron Expositor, 1870-09-09, Page 12, 1870. PC>3.R, and all rai or, ONT . MEN, HON e HATS trn s LATEST • RrST RE a THE HOUSE'. AMPBE,LL. 54— inenT! !.F.,SIRE TO :INFORM :.THEY HAVE COM - THE HO E Door South of , and near- & 'M eMulkin's, ,ET • TZ, perienee in the Best M a- ning them- ost ex - WORK T TLY GUARANTEE FACTION LOW PRICES as are OOD WORK. IE SL WILLIS. Y AND PROMPTLY 14. 140 eels. Stock of U G S ALS combs, Haer, Tootle -ranch, English, , can. UFFS he best qty. Medicines powder. carefully and acc LUMSDEN. FOR SALE. r sale a large Frame Village Lot on the iat Church, Seaforths Lk en in exchange- Av.. X,- MeAn RUM. 112.6m • WM. F. LUXTON, "Freedom in Trade—Liberty in Religion—Equality in Civil •Rights". • EOM& &,PUBLISHER. VOL. 3, NO. 40, •-•••• • • •••., SEAFORTH, FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1870. - WHOLE. NO. 144. , BUSINE8S CARDS. — -MEDICAL. 11 TRACY., M. D., Coroner for the County of • Huron. Office and Residence --One door' East of the Methodist Eeiscopal Church. Seaforth, Dec. 14th, 1: : 53-ly 11C. MOORE, M. D., (Graduate of McGill , university, Montreal,) Physician, Surgeon, &a. Office and residence Zurich, Ont. Zurich, Sept. 7th, 1870. 144 TT L. VERCOE,- M. D.C. M., Physician, Sur- geon, etc. Office and Residence, comer of Market and etc.,, Street, immediately in rear of Kidd & McMulkin's Store. Seaforth, Feb. 4th. 1870. - 53-1y. TAR. W. R. SMITF1, Physician, Surgeon, etc. Office, --Opposite Veal's Grocery. Resi- dence—Main street, North. Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1863. 53-1 y JCA.MP13ELL, M. D. a M., (Graduate of Me- • Gill University, Montreal) Physician, Sur- geon, etc., Seaforth, Office .and. Residence—Old Post Office Duilding, up stairs, where he will be found by night or day when at home. Seaforth, July 15th, 1869. -- 84-1 y ---- — LEGAL. inei F. WALKER, Attorney -at -Law and So - k „ licitor-in-Chancery, Conveyancer, Notary Public, &c. Office of the Clerk of the Peace, Court House, Gode ' h, Ont. t, N.B.—Money tod at 8 per- cent on Farm Lands. . I Ceoderich, Jan'Y. 28. 1870. 112-1y. and ers. Agents Houses A-T7CAUGHEY K. ,B.--$30,000 Seaforth, & HOLMSTEAD, Barristers, Attorney. at Law, Solicitors in Chancery Insolvency, Notaries Public and Conveyanc- Solicitors for the Be C. Bank, Seaforth, for the Canada , Life .Assurance Co. to lend at 8 per cent Farms, and Lots for sale. Dec. 14the-1868. 53-tf. BENSON- & MEYER,, Barristers andekttorney at Law, Solieittp in Chancery and Insolv- ency, Conveyancers, Notaries Public, etc. Of- "ficese—Seaforth and Wroxeter. Agents kr the Trust and Loan Co. of Upper Canada, and the Colonial Securities Co. of London, England. Money at 8 per cent, no commission, charged'. TAS. m BENsoN, . IL W. NvviEYER. Seaforth, Dec. 10th 1868. s 53-ly ' DENTAL / • .4 , ,e-esesee ,.:• G . W. HARRIS, L. D. S Arti- ficial Dentures inserted with all the "ismaa latest improvements. The greatest care taken fur the preservation of decayed and tender teeth, Teeth extracted without pain. Rooms over Collier's Store. Saeforth. Dec. /14, 1868. ly. , , i 1 ( 1 1 I 1 I a 1 •s 1 0 1 f b 4, ' n 1 1' fin ir e, la 11 t( lo tIA, ,u( 11.1 a H 8 0 _ re "e e f ha et' co fie rei d r, a 1 HOTELS. COMMERC1AL ROTEL, Ainleyvill , James Laird, proprietor, affords first-class accom- modation for the travelling public. The larder and bar are always: supplied with the best the markets afford. Ei;cellent stabling in conneetion Ainleyville, April 23, 1869. 70-tf. -TT ONX'S HOTEL (LATE ..SHARP'S) The un - IX. clersigned begs to thank the public for the liberal patronage awarded to him in times past in the hotel business, and also to inform them that he has again resumed business in the above stand, where he will be happy to have a call from old friends, and many new ones. r • i - THOMAS KONX. 1 r Seaforth, May- 5, 1870. 126.-tf. i JR. ROSS, Proprietor New Dominion Hotel, s begs to inform the people of Seaforth and the travelling community generally, that he keeps first-class accommodation in every thing required by travellers. A good stable and willing hostler always ou hand, Regular Boarders will receive e every necessa.ry attention. • Seaforth, Feb. 8th, 1869. 63-1y. BRITISH EXCHANGE HOTEL, 0 onER1011, ONT., J. CALLAwAY, PROPRIETOR ; `,.T. S. WILLIAMS, (late of American Hotel, Warsaw, N. Y.) Manager. This hotel has recently been new- ly furnished, and refitted throughout, and is now one of the most cemfertable andcommodious in the Province. Good Sample Reams for Commers 64 Travellers. Terms liberal. ' Goderich, April 14, 1870. 123-tf. MISCELLANEOUS. SHARP'S LIVERY STABLE, MAIN ST., 5 BATOR TH. First Class Horses and Carriages always on hand at reasonable terms. R .L_ SHA,RP, Propzietor. Seaforth, May 5th, 1870. 3--tf. ' N 0 MAILL & CROO10E, Architects, ete. Plans 0 and Specifications drawn correctly. (Yarpels- ter's, Plasterer`e, and Mason's work, measured and valued. Office--OVer J. C. Dctlor & Co.'s store Court -House Square, Goderich. Goderieh, Apri123, 1869; 79-1y. • • joi G & NV. McPHILLIPS, Provincial Land Sur- .. veyors, Civil Eneineers, etc. All manner -re, et Conveyancing done with neatness and dispatch. G. McPhillips, Commissioner in B. R _Office— Next door south of Sharp's Hotel, Seaforth. _ Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1868. . 54- ly . ch BHAZLEHURST, Licensied Auctioneer for 8111 . the Carl T1 tIl r a 1L.w'..1. 1-1 ieular attention paid to the sale of Bankrupt Stock. , Farm Stock Sales attended on Liberal Terms. Goods Appraised, Mortgages Foreclosed, Landlord's Warratts Execute4. -Also, Bailiff .First,Division Court fcr Huron.- G oderich, Jane 9th; 1869. 76. tf MOTHER, HOME AND HEAVEN. . — In the holy hush of night, mother, a vision came to me In floating robes of silver light, and whispered 'me of thee, I felt a soft kiss on mth y brow, like at which you had given, And heard those dear words in my ear, ol Mother, Home and Heaven. It whispered me of by -gene hours, of your sad eyes arid mild, And how you parted bathed in tears, from me your wayward child, And how we talked 'nearth the moon's clear light* on that fair cloudless ev'n And how I vowed I'd ne'er forget my Mother • Home and Heaven. . „ ,But all too soon I woke, mother—the radiant sha- dow fled, And bitter were the sighs I heaved, -incl bitter tears,' Shed. That it was all a baseless dream, that from the : eye was riven, And mine was but a visien wild of Mother, Rome • ande Heaven. But I will strive, iny mothee dear, to keep my childhood's trust; 1. Atul when thy sainted form is laid beneath the . hallowed dust, I'll kneel upon that sacred mound, and pray to be forgiven, - That I may soar, when death shall come, to Mo- • ther, Home and Heaven. NAPOLEON IN OLDEN TIME. - (From the.New York Woild.) A few years ago it was announced through the newspapers that a present of a golden chalice had been sent by Napoleon III—the Emperor of the French—to the Rev. Mr. Cavin, of .Hoboken.— Many no doubt care but little to inquire the mo: tive of this freak of generosity—expression of gra- titude it should be called.L, The ruler of France, no doubt, doubt, has warty faults, but a lack of grati- tude, since he has obtained means Acd showing it, cannot be fairly imputed to him. • Since rising to his Present dazzling position, he has never been unmindful of benefits received. in the hour of ad- versity, and of this the above nientioned present is an instance. It was sent to the good father in return for his kindnesses and hospitality receiv- ed at his hands in the swampy town of Hoboken, seken Napoleon was a wanderer in America, poor and comparatively friendless, not knowing often where to get a bed or breakfast, in the unhappy days of his youth, long before the coup d'etat, when he was plain Louis N. Bonaparte. The good Catholic priest of Iloboken can even now in hie declining' years be made to light up and spar- kle into something of the bygone French Vivacity of his youth when the name of Napoleon III. is xnentipned. He has many anecdotes of the mo- dest and somewhat taciturn young man—even thence) fond of smoking—whcim he received often at his house, who often sat at his board and drank a bottle of his modest claret, before imported wines reached the exorbitant figure they have to- day. The writer has often seen the French Em- peror riding on horseback with his guard, an open barouche with the Empress, or sauntering apparently alone in the gardens of the Tullieries. What a contrast—the bile -colored, tobacco -strick- en, pallid countenance of the ruler of '70, with the reins of on Empire in his hands, and that small gray, Isasionless eye, that never gleamed or bi•ightened, 'sod seemed capable of but one ex- pression, and that as if it were never looking at anything near, but straining and peering at seine- teing in the distance—the heavy, long nose—the heavy jawed, sensuous, but clever mouth-_--thesquare, rather low forehead—the long body—big aborer's hands, the stumpy bowed legsand small feet—the square set of the shoulders, to which a short thick neck attaches a head covered with au - urn hair—what a contest to the young man who pent so many years of his life wanderer and an utcast in Anierica. And yet the man has chang- d hat little in reality since he ascended the hrone ; and instead of speaking of contrast, we ould perhaps note more marks of similarity be - wean Napoleon III. of the Tullieries and Louie N. Bona.parte of Hoboken: 'He was then as now, aciturn with strangers to an embarrassing degree, ut with any with whom he was intimate a‘nd hose confidence he relied on, he was as free of peech as need be. He was never even then ithout his cigar or cigarette, and was fond of raoking on the streets, 'or in a ramble on the ergen Heights. One of the greatest privations f his royal a imperial stets is that which com- as him on so many occasions during the day to rego his cigar. Of his own 'Will it would never e out of his mouth. He lived in Hoboken at a time when Hoboken ad not obtained its present dimensions, and did ot even seem likely to rise at any time from its. uiet ducklilse rest on the sea shore, to expand s wings over the swamp to the hill beyond— hen in fact it was a mere village and nothing ore. His abode was for many years on Bloom- eld street—or what is now Bloomfield street— quarters of Ile pretensions to aristocracy or en gentility. His room was em the attic of a rge frame building, the first basement and first or of which was occupied by stores and the in- rvening stories by mechanics, boarding and agrng. The room looked to the east. There were no ic6rations on the wall but such asekise plain ards. a,fforded, and no fureitire excepr a small n bedstead, three chairs—two small ones, and ind of armchair, in which he sat when he wrote. is wardrobe was of the scantiest material, and rnetimes he presented as sorry a specimen of eely gentility as you need look at, in .worn-out d thread -bare coat. How he succeeded in ap- airing the wants of the inner man was a mys- y that soon attained solution in the neighbor- od, when he was seen under cover of night to al out and buy some loaves of bread at the ad- ing bakers. He always managed --how, few ld tell—th have a good bottle of wine in his ni and. never be out of tobbaco. Ah! this eterate smoker—nephew of his uncle—in this pect, too, how different from the man who w the smoke from the Persian ambassador's lbook into his stomach, and was laid up for eek in consequence of that solitary attempt at coking. He was the very best customer of a 1e Alsatian c man, narned Sanglor who kept a tobacco store opposite him, and many a discussion took place between them. Napoleon, who, is, perhaps, in temperment the least of a Frenchman, of all men to -day living, seemed to take huge delight in drawing out his excitable neighbor on topics that were likely to excite him. It was amusing to see even then the quiet mas tery with which the young controller of men, be cause controller of -himself, preserved his empir in disscassion with -his :vehite-headed but highly irascible opponent. Of alithings under the sun M. Sanglor loved the exiledikarbon finsilte an though he could not hide the,little Corporal wh had done 80 much for France, yet he found much difficulty in reconciling his love for thel3ourbons with the hero of Lodi and the conqueror of Aus terlitz. And the contradiction in which he involved himself so unwittingly gave intense- amusement to the quiet young man, who puffed away at his pier ivith iearcely a change on his countenance, Tkve thrbept a gleam of laughter lighting up the small exPreSsionless eyes. He inherits, we imagine, a little of his uncle's Inaptitude for the languages—though not his contempt for men of letters and literary pursuits. Perhaps in his younger days, with the great Na- poleon, he would have passed for one of these " mangeurs de mote" whom he fee heartily de- spised. • '' He was then, as now, fond of billiards, and many an old table in Hoboken, renovated and re- dressed and repaintedeean claim the honor of hay - in rolled balls inipelled by his cue. - e was then, as he has ever since continued, a very hard student—ne•ver letting dissipation in- terfere with -his reading and writing. Of the lats ter he has done a visit deal inhis lifetime, and has had a good deal (witness his life of aesar) done for him, and 80 'skillfully retouched that it would readily pass for his own. And it is no easy mat- ter to imitate his style, so terse, epigrammatic, and telling. His worst enemies as a ruler (sheer - fully conceded his merits as la writer. In fact it would lse impossible not to admire his pointed and brilliant way of saying things, in his speeches procla,mations, and in fact every thing written by himself. He is, it is true, the most laborious cerrector of manuscript—except, perhaps, niers —in the French empire. As many as twelve or fifteen times.hes a word been put in or left out, a. sentence remodelled or altered, without satisfy- ing the Emperor's literary taste. During his stay in Hoboken his pen was not idle a whit more than it has been since. During his stay in Hoboken, and in fact near- ly all his wanderings,- he most assiduously kept a diary in which not only the most leading occur- rences of his daily life are noted down, but in which every reflection of importance on govern; ment or war that passed through his mind, or came under his notice, are most carefully noted down: Mere gossip, Boswellian, &c., are most carefully eschewed, or rather omitted, because • possessing no interest for a man who, when un- certain as to where he should get his breakfast, found a more pleasant topic of thought in plan- ning out an empire than in listening to the crav- ings of an empty stomach. Besides his "jour- nal," he was an incessant exponent of l'iclee Napo- leoiei.ane in newspapers, magazines, and reviews— nay, even in books. He made it the rule of his • was the predestined ruler of France. • He has clared repeatedly in his moments of - confide e to men here on whose word most implicit relia can be placed, that he was sure that 'at some t , a Bonaparte would be again ruler of France, d that he was that Bonaparte.' He set himself o work laboriously to train himself for his desti as if he was already governing Frauce. One his favorite books in English was 'Adam Smi and of our American writers and statesmen entertained a very high opinion of Hamilton In truth, one of his favorite walks was to famous dwelling -ground. at Weehawken, wh. •-Hamilton fell in his encounter with Burr. Washington he never could be found to entert a very high opinion, end this, perhaps, is singular. To his subtle and scheming, if brilliant mind, there could benothing very gr in a man like Washington, whose greatness of character. not of intellect. At the time was, or pretended to be, a most thorough -go • Republican—and we hardly think it fair to qu • tion the honor of his then professions in view his subsequent changes of opinion and. condu No one denies or attempts to deny, that he w as fond of Women then as he is now, even in old age; but libertinism was never coupled svi too deep ,potations, as in Bismarck's universi and wild oats days. Of cards, he never w fond, and is not to day fond. of the insane frea of dissipation related of his rival, perhaps becau his blood never ran hot for high enough. short, bowed legs always gave him an ungracef carriage on foot, besides making him appear, he is by reason of these same legs, a short-siz • man. On horseback he is rather graceful th otherwise, the length of his body giving him air of tallnes. An attendance at one of the balls, which the Emperor and Empress in perso generally, would do more to make one laugh the style of His Majesty than witnessing a hu dred Boulogne expeditions. His ungaitily figu was never calculated to go curveting among t most graceful swells and the most beautiful w men in Europe round a ball -room. And, in fac in that well-bred, handsome crowd, • a mil which is broad enough to be distinguished fro one of approval, often goes round at his expens Good breeding alone has often prevented it fro being a 'smile out loud,' as the down -easter pleased to call a horseslaugh. On these occasions it is easy -to see what a ti• umph Eugenie—most graceful of dancers—enjoy in the commotion she elicits, doubled by contras with the awkward figure Cut by her luisband. And we believe the cold bltioded PassionlessLou cares but little for it as an amusement. Thong very generally invited into society here, he se dom or never danced. In fact, he seemed to car little about ton or respectability. His objec seemed. More to be a desire to study life in ever phase in which he met it, and he had not th slightest hesitation in associating with all and every class.he met. Lying in bed late in the morning is not a luxury that the ruler of France in the nineteenth century could well indulge in, and from his boyhood Napoleon. has been such an early riser as if he were impressed in the highest degree -with the truth of the old rhyme— " Early to bed and early to rise, Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." A long stroll through Hoboken to the Elysian Pields—over the ferry to New York—an ascent up the hundred stairs to that part of Jersey City called Washington village, then a beautiful and extensive wood—There are many living who can relate the pleasure of having enjoyed it with him, great delight in telling of it. and in ,view of actua.:4;,),:d coming. events take _Singalar Pompelian Statues. de - nee, nce ime and to ny, of th,' he the ere Of ain not not eat was he ing es - of a. as his th ty as ks se His til as ed an an se n, at 11 - re he 0- e, ni e. is ie li1- life when not in exile to spend two or three hours daily in writing, and carried it out with the per- tinancity of purpose that characterizes him be- yond all men ofhis age—a pertinancity that could not be shaken by defeat, or, what is harder to bear ridicule. In proof of this we will, by way of digression, be allowed to tell an •anecdote which did not occur in Hoboken, or on the Jer- sey shore anywhere, but for which we can vouch. After the affair at Boulonge, with its supremely ludicrous termination, if not hiception, Napoleon returned to London, and, instead of hiding him- self away until the storm of laughter had blown off, lie showed himself at all his old haunts with the utmost unconcern. Within a fewdays, even, he had the audacity to show himself at the pub- • lic theetre, and at the very theatre—the Princess —where some members of Louis Phillippe's fa, II -lily were in attendanceeto witness 'Der Freis- chutz,' in company with the Queen of England. Lonis's appearance in the :theatre, where he was well known, was the signal for a, giggle which soon broke out into loud and uncontrollable laughter. Nothing daunted, he marched up the middle aisle with as much dignity and compos- ure as if the admired- of all admirers, and took a reserved seat directly opposite the royal party, French and English. Now, by a cool etroke of Louis's policy, this seat lied been taken in ad- vance, with a- full knowledge of the probable events of the evening—his late fiasco getting him laughed at, and the Orleans at the theatre join- ing in it, if he should come there. • Louis took his seat, the observed of all observers, if not the a,cimired of all admirers, and in such a place was his seat reserved as gave the audience, from pit to gallery the best opportunities for 'observation. — The laughter subsided, and the music went on.— After a while the laughter was renewed, if not so loudly, at least as umnistakably as when our hero first put in an appearance. And this time the tables were turned, and the faces in the royal box were flushed with annoyance. There, direct- ly in front of them, as immovable as a stone, sat the 'nephew of his uncle,' his jaw at such an angle as gave them and the audience every op- portunity for noticing its solidity and the luxur- lent moustache finely waxed, that waved down from his upper lip; and, in virtue of the place he had selected, it was impossible for any of the royal party to look from their beer to the stage without their vision embracing the spectacle of the Napoleonic jaw in all it •massiveness, sur- mounted by the Napoleonic nose. • During the entire performance of the opera that jaw never moved from its position or expression, and so odd did it look in its inaniqvability, that by . degrees it began to excite more laughtel. than 'Weber's music inspired attention; and the audience, glanc- ing froni the jaw to the royal party, made it so •iinpleasant that they left the theatre completely discomfited. The story spread through London, and almost made people forget the eagle of the Boulogne expedition that failed to operate ac- cording to expectations, and the other ludicrous incidents of that most short and disastrous cam- paign. There are many old,residents of Hobo- ken, and even of Hudson County, who remember him quite well, and there are several •French - families in Hoboken with whom he often lived.— They delight juSt now to recall incidents of his ways, his sayings, and his doings. You can find none of them to speak of him as other than a young man calculated to win the respect, if not the love of all with whom he came in contact. -- If, as has been alleged, he was never known to say an angry word in his lifetime to any one, his urbanity yhen he was young was something- ex- quisite. Ordinarily taciturn, when he entered in- to conversation it was done with such an appar- ent frankness and abandon as to win all hearts. And then there was nothing at all of that self as- sertion, which, at many times, has been found so disagreeable a trait of his uncle. On one thing all agree, and that is his outspoken belief that he During the eruptions of Vesuvius, which de- stroyed the ancient city Pompeii, those who de- layed too long in making their escape fell victims, for the most. part, to the pernicious effects of sul- phuric and carbonic acid gases, and were rapidly .emvered by-theshowerof fine dust following the erup- tion which, gradually hardening, -formed perfect molds of the unhappy beings who so miserably perished, from which admirable casts are taken, showing their forms, features, expression and at- titude when overtaken by death. At the begin- ning of the excavations little attention was paid to the natural Molds, onlya few having been par- tially cast and preserved, the most remarkable of which were those of a husband, wife and child, the husband at the moment of death pressing tightly -to his brea3t nineteen pieces of gold and ninety-one pieces of silver, which were found fixed to his ribs ; the wife had let fall a coarse linen cover, in which were found fourteen brace- lets, gold rings, ear -rings and jewels of less im- portance. It was only, however, in1863 that M. Fiorelli had the happy idea of filling those natu- ral molds with a peculiar solution of plaster; by which process the victims are reproduced in their integrity. The first group reproduced was composed of a man, a woman and two young girls, who had re- mained within doors until too late; wheu they attempted to escape by the windows or terrace, they were suddenly asphyxiated, and covered by the dust, which faithfully preserved the contour of their forms. In 1868 a body thus reproduced was that of a man who lia,d fallen face downward, whose countenance was the very iikage of despair and suffering—his clinched teeth and clasped hands eloquently expressing the agony he had en- • dured. Next in interest is the form of a woman who had fallen on her back, whose right hand leans upon the earth, her left hand raised, as if trying to ward oft danger. To aid her flight, she had raised her vestments. Her form is tall and elegant, her admirably arched foot incased in strong sandals, being a favorite subject of study to artists. On one of her fingers is a silver ring, while near her were found gold ear -rings, a silver mirror and an amber statue representing Cupid: Her hair in the front forme three rows of ringlets and falls, plaitedover her back in the manner of the Voitaire perrugue& A remarkable group of three persons has been admirably cast, which is in the highest degree in- teresting. A man of tall stature and. powerful build, with strongly marked features prominent • cheek bones, heavy beard moustache, is the principal figure, he held in his hands the ear- rings of the two young girls who followed him, ana the key of. the house, and looks the beau -ideca: of an old Roman legionary, Over his head he had thrown the corner of his mantle for protec- tion against the noxious gases or the falling dust and cinders, the expression on his face and that of his two daughters being suggestive of suffixation. There is something touching in the spectacle of the two sisters who followed their father, .in the precise attitude as their fell, supporting each other, breathing the same poison, and -dng en- twinid in each others' arms. Both ofthc figures are, o beautiful forms ar.d priiportions.—Apple- knee Journal. VARIETIES. Smoking carriages—engines. Clerical loans—Lent sermons. A Blacking-brush—A nigger fight. A lost art—family government. Convivial statuary—Animated busts. A star of the evening—A policeman. Court-plasters—Awards for damages. Terrible Form ' of Rheumatism--Bar-room-a- titin. Does a ship only wear barnacles when she goes to sea? • Can a. baby be called a 'screaming farce ? I wean it may. New readi4 of an old proverb: A,sey.,0 sew so shall ye rip. To Amateurs—A comic wig can never "make up" for bad acting. Be satisfied with things as they are; take the 'crust with the Crumb.• People who live by making jokes are generally very poor jokers.' • For what port are you bound during courtship? Bound to Havre. • Why is Lord Overstone like bell -metal ?—B cause he's a „Lloyd with tin. Why are persons fatigued like a wheel—Be- cause they ere tired. • < Women are like flowers, a little squeezing makes them More fragrant. • Modesty in women is like color on her cheek— decidedly becoming if not put on. '1 can't bear a fool," said a lawyerto afarmer. " Your mother could," replied_ the farmer. Why is a river the laziest thing in creation ?— Because it is never seen out of its bed! • A fool asks have perfumed playbills been found to answer' Certainly they have—they always give a scent. Why is a married man like a candle ? Because he sonetiines goes out at night when he ought not to. • If you want yourneighbors to know all about you, give a party, and don't invite the folks that live next door. Miss Prim, of doubtful age, said she is a fortthat • never will surrender. We are afraid she is tote well forty-fied. 9 • The red men wear rings in their noses. The white men do not, yet many of them are more easily led by them, • Carlyle writes to a friend that he is neither a. Pantheist or Pottheist ; but his style sometimes shows he is a strainer. . • The rich man should remember that his fortune will some day be rendered useless.to him by the mere cast of a, die. As "richeit are apt to take to themeelves wings,” we presume this is why people are always hawk- ing about them. A resident of New Orleans has recently swal- lowed six false teeth, and now bolts hisfood and takes the risk of the teeth doing the chewing, A lady who was not a Shakesperian scholar, hearing the "Merry Wives ofWindsor" highly praised, inquired how many wives Mr. Windsor had. To any one who can say "Shoe3 and socks shocks Susan" with rapidity and faultless pro- nunciation, four times runnmg, a large reward will be paid- ° An exchange notes, as the most " harrowing " sight it ever saw, the spectacle of a gentleman in a dress suit Of black harrowing in the field with a • tall plug hat on. Persons who prefer stale bread ban have their taste gratified by sending to Pompeii, where -they have loaves which were baked over eighteen hun- dred, years ago. , • The sharp youth who was exhorted to rise ear- ly, because his brother by so doing i had tound a purse, replied that the _fellow who lost it must have risen earlier still. During an examination a medical student was asked the question, " When does mortification ensue V replied, "When you pop the question and are answered 'No." My son," said_ an old lady, "how must Jo- nah have felt when the whale swallowed hirer' "A little down in the mouth, I suppose," was young hopeful's reply. Eloquence—The power to translate a truth in- to a language perfectly intelligible to the person to whom you speak. All poetry and prose must be written in the language of the people. A little boy having broken his rocking horse the day it was bought, his mamma began to scold, when he silenced her by inquring what is the good of a horse till it's broke. A:Pennsylvania fanner writes to his country papers that he cured his daughter of the Grecian bend by pouring water on her, and holding her out in the sun until she warped back again. • A cautious look around he stole— His bags of chink he chunk-- • And many a wicked smile he. mole- - And many a wink he wunk The fol ng conundrum was cooked twen- twenty raCnutes to make it sufficiently hard : What i* the difference between a donkey and the only empire in South America? • The one brays well, the other Brazil., ' < An intelligent gentleman from Germany, on his firs i visit to an American church, had a con- tribution box with a hole in the top passed to him, and whispered to the Alecto; "1 don't got IniAenbladklPeyprrs;inancipdalcaonflavscoteho2' ol, in her advertis- ment, meetioned her female assistant and the "reputetion for teaching which. she bears,' but the printer left out " which ;" so the 'advertise- ment went forth commendingthe lady's "repu- tation for teaching she bears.', A gentleman, whose nose had become distinct- ly colored with the red wine he was wont to im- bibe said one day to his little son at the table; "you must eat bread, my boy: bread makes your cheeks red." .*The little boy replied, "Father, what lots of hived you must have snuffed up." Short and sWeet—An actor, on being caliedout on his benefit night, said, - "Gentlemen, as it is a modern custom to make a speech on a ben- efit occasion, at your call I appear. I could net with 'Ladies and mgeakntelei:linlot supsetoecmhe, czioasimnencing IalnPubourelica8Peakichere--ng'' &c. But theere ell flummery Y Ihaveyour.nighmont.,, money. I am satisfied, I hope you are.G•od