Clinton News-Record, 1985-11-13, Page 36@i
Glue SpOttor, No ember l.3r 1985
By LindaAnn l-os0iayo
hila, one out of every
threefirst marriages
ends in divorce, four
out of five people
who split up will
re -wed — most
within three years. Why the big
rush back to the altar?
"The high rate of remarriage
in America indicates that we still
believe in marriage in some
form," observes Leslie A.
Westoff in "The Second Time
Around: Remarriage in
America." She adds, "For an
ever-growing number of people,
remarriage will probably mean a
a second chance to find the good
life."
In her book, Westoff insists
that "more stable marriages
occur later," that "sex the
second time is better" and that
the overall quality of conjugal
bliss improves as well. Many
therapists agree that divorced
people often put more effort into
choosing a new mate and
working out problems.
The best way to begin,
resolvingthose problems, insist
t -he experts, is to dispel certain
myths before you re -wed.
Myth 1: Remarriage solves
problems: financial difficulties,
fears of rejection, loneliness,
shyness and so on.
"Marriage doe not exist to
solve problems. Rather it's an
extension of the self and a
broadening of horizons,"
explains Vincent D. Foley,
Ph:D., a New York psychologist
and family therapist. "A good
marriage (be it first or second) is
one in which a woman — who .
has high self-esteem and positive
feelings.about herself — wants
to share herself with a man to
make her life brighter and
happier.
"A bad marriage is one in
which a woman has low
self-esteem and hopes the
relationship will make her 'feel
good' about herself; such a
union is doomed." •
Here are some signals that.
may indicate you feel negatively
about yotrself. According to
Barbara C. Freedman,,a New
York social worker and director
of The Divorce and Remarriage
Counseling Center, "If you're
shy, can't assert yourself, •
experience frequent depression,
find socializing difficult and
have inappropriate angry
outbursts, you have a personal
problem."
She continues, "Getting
married may mask your troubles,
but not for long. A skillful
therapist can help you realize
that your relationships will work
better once you resolve your
problems instead of
over -burdening your partner with
them."
According to Bobbie McKay,
Ph.D., an Illinois psychologist
and United Church of Christ
Minister, "If you know
yourself, recognize your
personal boundaries, can
communicate feelings, have a
sense of competency, value a
sense of humor and possess
patience, you're all set to handle
the ready-rttade,problems .(such
as stepchildren) your new
husband may bring you."
Meanwhile, keep your level of
self-worth high, "Learn how to
make your career and
leisure -time fulfilling and to be
generally independent," advises
Thelma Dixon Myrphy; Ed.D.,
a therapist and chairperson of
the Marriage and Family
Therapy Training Program at the
Blanton Peale Graduate Institute.
Myth 2f There's no need to let
'go, emotionally, Of the'firsf
marriage. Your positive/negative
feelings about your former
spouse have nothing to do with
your new mate.
"It's crucial to let go of the
first marriage. You'll never be
able to 'close' that relationship if
you keep it alive by either
idealizing your ex or continuing
old fights," insists Freedman.
Achieve this "closure" by
performing an autopsy on your
first marriage. Here's how:
"Understand what really went
wrong," advises Freedman.
Don't just blame him. Ask
yourself, "How did 1 contribute
to the break-up? in what ways
did my needs fit (and not fit)
with my ex? Why couldn't 1,
continue to be loving?" Unless
you analyze both your
behaviors: you risk perpetuating
them..
.After this evaluation, "Stop
blaming him or yourself for
failing. ;Acknowledge that you
didn't make an ideal choice in
choosing .a husband or that the
marriage demanded skills you
didn't'possess," explains Dr.
Foley. Your examination will
hel �settle old old
gri ances and lead .you to. more •
rea 'stic future marital
expectations.
•
•
•
if yov haye'e1 ren, "accept
that they"1T retiaipdyou of their
father. Sdparate your emotions
so that your children won't
receive the negative feelings that
really belong to your ex. And
try to settle the financial and
custodial issues workably."
cautions Dr. Dixon Murphy.
Last, tie up loose ends.
Mourn the loss of the marriage.
Decide how to handle
relationships with former
relatives and friends. And
evaluate memory -laden objects,
determining if you should keep
them and. how they'll affect you
and your new husband. •
Myth 3: The blended family
(you, your kids, him, his kids) is
the same as the traditional
nuclear family. You'll
automatically love your
stepchildren in time.
Two points are stressed by
several experts: First, biological
attachments are different than
•
step -relations where love is not
automatic' and may never come;
and second, when parents don't
feel affection, they feel guilty.
Here are'some solutions.
"The .goal in, the blended •
family is not for everybody to
love everyone else, but for
everyone to learn to get along,"
says Dr. Foley, adding, "In life
we have to put up with a lot of
people we don't like." He
advises regular family meetings
to air gripes and, if necessary;
professional help.
Accept that, if you don'tlove
your stepchildren, you're not a
monster or a failure.
"Acknowledge it's not easy to
take to a stranger, then see what
you can do with, the nest,"
counsels Freedman. `You can
still offer positive, enriching
things to your husband's
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