The Wingham Advance-Times, 1985-12-18, Page 22Page 6A—Crossroads—Dec. 18, 1985
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E
Gifts
For
Him
wiliamlimmiumw Bill Smiley
December is a trying time.
For one thing, it's so Bang
sudden. There you are, tot-
tering along a day at a time,
thinking it's still fall and you
must get the snow tires and
storms on one of, these fine
Saturdays, and throw some
firewood into the cellar, and
get some boots and replace
the gloves you lost last
March. Christmas is away
off there.
And then — bang! — you
look out one morning, and
there's December, in all it's
unglory: a bitter east wind
driving snow, and a cold chill
settles in the very bones of
your soul.
Winter wind as sharp as a
witch's tooth sneaks in
around uncaulked doors and
windows. One's wife com-
plains of the terrible draught
from under the basement
door. You investigate and
find that one of the basement
windows has been blown in
and has smashed on the
woodpile. You clamber up
over the wood, knocking
pieces off shins and knuckles
and jam some cardboard in
the gap.
Creep cautiously outside,
and nearly bust your bum.
There's ice under that thar
snow. Make it to the garage,
and find that your car doors
are all frozen solid shut. Beat
them with your bare fists un-
til the latter are bleeding and
your car is full of dents.
Finally get them open with a
bucket of hot water and a
21 piece
1/4" DR Socket Set
20 piece
3/8" DR Socket Set
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Open & Box Wrenches Smooth3 5.7 5
SEE OUR COMPLETE ROU I'ER BIT SECTION
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1 100 Wallace Ave. N., Listowel
(519) 291-2280 _or,.,f/aI/ ,,/its/ ccrn,per,y—
December too so ti n
barrel of hotter language.
Slither and grease your
way to work, arriving in a
foul mood and with bare
hands crippled into claws,
bootless feet cold as a
witch's other appendage.
Come out off work to go
home and find a half-inch off
frozen rain and snow cover-
ing your car, and no sign of
your scraper, and another
deep dent where some idiot
slid into your car door on the
parking lot.
I could go on and on, but
it's only rubbing salt in -the
wounds off the average Cana-
dian. Get home from work
and find that the furnace is
on the blink, and the repair-
man is tied up for the next
two days. Arid your wife is
also fit to be tied up over
your dilatoriness.
Surely there is some way
around this suddeness of
December. Is there not some
far-seeing politician (if that
is not a contradiction in
terms), who would introduce
a bill to provide for an extra
month between, let's say,
November 25th and Decem-
ber 25th.
I wouldn't care what he
called it. It could be Lastem-
ber, referring to your fast -
dying hope that there
wouldn't be a winter this
year. Or Last Call, or Final
Warning, or She's Acomin!
Anything that gave us a good
jolt.
It would be a good thing for
merchants. They could have
special Lastember sales of
gloves and boots and snow
tires and ear muffs and
caulking guns . and weather
stripping and antifreeze and
nose warmers, before plung-,
ing into their pre -Christmas
sales, which are promptly
replaced by their January
sales.
It would be great for the
Post 'Office, which could
start warning us in June that
all Christmas mail must be
posted by the first day of
Lastember if we wanted it
delivered before the follow-
ing June.
. It would make a nice talk-
ing point for all' those desert-
ers and traitors and rich peo-
ple who go southvery year.
Instead' of smirking, "Oh,
we're not going south^'until
Boxing Day. Hate to miss an
old-fashioned Canadian
Christmas," they could real-
ly shove it to us by leering,
"Yes, we thought we'd wait
this«year until the last day.of
Lastember, you know. Avoid
the pushing and vulgarity of
the holiday rush."
If nothing else, it would
give us a breakfrom the
massive nauseating volume
of pre -Christmas advertis-
ing, which begins toward the
end of October and con-
tinues, remorselessly ., right
into Christmas Day.
Best of all, perhaps it
would give dummies like me
a chance to avoid looking
like such a dummy. Procras-
tinators, who flourish during
a' Sunny November, would
have no more excuses. All
their wives would have to do
is point to the calendar and
say, "Bill, do you realize it's
only three days until Las-
tember. Isn't it time you did
your Lastember chores?."
In fact, if that fearless
politician who is going to in-
troduce the Lastember Bill
in the house wants some ad -
vice, here is a .codicil for
him. Somewhere in the Bill
should be the warning, in
bold type: "Procrastinators
will be Prosecuted!" Jeez,
why not? They prosecute you
for everything else.
If such a month were add-
ed to the calendar — maybe
we could start it with Grey
Cup Day — people like me
wouldn't go on thinking that
Christmas is weeks away.
Instead, on the last day of
Lastember, with all their
winter chores in hand, they'd
know that Christmas was
practically on top of them,
like a big, old horse blanket,
and they'd leap into the
proper spirit, lining up a
Christmas tree, laying in
their booze, tuning up their
pipes for the carols.
Asit is now, we know that
Christmas is like a mirage.
It's way off their some-
where, and no need to panic.
Then, with that startling
Suddenness, it's December
22nd, all the Christmas trees
have been bought, the only
remaining turkeys look like
vultures, and the liquor store
is bedlam. Who's for a Las-
tember?
Try microwaving
holiday turkey
Haveiyour guests "talking
turkey" sooner by micro -
waving your 7. bird this
Christmas.
First, check the manufac-
turer's manual to determine
the size of turkey that can be
cooked in your microwave
oven. •
Generally a turkey of six
kilograms (about 14 pounds)
or less is best, says Foods
and Nutrition Specialist
Monica Beaumont of the
Ontario Ministry of Agricul-
ture and Food's rural organ-
izations and services branch.
Leave at least eight. cen-
timetres (about three in-
ches) of space between the
sides of the oven and the
bird.
For even cooking cover the
,turkey with a plastic lid or
plastic wrap or place the
bird in a cooking bag..
Cook the turkey at half
power,. turning .the fird fre-
quently.
Halfway through the cook-
ing time, invert the bird.
• Allow four to six minutes
per kilogram (or 11 to 15
minutes per pdund.
Test for doneness with a
meat thermometer; the
turkey is done when the
internal temperature in both
thighs reaches 80 degrees
Celsius (185 degrees
Fahrenheit) or the stuffing
reaches 70 degrees Celsius
(165 degrees Fahrenheit).
After cooking, tightly
cover the turkey with foil
and allow to stand about. 20
minutes before serving.
WORK IS DONATED
An engraved silver box by
Haida artist Rill Reid was
donated to the National
,Museum, of Man by George
Rosengarten. James
Graham of Vancouver lent
Mr. Reid's original 18 -foot
plaster cast of a killer whale
to the museum. The bronie
cast ofthe whale is installed
at the new Vancouver aquar-
ium.
GREAT MYSTERIES OF
THE ICE AND SNOW. By
Edward F. Dolan, Jr. Il-
lustrated with Photographs
and Maps. Dodd, Mead and
Company (Canada) Ltd., To-
ronto. 120 pp.
Reviewed by.
PERCY MADDUX
Here is an exciting easy -to -
read book about mysteries in
polar and other snowy
places. "Great Mysteries of
the Ice and Snow" by Ed-
ward F. Dolan, Jr., is not
only fascinating reading but
very informative) giving
names and dates. And once
you have read it, you will
want to keep it for reference.
It starts off with the ques-
tion of the existence of a
huge human -like creature
variously called Yeti,
Abclminable Snowman,
Alma, Bigfoot and Sas-
quatch. Other mysteries in-
volve the search for the
North Pole and for the
Northwest Passage. And
then there is a mysterious
disappearing island.
This is certainly a delight-
ful volume.
TREE TRIM
Instea# of 'decorating the
Christmas tree with
Christmas balls, use strings
of popcorn and cranberries,
says Foods and Nutrition
Specialist Monica Beaumont
of the Ontario Ministry of
Agriculture and Food's rural
organizations and services
branch.
String the popcorn and
cranberries on a heavy
thread and then crisscross
the strings on the tree.
Use a straight pin to secure
a popcorn or cranberry to the
tip of each branch.
COVER UP
Branches from your old
Christmas tree can be used
to protect tender plants :rom
desiccation from dry winter
winds and to shade the
plants from direct sunlight,
says Horticulturist Ruth
Friendship of the Ontario
Ministry of Agriculture and
Food's rural organizations
and services branch.
Spread branches over such
tender broad -leafed ever-
greens asy Rhododendron and
Mahonia Which may require
some protection through the
winter if they do not receive
good snow cover.
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MAX. TERM 48 MONTHS. EXPIRES DEC. 31/85
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