HomeMy WebLinkAboutZurich Herald, 1956-10-18, Page 7Courtroom
Comedy
"If you want sensation and
drama look to the Old Bailey.
But if you want human comedy,
look to the little local courts."
Fifty years have passed since a
lawyer wrote those words, but
they are just as true today.
Especially were they true in
a London court the other day
when a magistrate asked a wife
why her husband refused to
attend to answer a charge.
"Because," she explained, "he
(Rays all you do here is talk,
talk, talk."
And there is the case of the
County Mayo labourer who
found a novel way of paying
a £5 fine for poaching. He ask-
ed the magistrate if he could
pay in goods as he never had
money.
hTe magistrate agreed; and
next day the labourer delivered
twenty poached pheasants to
the court as his fine.
One of the funniest court
Incidents occurred many years
ago.
A motor cyclist had been
summonsed because his motor-
cycle combination was too noisy
and disturbed the peace. So he
wheeled the combination the
fast few hundred yards to the
court, then asked the 'magis-
trate if he had .heard him ar-
rive.
The magistrate said he- had
not and dismissed the charge;
the man left, but a minute later
there came an infernal racket
outside.
The magistrate yelled: "Bring
that man back!" But nobody
moved from the court. The
noise of the starting cycle was
so deafening that nobody could
catch the magistrate's words!
A few days later the mag-
istrate had occasion to shout
again. A grocer appeared be-
fore him on black market
charges, and asked if he might
whisper to the bench on a very
personal matter.
The magistrate agreed, bent
forward, and the grocer whis-
pered in his ear. Then the
magistrate's f ace crimsoned.
and he yelled: "No! I don't
want five pounds worth of
black market butter. Pay a
hundred pounds for trying to
bribe the court!"
Magistrates and judges are
always willing to help those
who appear before them. A
South African judge told a
Negro charged with stealing
that he could be tried by the
judge or, if he wished, by a
jury of his peers.
"Peers?" queried the Negro.
"Peers," the judge explained,
"are your equals. Men from
your own walk of life."
"You try me, judge," the
Negro blurted out. "I don't
want to be tried by no thieves!"
A judge in Chicago asked a
slow-witted hoodlum last year
why he had stolen half a
million in bonds. The hoodlum
thought a moment, then, "Why,
because I was hungry, judge,"
he smiled.
A Texas mother refused at
Houston to pay her doctor's bill
after her son had had measles.
Asked to explain, she told the
court:
"My son had measles first
and passed it to all the kid in
the district. The doctor made a
fortune out fo it. Since my boy
started it, I think the doc owes
ore a few thousand dollars by
way of a commission."
FOR THE BIRDS—That's what
many homemakers in Ham
Common, England, seem to
think of this statue. ,Called
"Home Making," it represents a
woman examining a bird's nest
and is the work of modernist
Keith Godwin. On the grounds
of a new apartment project, it's
being viewed skeptically by
Mrs. June Rossdale and son,
James, 3.
WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING MAN?—Javier Pereira is reputedly
the world's oldest man—at the tender age of 167. The wrink-
led, pint sized South American Indian from Bogota, Colombia,
stands four feet four inches tall and weights 75 pounds. He
was flown from Barranquilla, Colombia, to the United States
for an intensive scientific study on his condition at th•e Cornell
Medical Center, Ithaca, N.Y. Above, Javier, who may have
been born in 1789, calmly eats an ice cream cone in Miami,
Fla., first stop on his trip to Cornell.
Just By Way Of Breaking The Ice
A Complete Story
by JOHN JOHNS
She was definitely worth a
whistle. And Dick was in mid -
whistle when his legs gave up
the unequal struggle against
gravity and he sat on the ice-
drome rink so hard that glasses
bounced in the bar fifty feet
away.
Not that that worried him un-
duly. In the three weeks since
he had begun to learn to skate
he had accepted the fact that
life's downs are more frequent
than its ups. What really upset
him, I could see, was her laugh
as she swept by on the arm of
a burly ice -hockey player.
I leaned over the rinkside bar-
rier and pulled him to his feet.
"Friend," I said, "keep your
mind on your work." -
He stared after her with an
expression whcih in anyone else
would indicate acute indigestion,
but in his case is simply wistful-
ness.
"A lovely girl like that with
a moron like that," he groaned.
"There's no justice."
"Is that charitable?" I said.
`"He's probably kind to children
and makes handsome contribu-
tions to the ice -hockey players'
benevolent league. And anyway
— some fo my best friends are
morons."
He ignored me. Clutching the
barrier, he hobbled off the ice
and sat staring hungrily as she
circled the "rink.
"I'm going to learn to skate,"
he said, "if it kills me."
"I like you better alive," I
said. "Come and have a pint to
reduce your blood pressure.
There are as good fish aif the
ice as on it."
But he wouldn't move. There
he sat, watching her for another
hour, and there I sat with him,
shivering.
Finally, to my relief, the ice
was cleared as the last session
ended, and Dick went to change.
As I waited for him by the door,
she strolled past on the arm of
her hockey player, and I had to
admit that she was what certain
citizens might term a lush thrush.
Dick emerged from the chang-
ing room, and we walked out
into the street.
"How about that pint?" I
asked.
He grunted. His mind was on
other things.
"Lovely night," I said.
He grunted again, and nearly
walked into a lamp post.
"The moon's bright green," I
said.
He didn't even bother to grunt.
''Her 'dame's Sadie," I said.
He stopped dead. "How d'you
know ?"
"I heard that hockeyplayer
talking to her while you were
changing.",
He frowned. "Oaf!"
"Look," I said, 'let's not get
personal."
"Him, I mean," said Dick.
"That muscle - bound hockey
player." He crushed an . inof-
fensive matchbox with his heel.
Then: "How long does it take to
become an expert skater?"
"Years."
He thought for a moment. "But
if one spent all one's spare time,
every day, practising..."
"Don't be a mutt," I said. "If
you're thinking what I think
you're thinking, then it's a waste
of time. B,y •the time you can do
a figure four, even, she'll be a
veteran member of the House-
wives' League."
"Oh, shut up," he snarled, and
mumbling something about hav-
ing to get home, heran for n bus.
It was the wrong one, but he was
too dazed to notice. I had my
pint alone, reflecting mournfully
that I wasn't going to see much
of him for quite a while. Me,
I'm a non -skater. I don't mind
sitting by the rink now and
again and watching, but enough's
enough.
Not for Dick, though. Other
men might scale mountains or
slay dragons for their' beloved,
but he—since the nearest moun-
tain was 200 miles away and
there was a chronic dragon
sortage in 'London—was deter-
mined to skate into her heart,
once he was able to conquer a
tendency to skate into more Solid
objects.
A couple of weeks later I vis-
ited the rink again. Fond though
I was of Dick, it was obvious that.
skates and he hadn't much in
common.
"How's the affair?" I asked,
as he staggered off the rink and
collapsed into the seat beside me,
thankfully unlacing his boots. .
"Affair, my aching foot," he
said bitterly. "I can't get near
her when she's on the ice,- and
when she's off it there's always
a brace of those barrel-chested
hockey players round her."
"Why don't you 'try an in-
structor?"
"I have. -He resigned after one
session. He said he wasn't in-
sured." Dick sighed miserably.
I decided there was nothing for
it; somehow he would have to
meet-Sadie—forcibly, if need be.
I couldn't stand by and watch a
friend pine away.
"Look," I said, "of you were
over there in the centre of the
rink, face to face with her, could
you do your stuff?"
He cocked an eyebrow. "If
you mean could I make a date—
I could have a darned good try."
"Well, then. Suppose you stand
with your back to the barrier
and aim yourself at Sadie. Sup-
pose I give you a shove. You
glide gracefully towards her,
bump against her in passing, and
stop to apologize. A few well-
chosen words; and the rest fol-
lows as night follows day. More.
or less."
He thought for a moment.
'How do I get back from the
centre of the rink? Ask her to
push ane like a wheelbarrow?"
"You can worry about that once
you get there. And you won't
get there under your own steam
for a long, long time."
He hesitated. "Well. "
Just then Sadie glided past,
smiling at a tall youth in a red
sweater beside her.
Dick glared.. "O.K. What
have I got to lose?"
"That's the stuff," I said. "All
we have to do is wait till she's
in the centre_bf the rink, and
then—hey presto!"
We waited, Dick standing on
the ice, arid I with .my .hands on
his shoulders. The crucial mo-
ment came when Sadie was alone
in the centre of the rink, admir-
ingly watching the antics of the
red-sweatered youth.
"Contact!" I said.
"Contact!"
I took careful aim and pushed.
Dick lurched, recovered his_
balance,. and catapulted away
across the ice. My aim had been.
perfect. No bee could have made
a •straighter line than the one
he made for Sadie. Gentle
bumps and well-chosen words
were obviously out of the ques-
tion. I just had time to shout
'fore" before he struck her
squarely amidships. Frantically
clutching at each other, they
skidded across the rink and
crashed into the barrier. Sadie
was well and truly in Dick's
arms.
That happy state of affairs
lasted just ten seconds --the time
it took her to recover from the
shook, flex her right arm, and
give Dick a slap in the face that
echoed round the icedrome.
Five minutes later he walked
—or rather I helped him—out of
the rink for the last time.
Oddly enough, he seemed hap-
pier than he had been for weeks.
"I," he said, "have been an
idiot. I can't think how on earth
I fell' for that bad-tempered
wench."
He smiled broadly. "Come on,
let's have a pint to celebrate my
return to dry land,"
I smiled, too. For a moment,
back there on the rink, I had
been afraid I hadn't pushed hard
enough.
From "Tit -Bits"
How Can 1?
Q, How cast I mend n leak in
the umbrella?
A. First cut a, piece of mend-
ing tissue a little larger than the
hole. Then cut a piece of silk or
cambric a little larger than the
piece of tissue. Place tissue over
the hole on under side of cover.
Then place the silk or cambric.
over the tissue, tucking the edge
under the tissue. Place a wet
cloth over all and press with a
hot iron.
Q. Bow can I make a good so-
lution to keep on hand for re-
moving grease spots from wool-
len goods?
A. Put 1 ounce of pulverized
borax in 1 quart of boiling wa-
ter. Bottle and keep in a conven-
ient place for use when needed.
Q. How can 1 prevent worn
faucet threads?
A. Be careful when scouring
the faucets to clean away all
scouring grit from the joints, or
it will work into the threads and
soon wear them.
Q. How can I make boys'
pants wear longer?
A. When making pants for the
boys, by cutting the backs of
the pants double. When a hole
appears, turn in the worn edges
and hem down to the under
goods. The '.two pieces will be
faded alike. '.•
Q. How can I prevent new
shoes from hurting at the heel?
A. Rub the inside of the heel
with hard soap before putting
on. Try fastening cross strips of
court plaster to your heel The
plaster will take the rub.
Q. How can I clean the soiled
edges of books?
A. Close the book tightly and
..erase the soiled marks with an
ink eraser. Do not use this meth-
od if the books are gilt edged.
Q. How can I prevent waste
when melting chocolate?
A. Much of the chocolate is
wasted because it sticks to the
sides and bottom of the con-
tainer. This can be prevented by
greasing the pan thoroughly be-
fore putting in the chocolate.
Q. How can I eliminate a ring
or a stain on goods that has been
left after using a cleaning fluid?
A. First allow the spot to dry;
then hold it over a steaming ket-
tle until it disappears.
Q. .How can I keep brown
sugar soft?
A. Keep the ' brown sugar in
an open jar in the icebox and it
will remain soft. This keeps it
from becoming' lumpy.
Q. How can I repair the lid of
a cooking vessel when the knob
has come off?
A. Slip a screw through the
hole in the lid, with the head on
the inside of the lid, and screw
a cork on the protruding end.
This knob will not get hot and
can be renewed when worn or
soiled.
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BRAY chicks available now. Pullets.
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NEW guns and rifles at wholesale
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MEDIc4t
PROVEN REMEDY — Every sufferer of
Rheumatic Pains or Neuritis should try
DIXON'S REMEDY.
MUNRO'S .DRUG STORE,
335 Elgin Ottawa
$1.25 Express Prepaid
POST'S ECZEMA SALVE
BANISH the torment of dry eczema
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OPPORTUNITIES FOR
MEN AND WOMEN
BOYS ! Girls' Get Samples. Christmas
Cards, Stationery, Novelties, etc., now 1
R. H. James R.R.3, Metcalfe, Ontario.
OPPORTUNITIES
MEN and WOMEN
TELEGRAPHERS wanted. We train and
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STENOGRAPHERS wanted, Ten weeks
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P , J'__ ;_
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"Poor guy — fell into a cup of
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ISSUE 42 — 1956
GOLDMINE CATALOGI
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ASCANIA ... Oct. 10, Nov. 7 to Le Havre, Southampton.
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3
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PERSONALLY CONDUCTED RV
EXPERIENCED CUNARD PASSENGER
REPRESENTATIVES
IVERNIA
Nov. 24—From Montreal
to Le Havre, Southampton
CARINTHIA
Nov. 29—From Montreal
to Greenock, Liverpool
SAXONIA
Dec. 13—From Halifax
to Cobh, Liverpool
(Dec. 14—from New York)