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HomeMy WebLinkAboutZurich Herald, 1946-07-18, Page 7JUST IN FUN I Long Wait The pompous strange., stalked into the offi.e atea1 demanded to set the Inan.lger. "I'm sorry, but he's not here, replied the clerk. "Ir there any- thing 1 can do?" "No," snapped the visitor, "I Stever deal with underlings, I'll wait until the i..:.uat:er returns," "Very •veli, take a seat," said the clerk, and wens a. with his work. About on hour 1: ter the man got impatient. "I -Tow much longer do you think the manager will 'be?" he de- manded. "Oh, about a fortnight," was the ealrn reply. "Ile started his holi- days yesterday!" Not Yet "Will you try some of uty angel cake?" asked the young wife of her husbannd. "No, thank you," was the reply. "Are you afraid it isn't good enough?" she asked. "No; I'm afraid I'm not goon enough-" "Good enough for what?" "Good enough to become an angel-" Prepared Jake was a worthless and im- provident fellow. One day he said to the local grocer: "I got to have a sack of flour; I'm all out, an' my family is starvin' " "All right, Jake," said the grocer. "If you neer a sack of flour and have no money to buy it with, we'll give you a sack. But, see here, Jake, there's a circus coning to town in a few days, and if I give you a sack of flour, are yru sure you won't sell it and take your family to the circus? "Oh, no," said Jake. "I got the circus money saved up already." Just Get Him The Hollywood magnate told an assistant that in his opinion a cer- tain writer was the only man for a firmtheyhad under consideration. The assistant was tactfully doubt- ful. "Don't you think perhaps he's a little too caustic?" he suggested. "I don't care how much he costs," roared the producer. "Get him!" Vengeance New York's Senator Royal S. Copeland, who is also• a physician, tickles the funny -bones of his din - mei companions with this medical yarn: A man who had been bitten by a dog found that his wounds didn't heal and consulted a doctor. The physician alarmed by the appear- ance of the wound, had the dog caught and evamined. The dog had rabies. As it was too late to give the man a serum, the doctor told him he would have to die of hydrophobia. The poor man sat down at a desk and began writing. Thi ' hy- sician sought to comfort him, "Perhaps it will not be so bad," he said. "You needn't make your will now." "I'm not making my will," re- plied the man. "I'm writing out a list of people I'm going to bite." That Should Hold Him A. Scot holding an important job in London was always being twit- ted by an English friend about his nationality. By a curious chance the two met on holiday. "Hallo," chaffed the English„ man, "how on earth is your office managing without you?" "Fairly well," answered the Scot, cautiously. "You see, 1 left two Englishmen and four Welshmen in my place." Nothing To Report "\A'ell, Joan, what's the scandal while I've been away?" "While you've been away there's been no scandal, Freddie!" Weak They had completed their sales at the cattle market, and were talk- ing about farming. "Better step across home with me and have a glass of cider, as it's so hot," said Farmer No. 1. Farmer No. 2 went, sampled the cider, and was asked his opinion. "Ah," he said, "how many barrels did ye say ye made?" "Fifty-three!" was the reply. "Now, what do you think of that?" "Well," said Farmer No. 2, slowly, ''it wtre a great pity ye didn't have one . more apple left. Yon could have then made fifty- four.' The Oldest Profession A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. "Eve was made from Adam's rib," said the surgeon, "and that was a surgical operation." "Yes," agreed the architect, "hut prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an archi- tectural lob." "But," spoke tip the politician Proudly, "somebody must have cre_ atcd the chaosl" FUNNY BUSINESS By Hershberger ) ,,,,,,, t o P▪ OTirill <71) 13E17354e, COPR "He's able to sleep 15 minutes longer since he got that street hawker's equipment!" .6nrrw,•r to I'r.vloim Bomber Commander f HORIZONTAL 59 Czar 1 Pictured head 60 Companion of U. S. 20th VERTICAL Bomber Com. mend, Brig.- 1 Cognizance Gen. 2 Wife of Geraint in 11 Fowl 12 Incline 13 Native metal 5 Cut-off short 17 Bamboolike grass 18 Periods of geological time 19 Dibble 21 Diminutive of Edward 22 Skill 23 Parent 25 Ironers 28 Whirlwind 30 Sprigs • 32 Character- istics 34 Peer Gynt's mother 35 Midday 36 Negative word 37 Envoy 40 Unit of electricity 43 Manuscript (ab.) 44 Toward 45Early English (ab.) 46 Senior (ab.) 47 Soak. up 481V'ovel •50 Plant part 52 Pause 55 Individual 58 Station (ab,) Arthurian legend 3 North Caro- lina (ab-) 4 Auricle 22 Arrival (ab.) 5 Woody plants, 23 Sacred song 6 Pays atten'- 24 Church parts tion to 26 Slave 7 Married 27 Sicilian 8 Onward volcano 9 Pedal 28 Smells extremity 29 Compound 10 Sea eagle ether 11 High school 31 Regular (ab.) (ab.) 33 Compass point 14 Electrical unit 38 Particle A R H 0RA P A ARRits TEstseE DDI D Ei C w; B0 t,1;D E ^.'•t O J HORACE "IlegyMANN At I4 RCsa EC 0 L E *1A W E. E !Op P FREE Puzzle A N N 2,0 ER "'• E E O D E W E A 0 L L T A •F S S 0 0 p E R A S H S R E 0O L. E 16 Father 18 Gaelic 20 Peer 49 Apes: 41 His — bombed Japer! 42 Equal 47 Observes 49 Direction 50 Therefore 51 Powerful ex- plosive (ab.) 53 Female saint (ab.) 54 Symbol for tantalum 56 Either 57 Part of "be" • THE SPORTING THING "Pleased to meet ya!" THE SPORTING THING "Why didn't you dig up a date for me, too?" VOICE OF THE PRESS Do, Don't Take A Tip One of the best tips these days is don't, in a canoe. —Ottawa Citizen. We Could Retaliate Russia has tossed a voting con- troversy into the lap of the Atom- ic Energy Commission. Wouldn't Russia be surprised and hurt if somebody lost patience and tossed something into Russsia's lap! —Brantford Expositor. Preference in Food Persons of a scientific bent may find an especial interest in a newly discovered wood -pulp food, but as a conservative layman, our prefer- ence is still for a plank with a steak on top. —Boston Herald, lie Careful Saving money for a rainy day is all right, says a contemporary, as long as you don't get soaked later on. —St. Thomas Times -Journal. Is That The Reason? Women, it seemr, are more fas- cinated by horrors than men, which may account for their mar- rying some of them. —Quebec Chronicle -Telegraph, A Cynical Note. A marriage expert says that men like to marry girls "whose knowledge is less than theirs.' This undoubtedly explains why a lot of men are bachelors. —Kingston Whig -Standard. Dangerous Money A Mid -West professor predicts that the monetary system of the future will be based on uranium. But think of the disaster to the neighborhood when a dollar is split. —New York Sun. But You Can Try The right of free speech doesn't carry with it a guarantee that someone won't punch you in the nose for indiscreetly exercising that right. --Kitchener Record, Wise Swimmers One of the greatest of American swimmers, Johnny Weismuller would eiever trust himself to deep water for any distance, expert as he was, without boat accompani- ment. Amateur swimmers court death daily in Ontario, with brava- do often, and in defiance of all rules of safety and caution. The resultant toll in fatalities tells the tragic story. --St. CathLrines Standard. Good Intentions? Police arrested a woman for trying to jump into the Chicago river when she couldn't find meat for her husband. Cops shouldn't act so fast; she may have been trying to get him a fish. --Ottawa Citizen, A Flag Suggestion One of the difficulties foreseen if we decide to have a Maple Leaf on our flag is that of choosing one from our seventeen varieties of maple. Why not solve the whole matter by ,putting a sap bucket on the flag, the sap to do honor to the taxpayer and the bucket to symbol- ize the Government? —Peterborough Examiner. Too Good To Last When this country was discov- ered, the Indians were running af- fairs with no debt, no taxes, no strikes and no coupons, and the women were doing all the work. The white man sure put his foot to things, trying to improve on a system like that. —Ottawa Citizen. You'll Find 'Em The Census Bureau reports 3;- 000,000 women have disappeared from the labor market since war's end. The bureau admits it doesn't know where they went. That's easy. Look in those nylon lines. —Pittsburgh Press. Too Easily Orce snore we're finding out that the easiest thing to grow in the garden is tired. —Guelph Mercury. HUSBANDS ALWAYS APPROVE your coffee when it's Maxwell House. They simply love it be- cause "Radiant -Roasting" brings out all the extra goodness in this superb blend of finer "coffees,, Sou Wtll IenJoy Staying /At The Si. Regis Hotel 1'ORUWrO ® Every Room wltb Bath. Shower and Telephone. O Single, $2.50 up — Double, 53.50 up. tp Good Food. dining and Danc- ing Nightly, Sherhourae ni Carlton Tel, RA. 4135 HOTEL METROPOLE All Beautifully furnished With Running Water Rates: $1.50 up NIAGARA FALLS OPPOSITE C.N.R. STATION 1 ,V `' 4 .... ` >i , .IN i:R::;:;:iiv ? 3 <:: ! i::::;.t?> EWA WO • usa .:... .:zap MACDOAWS Fin • Cud Rakes es a better cigarette e witAT AVOLIT OURG LARS By J. MILLAR WATT O 4 1"11-tnY mu K 'T44ERM'5 SOME GA-rc H 1N rr JP MUTT AND JEFF— AND THE TANK IS FULL OF GASOLINE TOO—OH BOY! WHERE CNA'- OH,THESE DAYS ,SET ALL THAT I'VE BEEN MONEY MAKING ? PLENTY,( IT'S BEEN PILING UP ON ME! JEFF, CALL UP MY WIFE AND TELL HER NOT TO WORRY! EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE O.K. THE RENT WILL BE PAID AND EVERYTHING! OH, BoY! WHAT A'BREW NoW LET'S SEE I'LL NEED FIFTY FoR THE RENT -TEN FOR THE GAS-- YOUR WIFE SAIDI<YoU BOUGHT A O. K.,MUTT! HoW CAR?-- BUT YOU DO YOU LIKE , NAVE A CAR! THE CAR I JUST BOUGHT! By BUD FISHER YEN, I KNOW - BUT IT WOULDN'T LOoK NICE TO 60 AWAY WITHOUT BUYIN' SOME LITTLE THING AFTER USING THETELEPHONE! • REG'LAR FELLERS—Liquid Refreshment BOY! Tl -IIS PAIL 15 HEAVY BEAN' A WATER -BCW HAS ITS, • s.` (DRAWBACKS! .41 NOW I'M ALL SET! -,- JEST LET 'EM CALL Mf, ONCET MORE — WATE1 By GENE BYRNES -TWO-GUN DUt=r , AT YOUR. SERVICE, Tr.Ae`y,r1;.t11 ,tabu r.""l.,,. L 3 `f 5 6.7 8 9 to I'.. ,�12 r 15 lb -`4,,;17 ' fps .`_ ;, `18 I-9 20 r � `•S 21 1 : 22 23 2't 125' 26 21 30 31jYs,'1:,r32 iii'rr"i' 'f2 33 36 iiimmtrAmms/.>r /esris `�:���es'. 7 3B 34 . .e..P14 i oe 40 41 41 '' yo ' fib' 4b t' 48 49 55 yrs 56 59 ,60 16 • THE SPORTING THING "Pleased to meet ya!" THE SPORTING THING "Why didn't you dig up a date for me, too?" VOICE OF THE PRESS Do, Don't Take A Tip One of the best tips these days is don't, in a canoe. —Ottawa Citizen. We Could Retaliate Russia has tossed a voting con- troversy into the lap of the Atom- ic Energy Commission. Wouldn't Russia be surprised and hurt if somebody lost patience and tossed something into Russsia's lap! —Brantford Expositor. Preference in Food Persons of a scientific bent may find an especial interest in a newly discovered wood -pulp food, but as a conservative layman, our prefer- ence is still for a plank with a steak on top. —Boston Herald, lie Careful Saving money for a rainy day is all right, says a contemporary, as long as you don't get soaked later on. —St. Thomas Times -Journal. Is That The Reason? Women, it seemr, are more fas- cinated by horrors than men, which may account for their mar- rying some of them. —Quebec Chronicle -Telegraph, A Cynical Note. A marriage expert says that men like to marry girls "whose knowledge is less than theirs.' This undoubtedly explains why a lot of men are bachelors. —Kingston Whig -Standard. Dangerous Money A Mid -West professor predicts that the monetary system of the future will be based on uranium. But think of the disaster to the neighborhood when a dollar is split. —New York Sun. But You Can Try The right of free speech doesn't carry with it a guarantee that someone won't punch you in the nose for indiscreetly exercising that right. --Kitchener Record, Wise Swimmers One of the greatest of American swimmers, Johnny Weismuller would eiever trust himself to deep water for any distance, expert as he was, without boat accompani- ment. Amateur swimmers court death daily in Ontario, with brava- do often, and in defiance of all rules of safety and caution. The resultant toll in fatalities tells the tragic story. --St. CathLrines Standard. Good Intentions? Police arrested a woman for trying to jump into the Chicago river when she couldn't find meat for her husband. Cops shouldn't act so fast; she may have been trying to get him a fish. --Ottawa Citizen, A Flag Suggestion One of the difficulties foreseen if we decide to have a Maple Leaf on our flag is that of choosing one from our seventeen varieties of maple. Why not solve the whole matter by ,putting a sap bucket on the flag, the sap to do honor to the taxpayer and the bucket to symbol- ize the Government? —Peterborough Examiner. Too Good To Last When this country was discov- ered, the Indians were running af- fairs with no debt, no taxes, no strikes and no coupons, and the women were doing all the work. The white man sure put his foot to things, trying to improve on a system like that. —Ottawa Citizen. You'll Find 'Em The Census Bureau reports 3;- 000,000 women have disappeared from the labor market since war's end. The bureau admits it doesn't know where they went. That's easy. Look in those nylon lines. —Pittsburgh Press. Too Easily Orce snore we're finding out that the easiest thing to grow in the garden is tired. —Guelph Mercury. HUSBANDS ALWAYS APPROVE your coffee when it's Maxwell House. They simply love it be- cause "Radiant -Roasting" brings out all the extra goodness in this superb blend of finer "coffees,, Sou Wtll IenJoy Staying /At The Si. Regis Hotel 1'ORUWrO ® Every Room wltb Bath. Shower and Telephone. O Single, $2.50 up — Double, 53.50 up. tp Good Food. dining and Danc- ing Nightly, Sherhourae ni Carlton Tel, RA. 4135 HOTEL METROPOLE All Beautifully furnished With Running Water Rates: $1.50 up NIAGARA FALLS OPPOSITE C.N.R. STATION 1 ,V `' 4 .... ` >i , .IN i:R::;:;:iiv ? 3 <:: ! i::::;.t?> EWA WO • usa .:... .:zap MACDOAWS Fin • Cud Rakes es a better cigarette e witAT AVOLIT OURG LARS By J. MILLAR WATT O 4 1"11-tnY mu K 'T44ERM'5 SOME GA-rc H 1N rr JP MUTT AND JEFF— AND THE TANK IS FULL OF GASOLINE TOO—OH BOY! WHERE CNA'- OH,THESE DAYS ,SET ALL THAT I'VE BEEN MONEY MAKING ? PLENTY,( IT'S BEEN PILING UP ON ME! JEFF, CALL UP MY WIFE AND TELL HER NOT TO WORRY! EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE O.K. THE RENT WILL BE PAID AND EVERYTHING! OH, BoY! WHAT A'BREW NoW LET'S SEE I'LL NEED FIFTY FoR THE RENT -TEN FOR THE GAS-- YOUR WIFE SAIDI<YoU BOUGHT A O. K.,MUTT! HoW CAR?-- BUT YOU DO YOU LIKE , NAVE A CAR! THE CAR I JUST BOUGHT! By BUD FISHER YEN, I KNOW - BUT IT WOULDN'T LOoK NICE TO 60 AWAY WITHOUT BUYIN' SOME LITTLE THING AFTER USING THETELEPHONE! • REG'LAR FELLERS—Liquid Refreshment BOY! Tl -IIS PAIL 15 HEAVY BEAN' A WATER -BCW HAS ITS, • s.` (DRAWBACKS! .41 NOW I'M ALL SET! -,- JEST LET 'EM CALL Mf, ONCET MORE — WATE1 By GENE BYRNES -TWO-GUN DUt=r , AT YOUR. SERVICE, Tr.Ae`y,r1;.t11 ,tabu r.""l.,,.