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HomeMy WebLinkAboutZurich Herald, 1947-05-08, Page 2Mistaken Identity The shortsighted schoolmaster Was rapidly losing his temper. "You, at the back of the class. What was the date of the signing of Magna Carta?" 9 don't know.' "Well, then, can you tell me what the Gordon Riots were?" 9 don't know." "I. taught that last Friday. What were you doing last night?" "I was out drinking with some friends." The schoolmaster gasped and his face went almost purple. "You have the audicity to stand there and tell me that! How do you expect to pass your examination?" "Well, I don't. You see, I just carne in to fix the electric light." Who Could? The new baby proved to have very powerful lungs. One day his brother, aged five, said to his mother: "Mother, baby came from Heaven, didn't he?" "Yes, dear, answered Mother, The small boy was silent for a moment, then he went on: "I say, Mother!" "What is it, dear?" "I don't blame the angels for slinging him out, do you?" Considerate "How do you get on with Jean- ette?" asked Dick. The ardent young lover sighed. "I started off well," he replied. "I said I was knee deep in love with her." "Sounds all right," said Dick. "What was her reaction to that?" The young suitor grimaced. "She ,promised to put me on her wading list." STUFF AND THINGS "No, No! He asked for a fez not a fizz!" Good English A professor of English had a very pretty secretary. One day his wife, entering his study .unexpectedly found the secretary sitting on his knee. "Eustace," she said, "I ani sur- prised." The professor turned round. "No, nay dear," he said. "We are sur- mised; you are astonished." The Merry Widow It was raining very hard and the children were confined to their class -room during the mid-morning break. The teacher, to keep them quiet, talked to the class on busi- ness careers and asked various children what they would like to be when leaving school. "Please miss, I'd like to be a widow," answered Joan in a deter- mined voice. "A widow!" exclaimed the teach- er. "But why?" "Well miss," replied Joan, "If you're not married, people call you an old maid, and if you are married, your husband bosses you, but if you're a widow, you're just right." A fig Sav=ng A Hollywood dress shop owner met a friend, who greeted hien with: "Joe, 1 hear your shop was robbed last night. Lose much "Some," answered the owner, "but it would have been much worse if the burglars had got in the night before." blow's that?" "Well, yesterday I marked every- thing down 20 per cent." Being Explicit "Madam," rebuked the postman, "T am not afraid on account of your dog but my trousers are frayed on accoum of your doe'." No Restrictions On Food Parcels to Great Britain. There seems to be sonic confu- sion in the rnihlic mind about the rales ghvcriaing fnod parcels to Britain. Under present regulations, we (The Ottawa Citizen) are informed by the United Kingdon Informa- tion Office in . Ottawa, unsolicited parcels of fro' up to 22 pound may be sent to individuals in Britain, and ere • recipient ig not charged duty, does not have to surrender coupon "points" for the goods. '!'here are no reetrictioes nn tli quantity nr amount of any food, within the maximum of 22 pounds. Thus the British Government has removed all the barriers to the i;cueros't,i of - Canadian friends. NE W STARTING GATE USI- ERS IN CALIFORNIA SULKY MEETING � ��.y ��` ��•�k �V S.'�� 4'�`�v Association sulky meeting at Hollywood Park, in..s a �, A new type starting gate, designed by E. M. Smith, Los Angeles'industrialist, ushers in the Western Harness Racing glewoo d, Calif. The gate, split in the middle, straddles the track and is powered by two streamlined automobiles. Love and Business In Soviet Don't Mix Love laughs at locksmiths but it had better preserve a more sub- dued attitude towards the iron cur- tains. The Supreme Soviet has by decree forbidden marriages between Russian citizens and foreigners. It may be regarded as a development rather than a departure. The Sovi- et citizen, man or Woman, who marries a foreigner remains under all the obligations of Russian citi- zenship and the Soviet authorities have in practice done much to dis- courage such matches. Permission for a wife to join her hus- band in his own country has been given in the majority of the few cases where- British soldiers married Russian wives during the war. The outlawry of marriages with all aliens is a more extreme form of the same attitude and as an example of "non -fraternization" can be equalled nowhere else in the civilized world. The time chosen for the promulgation of this sweep- ing decree 'seems curious; is the moment regarded as particularly threatening to the blood brother- hood of the Soviet system? At any rate today's many official visitors in Moscow have been warned in time that they ni.ust not let senti- ment e iti-ment interfere with business. Even if they fall in love with Soviet citi- zens they Hill never be allowed to marry then. DELICACY .A new Canadian cheese with a background rivalling fiction will soon make its bid in world markets. Development was spurred. by the war. Imports of such cheeses as French Roquefort and Danish Blue, ceased when Germany's conquests spread. Canadian markets were empty of these items. One leading cheese manufacturer had long considered the possibility of developing a Canadian product which would make the Canadian Market independent of imported cheeses. He was Simon Labarge, head of the Chateau Cheese divisor of the Borden Company, Ltd. French Roquefort is made from sheep's rutile by a centuries-old for- mula, and is matured in natural caves. The Canadian problem was to develop a comparable formula utilizing cow's milk, and to dupli- cate by mechanical means the ma- turing conditions of the French caves. Into Mr. Labarge's Ottawa office one day walked a Danish immi- grant, Andris Kolding, seeking a job. He was born near Copenhagen, and is a trained cheesemaker, and was a voluntary refugee. Before long Kolding was on the Chateau payroll, engaged in labora- tory research. New ' formulas were worked out, artificial "caves" were built, a brand new manufac- turing cycle evolved. The result was a new cheese with the proper- ties of French Roquefort and Danish Blue ---it's a "blue" cheese. Trade -named "Bltifort" it caught on at once. • I;, F PRESS House and Lot Most G.I.'s would be satisfied with their lot if they could get a home built on it. —Milwaukee Journal. Maybe a Raise Paris has a guillotine for sale at $S40. And no buyer is likely to stick out his neck and ask for a cut. —Ottawa Citizen. Far More Dangerous Never do things by halves. A man half drunk behind the wheel of a motor car is far more danger- ous than one who is dead drunk. —Guelph' Mercury. Five Freedoms "It will soon be picnic time again, and no doubt some picnic parties will think the Four Freedoms are: Slashing trees; breaking bottles; leaving farm gates open; littering the ground with paper, cardboard plates, drinking cups and the re- mains of a meal."—Toronto Star.' To say nothing of the Fifth Free- . don: Leaving .live ashes to causee destruction by fire. Kingston Whig -Standard. Answer to Prophets The unmistakable facts are that the Soviet Union is not planning war, that even if it was, it is .in , no state to wage it, that it is even more afraid of an attack from the United States than the United States is from it, and that those who' talk so insanely of the 'next war' are the very people who un- consciously are doing most to pro- mote it, —Ottawa Citizen. Still Fighting Looks as if the big powers are going to spend as much time fight- ing each other over Germany's future .as they did fighting a war to decide Germany's future. -Woodstock Sentinel -Review. Scotland Protects The Golden Eagle A reward of £10 is to be offered for every golden eagle's eyrie from which the young are able to fly safely, says The Edinburgh Scots- man. This is part of a scheme for the protection of the golden eagle in the Scottish Highlands which has been undertaken by the Association of Bird Watchers and Wardens at the invitation of the Royal Society. for the Protection of Birds. The Association of Bird Watch- ers and Wardens are also about to , begin a scheme for the better pro- ` tection of such birds as the white- tailed eagle, osprey, kite, honey buzzard, hobby, and march and hen hammer, - Rewards of from £3 to 110 are to be paid to gamekeepers or others for the rearing to maturity or fledg- ling state of any of these seven species on their lands and beats, and compensation will be paid for proved damage to poultry and game by these birds. Sounds Logical If louses are lice And mouses are mice, Would you say that a guy With two spouses- bad spice? —St Thomas Tithes -Journal. Apparently Russia hopes that Britain and the United States will make substantial loans to Germany, so that Germany in her turn, will be able to make reparations to Russia, Surely we have had enough experience of that kind of financing. —Niagara Falls Review. Too Dear A society has been formed with the object of abolishing the word "dear" from business letter saluta- tions. If it would abolish the "dear" from prices, it would be doing something worth while. —Toronto Star. Billion Is A Lot Of Folding Money . During the war years, govern- ments spoke of money in terns of billions. The New York municipal council has just received its first billion dollar estimates in history. The United States Government budget for the current, year is $20,000,000,000, and when Dominion Finance Minister Abbott presents his statement soon, he will probably talk in ten -figure amounts, com- ments the St. Thomas Times - Journal. It is hard to visualize a billion in dollars, and when legis- lators pass measures of legislation costing that amount without Hauch discussion, we wonder if they ever envision what one billion dollars would look like, and how long it would take to count them. * * * Iced Earthworms Shipped By Plane To Save Platypuses A duckbilled playtpus is a queer critter, One of evolution's left- overs, it is an otter -like animal, fur. bearing, with a tail like a beaver. It has teeth when it. is born, and horny, bill -like plates when it . grows up. It hides within its four ankles a poison apparatus. And strangest of all, the female is egg - bearing. It lives in water part of the time and burrows in mud the rest, feed- ing on aquatic insects in the first instance and on food such as earth- worms in the second, says the Sault Daily Star. But if it is queer, it also is very valuable in zoological eyes. Its sole habitat is the rivers of Australia and Tasmania, and it is a very deli- cate creature which rarely survives captivity. New York's Bronx Zoo, for instance, has not had a platy- pus since 1922, when it managed to keep one alive for 40 days. * * * So when word reached the zoo that three which the director of Australia's Healesville Sanctuary for platypuses was bringing to the Bronx were running short of food as their ship neared the Panama Canal, it called for action. The action involved .digging up 10,000 earthworms—a platypus ap- parently gets sufficient calories for subsistence from 800 earthworms a day—from their cool haunt in the basement of the lion house at the zoo, and shipping them by air to meet the platypus-carrytng steamer. The earthworms, although they ' have nothing much to look forward to, are being very tenderly treated.' They are packed in moss, and also iced, for an overheated earthworm mildews, according to zoo officials. And mildewed worths will not do for precious platypuses. A Columbus University ratan figures it out this way: Count out 1,000 dollar bills and stack them on a table. Count out 000 more stacks and you have $1,000,000 on the table. It would require 1,000 such tables to make $1,000,000,000. How long would it take to count out all that dough? if you worked eight boars a day, without resting on Sundays or holidays or taking a vacation, and planked• down one one -dollar bill a second, it would take 105 years. In other words, if you were told you could have ' $1,000,000,000 if you counted out the money in • dollar -bills, you simply could not do it; you probably wouldn't get half -way. * * * 1 'Ve recall a story many years ago in which an Englishman was offer- ed one million pounds in gold if he could carry that amount of one - pound gold pieces in a pail from one room to another. It looked easy as well eas tempting, He trundled bucketsful of sovereigns day and night, but collapsed from exhaustion long before the pile was exhausted. Yet governments .have been spending billions with easy abandon. * * ,s Wnilc their iced worms are on the way, they will continue to nibble at the special food or which they have thrived throughout the Pacific crossing—a mixture of pab- lum, corn meal, bread, ground up leaves, sand, wood ashes ane: wet newspapers The Broax Zoo will glace the platypuses in a special tank where they may swim, burrow or laze et will—if an iced earthworm diet gets then there. Ultra. -Modern One of New York City's largest New, _apparel storeswhich moved into its new headquarters, on Fifth Avenue recently has reached a new peak in interior decoration. Sales- girls m one department wear Nile green dresses that match the green leather on the bleached wood chairs, • A feature which will appeal to the building's maintenance crew 15 steam coils under the sidewalks which will quickly solve the snow removal problem next winter, No. 1 Opera Blonde The No. 1. blonde of opera is what they're calling Dorothy Kirsten now, a title voted her at an In- ternational Beauty Show in New York. Obliging The golf club grouser was com- plaining bitterly at the "nineteenth" about worm casts on the greens. The captain came in and was im- mediately buttonholed. "Isn't this the time of year to treat worms?" the grouser asked. "Yes," was the reply. "What'll you have?" S OH %VIII Enjoy Staying At The St. Regis Hotel TonoN'o • Every Rooni 'With hath Shower and Telephone • Single, $2.60 op— Double, 83.60 up • Good Food. Dining and Dang- Ing Nightly Sherboarne at Carlton Tel. R.A. 4i5) i 500318 ru a ITTIFULL4 FU1CteiSiilsll $1.50 up HOTEL METROPOLE NIAGARA FALLS ORT. — C.N.R. STATION When your BACK ACHES..• Backache is often caused by lazy kidney action. When kidneys get out of order excess acids and poisons remain in the system. Thera backache, headache, rheumatic pain, dis- turbed rest ar that 'tired out' feeling may soon follow. To help keep your kidneys working properly—use Dodd's Kidney Pills. Time -tested, popular, safe, non -habit-form- ing. Demand Dodd's Kidney Pills, in the blue boa with the red hand. Sold everywhere. 13.5 12 TON YS 25P DRUGSTORES GETTING UP AT RIGHT? How miserable you feel when your sleep is disturbed. Tired, achey, listless all day long. Why not take Gin Pills—an old reliable remedy for relieving kidney trouble? Com- pounded to help soothe and tong up the kidneys Gin Pills are sold on a satisfaction -or -money -back basis. PI Regular size, 40 Pills Economy size, 80 Pills On the U.S.A. ask for Gino Pilus) Watton Clerical arae wy of rAgCanada Alionsontsarimir POP—A Problem Wil.L YOU i-IELP fvi e Wt! -4 MY ARi-rm /MsTIC Pop S1 ,� JJ J' *I "' • By J, MILLAR WATT 41 01 ttli araaaraaaaaa