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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron Expositor, 1870-08-12, Page 1[IUST 5 1870. ahotil& not. arid we T reiIace-1* With an- enture, Is it not oCCUTred to proper- etor of the property inst the Corporation ? the drain and gave an heir cellar, but neglect we are called upon ape $3,000, as $1, -5tones over the dep ded principally iri. that unjust to the other in- • ha-Ve: 'dug drains in died tiPon to construct int& Their should be 4 By -Law s once enact- estly, and heartily en- ney spent in the streets :heir permanency and. vetsareproperly water- / look along Main St., adapted in it, where does as he pleases with 'oar frontage, but will her village or town, is dsof water, more slash ming fromthis cause, re should be no torpidi- L making the streets ai being hillocked from id m-acl, and those neat individuals doore who ke one. _Every house s for wilioh- there are compelled to sink the ns orproperly construct - • our muddiness arises ail there is a system se of expending money. t the water-tabIe shaU awe fom the sidewalk. Week six feet. nine high- road, and sixteen from Vote your thousands to 4 afterwards let every i -six months there will be , It is the °pillionof mdengineers, that the Uffieientgravel, and if rater -tabled to allow the e (and that would riot niiich raoney, and pre - ranee. Indeed- the them- hink so themselves, as he ieking petite water, the propensity to awn - • We do, not want hen $.20G and a little iere have not -been $30 terigh .Street, notwith- amtribnte statute labor ncl business men prcod- qnota- of tax, as well zar.reirients, there was a and a- gravel walk made DX per rod, -where as ie market, for planking sd,, and will Soon decay, • expended in making a f persons liviws outside ;polity, but sufficiently ES business advantages of the 1-)orrowed money .4 reporting side -walks are pulled up. A re- waperty holder, t� lay other part of the ail- tage, labor, nails, is lost ' this -upou a condemned ec. mortgag•ed $4,000, to minge. .:cesae is over $.2;00.0,, it ble amount of:improve- a it goes to pay day e so mach. Is the good tender. or private con - le to the Corparatien? irconte is spent in daily rod deal of inimiera-ant a months). one fifth of sver $2,000-, and as it II to pay off oar annual Ows, we will have less annual improvements, (direct taxation). It r the ratepayers to vote 0 for fifteen years. Yours truly, ',s,e- - assiaV A'• ) :<-4-?.A-V. -'72-;:i:., . .. 4 e.,e.e7.-esa.....e..--...e ti,et,1()1.43-re SE -FORTH. 0;I'POSITE, OTE "*. Uhl intimate to the in-. th and • surrounding m hand a large stock of STUFF They kr(ler for all kinds of aade up by experienced est styles: - a tiret-elass Carriage LY'ATTENDED TO. T DERagE. & 87..4k 11.1-.tf.. RE -HOUSE 1- TO RENT. fel- Kale, or to Let, a: IN STORE -HOUSE, -1 shels. _with horse gram * sittuLted on the t -rand k side of the railway 4 U-LII.7$ cri0. 139— iTRAY 9th Concession Ilib- ly, one BAY MARE, I shod on right front IARE, with white strip t white, and a spavin information as to their nkfully received by thDLIN e rded. Staffa P. O. WM. F LUXTON, -VOL 3, NO. 36, "Freedom in Trade—Liberty in Religion Equality in Civil Righten EDTION & PUBLISHER. G BUSINESS CARDS. MEDICAL. RTRACY, M. D., Coroner for the County of . 'Huron. Office and Residence—One door , East of the Methodist Episcopal Church. Seaforth, Dec. 14th, 1868. • 53-ly TT L. VERCOE, NI; D. C. M., Physician, Sur geon, etc. Office and Residence,! corner of Market and. High Street, immediately in rear of Kidd & McMulkin's Store. • Seaforth,' Feb. ,ith. 1870. 53-1y. TeaR. W. R. SMITH, Physician, Surgeon,' etc. j Office,—.Opposite Veal's Grocery. Resi- dence—Main-street, North. Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1863. 53-ly j- CAMPBELL, M. D. C. M ..(Graduate of 31Ic- - . Gill' University, Montreal) Physician, Sur- geon, etc. -,--Seaforth -Office and Residence—Old ,Post Office Building, up stairs, where he -will be 'found by night or day when at hone. Seaforth, July 151h, 1869. 84-ly LEGAL. - 141F... WALKER, Attorney -at -Law and So - • • . heitor-m-Chancery, Conveyancer, Natary Public, &c. Office of the Clerk of the Peace, Court House, Goderich, Ont. N.B.-_—•Mmiey to lend -at 8 per cent on Farna Lands-. Goderich, jaify. 8. 1870. 112-1y. IT,CAUGHEY & 110Ia STEAD, Barristers, _Al Attorneys at Law, olicitors in Chancery and lnsolveacy, Notaries Public and Conveyance ers. Solicitors for the R C. Baark, Seaforth, Agents, for the Canada Life Assurance Co. N. B. —830,000 -to lend at 8 per cent. Farms, Houses and Lots for sale. Seaforth, Dec. 146, 1868. 53-tf. • SEAFORTH, FRIDAY, AUGUST 12, 1870. WEEN I MEAN TO MARRY. BY JOHN GREGORY SAXE. When do I mean to marry? Well, 'Tis idle to dispute with fate; But if you choose to hear me tell, Pray listen while I fix the gate. When daughters haste, with eager feet A mother's daily toil to share; Can make the puddings whichlthey eat, And fix the stockings that they Wear. When maidens look Upon man, As in himself what they would marry. And not as army soldiers scan A suties or conuraissionary. When gentle ladies, WhO have got, The offer of a lover's hand, Consent to share his earthly lot And do not mean his lot of land, When young mechanics are allowed To find anc1 wed the farmers' girls, Who don't expect to be endowed With rubies, diamonds, and pearls ; "Goad. for them," another remarked, "Their fortunes are as goodas made." I lingered around the place, -listening to other .observations that were made upon the well and its lucky owners, andfmally returnedto the shan- ty and lay down on my hard bed with a feeling that was something like envy. I dreamed all night of oil wells, and awoke in the morning with '.a resolution. that I would own an interest in one of them before dark. • As I passed the spot where I had stopped the night before, on my way along the productive lands, I walked over to the -well again. The pumping was going on as before'and the oil came out in 'great streams into the . tank. I watched it for a few moments,. With that kind of fascina- tion which the victims of the oil maaia generally felt, and was turning away with a sigh when my shoulder was tapped by one of the proprietors, the little fellow who had talked so glibly the night -before. "A pretty good well, sir' " he said. "1 don't see any reason why it wontpump like this for years. , . . "I should be satisfied 'With it if I owned it,' I said. ' • . . " Wouldn't yon like to purchase a share of it ?" he asked, rather coaxingly. - I looked at his face, with the thought that he was quizzing me, but he appeared to be perfectly serious. Seeing that I was in doubt as to his meaeing, he pointed to a printed bill posted on the derrick, which I hati not before seen, although it was in staring capitals. Without giving the exact contents of it, it will be sufficient to say -that it offered for sale the one-half interest inthis well for -ten thousand. dollars ; the offer to stand for one week only. -. - "Are you in earnest about this ?" I asked, feel- ingsomewhat startled, and somewhat as if my. chance had come. • _ " Perfectly in -earnest, l'm sorry to say,' he re- _ plied.' "I've tried hard enough to avoid.. it, but I'm driven to it. It is my half that is offered for only a trifle over•what I have expended here. In . a few minutes More I could easily realize ten thou- sand dollars out of this oil; but I can't wait. My house and lot in Buffalo are to be sold on a _mortgage in one week from to -day, and I can't bear to have them sacrificed, as I know they will be. The property- is worth more than the sum I offer to sell out here for ; but if I am not there it may sell for one half of it. So you see I must sell this interest. It grindsine to do it, but for rea- sons I can't speak of to -a stranger ; it is better on the whole, for Inc to lose the fortune that is pour- ing out of this well than my homestead." "Your partner might - buy ..you out," 1 siig- gested. "Aad glad enough Would I be to do it," spoke up the tall man, corning just in time to hear my remark, "if I had the means. But I haven't. Like poor1red, here I've spent my last dollar in nery to ru it. If it wasn't for -the good pros-- r putting dos n this Well and getting the machi- pect ahead, I believe my boarding-honse keeper would have turned me out two weeks ago. But I'm better off than my partner . I've only to hold pn and gather the gold that's coling in -while he must sell." My mind -was half made. I walked up to.. the spot where the oil was gushing out of the pipe at every stroke oftehe pump, and looked at it as if it were already' my own. A - small crowd had again gatheredabout, and such exclamations as ." great thing," "lucky fellows," "here's a for- tune, sure," greeted my ears. . . . . "Do you think of purchasing about here?" one ofthe owners asked,' following me up. . I answer- ed in the aflirmative. " Thenihere's your chance, sure as you're a liv- living man !" the other enthusiastically cried. 'I_ tell you, sir, there's no mistake about it—this is one of the most promising plac.es on the creek, and you can pump out an independent fortune here in a few months. ' If I had the money, I'd not hesitate a minute, and as I haven't, all My interest in the sale is to help poor Fred out of his trouble. I rather like your looks, too, and I'd prefer you for a partner than some others who have been here looking at the well. If you've exci got the cash," and he looked hard at me, " you'd • the better buy." . "1 have got.the cash," I replied. "Good! You're just the man for Fred; and, if you take his offer it'll be like giving you fifty thousand dollars. Corne up. to the Office, and let us talk it over; there are too many people about . , When wives, in short, shall freely give Their hearts and hands to aid their spouses, And live as they were wont to live, • Within their sires' one Story houses ; Then, madam—if I'm not too old— Rejoiced to quit this lonely Me— lt brush my beaver, cease to scold, And look about me for a wife! REPLY. BY A GIRL OF THE PERIOD. Well, clear old fogie, Mr. Saxe, • Tis idle to dispute your fate ; Your beau ideal can't be found, You reached this world a mite too late. $10,000 -HOW MR. RAND SAVED IT. BY JAMES FRANLIN BENSON & MEYER, Barristers and Attorne r* My little story (b ency, Conveyancers, Notaries Public, oto. Of - 3 at Law, Solicitors in Chancery and Insolv- ces,—Seaforth and Wroxeter. Agents for the Trust and Loan Co. of Upper Canada, ' and the Colonial Securities Co. of London, England. Money at 8 per cent ; no commission, eharged. TAS. EL BENSON, n. w. c. MEYER. Seaforth; Dec. 10th 1868. 53-ly DENTAL. G. W. IIA.RRIS, L. D. S Arti- ficial Dentures inserted with all the latest improvements. The greatest -care taken for tile preservation of decayed and tender teeth. Teeth extracted without pain. Rooms over Collier's:Store. Saeforth. Dec. 14,1868. 1y HOTELS. elOMMER01...A.L HOTEL, Ainleyvill , James le) Laird, proprietor, affords first-class accom- modation for the travelling public. The larder and bar are always sapplied with the best the markets afford. Excellent stabling in connection A ialeyville, April 23, 1869. 70-tf. T7- ONX'S HOTEL (LATE SHARP'S) The en- dersigned begs to thank the public for the liberal patronage awarded to him ur times past in the hotel .business, and also to inform them _ that he has again restuaied business in the above stand, where he -will be happy to have a call from old friends and many new ones. THOAIAS K9NX. Seaforth, May 5, 1870. 1126-tf. T R. ROSS, Proprietor New Dominion Hotel, ••begs to inform, the people of Seaforth and the travelling eommunity generally, that hekeeps first-class accommodation in every thing required by travellers. A good stable and :willing hostler always on. hand, Regular Boarders will receive every necessary attention. Seaforth, Feb, 8th, 1869. 63-1y. Tip) RITISH EXCIL.A.NGE HOTEL, GODERICH, _13 , J. CALLAWAY, PROPRIETOR ; J. S. Wreerams, (late of American Hotel,, Warsaw, N. Y.) Manager. This hotel has recently been new- ly furnished, and refitted throughout, and is now one of the most emnforta,ble and commodious in !the Proviace. Good Sample Rooms for Con:liner- eial Travellers. Terms liberal. Goderich, April 14, 1870. 23-tf. MISCELLANEOUS. HARP'S LIVERY STABLE, MAIN ST.; S EaFOR TH. First Class Horses and Carriages always on hand at reasonable, terms. R .14_ SHARP, Proprietor. Seaforth, May -5th, 18,70.. MAILL 1' CROOKE, 'Architects, etc Plans 0 and Specifications drawn correctly. Carpen- ter's, Plasterer's, and Mason's work, measured and valued. Office—Over C. Detlor, & Co.'s store; Court -House Square, Goderieh: Goclerich, Apii123, 1869. - 79-1y. & W. McP1IILLIPS, Provincial Land Sur- • veyors, Enbineers, etc. All manner of Conveyancing done with neatness and dispatch,' G.MaPhillips, Commissioner in R R. Office— Next door south of Sharp's Hotel, Seaforth. Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1868. T S. PORTER, Seaforth, Ont dealer in hides, „ sheap skins, furs and wool. 'Ici%eral advance- ments made on consignments. Money to lend. InsurLnce agent Debts collected. High.est price paid for green backs —Office east side of Main Street, one door north Johnson ° Bros'. Hardware Store. 122-tf. 110 HAZLEHURST, Licensed Auctioneer for .1). the Countsr of Huron. Goderich, Ont Particular attention paid to the sale of Bankrupt Stock. Farm Stock Sales attended on Liberal Terms. Goods Appraised, Mortgages Foreclosed, Landlord's Warrants Executed. Also, Bailiff First Division Court for Huron. Gcxlerich, June 9th, 1869. y (bean r. Rand) will illus- trate the imprudence, not to say _folly, with which e of men will often act when under the influenc ,some great controlling passion, such as the expec- tation of great gain. And it w-,11 also illustrate how mea may redeem themselves from the conse- quences of such imprudence or folly by prompt and decided action. , The facts briner me back no great distance in my experience ; Only to the spring of 1865. The _great Pennsylvania oil fever was then at its height fabulous stories were told and printed of men re- alizing hundreds of thousands in a day by tlie simplest speculation in lands, and many of my friends around me were converting their business into cash, ,and departing for the theatre of finan- cial excitement. The fever soon overtook me, and yielded to it. I was at the time the senior of two partners in a large and flourishing country retail store; 1 was prospering, and . had just are rived at the point where I Could begin'to lay up money. - I was thirty-five years old, with a dear good wife and two little children, whom I loved,' as I still do,' -better than myself. My home was to me the inost beautiful and attractive spot. on earth, .anc1 a month before I had determined to go to bee oil regionz, I could not have been persuad- ed:that anything on earth in the shape of terap- tation could win me away from it. But in this case the tempter attacked me at the weakest point "Go now," my fancy whispered to me, " while their is a chance, this golden harvest will not last long: Venture boldly ; tint in a few thousands and make a cool half million ; it has been done more than once, and you are as quite as likely as any one to do it again. When you have done this, your family as well as yourself will be above all the chances and risks of trade, independent for life. It is your highest duty to g6." I prevailed upon myself to think that this was so. I broached my plan to my wife and several of my best friends ; they all opposed it. They reasoned that it was better for mei to- stay here, with a certainty of fair profits, than to go into oil speculation and risk all that. I had. Very true in the abstract, I allowed • but I had got !myself 'to thinking that I conlh not fail. No crazy gainbler or speculator ever expects to , lose -his money ; they are continually hoping for good luck', and the hope amounts to an expec- tation. So with rae. My interest in the busi- ness was worth fifteen thousand dollars easily, On hurried sale it brought twelve, and in order to realize the cash in hand, I was compelled to re - dupe it to ten. These figures will show how in- sane upon the subject I had become : and yet my condition was no worse than that of hundreds of others. - With a sad but hopeful farewell to my family and friends,, I was off for the oil regions. I lad to pass through Buffalo on my, zway, and there I stopped over one train, to get my draft for ten thousand dollars exchanged for a bank certifi- cate of deposit for the same amount. Then, with the certificate safely. stowed away in the leather bill book which I always carried in my inner breast -pocket, I went on to Venago. arrived at one of the new oil -settlements in the evening ; and after camping down all night on the floor of a shanty,- for the lack of better ac- commodations, I sallied ant the next morning on a prospecting tour. Whichever way my steps turned I seat- a crowd, a tumult of anxious, eager men like myself, hurrying about or gathered around some well where was flowing. the precious green fluid. Nothing was talked of or thought of but oil, and everybody seemed watching for pro- mising speculations. I went about all the day, observina the ways of the place, and toward 0 night I tuned my steps back to the shanty. Be- fore I had reached it, my attention was attracted to a group of men who stood a few rods from the path, and I went out of my way to join them. I found that they were standing about the machi. nery of a new well which was Pumping a steady stream into a vat. . "Fifty barrels to -cry !" exultingly exclaimed a dapperlittlefellow, with a huge moustache and an unmistakable city cut to his clothes. Ile was standing on the platform of the derrick, above the crowd, as he spoke, and seemed to be expatia- ting on the vvell. 'Fifty barrelsi since sunrise ! Not a flowing well, to be sure ; but the pump brings up the oil in a steady stream, and its my opinion that it'll last as long as any well on the ground." "It's done splendidly," said another man • a tall dashing fellow who was emphatically pufing a cigar. "Theni's the two owner's of it," said a man at 76.tf, my elbow. wHoLE No. 140. "Let me see,", said Fred, and I laid the cate on the table. ."Oh, that's all right !" claimed, as he read it. "I know the offi that bank, and they'll pay me on your e ment." The other party—my future partner—t dashing fellow, came and leaned over shoulder, and looked at the certificate. bent his face lower, I saw a most rascally ter smile diffuse itself all over the whole c nance, and my ear caught a word whispere significant emphasis: 'Sold!" Somehow, just at that momentous insta could not fix my thoughts on oil, and money ing, and the business before us at all. I t of Emily and the children at home, and w ed whether it Was better for them that I s part with this money so easily. I looked a two men and their flashy finger -rings and pins, and I did not feel half as znuch like in the bargain as I had a moment before. 'His voice startled me from my abstracti looked up and saw that he had placed the c cate on the table with his finger upon it was holding out a pen to me. "I've written the endorsement—Tay t order of Fred Brown," he said. "Jus your name under that. But Lord bless you, —what's the matter? Your face is white most. You aint going crazy with your good are you ? They both laughed at this sally. "No," I said, darelessly. "Just let me lo the face of that certificate again—so!' and the words I slipped it from under his ling My bill -book lay on the table; I _quickly pl the certificate in it, folded it, and bnttoned i close again in my pooket. The men fell back in blank astonishment, both spoke together. "What's that for ?" "What the devil d'ye mean, sir IP! "I've thought better of it," was my repl "I've concluded not to buy. You may keep assigninent, or give it to some one else. The may be a protita.ble investment—but I think the whole, I'll not take stock in it. They saw that I was in earnest, and two rier men I never saw in my life. Fred—if Was his name—stood glaring at me with the pression of a hungry hyena balked of his p and Dick, the one Who had avowed that he afiaoceii.itereht.in the sale except to help his friie came close up to me and shook bus fist in "You can't come that game on us, my fellow!" he growled. "This trade is all do and that paper is ours. Hand it over, or yo smell these." He shook his fist again. Now their cond confirmed ray suspicions. I was so rejoiced my escape that I believe I could have enga both of them in 'afist fight, if necessary. there was no occasion for it. "Lock the door, Fred," said the fellow who was menacing me. 'We'll see about this chap, pretty quick." "Stop there!" I cried, producing a revolver, and cocking it as Fred started for the door.— "Lock that door and Pll blow youthrough!" • He did stop, very suddenly. My attitude and weapon were what they had not expected. "I believe you are two great scoundrels," I said. "Thank Heaven, I have nothing here yet to bind myself to you in any way; and I cer- tainly shall not now." I arose to my feet, with the pistolin my hand. "Now, I am going to leave this shanty, and if any one offers to prevent. tnihee'reit. (we ill be the worse for him. Look out certifi- he ex- cers of ndorse- he tall Fred's As he sinis- ounte- dwith nt, -I -mak- .ought onder- hould t the breast airing on; ,; and o the t put man al - 'luck ok at with aced. t up and y. -- your well , on ang- that ex- rey; had nd, my fine ne, u'll uct at ged But Not a hand wdA raised; no violence whatever was offered. They stood quietly aside while I walked out; and I did: not .put away rny pistol until I had put a safe distance between myself aria them. - I went straight down to the well, and found a great commotion in the crowd gathered there.— The pump was still working, but the oil had stopped running. By this time I was pretty well ted, and mounting the platform, I secured attention of the crowd, and gave them a brief account of my experience with the proprietors of this well. They listened with manifestations of. angels, and when I had don9, a dozen voices rose at once. "These fellows owe me ore'n five kindred dollars, for work," one cried. "And me two hundred for .board." "And me fifty for hoss hire," &c., &c. "Let's find the d ----d rascals," some one sug- gested; and a rush was instantly made for the shanty. They were ten minutes too late; both the men had gone, leaving behind them the evi- dences of a precipitate flight. It was well for them that they were not found; their swindled creditors were angry enough to soak them in their own vat. , Some of these creditors attached the property that afternoon, and then the whole swindle was exposed. The man in charge of the well was one of the victims, and he did not hesitate to expose the fraud. As it now appeared, the well had not been put down more thali thirty feet, and, of course, not a drop of oil had been reached. Four barrels of oil had been purchased, and brought on the ground in the night, and this was actual- ly kept running through the pipe out of the spout, and back again from the barrel, by means of con- cealed pipes. Of course, the humbug was in hourly danger of detection, as the crowd was in- creasing and becoming more curious; hence the haste of the two sharpers in pressing the negotia- tioni. I,em ained in this vicinity less than twenty- four hours after that. I began to see that I was hardly keen enough -to cope with the rascals of the place, who were looking for just such men as myself. Perhaps •I might have made a for- tune if I had staid, but I did not feel like trying. Of corusie, I knew that such adventures as these were in large minority; but I began to get sick of the place, and thought it best to retire with my money in my own pocket while I could. I sur- pxised and gratified myfriends by my early return, and went back into business with _the unpleasant thought that 1 had sacrificed about five thousand dollars in my haste to try the experiment of oil - speculation. Never mind; I have more than got it back again, and with it an experience which will, I trust, keep me clear of all such dangers in ttohnefbetutroelrides.. a briesequel sequel to this story, that ought si ted Auburn State Prison, less than a year ago and saw the convicts at work, clad in their parti-colored suits. One of them glanced up as we passed, and instantly dropped his eyes again. That glance was enough; spite of his close -cropped head and his showy costume, I recognized the person who has figured in this page by the name of Dick. The warden told me here." , I walked with them to the shanty that they occupied, and wentin with them, almost persua- ded at that moment to make the investment. Everything seemed Straight ancl honest about the matter; I had seen the well and the Oil, and there was no chance for deception about that, and the man's reasons for selling were perfectly satis- factory. In fact, I believed I began to have some pity for him on account of the hardship of the case, and to wish that I had a thousand or two morethan he asked, to offer him. And then the fact thaethe other partner—Dick was the name that he answered to— was to remain and work his interest, was the best kind of guarantee of good faith. - If I had any lingering doubts or fears on the subject When I entered the office, they shortly dispelled them. We sat around the rough pine table, littered over with papers. Fred produced -a bottle of wine, Dick some excellent Cigars, and the proceeded to entertain me. But no one need imagine that ,I became intoxicated ; the wine was a light sparkling kind that merely exhilarated, and when we had finished it we sat and smoked, while Fred's tongue ran on describing the profita- bleness of the investment with all the glibness of a Bowery Cheap John: F.; as satisfied before he had talked ten minutes. ten raore I threw away the stump of my cig .- " Show me your title. Satisfy me about your rights here, and I'll buy the one-half interest at the terms you offer." • They immediately produced a leas e of the. pre- mises for one hundred years, which I exammed, and which was undoubtedly correct. I had seen other leases made by the same proprietor, and I knew the signature. , "I don't mind telling you what that cost us" said Fred, with a laugh. "Just twenty-five dol- lars! We took it when there had been no oil within half a mile ofhere, and got it cheap enough, as things have happened." He asked my name, and in half a minute he had filled up a blank assignment on the back- of the paper, and -signed it, transferring to me his one-half interest m the well and lands for ten thousand dollars. He held it so I could read it and I saw that it was sufficient. I took out my -bill book and produced the certificate. "This is payable to my order,' I said. "I don't km* how you will get the money. Who'll identify you?" - that he was in for ten years, for forgery. Mr. Fred, I have not heard from, but if be is not in that penitentiary he is in some other—or will be. And I don't think it wrong in me to hope that in their cases the governor will exercise the pardon- ing power very discreetly ! VARIETIES. Discretion in speech is more than eloquence. The bow of a ship is no evidence of its polite- ness. - 4,fine coat may cover a fool, but never conceal one: A -Pass-word to Scotch Tourists--Ke-cran- kie, Why is a tirea man like an umbrella? Because he is -used up. Whoever owes a shoemaker can't say that his sole is his own. - When is an original idea like a clock? When it strike8 one. Promissory notes. —Tuning the fiddle beforethe performance begins. • The way to treat a man of doubtful credit is to take a note of him. Why is a mosquito like a railroad? Because it fastens on the sleepers. What a pity that COM111011 sense, for want of use, should become UneOMMOn. Experience is a pod teacher hut he generally charges ex: hiavagantly for s lessons. ti If a tailo agrees to put braid on' a coat -does he always consider the agreement binding , , Medical4uery.--"Virhen. a person declares that o"uhtis? brain is on fire," is it etiquette to blow it One for the topers—A drunkard's face has been described as -a "cluster of carbuncles, with a ruby scenter." - • "Were you born in wedlock ?" asked a lawyer examining a witness. "No, sir, answered the'as, man, " I was born in Ohio." John, why don't you stop crying and go to sleep? What do you want? I've got the toothache -- that's what I want. It is the man who determines the dignity of the occupation, not the occupation that measures the'dignity of the man. A little girl. *anted to py that she had a fan, but had forgotten the name so she described it as a " thing to brush the warm off." "A real gentleman," said an Irishman one day, "is one -that never earned a haporth for himself or anyoe belonging to- him." "W14, Tom, my dear fellow, how old you look." 't"Dare say, Bob, for the fact is, I never was so old, before in my life" Anthony Throllope says- novel writing is to be learned like any other "trade," and he is "ap- prenticing" his son to it. "Eve did not know as much as her daughters of the present day. Had they been in her place, in- stead of being deceived they would have deceived the devil." "Tak' notice," shouted the Inv-erary That the boat for Glasgow will sail on Monday morning, God. willing and weather permittin', or an Tuesday. whether or -no." A Paris banker showed Demidoff a pm of mall- chite, and asked whether it was not beautiful.— "Very," said the prince; "1 have a mantlepiece and a door made of the same." "One might have heard a pin fall," is a prover- bial expression of .silence; but it has been eclipsed by the French phrase, "You might have heard the unfolding of a lady's cambric handkerchief." Break of day..— "Come, husband, said the wife of a note -shaving Stock Exchang,e bear, "it is time for us to get up; the day is breaking." Well, let it break; I don't hold any of its pa- pers." Somebody, describing the absurd appearance of a man dancing a polka, says: "He looks as though he had a hole in his pocket, and was try/ ing to shake l a shilling down the leg of his trows- ers." "The most miserable man I ever knew," wrote the late Mrs. Jameson; in her common -place book, "had twelve thousand a year." There is a good deal of consolation for misera.bIe dogs in that remark. A family at Ripon, Wis., contains thirteen girls, and no boys. The father says when he was young girls were scarce, and he suffered from alackoffe- male society, and he is going to see if this scarci- ty can't be remedied. A man in Indiana brought suit for divorce against his wife, gained his case, and then applied to her for money to paythe expenses. She gave it to him, and in a fit of gratitude he offered to marry her again, but she declined. • The loss of relish for mirth is a symptom of di- sease either of body or mind; and where it isthe result of the latter,- it will be found to be due, in most cases, rather to evils engendered within, then to troubles that have come from without. A fellow contemplating in utter,- wonderment the _dimensions of a bystander's feet, and in a -tone of astonishment Said, as he -surveyed the man's proportions: "You'd have been a tall man if they hadn't bent your legs so far up." An intelligent youth, recently engaged in com- mercial office,made out a shipping bill for four- ty " barrels of flour. His employer called his at- tention to an error in the spelling of forty. "Sur* enough," replied the promising clerk, "1 left out the gh." A young gentleman of only six was beset by a baby of eighteen months with decided manifests: tions of fondness. "Don't you see, Johnny, that the baby wants' to see you ?" said the mother. "Yes 'cause he tates Inc for his papa," wastefoheellowingxplanatien. Thwas Josh Billings' advice for Christmas week: "Pile hi the harth with beachen wood, Load down the kitchen table, Fill up the old klay pipe, ' And go it while yure able. A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking -cup, with an angel at the bottom. When she filled it for him he used to drink it to thebot- tom and she asked him -why he drank every drop. "B;cause, Ducky, I long to see the dear little angel at the bottom," Upon which she had the angel taken out and a devil engraved in its place. He drank all the same, and againshe,asked him the reason. Because I won't leave the old devil * drop," he replied.