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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Herald, 1901-03-08, Page 5if and 1, ;es ]one rives at S: lents .00 shins .25 .50 .75 ,50 .75 e 'es ay ;t- is :t- 1C a.. l.. d. THE ZURICH HERALD DANGER IN THE BOOK WHY ONE MAN DREADED THU COM- ING INTO CAMP OF A DICTIONARY. lie Discreetly 'Left before the Voelf- 'cronely Applauded Sentlmenti He l.'xpressed In His Speech. Could lie Analyzed a la Webster. When the son of the president of the BIg Mountain Lumber company came into the mountains to learn the busi- ness, so to speak, I knew within 15 minutes that he had come to the wrong place. He was a city chap, new- ly graduated and thoroughly out of touch with everything mountainous. He was a bright fellow, however, and amply capable, only the mountains were not the field for his development. As time elapsed his distaste grew, and it was all he could do not to express his opinion of the mountain people, their manners, customs, homes, morale and everything connected with them. He was wise enough to confide in me alone and bided his time•.,to get away to some more congenial clime. And he got away sooner than Ile expected. It happened that,there was a public meeting one night at the sawmill shed, and he was called on to make a few remarks. Every other man • at the meeting except myself, who acted as chairman, was of the mouutains, and their illiterate talk had roused the young college fellow to the limit. He saw a chance to get even, in his owls mind at least, and when the call came for him he responded promptly. His speech, quite brief, taut to the point. was as follows, copied from his own manuscript, even the [applause] part: "My [donde, I am glad to meet you on this occasion, for I have wished to say to you publicly what I think of you, though our acquaintance has not been long. Coming as a stranger among you, I was only partly prepared for what was In store. Now. let me say to you that half has not been told me. [Applause.] In the internecine arena your lethiferous conduct has artounded me by the trucidation and occasion characterizing it among no men I have ever known. [Loud ape- plause.] In the: diversified field of mendacity your efforts would make Machiavelli take to the tall timber. [Uproarious applause.] In all tura- Mous. raptorial and predacious pur- suits you have done such wonders that the gifted and great Jonathan Wild would have felt his latroeiny was a sounding brass and his direption a tinkling cymbal. [Great applause.] In the broad expanse of labor your torpescent oscitation has made you sul generis among all pandiculate man- kind. [Cheers and shouts of "Good for us!"] As good livers, your tables groan beneath their stercoraceous and impetiginous burden, and as drinkers, your temulent bibacity. has made the crapulous reputation of Bacchus to be a sign of puritanical abstemiousness. [Loud applause.] As for yourselves, I take pleasure In saying here to you, without tear of successful contradic- tion, that your nugacity Is forever established; ns observers of the law, your aberrance Is teratological, and personally you are' a cohesive concat- enation of rubigapt exuviae, that I take especial pleasure in believing does not exist elsewhere on earth. ['Vocif- erous applause.]" When the enthusiasm bad cooled down somewhat, he proceeded to speak on the subjects before the meeting and sat down. The !mountaineers were pleased to death with the college man's high flown speech about theta. and though I didn't know the meaning of all the big words he used I did know that he had been calling thein liars and murderers and thieves and scoundrels and drones and lawless drunkards. be- sides condemning, their fare and anath• ematizing the lot of them personally. But not one of them suspected. and 1 was hoping nothing would conte of it and they. would forget. even if any of the large words were remembered, when one day a 'hook agent drove up to the office in a bucleboard and an- nounced that he was selling Webster's Unabridged Dictionary for }2 a copy and showed a sample that was as big as a box of soap. Nobody had ever seen so much book for the money, nor hnd anybody ever seen a dictionary in that neighborhood, and when the agent began to tell what a valuable thing it was to be in every family the men became interested, and it wasn't long until the agent had sold 25 copies, to be delivered the following week. When he had gone away with his sample, 1 called the young man into the private office for consultation. "Don't say a word," he began as soon as he had closed the door. "I know exactly where 1 am at, and I'll be some place else before Mr. Web- ster arrives to throw any light on my recent remarks. 1 am not shedding any tears, and in order that the dic- tionary buyers and others may know just what 1 think of then 1 shall leave two dozen copies of my speech for dis- tribution on the morning of my de- parture." He did just as he said he would. and it was a good thing for him that he never came back any more. Tbnt's All. "In proof of the assertion that the world is growing better," remarked Op- tim, "let me, mention the fact that we never find stones in the coffee we buy at the grocery stores nowadays." "No," growled Passim. "The reason for that is that most rcrsons who buy coffee have it ground when they buy It. The grocers pick out the stones for fear of ruining their milia. The world is growing more enlightened in its selfish- ness. Tbat's all."—Chicago Tribune. Queensland Is being converted Into a large orange orchard. The Austra- Ilan orange ripens ata time when other gountriell cannot provide the fruit Q you know that a business man's business is judged by the Stationery he uses. If it is neat and up=to=date it gives the re= wi'sea cepient a favorable im= pression of the firm he is correspond- ing with. We do work that com= mands attention, and the price is no higher than for inferior work. The Herald Printery he. herald Prints===and prints well. Satisfaction Guaranteed NEW EDITION JUST ISSUED .NEW PLATES THROUGHOUT Now Added 25,000 NEW WORDS, Phrases, Etc. Rich Bindings 41.2364 Pages * 5000 Illustrations Prepared under the supervision of W. T. Harris, Ph.D., LL.D., United States Commissioner of Education, assisted by alarge corps of competent specialists. BETTER THAN EVER' FOR'GENERAL USE Also Webster's Collegiate Dictionary with Scottish Glossary, ctc. " First class in quality, second class in size." elf a .5f r, ,,,r Assn.. t, . ,J pot h 'NA, sent nn ufl /1, n nn G. & C. 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KENNEDY (Se KERGAN, . 148 SHELBY STREET, . !1 °RTliat % Minot KK&K K&K ,&K K & K KI Kt.K. 116 '"HEAP SMELL-," The Indian l{new Want Ste Wanted and Where to Get It, :?erne Indians from Buffalo l;lil'n Wild West, arrayed in bright colored blankets and an exceptional amount of face paint, were taking in the sighte. of the city one afternoon. They stroll- ed down Walnut street, single tile, and, headed by a buck who now, and then gave a grunt of satisfaction when some- thing that pleased him caught his eye, `"bey halted in front of a drug store and _.zed at the window display for a tooment, Then the band filed into the establishment and began to look' around. The clerk thought the place was go- ing to be besieged and that be was like - aa''' to lose his scalp, but when the "big ehie:," who acted as spokesman, ad - Tressed him with the customary Indian greeting of "How!" the clerk regained bis composure enough to ask the Indi- an what be wanted. "Heap smell," was the reply. Directed by the Indian's finger tip a showcase, the clerk produced a bar of ',soap. The brave took It gingerly, re- moved the wrapper, smelled it and bit Int# the toothsome looking article. With a deep grunt of displeasure be handed it back to the drug clerk. With a disgusted look be remarked. "Heap smell!" The clerk began to tremble, and the Indian pointed to a perfume bottle in the showcase. The' bottle of perfume was handed to him. The Indian held It in both hands for a moment. closely scrutinizing it. He slowly retneved raze stopper, closely watching it as if be expected it to explode, and took a long sniff at the bottle, gave a grunt of eeisfactlon, handed the clerk some mon,y and led his band of braves out of the stare. to the delight of the fright- ened clerk, who bad not been in the practice of wait:,lg on real Indians. , ANECDOTES OF FOREST. Why the Confederate Leader Oezlix. ed to Correct Hi. Spelling. "General Forrest of the Confederate army," said an ex -Confederate officer, "was a military genius of the first rank. Without previous training or any developed taste In that direction he trent into the army from a place as overseer and attained commanding rank absolutely by merit. Rough and ancouth at first, he became in later life a courtly gentleman whom it was a pleasure to meet and to know. 1 re- member on one occasion some time aft- er the war coming up the Potomac with him I wanted to introduce a young woman who was under my es- cort. He said he was flattered by the equest, but that he could not meet sr unless she knew perfectly well who t was and that be was not held in high esteem by the northern people chiefly on account of the Fort Pillow affair. I assured him that she was ful- ly apprised of his record, and then he ,went with me to meet her, and she told me latershe had never met a more at- tractive man. "Earlier In his career — that is, bee fore he had learned to spell—else wa/ asked by a young lady to put his auto- graph in her album. He wrote his name as requested and under it his title, 'ma- jor general of calvary,' as he spelled it. The lady called his attention to it in a very delicate way, and be looked at It a moment, and with a full conscious- ness that he was lacking in that regard and with a benutifuI and scarcely to be xpected humility he said, 'Let It stand b sbow how ignorant General Forrest Is.' There are not many men who would have done that, I imagine, and It was the little things that showeg the man's true greatness." "As Mad as a Batter." Probably very few persons who fre- quently use the expression "As mad as a hatter" have any idea as to what it means or why a hatter Is necessarily any more subject to tits of anger than a plumber, a blacksmith or a carpen- ter. The expression Is said to have come into use half a century ago, when the manufacture of hats was done wholly by hand. The most striking thing about the process was that of the beating up of the felt. The hatter first dipped the mass of wool and hair fre- quently into hot water; then, seizing a stick In each hand. he belabored tbe mass most vigorously, stopping now and thento get his breath, until the material was matted together in a rough sort of felt. The lively beating administered to the telt, as if the work- man were actually incensed, gave rise to the familiar simile. An Uneven Contest. "They had a lively boxing match at Splinter's the other night" "Flow was that?" "Splinter carne home late, and as he passed through tbe hall his wife's tall- est palm touched him on the cheek. Splinter was In an excited condition and thought it was somebody's fingers. So he struck out wildly with both fists and succeeded in knocking over two patina and severely bumping his own head" "Blit why do you pill it a boing match?' "Because Splinter, put abp his knuc- kles against his w"e's palms," Why Elia Life Wan a Failure, "Yes, I consider my life a failure." "Oh. Henry, how sad! Why should you say that" "1 spent alit my time making money enough to buy food and clothes, and the food disagrees with toe, and my clothes don't tit."—Life, E[is Fervent novo. Mrs. Sieepyize—Henry, t11e alarm clock just went off. Mr. Steepylze--Thank goodness! I hppe the thing'll bevel' come back,- Ohio State dour;#4-. , . .. _._.--�,,..;.1 CONVENT LANTERNS, As Old. Y;'nd With Modern. IttlitrOYe. menta—An I.lectrieal In the old days a favorite fad for travelers in ancient lauds was the col- lection of lanterns, Those from ruined convents, decayed mosques and hover. ty stricken shrines were prime favor- ites. The fad is not entirely dead, but the supply has run so short that now enterprising arms in Birmingham, England, and in New York turn out large numbers of excellent imitations, The new ones are machine made and so far as strength and durability are concerned are superior to the ancient designs, which were hand made. but the latter in many instances were or- namented with inlaid work as well as with carving and twisting of the most artistic type. The machine made goods can never reproduce these latter char- acteristics so well as to deceive an ex- pert. The material of the lanterns varies from fine woods and glass to iron, steel, brass, bronze, copper, pewter and even silver. The simplest forms are cylinders which are perforated with numeous holes so as to resemble the clumsy sieve. Then come globes, cubes, octahedra, hexagonal prisms, ovoids and more complex solid forms. The prettiest of all are the mosque lan- terns. Many of them are of bronze in- laid with silver, pierced with little win- dows and these closed in turn with white or colored glass. With a lighted candle inside they look like a mass of jewels in a dark room. A wealthy man on Brooklyn heights who has traveled a great deal has one of his rooms illuminated by lanterns of this type. They range in size from small affairs four inches in diameter to stately lamps a foot in diameter and two feet high. In place of candles in- side he employs electric lights. one bulb to the smaller lanterns and three, four and a dozen to the Larger ones. When the current is turned on, the splendor of the effect is almost star- tling. The colors of the glass have been deepened and made richer by the years, and the radiance they give may be compared to that from a creat oriel In a Gothic cathedral. COMEDY IN THE AMBULANCE A Doctor's Story of a Man and a Wo- man. Each With a Broken Leg. "When I was an ambulance sur- geon," said the young family physi- cian, "I used to start like a fire horse at the sound of the call. I was just as much interested in the work at the end of two years as 1 was the day I began. It was the excite' lent of the life that made me so foud of it. I had all sorts of experiences at all sorts of hours. There was an element of danger in it, too. but that only added to the charm. "One night I bad a call from the west tilde in the neighborhood of Chelsea square. It was for a drunken man who fell down and broke his leg. On the way back to the hospital with him I picked up a drunken woman to whom a similar accident had happened. There was nothing to do but put her In the ambulance along with the man. "After that the ride across town was exciting enough for a cowboy. At first the patients sympathized with each other. Then they began to cry in cho- rus. At Broadway they fell to kissing each other. At Third avenue they were fighting like a pair of Kilkenny cats, and I had my hands full in keeping them apart. The woman bad scratch- ed the man's face dreadfully, and he bad nearly closed her eye with a punch. When we struck the asphalt in Twen- ty-sixth street, they were singing 'We Have All Been There Before Many a '.lime' and such singing! The uproar attracted a crowd who evidently thought I bad an ambulance full of lu- natics. When we reached the gate, they swore eternal friendship, and at the office they parted in tears," She Knew All About It. "I' was dining out one evening among it notable company of people, most of whom I knew only by reputation," says George Inness, Jr.. in The Horne Jour- nal. "I was assigned a seat next to a very charming and intellectual woman and did my best to entertain her. Said I: 'What can I talk about that will in- terest you? 1 have had some little ex- perience as a cavalryman. Possibly you may care to hear something about horses in the field.' "'Why, yes; certainly,' answered my fair companion. '1 know a little con- cerning army life, and I once wrote a book called "Boots and Saddles."' And then it dawned upon my poor, dull brain that I was talking to the widow of the great cavalry leader, General Custer, so I said no more about horses or army life." Things Washington Never Saw. It is bard to make it seem true that Washington, JetTerson, Franklin and the fathers of the republic never saw a railroad or a telegraph line or a sewing machine or a photograph or a typewit- er or a rubber band or shoe or a piano or a stem winding watch or a cyclope- dia or a dictionary or a chromo or a steel engraving or n friction match or a heating stove or a furnace or a gas or or an electric light or a fire engine or a thousand and one other things com- mon to every one today.- Not oday: Not Disposed to Dispute. Aunt Hannah -Ob, you fool of a girl! Just because a man tells you you are the prettiest woman in the world and the wisest and sweetest you believe him. Arabella--And why shouldn't T? DO you know, aunty, 1 kind or think so Myself,- • .i1'sefu1 to a Stateissunn. "Then you are no ashamed of your humble origin?" "Oh, no;; it's part of Ina political ttMpltal."'a . � tiNDt3R THE 5• The niers who have gone before Bare suing the songs we sins,,. The words of our clamorous clip They were heard of the ancient The chords of the lyre that Own '1'iaey were struck in the years And the arrows of death that ''ail Are found where our fathers 11 The vanity sung' of the preacher le vanity still today; The moan of the stricken creates Vas rung in the woods alway. But the songs are worth resin inb 1V1th the change of no single n And the spoken words are ringing As they rang in the years remot There is no new road to follow, 1 Nor Treed there ever be,. For the old, with its hill and boll Is enough for you and roe. WHAT MODERN SAILOR Not Winds and Seas, but of sloe Which Scuttles the "Boiler explosions are the the seafaring man," said an deep water captain. "Such a bad enough on dry land, but 1 catastrophe of that kind at ninety-nine cases out of a la means the absolute wiping of craft itself and every soul on 1 '•Tbe average landsman w greatly shocked in looking maritime records to see how m sets disappear each year an absolutely no clew to their fat run well up to the hundred ina such a mystery is not to be e: away by storms. A Chinese may swoop down like lightnin a clear sky and tear a ship tc but some floating wreckage is tell the tale. A boiler explosion contrary, will blow a hole as 1 railroad tunnel right through tb of the hull, and the stricken simply goes down like a shot is no time to unfasten a boat f davits or cut loose a spar. "in the opinion of seamen, the story of at least 90 per cen ships that leave port and aa heard of again. Luckily the system of marine boiler In. is extremely strict and tboroug is impossible to absolutely carelessness and fraud, ant enough, no doubt, the fault 1 the engineer. "There is an old story of a Scotchman who mistook t mometer for the steam gage an ed out' the stokers because he get the pressure above S0. TI will hardly hold water, but I cases almost as bad. I am gla however, that during the past there has been a steady dimin. the number of vessels whic terlously disappear,' That is pond all question, to tine i stringency of boiler inspection greater strictness of examine fore a license is issued to er Nevertheless there is still con - room for improvement branches.' Mussel' and Hie Songs The late Henry Russell, the English composer of "Cheer, Cheer," and of more than SO songs which were popular in th had many amusing experience he sang his ballads on variou slons. Once, after rendering "Wo Spare That Tree," a gentleman the gallery and asked, "Was t spared?" On being answered affirmative he, with a sigh of ht relief, exclaimed, "Thank Cie that!" After .singing the song of "T1 Carlo," who jumped off an A liner and saved a child's life, 1 was gravely waited upon by a of Yorkshire miners, who beggt for a pup. One of Russell's songs, of wit words were changed in acco with the altered conditions, is o tional anthem, "Columbia, the C the Ocean."—Argonaut, Wanted to Go to One of ills ding's, The Rev. Dr. —, a prominen gyman, relates with much gas following story about himself. present wife, by the way, is nt wife of his youth nor yet of his manhood. but the lady of bis choice, and as a consequence th tor's set of olive branches spriug divers maternal ancestry. "Such a condition of affairs," the doctor, "might at times b embarrassing except for the tion amiability of all concerned. I con however, to a slightly disconc feeling when shortly before my marriage I was approached by of my daughters, a girl of 9 and one called my second wife mother, the question: 'Papa, will you le go to see you married? i have t been at any of your weddings.' Feline Doptleit It was during the natural hl hour. "Give me," asked the teacher, example of the alleged deceitful atter of the cat." "In restaurants ft is sometimes to pass itself off for a rahbit," nus ed the head boy Dlvining mode. The only trustworthy divining that has ever been made is fortuua cheap. It has a steel head and a a en handle and is shaped something an anchor. Any man who wants should go to a hardware store and for a pickax. --Youth's Companion. A fool forms an alliance Witt straws driven by the winch; a wise forms an alliance with the wind.— sago News. The first savings bank in the Ur States_wos••established In IS10,