HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Wingham Advance-Times, 1983-02-02, Page 27}
Bill Smiley
'1"Vllere elle 'flu
autimilammiNaw
Sorry if my eight or nine
faithful readers • missed a
column or two. 'Twere the
fault of the 'flu. I can usually
belt out a column regardless
of weather, wife, or nuclear
explosions, the latter two
being much alike, but this
time I was laid -lower than a
grasshopper's anus, right
from before Christmas
through the New Year. Must
be getting old and soft.
It's hard to turn out a
column of deathless, some-
times desperate prose when
your brain is like putty, your
fingers are like dough, and
,your legs are like clay sticks,
while your stomach is mak-
ing like a cement mixture
and producing something
much like cement.
I can usually find a topic
this time of year: a savage
attack on the Canadian win-
ter. But I can't even do that.
Christmas was warmer than
August, warmer than Eng-
land, according to a col-
league who was there, and
superior to Puerto Rico,
where it rained and rained
and blew the palm trees
horizontal, according to an-
other colleague who went off
for "a week in the sun". And
serves her right,
Despite my decrepitude, I
tried to struggle through.
Have you ever played chess
or Monopoly with a bright
eight-year-old who can beat
you at either, even when
you're in top shape?
Have you ever tried to re-
pair broken toys on Christ-
mas morning with a sharp
six-year-old when your
hands are shaking with the
augue and your mind is fixed
on your next spurt to the
bathroom?
Have you ever coped with
a wife who moans, "But you
always make the dress uatgg
and help me with the
gravy!", when all you want
to do is crawl into a hole,
cover yourself with some-
thing, even dressing, and
quietly expire?
I compromised. In the
shape of an octogenarian
leper who has just had a
massive stroke, I stuffed the
ruddy beast, trussed it, and
jammed it into the oven, be-
fore collapsing.
But I got ray revenge on
those who frittered around
making cups of tea while I
labored over the creature..
Told them I'd spit on my
hands before I mixed the
stuffing. That almost, but not
quite, threw the' m off their
Christmas dinner. I nibbled
a, bit of 'flu -filled stuffing,
proclaimed it excellent, and
they ate like pigs.
•It was only through, the
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greatest fortitude that I was
able to get a little brandy
down, now and again, to keep
Death at His distance.
But it wasn't all bad. It
never is, if you keep you
pecker up. No small chore in
these days or economic and
political gloom.
Because of my condition, I
let the old girl make all the
Christmas telephone, calls to
old friends and relatives.
That probably cost me about
$200, as she has a propensity
to believing that long
distance calls are made to
somebody just around the
corner, even when -they're
six hundred miles away, and
can chat amiable for half an
hour about sweet fanny
adams.
And I managed to totter to
the telephone on New Year's
Eve and talk to a couple of
old turkeys who joined the
air force the. day I did. I
could have saved my breath,
what was left of it, on that
one. They were in worse
shape than I was. And they
didn't have the 'flu.
Got some cards from old
friends: Don McCuaig, ask-
ing me to come and help him
dig a'hole in the ice for fish-
ing, up in the Ottawa Valley;
the Cadogans of New Bruns-
wick, telling me to get that
book published. Exactly the
kind of activities I felt like.
But don't worry, chaps.
We'll get some of those trout
yet, McCuaig, even if we
have to use dynamite. And
we'll get .that book written
yet, Cadogans. Even if we
have to use a computer, a
ghost writer and a team of
doctors.
Missed my usual card
from Major McEwen, who
teaches playing the bagpipes
in California, if you can
imagine anything more in-
congruous. He was a mere 84
last Christmas, so he may be
slowing down.
But my old pal in Westport
didn't fail me. He signs his
cards only, "Your TV Re-,
pairman", but they always
come through.
Here's this year's: "Merry
Christmas Smiley and lots
more. Thank you for another
year of your cheerful wit. I
can't imagine anyone en-
joying your column more
than I do. Don't you dare to
retire. The world needs you,
and you do a lot of good.
Some day when I get over
being silly: And. the.Swelling
goes down in myhead, I'll let
the air out of my ego and
write you a bragging letter
that will make B.S. smell
like roses. In the meantime,
stay just like you are and I'll
keep buying any paper that
carries your column."
Earthy but uplifting. It al-
most ended my 'flu. One of
these days I'm going t� hire
a private eye and track the
ould divel down.
My Christmas tree,
erected in fifteen minutes by
a friend wilearrived sudden-
ly and cheefully, while cele-
brating an anniversary,
didn't fall down. My grand-
children still love me ... I
haven't been fired, despite
due cause. My wife hasn't
left me, despite due cause.
Ail in all, despite the 'flu,
not too bad. I even got a re-
fund from National Revenue.
It took only from April to late
December to find their error.
I'm almost healthy again.
The only thing I'm dreading
at the moment, is the arrival
of my Chargex account for
December.
Hair stands up
Linked to most of your
scalp, hair shafts are small
erector muscles which, when
the nervous system is excit-
ed, cause the hair to stiffen
and project at right angles
from the skin.
Crossroads -Feb. 2, 1983 -Page 15
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Wed., Feb. 9
AFTERNOON
12:00 Barbara McLeod
Show 5
Jeffersons 79
.Leave It to Beaver 3
Cartoons 10, 8
Flintstones 13
Big Valley 4C
News 6, 7
Midday 4
12:25 Agri -News 13
12:30 Agri -News 8
The Young and
Restless 4
Wok with Yan 5
Body Moves 11
Definition 13
Ryan's Hope 7, 79
News 10, 3
12:35 Noon Report 8
1:00 Alan Thicke Show 13
Here's Lucy 79
Let's Make a peal 6
, You Asked For It 4C
Days of Our Lives 11
All My Children 7, 8,
5,3,10
1:30 News 4C
Micro Magic 79
As the World Turns 6,
4
2:00 City Lights 79
Dick Van Dyke 4C
Movie, "Denver and
the Rio Grande" 10
Take 30, 8, 5, 3
One Life to Live 7, 11
Another World 13
2:30 Coronation Street 5
Capitol 4
Andy Griffith 4C
Good Company 3
Wok with Yan 8
Galloping Gourmet 79
Pitfall 6
3:00 You're Beautiful 79
Capitol 11
General Hospital 13, 7
I Dream of Jeannie
4C
Daytime Challenge 5,
3
Three's Company 8
The Guiding Light 6, 4
3:30 Jeffersons 8
Soapbox 11
Kidsworld 9
Pink Panther 4C
Coming Attractions 5,
3
Take 30, 10
4:00 Daytime Challenge 10
Superfriends 4C
Leave It to Beaver 3
The New Shmoo 6
Eight Is Enough 4
Little House on the
Prairie 8, 7
-The Young and the
Restless 11
The Bob Newhart
Show 13
Do It for Yourself 5
Rockford Files 79
4:30 Gilligan's Island 6
Tattletales 13
Going Great 5
Three's Company 10
Scooby Doo 4C
Happy Days 3
5:00 The Price Is Right 79,
8, 10
Jeffersons 7
Hogan's Heros 13
Little House on the
Prairie 11
Charlie's Angels 4
Happy Days 5
Three's Company 3
Starsky and Hutch 6
Incredible Hulk 9C
5:30 News 3
Three's Company 5
WKRP 13, 7
Moppet Show 9C
6:00 News 6, 11, 10, 8, 7, 13,
5, 4
Little House ... A New
Beginning 3
Muppet Show 4C
Citypulse 79
St Clair
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Waterloo, 886-2769
Mon - Fri 9.:30. 9:30
Sat. 9:30 - 6:00
6:30 Laverne & Shirley 4C
News 7, 4
7:00 Trapper John M.D. 10
Joker's Wild 4
Barney Miller 9C
That's Incredible 8
The Facts of Life 5
National Geographic
Australia 13
Entertainment
Tonight 11
Laverne & Shirley 79
That's Life 6
Lie Detector 7
7:30 ', ou Asked For It 6
nce. Fever 4
'Cherry's
apevine 11
effersons 4C ,
Reach for the Top 5
Family Feud 7
MASH 79
8:00 Movie, "M•A*S•H" 79
Real People 6
Special; °°Hollywood:
The Gift of Laughter"
11
Seven Brides for
Seven Brothers 4
Odd Couple 4C
Nature of Things 8, 5,
3, 10
Tales of the Gold
Monkey 7, 13 -
8: 30 NCAA Basketball 4C
9:00 The Fall Guy 7
Movies, "Winds of
War" (Pt. 4) 13;
"TBA" 4
SCTV 3
Wild Animals of the
World 8
Love Boat 6
Portraits 5
Tommy Hunter Show
10 .
9:30 Night Gallery 8
10:00 The Tonight Show 6
National 8, 5, 3, 10
Dynasty 7 '
10:20 Journal 8, 5, 3, 10
10:30 Citypulse Tonight 79
News 4C.
11:00 News 6, 13, 8, 5, 3, 10,
7, 4, 11
NCAA Basketball 4C
11:05 Newsfinal 5
11:20 Local News 13
11:30 Sportsline 6
Family Brown 11
Movies, "Sltmmer7
time Killer' 8; "Dark
Places" 3; "Spys" 79
Shelley 10
Barney Miller 5, 4
Nightline 7
12:00 The Last Word 7
Highlights 5
Hawaii Five -O 11.
Good Times 6
Hart to Hart 4
Movie, "Torn
Curtain" 13
Rockford Files 10
1:00 Movies, "The Solitary
Man" 4; "Namu, The
Killer Whale " 4C
Dick Van Dyke ll
News 7
2:30 Headline Service 4
3:00 Nightbeat 4C
Night Watch 4
3:30 News 4C
4:00 Movie, "Riders of
Destiny" 4C
BOOK REVIEW
THE FILMS OF
CHARLTON HESTON. By
John Williams. Greenhaven
Press, Inc., 577 Shoreview
Park Road, St. Paul, Minn.
48 pp. U.S. $6.95.
Reviewed by
PERCY MADDUX
Not only is Charlton Hes-
ton a big man physically,
standing six feet tree in-
ches, but he is a big name in
epic cinema, yet epic is not
all that he has done. He has
been very active in stage and
film productions. As he is
still alive, a book of his films
cannot be definitive.
However, John Williams'
little volume "The Films of
Charlton Heston" gives an
account of the actor's life
and lists all of his films to the
date of writing. There are
many sidelights on
production and the book is
full of splendid black and
white photographs.
LIKE IT QUiET
Advanced -designed Pratt
and Whitney engines and
Hamilton Standard wide -
blade propellers...make
Canada's de Havilland Short
Take Off and Landing
(STOL), 50 -seat Dash 7 the
world's quietest short -haul
airliner.
Movies on Channel 6
THURSDAY MIDNIGHT -"W". A young bride with a mys-
sterious past is haunted by dreams of an unearthly power
only to have her dreams become reality. Starring Twiggy,
Michael Witney, Dirk Benedict.
FRIDAY MIDNIGHT -"VISIONS". A clairvoyant professor
comes under suspicion when he reports his vision of a
bombing to police prior to its occurence. Starring Monte
Markham, Barbara Anderson, Telly Savalas, Tim O'Con-
nor.
SATURDAY MIDNIGHT -"HUSTLE". A tough police detec-
tive, who is romantically involved with a high-priced can
girl, takes on the investigation of a young woman's death
after her father insists that the apparent suicide is really
murder. Starring Burt Reynolds, Catherine Deneuve,
Eileen Brennan, Eddie Albert.
SATURDAY, 2:2Q -"THE PSYCHOPATH". A series of mur-
ders, linked only by small dolls found at the murder scenes
baffles the police inspector assigned to the case. Starring
Patrick Wvmai°k. Margaret Johnston, John Standing.
SUNDAY. 8:00 P.M. -"FLESH AND BLOOD°°. (Part 1 of 2).
The story of a young punk turned boxer and his beautiful,
lonely mother. Bobby lives the life of a street -kid and his
brawls lead him to a prison term. While there, he is recog-
nized as a possible boxing talent by a fight manager. His
aspirations and impatience to reach the top of his pro-
fession are jeopardized by the strong emotional ties he
feels with his mother. Starring Tom Berenger, Suzanne
Plesh'i'e. John ('assavetes. Mitchell Ryan.
S1NDAtr' MIDNIGHT -'°CRIME CLUB". A private detec-
tive assumes a case when the death of a friend's sons be-
comes a murder investigation. Starring Lloyd Bridges,
Paul Burke, David Hedison, Martin Sheen, Cloris Leach-
man.
Movies on Channel 4
SATURDAY, 9:00 P.M. -"10". Starring Bo Derek, Dudley
Moore. George Webber is 42, a highly successful pop com-
poser, and yet curiously unsatisfied. He finds himself rat-
ing passing women on a scale of 1 to 10 ... his standards are
Tough! Then one day, at an intersection in Hollywood,
George gives chase to the perfect '10' . , . to bring her a
pure and enduring love.
SUNDAY, 8:00 P.M. -"ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN". A
barroom brawler teams up with an orangutan for fun and
adventure. Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Ruth Gordon.
MONDAY, 9:00 P.M. -"PACKING IT iN". Paula Prentiss,
Richard Benjamin. In this wacky but sobering comedy, the
vicissitudes of modern life seem to have ganged up on Gary
and Diana Webber, an attractive L.A. couple struggling to
cope with big city problems such as inflation, smog, traffic
and crime. The Webhers decide to pack it in and follow
their neighbors Charlie and Rita to the simplicity of wilder-
ness living in Oregon. They find Oregon is not as wonderful
it has Seemed from L.A. They had to adjust to the lack of
everyday luxuries such as indoor plumbing and TV. Even
local residents did not make adjusting easy - stealing
their hard won supplies became common place.
TUESDAY, 9:00 P.M.-"CADDYSHACK°°. Stars • Chevy
Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight. The story of the
hilarious antics at a posh golf club. Also starring Bill Mur-
ray.
WEDNESDAY, 12:30 -"SOLITARY MAN". A solid, blue-col-
lar family man conies home one day with the good news
that he is due for a job promotion. Instead of sharing his
joy, his wife explodes with the shocking news that she
wants a divorce.