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Clinton News-Record, 1985-11-27, Page 48, Page 2' Regional Value Spotter, November 27, 1905 • It Could By Kay Marie Porterfield usan Abelson (not her real name) was overjoyed when her introverted, 16 -year-old daughter was asked out by a clean-cut, honor -roll student, Mother and daughter shopped together for this important first date, buying a brilliant pink sweatshirt with tears on the sleeves, the kind of outfit high-school girls are wearing this year. Who could have guessed that the waif -like sophomore would come home with more tears in her clothing than when she'd departed or that she'd be sobbing inconsolably? Who would have thought she'd been brutally attacked. by her classmate? Nobody. But it happened just the same. "It," the unspeakable, is called date rape or acquaintance rape — sexual assault by a social companion. Such attacks occur with shocking regularity. The 20 to 40 thousand women raped by male friends and acquaintances each year represent only the tip of the iceberg. Many more date rapes occur, but they go unreported out of fear or shame. Sexual attack by a boyfriend doesn't just happen to other peoples' daughters; it could happen to yours. Susan was fortunate. Her daughter told her about the assault so they were able to seek therapy to help Item work through the emotional trauma. My friend's daughter was fortunate, too. Her mother listened, believes: and didn't blame her for provoking the attack. Not all victims ur families are so level -h, sued. .,Many teen-age girls aren't aware that forcible intercourse with a boy they know and trust is rape and is terribly wrong. When the good-looking guy who sits next to a girl in history class asks her to his parents' house to do homework and then assaults her, a girl usually blames herself for the attack. She concludes it was all her fault — she was asking for it. In several states, the law agrees that to go out on a date is to consent to sex. Victims have no legal recourse. Legally, in these states, to go to a movie with a boy is "asking for it." According to the Federal Commission on Crimes of Violence, only 4 percent of all rapes are even remotely provoked by the victim. Unfortunately, there's no way to determine ahead of time if a .daughter's date will rape her. Both the therapists who treat rapists and rape victims use the words "Jekyll and Hyde" to describe these males. They are polite, friendly -and charming until they're alone with a.girl who tells them "no." Why does that "no" trigger violence among a small but• dangerous minority of males? "They aren't able to handle life's daily stresses," says Dr. A. Nicholas Groth, director. of the sex offender program at the Connecticut Correctional Institution. • "Behind the macho mask lies an angry, insecure little boy. Many take a date's refusal to have sex to mean she's rejecting him. Rape is the ultimate degradation, a way to get • back." • Fearful parents may be tempted to ban dating entirely, but that isn't the answer. Gids need to be made aware of date rape before it happens to them, stress rape crisis counselors. The National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse suggests teaching kids of both• sexes these tips to prevent sexual abuse: 1. •Your body belongs to you, and you have a right to decide• how and when anyone touches you. 2. If somebody tries to touch Ec�I't eY you in way that don't feel good or seem right, say "no" and tell somebody. 3. If the first person you tell doesn't believe you, keep trying until you find someone who does. 4. Remember, it's not your fault. If the unspeakable does happen, how a parent responds is crucial. Date -rape victims are sensitive to the reactions of parents and they look to us for cues about how to cope. Raging, blaming or falling apart makes a bad situation worse. "Parents don't blame their daughters for being raped because they're mean people," says Anne Byrne, executive director of the Rape Assistance and Awareness Program in Denver. "They're trying to come up with some sort of explanation for the unexplainable. • "It's important to remember that the parents have been indirectly victimized. If they don't get help for themselves, they tend to want emotional support from the rape victim herself. She's not in a position to give explanations or answers." Blaming, no matter how subtle, can crush a date -rape victim. Acquaintance assault is often far more devastating to girls than rat)Idon stranger rape, leaving a heavier burden of shame and guilt, according to a study of 600 rape victims conducted by the Rape Treatment Center at Santa Monica Hospital. On top of the usual physical and emotional symptoms of stress which all sexual assault victims suffer. girls who have been raped by a social escort find it very difficult to trust men or to trust their awn judgment about men. Worst of all, a date -rape victim may come into contact with'her attacker daily at school • ur Daughter and live in terror of being assaulted' by him again. Parents usually aren't skilled orobjective enough to handle the situation without seeking professional help for their daughters and for themselves. "Most people aren't used to the level of trauma that comes with rape," says Byrne. "If a daughter is cool and calm afterward, they are relieved because they want life to go back to normal. Often the qig qti victims who seem unaffected are suffering the most. Families require help in order to handle rape without letting it tear them to shreds." Most cities have some form of - rape counseling available to rape victims and their families, but because many of these services are small volunteer organizations, there is no national referral hotline. Rape crisis center staffers suggest calling directory MARY SKIDMORE assistance and asking for the listings under "Rape" or to call county mental-health services, hospitals or law enforcement offices to find out what help is available locally. Date rape isn't nice to contemplate or to talk about, especially with a teen-age daughter. But date rape happens to the nicest of girls. The more aware of it parents and their daughters become, the less it will happen in the future. Sportswear, Lingerie Beautiful gifts for beautiful people - beautifully wrapped! CITY CENTRE tiyKOa/tCsCitfy7r,0 sZOUK/CCyt,' Cyy ri qiEs cpri qtri 380 WELLINGTON - LONDON, ONT, 439-7531 Si • • and Hotel Open 7 days a week. 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