HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Goderich Signal-Star, 1977-12-08, Page 46PAGE 22A --GODERICH SIGNAL -STAR, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1977
•
by George Onwuberc
Clinical Member
American Association of
Marriage & Family
Therapists
Marriage is a process in-
volving two complex and
ever-changing sets of
behaviour: therefore, con-
tinuous and perfect harmony' -
in marriage is impossible. It
is possible, however, to
achieve a useful, livable, and
workable relationship. Most
marriages are characterized
by discord; reversing the
trend toward destructiveness
and taking steps toward
learning to work as 0 team
requires patience and
courage Most of all, it
requires the desire to change.
No one simple method or
suggestion can answer the
questions required to right a
marriage. Individual couples,
situations and circumstances
are unique and different.
However, attempts could
be made to prevent constant
repetition of old, destructive
patterns: stop small
problems from becoming big
problems;. point toward
broad relationship goals.
Spouses or prospective
spouses should explore
certain areas which they
has e avoided or which social
customs have formerly
forbidden them tci explore,
Couples should recognize that
0 large number of so-called
experts are giving (and
charging for) tests and
counsel that are not effective;
and that the nature of much of
this counsel leads people into
easy - but spurious - con-
clusions which often are
destructive to the marriage
You may find that your
marriage is much better than
you think.
It was always helpful to
enter into the institution of
matrimony or marital
relationship with healthy
expectations, not too many
preconceived ideas, myths,
fears and fantasies. Most
marriages suffer from these
factors.
Individuals planning to
marry, since our society
which strongly sanctifies
marriage, but offers us very
little training, apprenticeship
and education in the subject,
should ask themselves series
of questions. Some of these
should include the following:
What do we know about each`
other's characteristics? With
the knowledge, if any, are we
able to accommodate and
modify?
What do we have in com-
mon
ommon ' and what are we
prepared to share? What are.
our investments into the
marriage? What is in it for
me? What can I give my
spouse and what do I feel my
spouse expects- from the
relationship, from me and
from us?
The expression. "love is not
enough`' should he borne in
mind at all times by those
about to he married and those
who are currently married'.
Individuals have their
peculiar and specific ideas as
to what love means to them.
When taken for granted, love
could he mistakenly in-
terpreted and expressed,
It is quite important that
sexuality in marriage should
he comfort:ihly handled by
recognizing individual needs,
abilities. preferences, ob-
jections, interest, and taboos.
When these are known, they
should he studied and
discussed by couples. In view
of the fact that this is usually
a very sensitive subject, but
nevertheless essential, it
should be carefully and
cautiously handled. If couples
are unable to resolve their
differences on the matter and
are unable to benefit from
other readily available
healthy sources, professional
or expert help could be
sought.
The decision regarding
timing, size and management
of family (when to start, how
many we can comfortably
handle, the way and manner
to approach the management
of family socialization
process).:
Financial issues and
management should also be a
prime factor which couples
need to discuss thoroughly,
establishing how best they
will handle same.
Trust and c'onfideace which
can only be established
through good communication
systems and understanding,
should constitute marital
code of contract.
Marriage, being a tran-
saction between two in-
dividuals should be a scjlidly
contractual relationship.
There should be individual
contracts, interactional
contracts and the constant
awareness of these contracts.
The contracts that con-
temporary couples formulate
and sign together usually
include prdvisfens: 1)
division of household labour;
2) use of living space; 3) each
partner's responsibility for
OPEN EVERY NIGHT TILL 9 P.M.
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f
so must ou
child roaring and
socialization; 4) property,
debts, living expenses; 5)
career commitment and legal
domicile; 6) rights of
inheritance; 7) use of sur-
names: 8) range of per-
missible relationships with
other"'
E
marital dyad in various life
sectors such as work, leisure,
community and social life;
1Q) grounds for splitting or
divorce; 11) initial and
subsequent contract periods
and negotiability; 12) sexual
fidelity -relationships beyond
..-,. ,... {.in Thoca nw•n
guidelines and ney
solute. Some rela
need such contraC
others don't, Contra*
,\
be written or
discussed but it 1S,''
advisable to have;
i.
contracts, at least,"
• n
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