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Home My WebLink AboutThe Goderich Signal-Star, 1984-10-03, Page 3FEATuRE Singles Encounter group provides network for parents and their children 'Editor's note - Names have been changed :0 protect the privacy of the°single parents interviewed) After her marriage broke up, Karen fell apart. She withdrew into her house, over- whelmed by feelings of grief and loss: She cried constantly and worried how her grief would affect her children. Her house was a mess., She had no energy left to accomplish the most basic task. Most of all, she felt the weight of bearing her troubles alone. "You •have no one to share it with. There are so many humps you can't get over by yourself," she says. "While neighbors just come swarming when there's a death, that doesn't happen for a separation. My best friend didn't call me until eight months later." Karen found the support she needed at a self-help group which meets in Seaforth at the Optimist Hall twice a month. There she and,other single people who have lost a spouse through divorce or death share their stories and give each other encouragement. Singles Encounter began little over a year ago in the Clinton area. Meetings are now held every second Wednesday at the Seaforth Optimist Hall. The next meeting date is tonight (October 3), starting at 7 p.m. Meetings follow an open format and parents are welcome to attend at their own convenienc The aim of Singles Encounter is to provide a countywide self-supporting network for parents and their children. "It's a place for. people to come and vent their feelings instead of sitting alone every night and thinking until they go crazy," says Jane, another participant. "People get sup- port just being there and knowing other peo- ple are in the same situation." With 40 per cent of all marriages in Canada ending in divorce, there are a lot of people who need support, says Nancy McLeod, a counsellor at the Huron Centre for Children and Youth in Clinton. Though she's not involved with the self-help group in Seaforth, Ms. LcLeod says the group is something to be excited about. "Divorce happens to the nicest people an& it helps everyone to see that they're not alone. Adults often feel like failures after a break-up and doubt that their capacity to be loved and loving. One of the best ways to feel good about oneself is to talk to other people who are in similar situations," she says. During the group meetings, some par- ticipants talk about what is bothering them while others just sit back and listen. "Sometimes you hear yourself talking and you answer your own questions," says Jane. Concern for Children Though participants talk about their feel- ' ings about their separation, legal business or •their difficulties getting used to dating again, their main concern is usually their children and how they are coping with separation and divorce. • "The main aim of the group is to straighten the parents out so they can go back and show a positive side to the group," says Bob, a single parent. Once children discover their parents' marriage is breaking up, many go to school and identify with others in the same situa- tion. "My son started picking out the separated kids in school because he needed to identify with someone desperately. He didn't want to think he came from a wierd family," says Bob. Often, the children feel just as hurt, an- gry, guilty and rejected as their parents. Parents can lessen the hurt somewhat if they tell their children they're not to blame and allow them to see and love both parents, says Ms. McLeod. Kids need love I'm an advocate of the kids and kids need as many people as they can have in their lives who are willing and able to love them. It's horrible for kids to lose a parent; it's devastating," she says. Typical reactions from children after a divorce include fearing rejection from both parents, assuming responsibility for the needs of their parents, playing their parents off each other, withdrawing or feeling trap- CALVINETTE ■ III IF GODERICH CALVINETTE CLUB CAR WASH est the Ultram®r Gas Bar 263 Huron Rd., Goderich SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6 9:OOa.m.to 3:OOp.m. $ZOO WASH $2vP so 0OFor WASH & VACUUM GODERICH SIGNAL, -STAR, Wf+a.1MJ SPAYr,OcTOBER 3,1989 --PAGE 3 11► uiuiffilgg4/11: r4' ECONOMY PLUS GARBAGE BAGS ,0'S U N ICU RE SHAMPOO or CONDITIONER • 500 mi. GORD & MARY "THE GREATEST PARENTS IN THE WORLD" Your loving family: Gordis, Sandra, Jayme Verity, Peter, Jan, Peter Jr., Connie, Barry, Linda, Cathy, Tom, Bryan, Lisa (Rob) & Caroline HAPPY THANKSGIVING arid Keep Warm ped in the middle. "The best chance to have children accept the separation is to have children not lose anything. I think the bestsituation is joint *custody where they spend a lot of time with bothparents," she says. Although it's fine for parents to show their emotions. in front of their children, Ms. McLeod says it's best to talk about feelings of anger and hurt to other adults at the self- help group. Showing too much emotion to her children was a particular concern of Karen. "I had a hard time hiding pain from my kids. One time I was sitting at the kitchen table with dinner and I simply started to cry and I couldn't stop. Professionals have told me it's okay, but I think they've seen enough pain," she says. ' Dating new people can also cause pro- blems for children. "My son would get more attached to my date than I would," says Bob. "I think he was looking for another mother but I'don't like him to do that because he could get hurt again. I don't like to let him meet anybody I go out with unless I think she's going to be around for awhile." Adjusting to the children of their parents' new girlfriend or boyfriend can be tough on kids too. When they used to go tobogganing or to the movies with their father, Karen's children watched their father take his girlfriend's kids out to the same activities. "My daughter would sometimes come home from visiting her father feeling re- jected, especially when he was building a doll house for his girlfriend's daughter," says Karen. "I don't let my kids meet her ( a girlfriend's) kids anymore. My kids said e'erything was great but it wasn't. They felt like they had to please me and make everything good." says Bob. Parents should co-operate One of the worst things parents can do is make the children choose between them and take sides. Though they may find it difficult. parents should try to co-operate for the sake of the children. . "I don't care if two people break up but don't break up the kids. When children are involved, parents still have a bond between them and if they can't get along after the break-up, it's three times as hard on the kids, You should try to at least be on talking terms," says Bob.. Something not to do is to force a child to call a new step-parent Mom or. Dad. "No one can replace the real parents and most kids won't let that happen," says Ms. McLeod Out of the pain of a break-up, some parents and their children can see some good. Though he is probably growing up twice as fast, Bob says his son is becoming ir'tdpendent and is learning to cook and take care of -himself. Karen says her children have become more responsible. "The kids help out without being asked. I came home the other day and found they'd defrosted the freezer." With money a little scarcer, Karen's children have also found ways to earn or make what they want. "Before we used to get whatever we wanted, but now we have to earn it or make it ourselves. We -just made a water slide out of a piece of plastic instead of buying one that was already made," says her daughter. Need each other The break-up has also made both the parents and the children appreciate each other a little more. "I found out I need them as much as they need me," says Karen. With time and support, wounds begin to heal and separated families look toward their futures with some optimism. Karen's children say things are starting to get better again. Though they used to wish their parents could get back together again, they're glad their parents aren't fighting anymore. Both Karen's son and daughter agree on their advice to other kids whose parents break up. "Try and help your parents. And, it's all right. 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