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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Times Advocate, 2007-12-19, Page 14Crossroads 14 Times -Advocate Wednesday, December 19, 2007 WRRC counsellor supporting women in Lucan By Nina Van Lieshout TIMES -ADVOCATE STAFF MIDDLESEX — "He'd grab me, yank me, push me down, call me names, threaten and embarrass me, I was so scared, but he'd never hit me. He wound up once, but didn't go through with it, so I never really figured I was being abused," says one 25 -year-old Middlesex County woman, identified here as Vicki to protect her privacy. Vicki, whose partner had a drinking problem, says, "Even after he got really drunk and started threatening me, and I called the cops, and several cop cars showed up at the house after they ran my boyfriend's name, I still didn't real- ize there was a problem. They definitely did, though, and asked me how I got the holes in my bedroom door. I told them 'my boyfriend was drunk and got mad,' figuring that excuse was good enough," but, "I'll never for get what the officer said, while shaking his head: `If you stay with this guy, I can guarantee this won't be the last time I see you.'" He then handed Vicki a card from the Women's Rural Resource Centre (WRRC) for the Strathroy and Area, an organization providing physical and psychological safety, advocacy, counselling and sup- port for abused women. What Vicki, who had been in her rela- tionship for less than a year didn't know at the time, was that the WRRC would soon become the support she needed to get through her "nightmare." "When I went there, they did a risk assessment on me to determine how much danger I was in with my partner. When I saw the results, although I was in denial at the time, I was scared. I was in a high risk situation," says Vicki. WRRC counsellor advocate Julie Morris, who works out of the Strathroy office but also provides support in Lucan every Thursday afternoon and Ilderton by request, says a misconception of abuse is that abuse is only physical. "Many women don't recognize it if they're not getting beat up everyday," says Morris, adding, "Physical is just one aspect of it. There's name calling, threats, intimidation, put-downs, slam- ming the doors, destroying objects in the home and so much more." "It becomes a psychological prison," says Morris. One person who understands this well is a 41 -year-old woman from Middlesex County, who will be identified as April. April was with her husband since high school and also found her way to the WRRC, even staying in their shelter for a few nights. Julie Morris "I knew about the shelter and had stayed there on one previous occasion for one night. I remember how I felt, embarrassed about it and I told no one that I had stayed there. I didn't think that I belonged there, my husband didn't hit me, he didn't call me names. But he tells me I am stubborn, why can't I just listen to him, I am making things diffi- cult. I am killing him," she says, adding, "There are other ways, more subtle ways of wearing a person down to the point where they feel they can never be happy," explaining that, "There is also undermining, badgering, possessive- ness, jealousy, mistrust, lack of emotion- al support, sabotage, isolation and encouragement of dependency." These are some things April didn't recognize until she left. "He just told me that I was impossible to please, I was oversensitive, I think too much, I worry too much, I don't worry enough, I need medication. I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. Well, there was something wrong — I was in an abusive relation- ship," April adds. One common denominator in an abu- sive relationship is fear, says Morris. Neighbours, Friends and Families (NFF), a Middlesex County Co-ordinating Committee project aiming to end women abuse, is a good place to start if you think a woman you know is being abused by her partner. It is a new campaign raising aware- ness of the signs of woman abuse, so people close to the at -risk woman or abusive partner can help. Although, if supporting an at risk woman, it is important to ensure your own safety too. Some warning signs the woman may show are: • She is apologetic and makes excuses for his behaviour or she becomes aggressive and angry; • She is nervous talking when he's there; • She seems to be sick more often and misses work; • She tries to cover up bruises; • She seems sad, lonely, withdrawn and is afraid and; • She uses more drugs or alcohol to cope. There are also warning signs of an abusive partner: • He puts her down; • He does all the talking and domi- nates the conversation; • He checks up on her all the time, even at work; • He tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed; • He tries to keep her away from you; • He lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities and; • He acts like he is superior and of more value than others in his home. There are also several factors in which an even more dangerous situation could occur, some including: • He has access to her children; • He has access to weapons; • He has a history of abuse with her or others; • She has just separated or is planning to leave; • She fears for her life and for her chil- dren's safety or cannot see her risk; • She is in a custody battle, or has chil- dren from a previous relationship. "Women are more likely to be killed in their own home," says Morris. Morris also says we live in a society where at a young age, women are not always treated as equals to men, and this behaviour needs to stop. "Women are not raised to be domi- nate. The way men are socialized is for the men to be in control. This has hap- pened since we were little girls and boys," says Morris, explaining that com- ments like "you run like a girl," or oth- ers do not help. And says Morris, "Society at large doesn't recognize the impact of abuse within the community. Its impact on the children, on the medical system, on the economy. Abuse is everyone's concern, because it affects everyone." Much of society also doesn't realize why women stay in their abusive rela- tionships. Vicki is still trying to make sense of it. "I think I stayed mainly because I didn't think I was in an abusive relationship. I just thought it would get better and bet- ter, but it never did." She also thought, "It was all of my fault. You know, I made him mad. I shouldn't have said or acted the way I did. Then when he would apologize or do something nice for me, I would forgive him. Now I look back with so much hatred towards him. I hate him and I now realize what he did to me was wrong and honestly if he dropped dead tomorrow, I'd be happy." A 52 -year-old Middlesex County woman, who will be identified as Susan, who was with her partner (a recovering alcoholic), off and on for four and a half years. Susan says, "I'm still trying to fig- ure out why I stayed," adding, "During the last six months of the relationship he fell off the wagon and started drinking When he was drunk he'd get abusive. Then one morning when he was sober, he threw an object at the back of my head, which required eight stitches. The doctor told me if it had been an inch lower, I could have died because I lost so much blood." Susan says that was her breaking point, where she realized he was capa- ble of abusing her sober, too. "He then spent three months in jail on the weekends, and I realized that the alcohol was just an excuse," says Susan. Morris says the main reason women stay is fear. "They don't leave because when they do, they're most at risk." She also says women stay for several other reasons that the community might not understand, including, love, money, status, denial, familiarity, or staying for their children. Morris says the public can help women in the decision-making process of leav- ing by saying things like, "No one deserves to be treated that way. No mat- ter what you say, it's not your fault. There's nothing to warrant or justify their behaviour." Vicki, who admits to being in denial initially of her abusive relationship says, "I guess I stayed too, because I felt that if I left and people found out about it they would look at me differently. It seems there's some sort of stigma attached to being in an abusive relation- ship. But now that I'm out, I'm just try- ing to focus on moving ahead and not looking back. I'm in counseling every week at the WRRC and it's helping immensely." But Vicki has moved on and is now in a healthy relationship. She's battling the post-traumatic stress of her abusive relationship, but is working through it. "I think some people think that after you get out of an abusive relationship, everything should go back to normal, but it's not. I'm more insecure then I've ever been, with myself, my family and friends and my relationship, but I'm happier too, and I know I'll always find continuous support through my family, friends and the WRRC," says Vicki. April agrees, "I am now in my own apartment with my girls. I do find it stressful but exhilarating at the same time. I am free. Free to be me. But who am I? I am still trying to fig- ure that out. I see things clearer now. The sky, the trees...everything, as if I am just seeing it for the first time. I am 41 years old and I have just been born." Susan has also moved on, con- tinuing a "happy and healthy" marriage for almost 15 years. Morris says helping society recognize and stop abuse against women is an everyday battle, but says she thinks it's a battle we can win. "There are options. There are people you can talk to. We encourage women and support their choices." The WRRC offers help to anyone, whether still in their relationship or not. It is a free organization which supports women, no matter what their decision is regarding their relationship. The WRRC assists women and children in abusive situations with, financial, health, employment, legal, housing, par- enting and basic needs. For more infor- mation contact the Help Line at 1-800- 265-5390 or visit www.wrresa.org "I was scared to go there at first. I did- n't want to be an `abused women,' but it was the best thing that could have ever happened to my life. They're there to help, not judge," says Vicki. Exeter Decor Centre closing its doors after 30 years By Nina Van Lieshout TIMES -ADVOCATE STAFF EXETER — After over 30 years in Exeter, owner of Exeter Decor Centre Norma Hooper is closing the doors for good, retiring with mixed emotions. Exeter resident Hooper, who's 78, says she's retiring because she's get- ting older, explaining, "I'm sad, but with less responsibilities, I should be relieved." The Exeter Decor Centre, which sells a variety of items, including wallpaper, paint and other household items and giftware has changed drastically over the years. "It started on the side porch in just a little room with five wallpaper books and a little bit of paint. As of a few years ago, we got as much as 500 wall- paper books," says Hooper. But for Hooper, the Exeter Decor Centre is much more than a business. Hooper says she'll miss the customers and friendships she gained over the years the most. "The people have been good to us. It's been a pretty good little town," says Hooper, adding the store was sup- ported by not just Exeter, but the sur- rounding areas, too. Hooper says the customers have remained friendly over the years, but Exeter's business scene has changed, with several paint stores now in town. Hooper also says she never thought her business would last. "When I start- ed, no, I was never sure I could make it a go." Hooper, who's not a fan of travelling, says she'll likely "spend some time on the farm," when retiring. She also plans to learn how to use her comput- er. Hooper plans to close the store's doors Friday.