The Goderich Signal-Star, 1987-09-09, Page 21*Entertainment *Feature,
*Religion *Family *More
GODERICH SIGNAL -STAR, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1987
SECTION
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114
Fastball t urney excitin
WILLIAM
THOMAS
Doing the
Ottawa shuffle
Another month passes and yet another
nationally elected representative gets the
words "bribery" and "fraud" tagged on
behind his title of Honorable Member.
The joke about our Prime Minister put-
ting that prison in his home riding of Baie
Comeau so he could be close to his cabinet
is gleaning less and less laughter with each
subsequent scandal.
It used to be a politician's integrity was
equated to that of a shady used car
salesman. Now I understand shady used
car salesmen have hired a lobby group in
Ottawa to fight this unfair disparaging of
their image.
• Wisened politicians used to gage the
political winds by, as they said "keeping
their ears to the ground." Now the new
breed have maintained this tradition
because it affords them a better view of
the cash that's passing under the table.
And of course it's not just the P.C.'s, the
Liberals before them were almost as bad.
The Liberals grabbed their share of graft
and patronage, but they were stingy. They
limited the hand outs and sweetheart deals
to best friends and brothers-in-law. The
P.C.'s seem to enjoy distributing the
payola from the back of a manure
spreader.
I think, as the people of Canada, we can
make some fundamental changes in
government starting with selection of
candidates.
"All those who want to hold national
political office raise your right hand and
repeat after me ... I solemnly swear."
"I solemnly swear ..."
"To go directly to Cabo Delgado, Africa
"To go directly to Cabo Delgado, Africa
"And never again to step foot on Cana-
dian soil ..."
That's the ticket. As soon as you get a
guy who wants to run for office, run him
the hell out of here. Anybody who wants
the job is a crook or has a burning desire
to become one.
Then you go to Staynor, Saskatchewan
and ybu find a pig farmer who talks with
a stem of wheat between his teeth, •fools
around with the wife on Saturday nights
and thinks Ottawa is a river. You make
him Prime Minister. If he objects strong-
ly you make him Prime Minister for life.
Then you take Mulroney's one good idea
since he graduated from grade school and
you abolish the Senate. Just before doing
so however, you enact a new law giving the
Senate the power to abolish the House of
Commons. In one swift kick for democracy
you have gotten rid of an institution that
never works and another that's un-
workable.
Now, instead of making yourself crazy
with landscams, tainted tuna, dropped Top
Secret dociers, mysterious million dollar
loans to spouses, limousine langesse,
brothel diplomacy, entourage ex-
travagance, misted campaign funds,
cronyism (can I get you a Senate seat with
that coffee?) and nepotism (I just forget,
do you take one lump or a foreign embassy
posting?) - all you have to do is keep your
eyes on the pig farmer from Staynor. How
much barnyard sleuece can he get us in-
to? The first time you catch him talking
to a lawyer, a real estate developer or a
known Montreal mobster - you ship him
back home in a boxcar. Then you find a
guy who guts mackerel in Come By
Chance, Newfoundland and you start all
over again.
All the crucial issues facing Canada to-
day are easily solved if we just use com-
Won sence. For example, we're notgoing
to get rid of acid rain with a joint commis-
sions or limited emissions or door-to-door
petitions. What you do is you start a
rumour and the rumour finds its way to
Mila andMila phones Nancy and says:
"Acid ram? Like it makes your hair like
totally unmanageable? And ..." And Nan-
cy sends Ronnie down to his cabinet
meeting with a note pinned to his sleeve
and he insists that they divert the arms
profits they were going to use to blow
Nicaragua six degrees south of Costa Rica
to rid the world of acid rain but Caspar
gets things backwards and that afternoon
the U.S. military nukes every coal -burning
industry in the Northeastern United States
and presto - no more acid rain.
(Americans will be furious until they learn
that the Indians were playing at home
when Cleveland took a direct hit).
Free trade? Easy. Insist the first thing
we trade are football leagues. Presto - free
trade - deader than a boa down a Hamilton
drain pipe.
The Meech Lake Accord. Terrific. But
limit its application to Meech Lake - that
one square mile area which is bound by a
beach, two side roads and Brian's im-
agination. Let the rest of Canada operate
as one nation.
Do the P.C.'s really have a chance to be
re-elected? But of course they do. They
just have to he more direct and up front
with the Canadian people and change the
name of the party to "Crooks 'R Us".
Don't apologize for all the sloth and scan-
dal, it's too late, just get better at it. Bring
in Richard Nixon as the new Secretary of
Scandal, adapt the words of "Amazing
Disgrace" to your theme song and stand
tall on the record of the first term in of-
fice. We can take it. We're Canadians. We
Turn to page 2
45.5X.44.,W.V4C4%
•
The Goderich Labour Day Fastball Tour-
nament was held over the weekend with
a number of teams participating. In the
top picture, a Hayter catcher reaches for
the ball while a Wilkesport batter swings.
The Hayters won the Saturday game.
Above, clockwise from left, Hayters
member Andy Moore home plate; Steve
Arbour, of the Goderich Orioles, at bat;
two umpires just standing around in bet-
ween innings; Brian Rumig, of the
Goderich Orioles, waits for the thrown to
first base but the Puslinch runner
crosses the bag first; Dave Gallow, of
Goderich Tire, watches as team-mate
Dan Bogie slides into home plate and the
Oxford A's catcher; and, in the centre,
Glen Falkiner, of Goderich Tire, slides
into third base 'and the ball. For story,
see the Sports section. (photos by Lou -
Ann DeBruyn )
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