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GODERICH SIGNAL STAR, WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3; 1987
1'A(;E lA
itnss
un for all
WILLIAM
THOMAS,
Keeping fit
with kites
karate and
calisthenics
Last week was fitness week in Goderich
and many events took place. Clockwise,
from top left, Nigel Steadman, from
Wallaceburg in the men's heavy weight
division, takes part in the weekend
Sailboard Regatta; GDCI held a MAGA
Madness day with human dominos as one
of the activities with the student body
and faculty participating; a Karate
demonstration took place at St. Mary's
School on the weekend and Jeff Jackson
from St. Mary's was one of the par-
ticipants; a family kite festival took
place at Point Farms Provincial Park.
Here, Sadie Hoy, left and Broke Hoy,
paint the tails of their kites; Aerobics
were taking place all last week in
Goderich and Lucette Breault and Ruth
Cunningham took part and Sid Lawson,.
secretary of the Goderich Horseshoe Pit-
ching
itching Club teaches grandson Derek how
to toss at Harbour Park.(photos by
Yvette Zandbergen)
Malcolm's mall
makes my life
mildly mixed-up
It happens every year at this time, the
yellow card comes in the mail addressed
to Malcolm Thomas. At first I think it's a
mistake but then I say to myself
"Canada Post? Make a mistake? ("mon. •
Do inen of the clothe lie, cheat, and covet
thy, secretaries?"
So I reread the card addressed to
Malcolm Thomas. I have a boyhood bud-
dy named Malcolm but his last name is
Hilton. As a matter of fact I named my
cat after -him ... that's it ... the notice was
addressed to my cat Malcolm Thomas.'
I'd love to know who started naming
animals in the first place. We take it for
granted that pets need names. They don't
of course..I mean they don't use them to
address each other, do they?
When Shadow, the miniature German
Shepherd next door, meets Malcolm in"
the backyard she doesn't cock her head
and` say "Malcolm ... Malcolm ...that's'
Scottish isn't it?" No, what. Shadow does
is send Malcolm screaming so far up the
big maple tree it takes. myself and a
volunteer fireman to bring him back to
earth.
Dogs don'tuse salutations with other
dogs: They sniff each other, publicly. •
Depending on what follows the sniffing.
can be either foreplay or weigh-in for a
10 -round title,fight.
Not all of us are sufficientlysilly as to
tag their pets with names. Semi -
prominent Welland lawyer . Paul Taylor
just .moved into a farm up on Miller
Road. Semi -polite and.not altogether un -
neighborly 'he ventured down to the next
farmhouse whereupon being surrounded
by two Doberman's he asked the farmer
in a voice pitched with fear:
"So' what's the names of your dogs?
The farmer looked at him like Paul had
moved to the area from the planet Pluto.
"Names?!" the farmer yelled in -a
. gruff, incredulous tone, "They're dogs
for chrissake!" • •
With two fully grown Dobermans nipp-
ing .at your heels, you sort of wish they
had a couple. of handles like "Queenie"
and "King" to set them at ease. But then
again being a lawyer where are you .go-
ing to find sympathy in this or any other
world?. '
The yellow card came from Dr: David
Thorne's veterinary clinic in Port Col-
borne. Dr. Thorne ,is a wonderful vet.
During the recent, doctor's strike Dr.'
• Thorne .performed a flawless appendec-
tomy •on me. I mean you have to really
look hard to see the scar. The operation
was a snap; it was the 48-hour recovery I
spent in a cage between a yapping
Schnauser and a hissing; cross-eyed
.Siamese that damn near did me in:
"Malcolm Thomas needs a booster for
rabies" read the card. He also needs a
good 'Slap on the rear end for dragging
chicken bones out of the garbage but I
don't send him a notice in the mail. to let
him know it's coming.
When I see the name "Malcolm
Thomas" in print itsaddens ine. I think
about life and roads not taken; I think
about progeny and how I have none; I
wonder who's going to wear my ball
glove after I've been given permanent :
assignment to the minors, forever to play
for Satan's Red Devils (Whaddyamean
there's no water bottles in Hell? )
The bottom line' of my life is that this
buck -toothed little fur ball who snuffs out
the lives of small rodents for recreation
purposes is the closest thing I'm ever go-
ing
to have to a son. And you think dying
{ in a plane crash is a scary thougt.
But there are worse things in life I sup-
pose. So I'll plod along in this
father/feline version of "Tough Love". I
bundle the little beggar up in his wicker
travelling case, the one he mistakes for a
car commode. I'll point'out the Sand Hill,
the Lighthouse and other points of in-
terest along the way on his annual trip to
town..I'lI sit in the waiting room of the
Clarence Street Veterinary Clinic while
• an overweight bassett hound will make
threatening noises like he wants to have
Malcolm Thomas for lunch. And though
the thought appeals to me, I'll protect
' him.
And then the receptionist will call for
"Malcolm Thomas" and embarrassed,
like a father, whose kid has just mooned
the audience during a school play, I'll
carry him off to another room where he'll
take a swipe at Dr. Thorne when he sees
the thermometer coming. And he'll
scream bloody murder when the booster
needle goes in and he'll make a mess on
the examination table.
Embarrassed again, I'll offer to clean
it up and kind Dr. Thorne will say: "No,
that's my job" and I'll think yes, there
are worse things in life, I suppose, than
having a cat for a kid.
I could have been a vet with real kids to
go home to at the end of the day.
Inside:
School News _s 3A.
Sports - 7A to 9A
Kid's Corner -- 12.I