The Goderich Signal-Star, 1986-03-26, Page 10PAGE 19,-- GODERICH SIGNAI,-STAR, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26, 1986
tmatillIews
14-loster parents can help children cope
BY SUSAN HUNLERTMARK
Children placed in the care of Family
and Children's Services and m fustei
homes feel the pain of separation frons
their natural parents and must be helped
by adults through the accompanying
mourning process.
David link, a psychologist from Toros
to, told Huron County foster parents and
social workers that children separated
from their parents experience the same
feelings they would after a death. And, the
children roust work through the mourning
process if they are to ever become emo-
tionally attached to another adult.
"They really need help from adults
because if the mourning process is nut
completed successfully, children becalm
emotionally detached and there could be
serious long term effects," he says.' .
Each month', ,Family and Children's Ser -
Vices average 62 children in care. 75 per
cent of them adolescent. In Huron, there •
are 55 foster hprnes.
The mourning process involves protest
or denial that ;the child is separaed Crum
his parents and then despair, or sadness
that the parerl'ts will not be returned.
Though .death is tragic, it's, clear and
pertnanent and therefore easier to deal
with than many of the ambiguous situa-
tions children in foster care deal with..
".4it Family and Children's Services,
children often come into care temporarily
and„sometinies permanently bort it's not
always known if it's temporary since it
depends on the outcome of family
counselling. That uncertainty is difficult
on the child," he says.
But, no matter what the. /iutcoure, it's parents can use that information three or
crucial for the child to marital]) contact four days later and talk about it. Or they
with his parents during t ire separation could ask foster /children how other
through visits especially if /he's eventually children they know, are coping with their
to be returned home. parents' divorce, he suggests.
If a long term separation results, it's sur- Faster' children Who are involved iu
pintail'. to find a parent substitute as soon extra -curricular activities such as sports
as possible, says II k. ; or art or music classes have a better
If' too many se aroons occur with a chance at coping with changes in their
child in and out o hi ( home and various,, 4ives since their self-esteem comes from
different foster tomes, he might stopmore sources than theirfamily or school.
becoming eino o ally attached to people 0'' "The work of dealing with separation is
and turn his fe i gs inward, easier if you've got these other things go-
' one cos , boy had Inoved between ing for you," he says..
his mother, f pr and grartdr'^'euts so If children don't work{ ;through their
much that by 12, he'd been to i4 or 15 mourning process, one of six behaviors
schools. By t time, l saw him, h.elhad the may re$ult. They may become personally
reputation o eing a teal fighter at school detached and be unable to deal with people
and he didn t o very well at school even in any ..depth. They may„become per -
though he w very bright„” .says link. •sistently angry and react explosively to
'The fir t time he mowed, he buckled minor incidents or they uray be chronical -
down at school. Thr e•weeks later when he ly. depressed and eventually become self-
inoved, agailp; he tried again butt when he ' destructive.
moved�again two Months later'. �he stopped Anti -social behavior with no guilt or em
trying:" pathy for others could result. Or a low self -
Foster parents jean help these children image or chronic dependency with a
through the mourning processby helping , refusal to work at satisfying their needs
them look at the reality of the $ituation.•cbold also result.
"It's important to confrontthe child or "Children can sometimes mourn without
it's a bit like sweeping .dirtunder a rug. support but if they're unable to do this and
Things are okay now but eventually they'll become adults with these kinds of pro -
cause problems. And, it's easy for caring blems, they can be helped if they recognize
peoplenot to push when a child is unhappy. their problems and:are motivated to work
• Foster parents have to talk to a child about at changing them."
•
what's bothering hun but they shouldn't "But, it's much easier to help a seven or
push too hard, he says. • • eight year old child through mourning
"It's very tricky. There are no simple because adults control so much of his en -
solutions or sets of rules." vironnient, he says.
If foster children are upset' before or "Fortunately, children are very resilient
,after a visit from tlieir parents. foster and able to corse to terms with reality."
Local people gathered on the weekend to watch the dredging continue at the
harbor.
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