Clinton News-Record, 1985-11-13, Page 39Prill C7
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the Second Time. Around
C!Qntinued from page 12 -
that you'll be carried over the
new threshold with your luggage
and all this emotional baggage,
here's what to do: According to
Dr. McKay, people prefer to
forget the painful parts of the
first relationship and hope that
switching partners will make the
issues disappear. Neither tactic
works.
Instead, she urges women to
use the alone -time after the
divorce (or your husband's
death) to grow in self-awareness.
Scrutinize your strengths and
weaknesses in your capacity to
1'a intimately with a man;
s the marital lessons you've
ed; understand who you are
now; work toward a sense of
wholeness as an individual; and
let yourself develop more skills.
Myth 5: Marriage is marriage.
The first and second ones
probably won't be much
different.
Actually, there are lots of
differences — and ways to cope.
"In a first marriage, the
spouse is — and should be —f
No.1. Children come second.
But in the next marriage, this
isn't so. The children's rights
and spouses' rights must be
balanced and respected from the
outset," notes Dr. Foley.
"Avoid problems by
discussing them before you
re -wed and by writing down
what each family member has
understood," he advises.
toticipate future decisions, too,
h as which children will go
to college, live home and so on.
Another difference is the ..fact
' that the second husband otten
has to share his money and his
time with two households:
"Accept that you are not his one
and only and that !you'll feel
resentful, angry .and jealous •
occasionally," advises
Freedman.
' She urges women to adjust
their perspective. For instance,
while your husband visits his
children, instead of sulking, turn
these hours into a creative
possibility.
Be aware that the second
marriage has built-in advantages:
"You're both probably more
experienced and realistic this
time," feels Dr: Dixon Murphy..
"If you've had counseling or if -
you nowunderstand how you
contributed to' the first split-up,
you'll be in a better positon to
contribute to the new
relationship." Many couples;
she feels, put more conscious
effort into making the second
marriage happier. . .
Here'' are some final myths
that must be banished.
According to Dr. Dixon
Murphy, these false notions
sabotage future success in love:
• The second relationship will
work out...miraculously.
• You shouldn't talk about
sex or money because it leads to.
arguments, not to resolutions.
• A good marriage depends
entirely on your partner and that
you don't have to be responsible
to your feeling and actions.
Instead off clinging to these
illusions, view your past
objectively. "Coming out of a
bad marriage, people feel that
they either made a bad choice or
that their spouse was the
problem.
But the reality is that nearly
everyone makes a fairly
adequate choice. You wouldn't
pick a partner who didn't meet
your needs in most ways,"
explains Dr. Foley. "The
problem isn't with the choice,
but with living out the choice."
He feels no woman should
remarry until she's examined her
contribution to the divorce.
Why? "Because you'll repeat
your mistakes unless you
analyze them. If you're not sure
what went wrong, get some
counseling."
Each therapist agrees that the
more you understand yourself
and the reasons your first
marriage ended, the greater your
chance of grabbing the bright
gold ring of happiness the
second time around.
INCREASE YOUR
COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Here are some useful tactics
from social worker Barbara
Freedman"and Doctors Dixon
Murphy, Foley and McKay.
• Remember that the goal of
good communication is twofold:
1) Tell the person how you feel
without blaming him, and 2) In
the light of this, ask him to do
something you wish.
• Use "1 statements": "I"
plus "a feeling verb. These give
your mate essential information
(so he doesn't have to guess)
and they give you the chance to
express yourself honestly and
directly — the first step to
getting what'you want.
• Avoid offensive "you
statements" and "why
questions."
• Don't attribute motivation to
people's behavior.
• Share what is happening
between you as a potent force in
developing intimacy. Instead of
feeling frustrated or
misunderstood, you can improve
a situation immediately.
• Articulate your limits.
When you're vague, you confuse
people.
• Give positive strokes,
especially for improved
behavior.
198S King Features Syndicate, Inc
Puzzle on Page 18
A fasten. Use your ears and
eyes to pick up verbal and
nonverbal messages. You'll
know you're not listening when
you get defensive about your
position or you're eager to jump
in and take over the
conversation. Instead of planning
a reply, limit your responses to
"I understand" or "I don't
understand" and focus on
hearing what is said. •
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