Wingham Advance-Times, 1977-10-26, Page 14kieY
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tato The Wingham Advance -Times, October 26, 1977
avonne Ballagh
Joy before de
"Y Veswith death 24 hours a
day. ut the most difficult death
to face is one's own. One girl did
— and experienced a "peace of
the most profound serenity", a
joy before.death.
0-0—o
On a warm day in June 950,
a daughter was born to -lartand
Mrs. George Hilliard. Mr. Hil-
liard's sister was Mrs. R. H.
Turnbull, whose husband, Rev.
R. H. Turnbull had served the
Belmore United Church charge in
the early 1930s. Their last charge
was in Toronto and after retire-
ment they went to Florida.
The Hilliards named their
daughter Anya Maureen. A
bright perceptive child, she was
to grow up to become an attrac-
tive and brilliant young lady,
graduating from Yale University
in June 197. She then enrolled in
Candler School of Theology in At-
lanta, Georgia.
But Anya Maureen Hilliard's
purpose in life was not to be a
theologian, nor even to graudate
from Candler. A short time after
her admission to Candler, she
learned she was terminally ill
with leukemia. She was face to
face with her own death and des-
truction. Life, which had once
looked so hopeful and promising,
now held new meaning — and
new dread. Every minute was
precious but also brought terror
because it brought her cl?ser to
that day when life would end.
0-0-0
Man is strange. He complains
about the cruel hand dealt him by
life; he maintains that there must
be a better way; he regrets the
way the world is going. Yet he
seldom considers the alternative.
Death is the final enemy — a
struggle from which no man re-
turns. Yet it seems to be "every-
one else's problem, not mine".
The "I am indestructible" atti-
tude shows itself in many ways.
Man refuses to make a will be-
cause a will speaks for a dead
man. He makes no plans for his
funeral or final resting place be-
cause this only reminds him that
this fine specimen of manhood
will one day turn to dust. Life in-
surance is a ripoff and besides,
why should he worry about his
family now? He's young. Death
only comes to the aged and then it
is a friend, an everlasting pain-
less sleep.
FEAR BEGINS EARLY
Of all man's fears, the fear of
death, or necrophobia, is one of
the most common. Our hate
affair with death begins when we
are children. Grandma becomes
sick and is taken to a hospital,
which to a child is a big,white,
strong -smelling building where
he isn't allowed to talk above a
whisper or have any fun. Even at
that, he is lucky if he sees
Grandma one a month. Finally,
in this great mysterS, that people
call life, Grandma disappears.
Mother cries and explains that
Grandma has gone to sleep and
will never waken. The child is ex-
pected to remember Grandma
"the way she was".
She is taken to an impersonal
funeral home where she rests
where hundreds of others have
rested — on the west wall facing a
beautiful painting of a landscape,
flanked by colored scented
candles, completely surrounded
by purple velvet. Junior isn't
taken to the funeral home be-
cause the experience 'night be
npsetting. Two days later, he sits,
in awe as somebody soleinnly
talks -about death.. And he starts
to hate this Death for taking
Grandma, for making Mother cry
and for making so many people
unhappy. He is taken home and
expected to adjust to a loss he
never understood. And his bitter-
ness and hate only increase.
Subconsciously, as this child
grows older and tries to under-
stand death, his bitterness turns
to fear. He becomes Grandma.
He sees illness taking him away
from family -and friends, he sees
himself lying on that sickbed —
the humiliation of asking for a
bedpan, the awful feeling of
becoming a number, a statistic.
The inhumanity of being fastened
to a machine, the hurt of hearing
your family quarreling about
your money when they think you
are "too far gone" to hear. And
we don't want it to happen to us.
Death means extinction. It is
the end of the world, a disaster
which rends us from our homes,
our families, our friends. It is the
end of. all our dreams, our hopes,
our enjoyment. It is the end of
"Me".
NOT ALWAYS AN ENEMY
Modern science and technology
have cheated death in many
ways. The Biblical "threescore
years and ten" no longer applies.
In the 1970s, it is more like four-
score and ten. But lengthening
life isnot always good. And death
is not always an enemy. Life can
become a mere existence, for
some a nothingness, for others
torture and suffering.
Karen Ann Quinlan existed for
two years with the help of
Machines. Her parents ,pleaded
with the doctors to disconnect
them and let her die with dignity:
After a long and hard-fought
court battle, they won their ap-
peal and she •was taken from the
machines and moved to a nursing
home. But she did not die. She
confirmed her meaningless noth-
ingness. For Karen ,Ann, death
would be a friend.
Because of her experience the
Euthanasia Educational Council
in the United States has prepared
a "Living Will" which will hope-
fully prevent this from happening
to others. It reads in part: "If the
time comes when I (name) can
no longer take part in decisions
for my own future, let this state-
ment stand as an expression of
my wishes, while I am still of
sound mind. If the situation
should arise in which there is no
reasonable expectation of my
recovery from physical or mental
disability, I request that I be
allowed to die and not be kept
alive by artificial means or
heroie measures. I, therefore,
ask that medication be merci-
fully administered to me to al-
leviate suffering even though this
may hasten the moment of
death".
, „- - • ',0;;A:10105P4Ifor
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LAST WILL—Signing a last will and testament not only sig-
nifies you realize death Is a part of living, but it ensures that
your wishes are carried out after you are gone. Many people
who refuse to sign a will, for fear of facing reality or for
whatever reason, leave only confusion for loved ones when
death Occurs.
Though the Living Will is not
legally binding, it has won ap-
proval of Lawyers and doctors. If
people decide they want one, they
are asked to make three signed
copies, one for themselves, one
for their doctor and one for a
close relative or friend. And it
must be redated and initialed
annually.
THE FIVE STAGES
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in
her book, "On Death and Dying",
tells of her interviews and work
with the dying. She speaks of five
different stages or attitudes that
patients experience as they face
their own deaths.
The initial denial, she writes, is
"usually a temporary defense", a
feeling that the doctors must be
wrong for such a thing could
"never happen to me". But she
maintains that this denial is
necessary for many patients who
need it "to remain sane" and
must get on with the business of
living. This denial stage is often
manifested by going elsewhere
for help,' often to a faith healer.
The patient comes back with no
doubt that he is healed, because
he cannot believe that the death
sentence is meant for him.
Following this feeling of denial,
comes a feeling of anger. This
stage is often most difficult for
family members and those work-
ing with the dying patient. His
anger very often becomes "dis-
placed in all directions and pro-
jected onto the environment at
times almost at random".
The dying patient is angry be-
cause he feels cheated. He sees
others enjoying life and he is
angry because they are more for-
tunate than he. He asks "Why
me?" He has always lived a
better life than his neighbor; why
should he be the one to suffer
while his neighbor has never had
a sick day in his life? Everyone
becomes the target of his anger.
He even points his anger and
bitterness toward God for "deal-
ing him this rotten hand" but in
the end, his anger will only
alienate him from others and
destroy his inner resources.
The third stage is the stage of
bargaining, a period in which the
dying person tries to com-
promise. In desperation, he tries
to postpone the inevitable,a Most
of his bargains are made with
God. He promises all kinds of
things if he is given more time.
He will go to church every Sun-
day if he is granted a new lease
on life; he will dedicate his life to
God's service. He wants just ,"one
more chance" and he will
promise anything to get that last
chance.
When the last chance does not
Come, he enters the fourth stage,
depression. This overwhelming
feeling smothers the dying
patient for two reasons. First, he
suffers from a "reactive"
depression because of the cir-
cumstances surrounding his life.
He is worried because he feels his
family may not be able to cope or
important matters will not be
looked after. He is'sad because he
feels his death will create such
• traumatic change for others that
they will be unable to adjust to it.
He regrets all the things he did
not do when he was well and all
the opportbnities that were lost.
The second kind of depression
is preparatory, a silent mourning
• period during which the patient
tries to prepare himself for the
breaking of all ties,'the snatching
away from the wotld and every-
one he loves. It is often during
this time that the patient will ask
for his hope to be bolstered and
reassurance to be given that what
lies ahead is good. He needs this
look ahead— to the last stage —
the stage of acceptance.
• The final stage is one of quiet
resignation. It is- a time when the
dying patient wishes to be left
alone. He is preparing himself for
the final moment, clearing his
mind of all memory and looking
only ahead. It is easier, writes
Dr. Kubler-Ross, if patients "are
allowed and helped to detach
themselves slowly from all the
meaningful relationships in their
life". This is also the stage which
is most difficult for the patient's
loved ones. There is little com-
munication and at times, not
much acknowledgment. But
these silent moments can also be
most meaningful for people who
are "not uncomfortable in the
p'resence of a dying person".
It was such a meaningful
moment I experienced a few
years ago when I visited a friend
in hospital two weeks before she
died. She was weak and sick and
knew her time was brief. She
dreaded hearing the meal carts
being wheeled down the corridor
for she could not keep even a
mouthful of water on her
stomach. But she talked of accep-
aa•
th
tance. Her children were all
grown, they no longer needed
her. And she wasn't afraid.
There was something special
about that hospital room — al-
most a holiness there. Leaving
her and stepping into the corridor
was like'stepping out of the sun-
light. This was only one meaning-
ful moment shared dtirhag that
last stage of acceptance.
WORKING CLOSELY
WITH THE DYING
Unfortunately medical sehrwo,
do not always teach human un-
derstanding. A recent • report
from the provincial health dis-
ciplines board says that too often
patients are not treated as
people ,.DoctOrs know everything
about human anatomy and how to
treat every physical illness but
"empathy', courtesy and other
characteristics usually as-
sociated with a caring indi-
vidual" are sadly neglected.
During a 15 -month period, 85
complaints were heard from pa-
tients who cited mainly com-
munication or personality prob-
lems experienced with their
physicians who seemed "arro-
gant and insensitive". "As-
sembly -line" methods that
treat the patient more like a
machine than a human being
Were a concern to the board.
The doctor is almost always
able to lessen physical suffering
but finds it difficult to answer the
mental and emotional needs of
the dying patient. One clergyman
said he would like to see more
teamwork, the doctor and clergy-
man working together during the
last months to bring the patient to
acceptance. Most • doctors are
honest with their patients. "You
can't fool too many people," said
one. But they do take into con-
sideration a patient's "ability to
accept". If they feel it is wiser to
keep such information from a pa-
tient, they will delay the verdict
as long as possible.
As the lengthy torture of a
terminal illness proceeds, how-
ever, the patient is frequently left
alone. One doctor believes this is
because people are "afraid" to
face the truth. Doctors' visits are
less frequent and usually brief.
Nurses let bells ring unanswered
because they are afraid they will
be confronted with , questions.
Even some clergymen lack an-
swers and therefore do not viit
as often as before. For the dying
patient, that final stage of accep-
tance must often be reached
alone because there is no one else
around.
Those working closely with the
dying patient all agree that
"some breeze through it; others
fight until the end". Very often
those who "breeze through it"
rely on a strong religious faith.
They believe that life on the other
side is peaceful and joyful and the
last moments before death are a
beginning -of that life. One doctor
admits, though, that "breezing
through it" is not always good,
for it means the patient has "let
go of life". He stops fighting and
wants to die. •
For sane, death is accepted
because they are content with,
their lives and feel they are ready
to die. No strong faith accom-
panies their journey into the un-
known but they can confidently
believe that life has been
meaningful for them and they are
not afraid of what lies ahead,
though they cannot begin to
understand it.
Clergymen and doctors alike
believe that in his own mind, man
is basically a hopeful being.
"Most people believe in some
form of life after death," one
clergyman said. Since man is
basically spiritual', even the non-
believer wants to cling to some
hope that there is something
better, but many doubt. They
want that reassurance that God is
Love and life goes on. Very often,
as. death grows nearer, they will
ask for that reassurance from
visiting clergy.'
MUCH TO GIVE
The dying, in their weakness,
still have much to give.
"Humility, patience through
suffering, deep faith, assurance"
were only some of the qualities
which were shared by those who
were closest to them in their last
hours. One clergyman said,
"Some are a pillar of strength; I
don't give them something, they
give me sofnething". One doctor
described death as having a great
deal of "beauty" — beauty that
modern society has taken away
because "death has become an
institution, a disease". He
blames much of this on the im-
personal way we treat death —
removing the patient from home
and loved ones where he is near
all the latest wonders of modern
technology but far from the love
and security he once knew. When
it comes to himself, the doctor
says, he would rather die at borne
than in a ward surrounded by
strangers, being treated by
nurses who are "scared.of me".
A British doctor recently
created a great deal of contro-
versy when he predicted that a
"death pill" would be available,
maybe even obligatory, by the
end of the century. Dr. John
Goundry believes that keeping
the aged alive is "meddling" and
that modern geriatric medicine
fails to realize that "death cannot
be avoided". Local doctors feel
this prediction is ridiculous. They
believe (and hope) it will never
become reality in Canada. Do
they feel geriatric medicine is
"meddling" in God's plan for the
living? "Absolutely not !", said
one. "It is making the twilight
years more beautiful and
livable." They agree, however,
that where no real life exists and
a patient is being kept alive by
machines only, death is indeed'a
friend.
ONE GIRL'S JOY
Sooner or later, each man in his
own heart must face the realiza-
tion that he is not indestructible.
The sooner man reaches some
kind of acceptance, the easier life
will be. With that acceptance will
come peace of mind and joy —
the joy Anya Maureen Hilliard
wrote about in a meditation on,
"Joy Before Death".
"In recent years there has been
a brisk growth in the medical
6rofessions concerning the
phenomena of death. We read
articles and studies on the dying
—on their stages of denial, rejec-
tion, acceptance, withdrawal —
and it is neessary to gain this
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71.'",19E-a'-^,TiaNCS:a."„p7,11t,f.'4iX"
knowledge: but there are other
voices, even in our day. And
though they are the voices that
perhaps are best heard in poetry,
or in music, I would like to affirm
with my own voice. Affirm, not a
stage, or a period, but a Being in
Joy.
For I am dying of a terminal
,disease and in my own humble
way, I believe that I have
wrestled, perhaps only in a most
elementary and primitive
fashion, with the central
dilemmas of death and mortality.
No amount of my struggle, no
amount of my thought, gained
more than a temporary, unrea-
listic stage; an extremely
tenuous and shadowy under-
standing of our frail and
anguished life. Strangely, though
at the time of these struggles I
was once again restructuring my
Christian faith, ,I was not ex-
plicitly seeking a religious an-
swer. I was restless. But I was
quietly blessed with Joy, not
dramatically, but with Joy, as a
gift of the Spirit, a reality of
Grace.
I am compelled to speak, of this
Joy: for, while we read of its
presence in the scriptures or in
famous memoirs, or hear of it at
the death -bed and at revivals, I
doubt if it is more than an illusive
mirage to most of us. We do not
realize it in its vibrant, living
form.
This Joy is not founded in the
fantasies and promises of an-
other world. It is not based in a
frantic yearning for Paradise.
Nor is it a denial of the validity
and vitality of this world. It
rejoices in life. Nor does it seek to
disengage from human relations.
It embraces the sorroWe of men
and women, and their dreams.
Nor does it ignore suffering 'or
pain; for truly Joy itself rose out
of agony. Joy is peace .. . A peace
of the most profound serenity. I
can only say that we accept this
peace in its simplicity, as the
children of God. I am startled by
the finite limitations of the intel-
lect here,. for I cannot conceptua-
lize this peace for you. But surely
the life and action of the Spirit
always breaks through concepts.
Such joyful peace is . . . a reality,
full of Grace and Truth.
You see, the reality of the Joy of
the Spirit, is that it does not allow
you to compartmentalize death.
You cannot separate it from life
— shutting the hospital doors or
closing the clinical study book, or
desperately sewing away the
memoriesof a lost loVed one. You
live with death 24 hours a day.
However, Joy with amazing sim-
plicity washes away the ordinary
human understanding of time
and space, of past and future.
Dimly, one perceives and ex-
periences the Eternal. The
Eternal — a breathless peace."
Anya Maureen Hilliard wrote
and delivered this meditation to
her fellow students in February
of 1973. On May 28 of that year,
she entered the "breathless
peace", not fearing what lay
beyond. The purpose of her life
may have rested in those final
words she spoke as she told
everyone, "You live with death 24
hours a day". She began her
Eternity in life — "breathless
peace" which began with peace
of mind as she learned that death
is merely a continuation of life
and it can be a good life as we
learn that only as the continuing
process of birth, life and death
revolves in an ever -moving cycle,
can we experience joy "in its
vibrant living form".
Joy, for Anya Maureen Hil-
liard, began before death and
continued, to carry her through
the valley of the shadow and be-
yond, washing away human
understanding and enveloping
her in the Eternal Breathless
Peace.
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TRUST COMPANY SNC E 1E109
O. N. Lefebvre, Manager,
Listowel, Ontario
You're asking
Why "wine and liquor lists do not
include a list of non-alcoholic
drinks"...why "alternative non-
alcoholic punches aren't offered
at parties' ...why "people are
always trying to spike' your drinks"
...wtly "if, a drunk gets behind the
wheel of a car and his wife reports
him, nothing is done — she is a
trouble -maker - unless he kills
someone,"
You're concerned
"Society makes you feel like a
freak if you don't drink".,," the
You're talking about the problems of alcohol in everyday life —
and that's bringing them into the open. You've written in from
coast to coast in response to 'Dialo§ue on drinking' to share your
suggestions, experiences and reactions. It's 'Clear that responsible
citizens — drinkers, non-drinkers, social drinkers, ex -drinkers,
teenagers, grandparents, social workers, students — are concerned
about Canada's alcohol problems. All agree there is a crying need
for moderation along with more information and education on
alcohol-related problems and some feel there is a need for a
change in attitude because "often more tolerance is shown to the
drunk than the non-drinker," even though responsible drinkers
and non-drinkers are in the majority.
message constantly creeched on
TV is you have to drink"..."25
glossy liquor ads ran in the same
issue of the magazine as your
black and white ad showing the
other side"..."the macho image
requires that a real 'he-man' be a
hard -drinking hero:"
You're pointing out
"In many small towns in Canada
the only social activity is to go
down to the local hotel for a few
drinks,"..."I'd rather sit next to a
smokelr on an aircraft than next to
a drunk but I don't see any non -
drinking sections"..."1 am not
advising absolute abstinence but
am absolutely convinced of the
immorality of permitting oneself to
become so intoxicated that one
inflicts harm on others."
You're suggesting
"A series of radio or TV programs
showing realistically what happens
when a person drinks too much"
..."bans or controls on advertising"
..."very severe penalties for im-
paired drivers"..."courses for
senior girls intent on marrying
young on handling the situation
of a drunk husband."
Andmyou're doing!
In Ontario, the Thunder Bay ,
Committee for 'Dialogue on
drinking' is well on its way... in
Nova Scotia. local committees
have joined with service clubs to
discuss with hundreds of people,
alcohol and its impact on the
commun4y. .. in Rothesay, New
Brunswick. 40 Knights of Colum-
• bus have asked how they can
help in northern Manitoba,
'Dialogue posters are appearing
everywhere even in tlielotel
washrooms.. Medicine Hat.
Alberta, has its Alcohorin the
Community Program ...and in
Vancouver, teenagers petitioned
against opening two liquor stores
because some of their friends had
been killed by drunk drivers.
Now, we're talking!
We're tall -sing about the problems
alcohol can cause...but better,
we're doing something about them
together...and because of your •
efforts, a more responsible attitude
to drinking is emerging.
"I see my own and my peers'
attitudes changing. Instead of
bragging how drunk we got bn a
particular night, we are more apt
to take pride in being able to .
control our consumption at a
reasonable level."
And that, after all is what
Dialoguekon drinking' is all about
• it's a program to help you talk
about and do something about
drinking problems. We'd like to
h e.a r more from you.
Dialogue on drinking
Ideas from concerned citizens and Operation Lifestyle.
1*
Health Sante et
and Welfate Bien -etre social
Canada Canada
Box 8888, Ottawa
Addiction Research Foundation
of Ontario,
33 Russell Street, Toronto
with Centres across the Province
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