HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Goderich Signal-Star, 1977-10-20, Page 22E1
PAGE 2A—GODERICH SIGNAL -STAR, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1977
Theiny thsur realities of ni arria,
BY GEORGEONWUBERE
Editor's note: Mr. Onwubere
is a member of the American
Association of Marriage and
Family Therapists.
As one young woman once
said, "marriage is like taking
a plane to Florida. for a
relaxing vacation in January,
andwhen you get off the
plane you find you are in the
Swiss Alps. There is cold and
snow instead of swimming
and sunshine. Well, after you
buy winter clothes and learn
to ski and learn how to talk a
new foreign language, I guess
you can have just as good a
vacation in the Swiss Alps as
you can in Florida."
A number of people tend to
have differing and perhaps
startling concepts about
marriage and the success,
satisfaction, stability or the
contrary of the relationship
will be largely based on these.
The first myth is the belief
that people get married
because they are "in love". It
is extremely difficult to
define love satisfactorily,
Dictionaries disagree,
psychiatrists and,.
psychologists who specialize
in marital problems usually
are unable to, or evade
defining love. Theologians
have their concepts of love.
The definition of perfect love
which is more cherished in
the western world is the one
given by St. Paul in the
thirteenth chapter of First
Corinthians. True, it is a
Christian definition, but it is
so universal that its almost
exact equivalent is used by
Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists
and Jews.
"Love suffereth long, and is
kind; love envieth not; love
vaunteth not itself, is not
puffed up, doth not behave
ifself--unseemly; seelmth• not~
her own; is not easily
provoked, thinketh no evil.
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but
rejoiceth in the truth. Beareth
all things, believeth all
things, hopeth all things,
endureth all things. Love
never faileth".
Of course no one has been
known to have maintained
consistency in loving ac-
cording to St. Paul's
definition unless he or she be
a saint. Nevertheless, the
factors are healthy guides.
A more practical definition
by a great American
psychiatrist, • Harry Stack
Sullivan, states that "when
the satisfaction or the
security of another person
becomes as significant to one
as is one's own satisfaction or
security, then a state of love
exists". Few people in
marriage are prepared for, or
capable of, experiencing
Sullivan's concept of love
right after the wedding.
It is a false assumption that
people marry for love. They
like to think of themselves as
being in love but by and large
the emotion they interpret as
love is in reality some other
emotion - often a strong sex
drive, fear, or a hunger for
approval.
If they are not in love, then
why are they impelled to
marry? There are several
reasons. -
During courtship, in-
dividuals lose most of their
judgment. People who
believe themselves to he in
love describe their emotion as
ecstacy. "Ecstacy" - from
the Greek ekstasis, which
means.„;'derange” - is defined
as the "state of being beside
oneself; state of being beyond
all reason and self-control".
When an emotional courtship
starts, the man and woman
appear to relinquish
whatever sense of balance
• and reality they ordinarily
possess.
Courtship - the time of
ecstatic paralysis - has been
cleverly designed by Nature
to lure members of the
species into reproducing
themselves. Courtship is a
powerful manifestation of
sexual excitement. It is a
well-defined ritual in Western
culture, the ultimate goal of
which is legal breeding.
Attitudes are gradually
changing in this sphere. The
man, the woman are in a'
trance. By the magic of
Nature they have become
wonderfully attractive to
each other. The ruthlessness
of Nature in perpetuating the
species makes it impossible
for the problems of marriage
11 to be noticed or considered.
The frightful divorce
statistics mean nothing; it
seems obvious that bad
marriages, like death, are for
others o
Frequeiy"the partners -to -
be know that they are
marrying the wrong persons,
but they are in such a passion
(some call it romance) and
are being driven so hard by
the applause of society, that
they cannot help themselves
or be inclined to seek help.
The courting individuals are
obsessed by one desire only -
to mate. And society ordains
that a ceremony must san-
ctify the mating. Although in
a majority of marriages the
magic and marvelous at-
tractiveness of courtship
diminishes (and often
vanishes entirely) within a
brief time after the
honeymoon, it is obvious that
the instinct to reproduce - the
sex drive (which mistakenly
is called love) - lures a great
many individuals into
marriage.
People often marry
because society expects it of
them. In our society,
probably not so much so
nowadays with the advent of
"women's liberation
movement", a spinster is
frequently regarded as an
unattractive failure; and .a
middle-aged bachelor is
suspected of being a
homosexual, or of having a
mother complex. Society has
created marriage and en-
courages it in many ways and
for many reasons. For
example, marriage is, to put
it crudely - good for business.
It gives employment to
ministers, justices of the
peace, caterers, florists,
dressmakers, printers,
jewelers, furniture
manufacturers, architects,
landlords, obstetricians, and
so on almost endlessly.
Whenever there is a wedding,
a hundred cash registers
tinkle. Consequently,
members of the profit-
making multitude smile and
applaud, frequently in honest
approval. 'Phis approval adds
to the myth that the very act
of marriage is a good thing; it
brings prestige in society's
eyes to the.young.
In earlier days when
mortality rates were high, a
"big family" meant more
people in the community and
thus a greater chance for
survival; and marriage was
prerequisite for the existence
of a big family.
The pressures and
manoevering of parents often
push their children into
premature and careless
marriage. Parents often .feel
failure or disgrace if their
children aren't married at the
conventional age.
Romantic literature,
tradition and social hysteria
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have given marriage false
values which the excited
male and female often accept
as true.
Loneliness often drives
people into marriage. Many
individuals simply cannot
bear to be alone. They,get
bored and restless, and they
think that having somebody
of the ypposite sex in the
house will stop there from
being miserable. Thus they
marry because - of
desperation, not love.
•Many people are fearful
concerning their economic
future.
Some individuals marry
because of an unconscious
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