HomeMy WebLinkAboutClinton News-Record, 1985-10-23, Page 48.1I -Continued from page L6
the warty sit of my life when
things are going wrong because I
valuetheir advice or just to be
there when I need a sympathetic
ear-„
According to Dr. Baisden,
there -acre three levels in our
relationships. Which of our
friends falls into each level is
determined by what we choose
to share with them:
4 Your sensations; the things
you perceive (see, toucp, taste
or smell).
• What you think about,
believe in or have opinions
about.
• Your wants, intentions,
goals and desires.
® Your actions. The things
you did, are doing or are
thinking about doing. All of
these things can be
communicated verbally and
nonverbal ly .
When people are on an
acquaintance level (level three),
we emphasize heavily the things
we perceive, as well as action
statements. We don't share
feelings or desires on this level,
and we tend to share only the
positive side of each.
Friends on level two tend to
share awamess — not only
perceptions, sensations and
actions, but a lot about their
thoughts, including both positive
and negative feelings.
However, one of the things
you seldom hear in a social
situation, but you may reveal to
close friends (level one) is talk
about desires — what you want
in terms of the future, in any.
particular relationship. A lot of
trust must precede these
revelations.
One .woman of apparently
boundless energies and
enthusiasms lowered her voice
and confessed, "I have too
many friends. I overload, I can't
cope with them all on my busy
schedule. So I pull away for
little periods (go out of town or
get immersed in a project) to get
renewed."
Dr. Baisden says that, in
therapy, people like this usually
turn out to be socially alienated
and very much alone. "They're
_o i* t y, even hp
they►ay, deny it They%
struggle to keep alto? their .
relationships an what is truly a
superficial leye.L'a
friendship is a big
• responsibility that many don't
want, t4 occeptt It demands a lot
of time and flexibility . It'
strange fact that the closer we
are to people, the more we tend
to expect from them,
People are constantly
struggling to find the ideal
degree of independence for
themselves vs. a mutual
dependence, and this is where
things often begin to go wrong.
Your friend may want a more
complete sharing of all things,
the license to drop in any time
and a "what's mine is yours"
agreement. This may not be
your style at all.
Model -actress -mother Diane
McGowan has lent her best
clothes and shoes to overly
dependent friends, which she
now realizes will never be
returned. "I tend to be taken by
people," she says.
Jayne Hilde, partner with her
husband in a thriving business,
felt like a "black sheep,
isolated, uncomfortable" when
they changed religions because
the couple they were close with
couldn't accept the decision.
Several couple -to -couple
friendships reported suffering in
all four directions when one of
the foursome developed a
problem. Chemical dependency,
an extra -marital affair, jealousy
of one wife or husband toward
the other, or one member
beginning to feel stifled by the
closeness. At this point, a real
soap opera opens up, with each
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tell of not lust 900. but A
succession of theme;., As one said,
'Every time I try to help.
someone, I get kicked.'
What is it that draws these
people to repeat miserable
situations? Baisden believes it's
a $a a "uf tow ,self-esteem, a
feelin t .a th can't attract
decent eople 46 friends. This is
tete saline type u410 complains
that her friends smother her, but
continues to choose clinging,
depe;lxtlent friends.
Once you've •admitted'you've
made a mistake in your choice
of a friend or you see you've
grown apart, what is the best
way to unhook yourself? Most
people will try avoidance:
forgetting to contact the other,
not following up on an
appointment, being busy when
the other one calls.
Some people are
all -or -nothing -at -all friends.
They won't take subtle hints,
move in closer when you try
avoidance, and provoke a
friends -or -foes -forever
confrontation. Highly disciplined
people generally don't have the
stomach for slow fades. They
feel that their time is valuable
and don't want to waste it with
someone they don't like.
"It's unrealistic to think that
all of our friends will be with us
to the end. That doesn't
happen," says marriage and
family therapist Barbara Hansen.
"It's very positive to have
different friends for different
interests. We have to drop our
expectations that a friend needs
45,
iAt 'a
relationship? Hone levegi
Yon should try to analyze: it no
that you're tear about what's
going on inside of yourself.
Is the relationship worth
enough to try to change it? A
little guilt is the price you may
pay to terminate something
that's giving you tension,
anxiety, non enjoyment and a
sense of overload.
You tnay feel you've been
"used," and that's humiliating.
"To be exploited," says Willard
Gaylin, M.D. in "Feelings,"
"is to be seen as less than a
person. Deception is even
worse. In addition to having
been used, you've been duped."
It's never a good idea to
sweep things under the rug.
Resentment is the most
detrimental emotion. It grows
until it eats up the relationship.
Then there is nothing. You may
have to sit down the your friend
and talk about it, even though
the prospect is frightening.
Naturally, we're concerned the
other one will take it personally.
You must make it clear that the
reason you want to ease off is
because of you and that it's not
your friend's fault.
This worry about relationships
ending is why some people
hesitate to go into a friendship.
One client told Dr. Baisden she
was developing some friends,
but she wanted to be very
careful that it would last. His
answer was, "Are you looking
for a friend or an insurance
policy?" •
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