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Home My WebLink AboutThe Wingham Advance-Times, 1984-07-18, Page 29Page 16—Crossroads—July 16, 1989 Shirley Whittington (It wasj a , , Tt�r of time) Is that you The graveyard of the fu- ture may be a lively place in- deed with pre-recorded voices making grave an- nouncements about the de- ceased. Tombstones are now capable of speaking in what one supposes would be sepul- chral tones. "Rest in peace" as an incantation for the dead is in danger of serious violation. I read about this in the newspaper. "A U.S. monu- ment manufacturer", re- ports the Star, "has adver- tised a heat -sensitive gadget that activates a voice -re- cording when a warm body walks past a tombstone. The voice introduces the deceas- ed, gives the birth and death dates, adding (perhaps wist- fully) 'Have a good day'. The • cost is $30,000. I was pretty surprised the first time I walked through a cemetery and was confront- ed with color photographs of deceased persons, smiling in at me in the manner of a high school year book or a com- pany newsletter. Still, if we can have pic- tures, why not Sound? This suggests that the Grim Reaper now has a couple of d ki ks the woofer and the sr e c , tweeter. Butaes will surely oc- cure` I have a friend whose house is wired against bur- glary. The alarm sounds on a big bell that is mounted on an outside wall of her house, like a goitre. The alarm used to go off frequently, sending pyjama -clad neighbors into the street armed with walk- ing sticks and rolling pins, looking for the thieves. They were all false alarms. The continuing eruptions were caused by her cat whose lithe little body. kept intercepting the photo -electric cell, thus acti- vating the big bell. Given the number of nocturnal rumin- ants that cruise the average graveyard — dogs, racoons and s� forth — the risk of sudden bursts of posthumus .conversation seems high. You wouldn't catch me near one of those wired -up grave- yards after dark. Too spooky. There are advantages to the invasion of the Sony Backyard Gardener A lean, mean laws holds up to traffic Many of us have been con- ditioned from childhood to cherish the look and feel of a --'thick, soft, rich green lawn in Our home landscape. Count- less' youngsters have spent summertime hours rolling down the. • comfortable cushioned slope of their front lawns. However, in our strong de- sire to alter and subdue na- ture by growing grass, plants into a thick, solid carpet, it's easy to overdo it. A lawn that is a little on the lean and mean side is actually health- ier,'more resistant to disease and resilient in the face of ' heavy. traffic: By this I don't mean to put away the lawn mower for the season, or to forget about Watering and fertilizing alto- gether. However, ' a little planning in all three of these lawn care procedures can esult in an attractive lawn without expending long hours of valuable leisure time each week. Food and moisture are. the key ingredients that go into a nice summer lawn. But, how much? How often? and make the lawn look di- Where most of us go wrong ' seased. And try to • alter the is in the watering. Most direction of your •mowing home gardeners water too from time to time. Mowing frequently, and too lightly. always in the same direction fief daily squirts of water can produce a lean in the produce a weak lawn with a lawn. root system that has to• stay Use lawn clippings on your close to the soil surface to compost' pile or in garden catch those miserly doses of pathways, but scatter them moisture. • thinly, no more than an inch It's far better to water in- deep at a time. Piled up, they frequently and to give the gum' together into an evil - grass a good, loth drink each smelling, slimy, fly -infested time. Under most conditions mess. And don't use in the this means leaving the compost or garden any .clip - sprinkler on for an hour or pings from a lawn that has ' more, till the water has been treated with a herbi- penetrated to a depth of at cide. After any herbicide ap- plication, wait for at' least three mowings before using the clippings. Most of us fertilize .oar (awns in the spring. 13y this time, another light feeding should be given. Choose a fertilizer with several sources of nitrogen, some of them slow-release types for a long-lasting effect. Avoid the often cheaper kinds that give a quick greening then piffle out just as quickly. That's lawn junk food. A lawn• fertilizer should also have some phosphorus and potash (the second and third numbers on the label) as well as the nitrogen (the first number) to keep all levels up. The next fertilizing you should give your lawn will be a Winterizing one, in people Such spontaneous up there with a visit to Yuk speeches would certainly de- Yuk's Comedy Cafe. ter graveyard•vandals. If done retroactively, hid- den taped announcements would prevent backache. Like most of you, I've spent a lot of time leaning over, try- ing to decipher the engrav- ing on ancestral tombstones. Was Aunt Tillie born in Ire- land or Iceland? A taped an- nouncement, issuing firmly from behind the boxwood bushes would make geneao- logical research easier. - And certainly there is no more fitting place for that worn, silly, useless clatter of a phrase, "Have a nice day" than in the graveyard, so that's another advantage. Already some graveyards are filled with entertaining printed messages like: "Poor Martha Snell, she's gone away. She would if she could, but she couldn't stay. She'd two bad legs and a baddish cough But it was her legs that carried her off." least 6 inches. This can be checked by • slicing into a piece of turf With a shovel or trowel. You'd only need to do this a couple of times to know how long, youneed to water. The best time for watering is early in the morning: This timing gives the lawn its best chance for heading into nighttime in a fairly dry con- ' dition, which helps to avoid lawn diseases. Mowing fairly high also. helps toproduce a deep, vigorous root system .in a lawn. A lawn does not need to be short to look good. It's the uniform length that produces that . clean sweep of • rich green. Aim at mowing to a height of about 2 inches, and mow again when the.lawn reaches 3 inches. This avoids cutting of more than a third of the grass blade in any one mow- ing, and is easiest on the plants. You may find that about this time the mower blades may need resharpening, Dull mower blades can split leaf tips, which then turn brown Or. Anne Lowder They are deadlines, in the She burst while drinking a truest sense. Seidlitz powder. Here lies Shirl, a worn-out Called from this world to.her . croci , Buried `neath a writ - heavenly rest, er's block. She should have waited till it Her this dyithong breathht ert last e effrvesced." an original plot! - 11 such wit was transferred And if that's too, long, 'I'll to tape, it would put a walk settle for, "Here lies a writ - through the graveyard right er: they generally do." Dylan Thomas was a fam- ous poet and one would have expected his last words to have had a certain memor- able quality. They were, in fact: "I have had eighteen straight whiskies and I think this is a record." This is cer- tainly not the sort off thing one would wish to have bray- ing out from one's.tombstone every time an idle passer-by activated the mechanism. Art Roch has collected some last words which can be tailored to specific indivi- duals, and maybe you might want to make note of them in case this tape recording thing catches on. An atheist: "I was only kidding". A bridge player : "I pass". A gossip: ."I'm dying to tell somebody about this." A believer in reincarna- tion: ' "What? Intermission already?" A hypochondriac: "I told you I was sick". None of those quite works. for'.me. After considerable thought, I offer the following "Here lies the body of Mary for myself and other hacks. 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