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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron Expositor, 1870-05-27, Page 1AY 20' 1870. OST. the Sth• inst, a Note of aa Coates, and in favour he amount of 1_07,. and :.er date. Said note was McCaughey.. The pub - against purchasing er ne- e. as payment has been THOMAS GILPIN. 570- 123-4ina. RT i‘ PERFECT MGM. aalaIe as perfeetsight, and be obtained by using difficulty ofprocuring aris, Oculists st: Manufacturersof the lectaeles, have after*years- erection. of costly ma - :to produce that Grand Spectacles, tt-hich leave ited satisfitction to the States, Prince Edward's of Canada. during the le Celebrated Perfected eye„ and last many R. Counter, from procured. ' ES, MORRIS k Montrelis, NO PEpLERS. 1870, ' 76-1Y. lemades Cut Outm rny and Taste ND BRpfs., L. R S 0oderich Street. S tship G-aaranteed. MODERATE. DOOR TO "-Drug Store. tr 1870. UTTER. to va-ftimate to the pub- :t*eafortli. for the sale WHITEL ANTS oa IIaWL iVER C, Market Square. 192-tf, 1870. • to Ins-twe ffour ancine- Stock, your -Fiumiture, ir L. 6, to •ATSON MARINE, AND LIFE MERL FOR e Company of Canada adtaa). Ion 'wad 'Globe Insurance (English). utuai Insurance Cornp any. lutual fueurance nal • •Lce Society .of -England, s of the prefits every five ted and promptly settled. sr invited to consult the erfeet security and in the for'insurance on all cle- erty. sae__ 0 LEND terest, and to be re -paid is the most suitable and •ers and others to pay off slots Charges„ and ex- ; -HT ON EQUITABLE ACH INES. hales, for Family Use, as g purpcises, are keptal- `ingle Threaded_ and. Don - Stitch Machinea can be sfaztion guaranteed, and rchasers gratis. J. WATSON'S Insurance gMachine epat, North. :87a, 121-- WM. F. LUTON, " Freedom in Trade—Liberty in Retigion—Equality in Civil Rights". > EDITOR & PUBLISHER. VOL. 3, NO. 25, SEAFORTH, FRIDAY, MAY 27, 1870. WHOLE N�129. BUSINESS CARDS. MEDICAL. TRACY, M. D., Coroner for the County of Huron. Office and Residence—On door East of the Methodist Episcopal Church. Seaforth, Dec. 14th, 1808. • 53-ly TT L. VERCOE, M. D. C. M., Physician, Sur- . geon, etc. Office and Residence, corner • • of Market and iligh Street, immediately in rear - of Kidd &111cMulltin's Store. • Seaforth, Feb. 4th, 1870.- • 53-1y. TAR. W. R. SMITH, Physician, Surgeon, etc. Office,—Opposite Veal'sGrocery.- Resi- dence—Main-street, North. Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1863. 53,-1Y -r CAMPBELL, ItIt D. C. M., (Graduate of Me- t) Gill University, Montreal) Physician, Sur- geon, etc., Seaforth, . Office and ,,Residence—Old Post Office Buildi g, up stairs, *here he will be found by night or day when at home. Seaforth, July 15th, 1869. • 84-ly LEGAL. • • F. WALKER; Attorney -at -Law and So - 1 „ lieitor-in-Chancery, Conveyancer, Notary Public, ke. ' Office of the Clerk of the Peace, , Court House, Goderich, Oat. N.B.--.Moiley to lend at 8 per Lands. Goderich, Jan'y. 28. 1870. .112-1y. cent on Farm • /VC AUGHS.,-Y & HOLMSTEAD, Barristers, Attorneys at Law, Solicitors in Chancery and Insolvency, Notaries Public and Conve3ranc- ars. Solicitors for the R. C. Bank, Seaforth, Agents for the Canada Life Assurance Co.. N. B. —.$30,000 to lend at 8 per ceat. -Farms, Honses and Lots for sale. Seaforth, Dec. I4th, 1868. 53-tf. 1DENSON.& MEYER, Barristers and Attlerney -at Law, Solicitors in Chancery and Insolv- ency, Conveyancers, Notaries Public, etc. Of- fices,—Seaforth and Wroxeter. Agents for the Trust and Loan Co. of Upper Canada, and the Colonial Seeurities Co. of London, England: • Money at 8 per cent ; conunlssiore charged.. TAS. IL BENSON, I -I; W. C. MEYER. • Seaforth, Dec. 10th 1868. 53-ly DENTAL. G. W. IL4L1111IS, L. b. S. '7.Airti, ficial Dentures insertedswith all the • latest -improvements. The greatest eare taken, fur:the preservation. of decayed_ and. tender teeth. Teeth - extracted without pain.' Rooms over Collier's Stare. Sea -forth. Dec. 14, 1898. 13a _HOTELS. COMMERCIAL -HOTEL,Ainlcyvill, James ki Laird, preprietor, affOrds first-clasS accom- modation for the travelling- public. The larder and bar are always • supplied with the best the markets afford. - Excellentstabling in connection Airdeyville, April 23, 1869. • 704f. NOX'S HOTEL (LATE SHARP'S) The un- dersigned begs to thank the public for :the liberal patronage awarded to him in times past in the hotel business, and also to inforn theni that he has again resumed_ business„in the above stand, where he will be happy to have a call from old friends, and many new ones. • THOMAS KNOX. Seaforth, May 5, 1870. 126-tf. TR. ROSS, Proprietor New Dominion Hotel,. „ begs to inform the people of Seaforth and the travelling community generally, that hekeeps first-class accommodation in every thing required by travellers. A good stable and willing hostler always on. hand, Regular Boarders will receive every necessary attention. Seaforth, Feb. 8th, 1869. - 63-1y. -DRITIS1-1 EXCHANGE HOTEL, (1 ODERICH, _LI O., J. CALLAWA:Y, PROPRIETOR ; J.; S. WILLIA.MS, (late of American Hotel, Warsaw, N. Y.). Manager. This hotel has recently been new-- ly furnished, and. refitted throagliqut, and is now one of the most enrafertable and commodioua in th•e Province. Good Saanple Room e for Commer- cial Travellers. Terms liberal. • Goderich, April 14)- 1870. 123-tf. MIScELLANEOUS. HARP's LIVERY STABLE, MAIN TS.' SEAFORTII. First Class Horses and Carriages • always on hand at reasonable terms. R SHARP, Proprietor. • ,Seaforth, May 5th, 1870. • 3-tf— MAILL &.CROOKE, Architects, etc. • Planaa 0 and Specifications drawn correctly, Carpen- ter's, Plasterer's. ancl Mason's work, measured and valued. Office—Over J. C. Detlor & Co.'s store, Court -House Square, Goderich. Goderich, April 23, 1869: 79-1y. & W. McPHILLIPS, Provincial Land. Sur- veyors, Civil Eii5ineers, etc. All manner of Conveyancing done with neatness and dispatch. 0. McPhillips, Commissioner in B. R. Office— Next door south of Sharp's Hotel, Seaforth. Seaforth, Dec. 14, 1868. S. PORTER, Seaforth, Ont.''dealer in hides, . sheap skins, furs and. wool. Liberal advance- ments made on consignments. Money to lend. Insurance agent; Debts collected, Highest price paid for green backs. —Office east side of Main Street one door . north Johnson Bros'. Hardware Stor•• 122-tf.e. 1111) HAZLEIIURST, Licensed. Auctioneer fo IA,• the • County of Huron. Goderich, Ont Particular attention paid to the sale of Bankrupt Stock. Farm Stock Sales attended ons Liberal Terms. Goods Appraised, Mortgages Foreclosed, . Landlord's Warrants Executed.. Also, Bailiff ' First Division Court for Huron. Goderich, June 9th, 1869. 76- tf, • .A.OROSS THE RIVER. BY MRS. P. L. HARVEY. am standing near the river— They tell me it is death; Its breeies, cold, and chilly, Fan me with their icy breath. There's a mist above its waters, Which stretches to the land, • Where it casts a sombre shadow • O'er the margin where I stand. • I am drawing nearer, nearer To the dark descending brink, And my flesh begins to tremble, Though my spirit -does not shrink, For I know, across the river, • Lies a valley green and fair, • Where the pure and holy wander:— aan longing to be there. • I am weary, weary living • In this cloudy atmosphere, • • Where the brightest eye thataparkles .• Is no stranger to a tear. But across the river yonder Where the pure and, holy stray, • By the hand of the Redeemer, Every tear is wiped away.' Here are faces bright and Winning, Though the heart is full of guile; And the foe who would deceive us • First allures us with a smile— In the land across the river, • Which I now in spirit view, • On the fee& of the holy, There are tmiles—but they are true. • Here how often I have parted With the friends I love•the most— - Here my choicest vase is broken, Ancl my iarest treasure lost; In the country of the holy • In the land of endless day, There my friends will never leave me, NOT my treasures know decay. • I , an drawing nearer' nearer, • But I shudder notnor start, . TlIough the billows lave my footstep; And the cold spray china my heart ; I bare my pulseless bosom • To the cold and ruthless wave, • For the faith that nerves my spirit Bids defiance to the grave. . • Now a light gleams o'er the waters, From the bright ancl holy land,, And the King in• all his beauty, • Swiftly leads me by the hand ; The sting of death is over-- Ealthly friends—a long adieu-! _ I a.m passing o'er the river, • With the holy laud in view. THE FALSE FUNERAL I never liked my uncle's bum' ess, though he took me when my father flied, and brought me up as his own son. The. good man had no children. His wife was long dead ; he had an honest old wo- man for a housekeeper, and a flourishing business in the undertaking line, to leave to somebody; but he did. not leave ja to me, and I'll tell you the reason. . • When I had been about five years with him, and had grown worth my salt, as .he used to say, a death occurred in our neighborhood, which Caused greater lamentation than any we heard of since my apprenticeship began. The deceased gentleman was a Mr. Ellsworthy. The family had been counted gentry in -their day. I shoulcl have said my uncle lived in York, and all the World knows what.Yorkshire families are. Well the Elsworthys were of good family, and very proud of it, though they had lost every acre of an old estate Which had belonged althea' time out of mind. I am not sure whether it was their grand- father's dice and cock -fighting, or theirfather,s go- ing surety for a friend, who did something wrong in a government office, that broright them to this poor pas; but there was no house :in all York where Candles went further, and tea -leaves were betterused up. There was a mother, two sisters, and a cousin who lived with them. The mother was a stately old lady, never seen out of a black brocade. The sisters were not over young or handsome, but they dressed as fine as they could. The,cousin was counted one of the prettiest wo- men in Yorkshire, but she walked with a crutch, having met with an accident in her childhood. Master Charles was the only son, and the young- est of the family ; he was a tall, handsome, dash- ing young man, uncommonly polite, and a great favorite with the ladies. It was said there were some red eyes in the town when the story got wind that he Was going to be married to the Hon- orable Miss Westbay. Her •father was younger brother to the Earl of Harrowgate, and had seven girls beside her, without a penny for one of them; but Miss Westbay was a beauty, and the wonder was that she had not got married long ago, being' nearly seven years out, dancing, singing and play- ing tip-top pieces at all the -parties. tiff -a -doz- en matches had been talked of fot her, bett some- how they broke down one after anoth . Her father was rather impatient to see her o4 sowere her sisters, poor things, and no wonder, or grow '!up as the might, not one of them would the old man suffer to come out till the eldest was disposed of, and at last there seemed something like a certain- ty of that business. Young Mr. Elsworthy and she struck up a courtship. He was fascinated— isn't that the word ?—at an assize ball, paid mark- ecl attentionat the bishop's party, and was be- lieved to have popped the • question at a • pic-nic after Lord Harrowgate, the largest shareholder the North-Eastern bank, got him promoted from a clerkship t..obe manager. It's true hewas some years youirger than Miss Westby, and people said there haden something between him and his • pretty cous. ; but a lord's niece with beauty, accomplis raents, and a servicible connection, does not c theevery young man's way; so t e wedding day was fixed for the fnst of January; and all the milliners were busy with the bride's bonnets and dresses. It was just a monthto come, and everybody was talking of the match, when Mr. Elsworthy fell sick. At first they said it was a cold; then it turned to a brain fever, at last the Drgave no hopes, and within the same week Mr. Elsworthy died. The whole neighborhood was cast into mourning. A promising young man, in a manner the only d.epend.eiace of his family, newly promot- ed to a station of trust a„ncl influence, and onthe eve of marriage, everybody lamented his untime- lyadeath, and sympathized with his bereaved re- lations and his intended bride. I think my uncle lamented most of all. None of his customers, to my knowledge, ever got so much of his sorrow.. When he was sent for in the way of business) it struck me that he stayed particularly long. • The good man could talk of nothing but the grief of the afflicted family—how the mother went into fits,' and the sisters tore their hair—low the cou- sin talked of wearing mourning all her days—and how it was feared that Miss Westbay, who insis- ted on seeing him, would never recover her sens- es. • The country papers gave expression to the public grief. There was a great many verses written about it. 'Nobody passed the house of mourning without a sigh, or a .suitable remark. My uncle superintended -the making of the coffin, as I had never seen him do to a,ny.other, andwhpn the. workmen were gone home he spent hours at finishing it by himself. • The funeral was to set out for the family vault in the Minister church at Beverly, about three o'- clock in the afternoon. It was made a strictly private affair, though hundreds of the townsmen wouldhave testified their respect for the dead by accompanying it all the way. The members of the family in two mourning coaches and the un- dertaker's men, were alone allowed to follow poor Elswarthy to his last resting place, and the coffin was not to be brought till the latest hour. My uncle had got it finished to his mind, bit evident- ly did not wish me to see his work. He had a long talk with Steele and Stoneman, two of his most confidential assistants, in the workshop. af- ter hours, and they went away looking remarkably close. All was in train and the funeral was to take place next day, when, coming down his own stairs—they were rat er steep and narrow, for • we lived in one of th.+ old houses Of York—my • uncle slipped, fell anc broke his leg. I thought he would have gone ikiad when the doctor told him he must not atteiipt to move, or mind any business for weeks to iome, and I tried to pacify him by offering to conduct the funeral with the help of Steele add Stoneman. • Nothing would please the old man; I never saw him so far out of temper before. He swore at his bad luck, threw ethe pillows at his house -keeper, ordered me to bring him up the key of the workshop, and kept it fast clutched in his hand. I sat up with Aim that night, In a couple of hours he grew calm and se4ible, but could not sleep though the house • wasall'quiet, and the housekeeper snoring in the corner. Then he began to moan, as if there was something worse than a broken leg on his mind, and "Tom," said he, "havn't I been always kind to You ?" "No doubt of it, uncle," said I. "Well, Tom, I want you to do me a great ser- vice—a particular service Tom, and I'll never for- get it to you. You know Mr. Elsworthy's fune- ral comes off -to -morrow at three, and they're very high people." • "Never fear, uncle; I'll take care of it as well as iiyou were there yourself," "I know you would, Tom—I know you would. I could trust you with the b.earsing of an earl's coffin; and for managing mutes I don't know _your equal. But there's something- more to be done. Come over beside me, Tom ; that old wo- man don't hear well at best, arid she's sleep - in (1 now, and no mistake. Will you promise me' —and his voice sunk to a whisper—' that, what- ever you hear or see, you'll makenoremarkto may •one living, and be as cautious as you can be about the body? There's no foul play," said he, for I began to look frightened ; "but maybe this leg's tahja,ut,d;lleemiee,n„t sfaoiratia,ki:,Ig on such a business. How - you'll conduct it properly, and give me your so- lemn promise,• I know that You'll never break some -ver, I'm to have three hundred pounds. for it;• and, you'll get the half, Tom, the full half, if promise, and keep it, too,. but you must tell me what it is." , Well, Tom,"—and he drew a long breath--- ," it's a living man you're going to put in that cof- fin in the workshop? I have made it high and full of air -holes ; he'll lie quite comfortable. No- body knows about it but Steele and Stoneman, andayourself ; they'll go with you. Mind you trust no 'one elSe, Don't look so stupid, man; • can't you understand, Mr, Elsworthy didn't die at all, and never had brain fever; but he don't want to marry Miss Westba,y, or something of that sort. They're taking a queer way about it, • I must say; but these genteel people have .ways of their own. It was the cousin that prepared my mind for it, in the back parlor; that woman's an's up to everything. I stood out against having hand it it, till I heard that the sexton of Beverly Church was a poor relation of theirs. The key of the coffin is to be given to him; it will be lock- ed and not screwed down'you see; and when all's • over at the vault—it willbe dark by that time, • for we do not move till three, and these Decem- • ber days are short—he'll come and help Elswor- thy out, and smuggle him off to Hull with his son the carrier. There's ships enough there to take him anywhere under a feigned name." " Could he get off the marriage no easier1" said I, for the thought of taking a living man in a hearse, and hearing the service read over him, made my blood run cold. You see, I was young the,n, here was something more than the marriage In it, though they didn't tell me. • Odd things will happen in my business, and this is one of the queerest. But you'll manage it, Tom, • and get •my blessing, besides your half of the three hun- dred pounds ; and don't be afraid of anything coining wrong to him, for I never saw any man look so like a corpse." I promised my uncle to do the business and keep the secret,s A hundred and fifty pounds was no joke to a young man beginning the world in the undertaking lines ; and the old man was so pleased with what he called my seise and under- standing, that before falling asleep, close upon daybreak, he talked of taking me intopartnership and the jobs we might expect from the Harrow - gate family; for the dowager -countess was near four -score, and two of the young ladies were threatened with decline. Next day, early in the afternoon, Steele, Stoneman and I were at work. The family seemed duly mournful; I suppose on account of the servants. Mr. Elsworthy looked wonderfully well in his shroud, and if one hadtnot looked closely into the coffm, they never would. have seen the air -holes. Well, wesetout, mourn- ing-coachea, hearse and all, through the yellow fog of a December. There was nothing but sad faces to be seen at all the windows as we passed, but when we got out on the Beverley road, the cousin gave us a sign, and away we went at a rattling pace; a funeral never gotoverthe ground at such a rate before. Yet it was getting darkwhen we reached the old. Minister, and the curate grumbled at having to d6 duty -'80 late. He got through the service nearly as quick as we • got over the miles. The coffin was lowered into the vault. • It was more than hall filled with Mr. Elsworthy's forefatherst but there was a good wide grate in the wall, and no want of air. It was all right. The clerk and. the clergyman started off for their homcs—the mourning coach- es went to the Crown Inn, where the ladies were to wait until the sexton came to let them know he was safe out—the cousin would not go home without that news --and I slipped hira the key at the Church door as he discoursed to us all about the mysterious dispensations of Providence. My heart was light going home so were Steele's and Stoneman's. • None of us hired the job, but we were all to be paid for it; and. I must say the old man came down handsomely with the need- -ful, not to speak of Burton ale; and I was to be made his partner without delay. We got the money and had the jollification ; but it wasn't right over, and I was just getting into bed, when there was a ring at our door -bell, and the house- keeper came to say that Dr. Parks wanted to see me or my uncle. What could he -want, and how had he come back so Soon? Parks was the • E1sworthys4 family doctor, and. the only stranger at the. funeral ; he, went ill the second mourning coach, and I left him talking to. the Bexton. My clothes were thrown on, and I was down stairs in a minute, looking as sober as I could, but the Dr's look would have ' Robe/led anybody. "Thomas," said he, "this has turned Out a bad business, and I cannot account for it, but Mr. Elsworthy has died in earnest. When the •sex- ton and I opened the coffin we found him cold' and stiff. I think he died, froth fright, for such a face of terror never saw. ' It wasn't your un- cles fault; there is no doubt he had air enough, but it can't be helped; gild the less said about it the better for all parties. I am going to • Dr. Adams', to take him clown with rne to Beverley. The sexton keeps poor Elsworthy to see if any- thing can be done; and Adams is the only man we can trust, but I know it is useless. The Dr's apprehensions were well founded— Mr Elsworthy could not be recovered, and after trying everything to no purpose, the laid him down again in the coffin withair-holes. The ladies came back, and we kept the secret ; but in less than six months after a rumour went abroad of heavy forgeries on the North Eastern Bank. On investigation they proved to be over fifty thousand) and nobody was implicated but the deseased manager. His family kneW nothing about it; being all ladies they were entirely ig- • norant of banking :affairs; but they left York next, season took a hanitsome house at Scarbo- rough, and. were known to get money regularly s from London. They never employed any doctor. but Parks ; and his medical management did not seem to prosper, for they were never • well; and not one of them • could sleep alone or wi.thout a light in the- room, and an attendant from the private asylum hacl to be got for thc cousin. I don't think the matter ever left my uncle's mind; he would never undertake an odd job after it, and all the partnerships in England would not have me continue in the business, and kin the risk of another false funeral. Knew His BusineSs . A well known clergyman was crossing Lake Erie, sonic years ago, on one of the lake steam- ers: and seeing a small lacl at the wheel, steer- ing the vessel, accosted him as follows :—"My son, you appear to be a small boy to steer so large a boat." "Yes sir," was the reply, "but you see I can do it, though." "Do you think you understand your businers, my son !" Yes sir, I think I do." "Can you box the compass ?" "Yes sir." •"Let me hear you box it." The boy did as he was directed, when the minister said, —Well, really, you can do it Can you box it backwards ?" • "Yes sir." Let me hear you." The boy again did as requested, when -the min- ister remarked, —"I declare, my son, you do un- derstand your business." The boy then took his turn at question asking, beginning,—"Pray, sir, what might be your business ?" "I am , a min- ister of the Gospel." "Do you understand your business ?" "I think I do, my son." "Can you say the Lord's prayer ?" "Yes." "Say it." The' clergyman did so, repeating the words in a very fervent manner, as though trying to make an im- pression on the lad. "Well, really " said -the boy upon its conclusion "You do know it, don't you? Now say it filackwarcls." "Oh I can't do that, of course . • " "You -can't do it, -eh," replied the boy. "Well, then, you See I under- stand my busines a great deal better than youdo yours," The clergyman acknowledged himeelf beaten, and.pamaa • How to Cook a Wife A wife is naturally a most delicious dish, but requtires coanta attention to be kept so. The first taste is always sweet, but.the after taste is the proper criterian of its merits, -which depends entirely upon the cooking of the dish. The great object is not only to make the wife sweet but to keep her So ; this may be accomplished in the following manner :—Obtain an adequate supply of thc purest water of affection with which gra- dually and gentty surround_ her—should the wa- ter become ruffled, a little of „ the original balm of courtship will soon restore it to its usual smoothness. The fire shoulcl be composed of true love, which should not, however be too hot. A few evergreens, such as industry, sobriety, and fondness, are necessary, and. a moderate quantity of the spirit of coaxing and. the oil of kisses , may be added, which gives the whole a most delect- able flavor. Garnish with the flowers of endear- ment and kindness; and you will enjoy the , de- - lights of a dish comparecl with which all others sink into significance, namely—a good wife. aa • ta Fate of the " Boston." The Plymouth Western Morning Nevis says that on the evening of April 23, there was wash- edashore at Peiaanporth, a broken. piece of teak- wood about three feet long and about three or four inches wide. OD. one side it was paintebhie and on the other was rudely inscribed, apparent- ly with a knife or chisel, the following in Roman capitals YOF BOSTON IS SINKING FEB 11 The date was variously read by persons who had ii seen it ; some considering that -the two strokes after "Feb." represented'the Roman notation of two; while other persons held that they are the Arabic numerals for eleven. Of the word " City" all had been broken away except the. lower part - of the letters T and Y. Beneath it there is what looks like a rudely formed capital M, which is supposed may be the initial of the writer's name.. The board is much battered and. saturated. It appeared to have been in the water a considerable time, and was believed to be a genuine sea -waif. It remained in the possession of Mr. Hickey, of the coast -guard, at Perranporth. VARIETIES. A hand to hand affair—Marriage. Notice of raotion—The railway whistle. In a fight, take your friend's part, at a feast, let him have it himself. Widows' weeds show that they are mourning— Any merchant maymake his house a custom house by attending to its duties. . Good for the blues—Go and see the richestand poorest families Within your knowledge. Why is a bakeshop like a druggist' Because they both sell Pi -son things, (pies and things.) A boy in churci thought the choir simg,- "Bo to the Jews the Cassuam stood, and 'awed' and rolled between," in a familar hymn. A summer boarder in 'sa, country village says that at the meeting house they had a beautiful chime of belles—in the entry after the services. A surprise wedding is when a man =allies a woman he closen't know, and wishes he had nev- er known. Who ever heard of a woman with pretty an- kles and. whole stockings complaining of wet side- walks or muddy crossings. "Cuffed, is that the second bell ?" "No, mas- sa, .dafs de second ringing ob the fust bell. We habn't ot no second bell in dis hotel." • An an 0.1 ioneer, in a handbill, advertises for sale a large quantity of oil paintings, "by some of the ancient masters of the day.' "What ire yo1.61oing with my microscope, George ?" "I've been shaving, father, and I want to see if there are any hairs in the lather yet. " An Irishman, recommending a COW, said she would give good milk year after year Without hav- calves, because it ran in the breed, as •she came from a cowthatnever had a calf. "Is that Marble ?" -said a gentleraan, pointing to a bust of Kentuckey's great statesman, recently in a New:York store? 'No • sir, that is Clan replied the dealer. - Sunday School dialogue.—Teacher i " Why was Joseph put into the pit?" - Pupil (who some- times goes to the theatre) : "Because there was •no room in the dress circle." An affected sMger at a Dublin theatre was told by a wag in the gallery to "come out from behind his nose and sina e his sone like other a people." A Western paper thinks the marriage service should be changed to' read : "Who dare take this woman ? " and: the groom will answer, f! I dare." A man was advised to give up a vindicative law -suit, to leave the affair. to God, who would bring it out all righ 4 "I kn-n-now that," said 1. he, "b -but I w -wan t -to attend_ to it myself." A shoddy young lady surprised her mother on returning from a, datiee by saying that she en- joyed the "hugging set to music most bill-134372i— She had reference td waltzing, and why isn't that a good name for it. . Rather Airy.—Mark Twain thinks that •soda water is not reliable for a steady chink. It is too gassy. The next morning, after drinldng thirty-eight bottles, he found. himself full of gas, and as tight as a balloon. He hadn't an. article of 'clothing he could wear, except an umbrella. A student Was under ex -amination once, at the college of surgeons, where an. hypothetical case was submitted, its various stages described, and the mode of treatment required. •At last came the crisis. "Now sir," said Sir A. C., "what would you do ?" "Sir," saii the pupil of Escul- apius, "I would send for you." • Since the story has been told of how Judge Breckinridge married a ,girl whom_ he saw jump over a rail -fence with a pail on her head, all the girls in Orange County are said to • spend their time in witching the road, and whenever they see a carriage approaching with a man in it, they seize their -pails and go for a fence. • tliihiem There emarryizafor beautyJosh Billings on Marriage Marriage iz a fair transaction on the face ov it But thare iz quite too often put-up jobs init. It iz an, old institushun, older than the py- ramid; and az phullov hyroglphics that nobody T can parse. grate moral grip to marriage it is the mortar that ,holds the soshul brieke'to- geand never cliskover their mistake; this is lucky. Sum marry for money, and don't see it. Sum marry bekawse they hav bin highsted. sum where else; thiz iz a cross inatch, a bay and tor - rel; pride may make it endurable. Sem marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, put it iz the strength of the game. _ If marrying for love ain't a success then matri- money is a ded, beet. • Sura marry tew get rid of themselves, and dis- kover that the game was one that two could play at, and neither win. Sum =marry in haste, and then sit down and . think it carefully over. Sum think it careful lust, and then sit down and marry, s Both ways areright, if they hit the mark. Sumari.3r rakes to convert them. This iz a lit 'e risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it. - Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm heavily mortaged. and working the balance of your days to clear oph the raortages. Sum neer marry, but this iz just ez • risky; the disease iz the same with another name to it. The man who stands on the banks shiver- ing, and darsent, is more apt to ketch 1% cold enre iz than him who pitches his head fust bato the river. but few who never marry bekauze they won't—they all hanker, and most of them starve with bread before them (spread on both sides) jist for the lack of grit. Marry yalT is my motto. (, I hey tried it, and. I know what I ara talkin* g yu win a pile, and if yu loze, you don't loze en- abmonatiTi. age is a safe way. to gamble—if ant win nything, only the privilege of living dismally al- one, and soaking your own feet. I re -peat it, in italice, oto-ry yung, Tha,re iz one good excuse for marriage late la life, and that -12-1---a second marriage.