HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Exeter Times, 1884-10-30, Page 3WIT
""Vat? Yon /cavo never been
France, Meessl Zen 'ow orb yousr-
,.
rived, at sQ TOeakiug ze FrenchP
'Oh, wgltt„3= o lenri at: 400)01, you
lntw., 004o�2' a who saI. rte411 to mo at
diniger nett to, eat any fat. and I used
to taibar itch exercises ler her; so
T got los oilpreeticei"
Telemachus, don't let me hear you
laughing at a woman again because
she Can't sharpen a peneil. When you
want something in that line to laugh
do you just contemplate a man cutting
out a paper pattern with a pair of
scissors by the united efforts of his
right-hand, lower jaw and two-thirds
of his tongue. --Burlington Hazokeye.
"Yes," he said, "we were out salting
and noticed a yacht some distanoo off
flying signals of distress, and when we
name up with her we found affairs in a
fearful state," "'What was the
trouble?" asked his friend; "was she
sinking?" "Worse than that—all the.
Neer had given out." "Indeed!
Well, that was terrible."—Boston Post
The chemist is. happy. He hasn't
time tosleep nights, so busy is he ex-
tracting, the pure essence of lemon,
orange. strawberry, and other dello.
ions fruits from ooal tar for the soda
.rater fountain, And thefruit grower,
who bas the real thing, feels blue Iles
cruise he can't sell it at a paying price.
This is how nature gets lett sot ietines.
There is a story told of Lord Hard-
castle meeting Poole on the ebainpier
et Brighton, Be stopped hint and
said; "Look hero, Toole, 1 got this
coot of you, and see bow badly it fits."
Poole took a bit of chalkk out of his
waistcoat pocket, and narked His
Lordship's coat all over, and said
"Take that coat to niy cutter, My
Lord, and he will make the necessary
alterations."
A German gontiemaa of aesthetic
proclivities recently sat In a London
restaurant where Oscar Willie occupied
s table. Oscar called for a bunch of
io1ets. stuck kris loose into them, In.
haled their perfume, and remarking,
at have dined," paid his bili and
passed out. The German testhete re-
tloeted for a moment and then ordered
a cake of Limburger cheese. After in-
haling the perfume he ecelalmod,
also baf mittag gohaben," and followed
Wilde,—Pittsburg C'hronicic-Herald,
Col. Yerger has a son named Leoni-
das, whom ho is le ring taught music;
but he is the laziest boy In Austin, and
prefers lounging on the sofa reeding
dime novels and the Texas SIings to
practicing on the piano. A visitor re-
cently overheard. Col. Yerger remark:
"Yon miserable whelp, 1f you don't
get to that piano and play 'Beautiful
Dreams' over ten tinges I'll make the
neighbors think somebody Is sawing
you in two with a dull saw. Get at
them "Beautiful Dreams,' will von?"
Plantation philosophy: Do lazy man.
is er man o' judgment. He anus picks
out de easiest pines. I've afeerd o' a
stump -tail dog, case, habin' nothin' ter
wa_, I down know whudder or not he
is in er good humor. Sometimes yer
meets er wise man dat looks like er
fool, but more often yer meets a fool
dat looks like er wise man. De Ionian
whut .is keen ter get married Joan often
make or good wife. De little fish is
more ap' ter bite den do big one. I
duan like fur a man ter pectens ter be
sick a frien'. Bilin' water, flung up on
a cold day, will freeze quicker den cold
water.—eirkansaw Traveller.
Sam Kalleton, a member of the
Arkansas Legislature, was very fond of
offering amendments to bills intro-
duced. That was the limit of his Leg-
islative capacity. One morning after
a night's hilarity, .he entered the legis-
lative hall just as the chaplain was ask-
ing divine aid. The old man took a
chew of tobacco, and listened atten-
tively until the chaplainclosed his peti-
tion with an effective recitation of the
Lord's prayer. "Mr. Speaker," said 1
the old man, arising, "I move to
strike out the words 'daily bread' and
insert 'as much bread as may be found
necessary for twenty days.' We have
already done; enough for the flood
sufferers."
English Girls and Women.
In all physical exercise, writes a cor-
respondent, the English lass is not to
be surpassed. I noticed two young
girls walking in the park last week.
One was perhaps 19, the other 12. At
least they looked these ages, although
I find that an English girl's age isnot to
bo ascertained from her appearance. I
don't attempt to explain the matter,
but certain it is that when girls here
look 12 and 19 they are tuore apt to be
15 and 23. When they are 25 and 30
they look 30 and 35, while with singu-
lar compensation matrons of 50 and 60
.often look as young as their grown
daughters. In onerespect the English
another is more sensible than her
American cousin. She keeps her girls
in the nursery limits, as it were, as
lona, as possible. This is as it should
be. The years speed, away fast enough
without forcing the girls into woman-
hood too soon. In America there are
too few genuine little girls. They are
little old women, with haggard little,
dissipated doll faces, with tight stays
and abbreviated skirts. An English'
:girl remains one until long after the
time that her sister on the other side of
the Atlantic is married.
VERY REMARKABLE RECOVERY.
Mr. Geo. V. Willing, of Manchester, Mich
'writes "My wife has been almost helplesefhr
Five years, so helpless that she could not turn
ewer in bed alone. ' She used two Bottles' of
Eleetrie Bitters, rind is so much improved,
that she is able now to do )ser own work.”
Electric Bitters will do all that is claimed
for them. Hundreds of testimonials attest
tbeirgreat curative powers. Only fifty cents
a bottie,at C. Lutz's Drug Store.
A Swindled perky.
"Sandy" Jim, as he is called, is one
cd the most quarrelsome negroes in.
Austin, but he always gets the worst of
every fight and invariably gets thrashed,
Soso days ago he was fined $10 for
not eomplyins with some sanitary
ordinance that required him to clean
up his back yard. As he paid over
the money he sighed and groaned as if
he was sick, and shaking his head said
to the justice:
"Dis heap money am Jose as good
as (rowed away, Hit don't do rile
no good. When I bad dat furse wid
Jim, Webster and got lily arm broke I
Dully had ter pay $5, and I was laid up
a whole week. I don't mean nuffu
pussonal, Jedge, but hit don't seem to
tale I was gettin' de wufrob my money."
"bat's not my fault, Jim," respond-
ed the justice. "lf you don't clown up
youryard, you will Have to pay for it."
"gut,, jedge, foals God, von isasking'.
too much. Ten dollars; Whew! Down
fn Galbeston 1 only had ter pay ten
dollars for de furse I had avid a white
man. who frowed a handful ob buck.
shot inter ine, and put me in the bospit-
til for six meals. If I bad been busted
ober de head mid a pistol by de p'lico
matt who 'rested me for not eleanrng
up datyard, 1 wouldn' bah Bald sword;
but for put down tea dollars for puffin,
when I hasn't Oben been kicked, or
called a black scoundrel, why, jectge, 1
bit's pufffectly ridicklis," and ho went
off grumbling and shaking his head
satisfied that he bad been deprived of
his constitutional rights. ---Texas Sif%
]Ii to neveinSteeping. Cara,
An observing person who bas reason
to travel much in sleeping cars roust
have been frequently moved by the
lack of reasonableness on the part of
travelers and officials, In some meas-
ure to repair this defieiency and render
mummer touringmore restful and Dom,
tortable the folowing hints are thrown
out;
To the conductor; Sell the acme berth
to several persons, and let them fight
It out as to who shall occupy it. Be
noisy,important, supercilious. incon-
siderete; sot as if you owned the car: a
This w111 make everybody feel happy
AD Safe,
To the porter; Keep the toilet -rooms
unclean and do not supply more titan
no towel for three persons. If a •pas-
aenger departs from the coach during
the small hours at night, call bim up
so loudly and repeatedly that no one
will remain asleep. If the weather
be warm, keep the fere going lively.
If it be cold, see to it that the Are goes
out. If there bo a good supplyof dust
and cinders, arras o the ventiators so
as to let in as mue as possible. In
summer be scrupulously carefulnot to
lee the drinking nater. If a party of
Boston teachers, coming out to see the
great West for the first time, get up at
4 o'clock In the morning, make up
their sections with so, much fuss and
such desperate slamming and banging
as t0 awaken all the other passers ers.
This will insure that their waking
thoughts shall be prayerful, especially
after you toll them, that the train will
be four hours late reach`hg its destine-
tion.
To travelers, especially from "tbe
cultured East" to "the rowdy West":
Act as if you owned the car from the
start. Your superior breeding will
thus bo established, and no one will
question it thereafter. Talk loudly,
especially about the private and per-
sonal affairs of absent and unknown
people. Be sure to use slang so as to
escape the suspicion of being intellect-
ual dudes. Monopolize the toilet-
roonis. Give orders to the conductor
and porter in such style as will demon-
strate that the emancipation proclama-
tion had no reference to white trash or
to colored folks whom you may happen
to command. Put your feet up on the
cushions of the seats, especially if you
have a pretty boot. It will not be seen
otherwise. If you cannot sleep during
the night complain so noisily as to
halve plenty of company. Get up at
3i30 in the morning, "just to sec the
wild West" and arouse your traveling
companions. Maintain an incessant
and boisterous conversation so as to
compel all the other passengers to get
up, or at least to lie awake when they
I
should be all asleep. Sneer at every-
thing you cannot laugh at. Demon -
1 strata in all these ways the superiority
of the "cultured East" over the "rowdy
West," and you will . add inestimably
to the enjoyment and happiness of sum-
mer travelers. All who happen to be
in the same car will gaze upon your
1 departing figure when . the ttain pulls
into the station with the emotions Aus-
tin Dobson describes when standing-
before
tandingbefore a certain grave:
* a * In letters sharp and clear
• You read -0, irony austere—
ante lost to sight to memory dear."
—Chicago Herald.
1.•a
Alexander Ross, in an interesting
communication in the Prairie Farmer;
vas some experiences in draining up -
finds in Seotlands A nest wane niaatue: on
two acres. of ground, otheavise alike,;
with rye. The drained acre yielded 611
busbels, and the undrained 181 bush-
els.
¥orq peeolile, adults and children. aretronb Holloway's 'Pills.—Enfeebled • Existence.--
1ed with costiveness • than with any other ■
Thi medicine embraces.every attribute requii;
ailme it . Dr, 11 pry. Baxter's 11�anrlrake Bit- s+.
' ed rrt a general domestic remedy. It ov.
tars will eats eoafiveness -'and prbyent t$3
diseases which result from it. fectiertuve theoandfouii impure
a ofdiseaselaidbuy de-
fectfve food and air. In obstructions
interesting items. •'
Bucil;..len's#ArnIea Sa►Xe•
The Best Salve iu the world for Cuts, Bruis-
es, Sores, Liloers, Salt Rheum, Fever Sores.
Tetter Chapped bands, suds, Clailblains,Gaxns, and
all Skin Eruptions, and positively cures Pikes.
gisor ts.
no pay required, it. is guarauteed to give'
perfect satisfaction, or money refunded,
Pride 25 cents per box. For sale by all drug.
A GOOD TEST.
For over sixteen years G. MaaBeerest, of
Forest, has sold Hagyard'a Pectoral Balsall
and its sales are steadily inereasing. It cures
e n bs, colds, and all lung complaints ; is
pleasant to take and always reliable.
9 REJSARKABIE RECOVERY.
A'eouncil of doctors declared Mrs, Adelaide,
O'Brien , of 372 Exchange street, Buffalo, jral
eatable. Her liver was badly disordered ; she
vomited green Mascuus • could retain. n.4 food
skin yellow and full of humors. She was rap-
idly sinking, but Burdock Blood Bitters cured
ber.
An elastic step, buoyant spirits. and clear
oomplexions, sre among the Many desirable
resulti of pure blood. The possessor of healthy'
blood has his faculties et command. and en-
joys shale wbe at to blooduick is heavtiony ane slu b
with. itupuritiep. Ayer's Sarsaparilla is the
best blood purifier and vitalizer known.
Ms. David Dement, a Idontreal boat age
shoe dealer dropped dead un the street after
itdeeding rho funeral of a tate friend ou Wed-
uosdsy. Heart disease is bell( red to ba the
cause,
FLUID LIGHTNING.
Fluid Lightning is th.� only calk' for Tooth-
ache, Headache, Earache and :Ncuraligie.. It
does nut take a day or hour to cure it. but in
leas than a minute all pain is gone. Thous-
ands have tented its merits within the last
year. Fluid Lightning is also a positive cure
for Rheumetistu, The worst possible' cases
have beau permanently cured in ono week.
Price 25 cents at 3, W. Browning's Drug
Store.
$500 Reward.
t'We will pay the above reward for any
case of Liverootnplaiut. Dyspepsia, Hick head-
ache, Indigestion, Constipation or Coativeuess
we;caunot cure with West's Vegetable Liver
Pills, when the directions are ttrickly complied
with. They are purely Vegetable, and uevee
fail melee satisfaction. Sugar coated. Large
boxes, containiug 80 rills, 211 cents. For sale
by all Druggists. Beware of couuterfeits and
]Imitations. The Genuine uranufsetured ouly
by JON C. WEST k CO., ".The Pill mak-
era," 81 & 83 Fang street E"Rst Toronto, Out.
Free trial package sent by mail prepairrd en
receipt at a three sent etawp.
ItEAIARKABLE (RESTORATION.
Mrs. A O"Srim,872 Exchanges St-eet, Buf-
falo, was supposed to 1"e dying with oousutup-
tion and abandoned by her pbysicisn, She
suffered terribly and was reduced in flesh to
etinety venues. In Ibis condition she resorted
to Burdock Blood Bitters, and now enjoys per -
feet health and weighs one hundred and forty
six. She willgladly answer euquiriug sew .
era on receipt of 13. fit. Postage stamp.
;;A tiirkdale bootmalier has this startling an-
ts,uneement in hdlg sindow: eLadies will be
sold as low as 7 drillings a pair."
Are you ttoabled with Salt Rheum. Bough
Hands, or Old Sores of any kind that catuaot
be healed ?Even though it be of yeses stn -
ding McGregor d I'arke's Carbolic Cerate will
cure it. Beyond the shadow of a doubt it is
the best healing compound ever kuowu. Iloilo,
Festeriugs, Frost Bites, Bnrna or any Skin
Trouble, are alike cured by it. Sold at 25
cents by J. W. Browning, Druggist. 4
INHUMAN CRUELTY,
It isa barbaric cruelty to torture the weak
stomachs of invalids with barsh purgatives'
and sial:ening drugs, when Burdock Blood
Bitters will regulate the stomach, bowels, liver
and kidneys in so agreeable and effectual a
manner.
ON THIRTY DAYS' TitIAL.
Tint VOLTAIC BELT GC., Marshall, diich.,wil
send Dh.Drx's QETEnnATED ELECTrio-VOLTAIC
BELTS AND ELECi*io APPLIANCES en trialfor
hirty days to men (young or ole) who are af-
flicted with nervous debility,. lost vitality
and kindred troubles, guaranteeing
speedy and complete restoration of health and
manly vigor. Address as above. N. B.—No
risk is in urred. as thirty days' trial is allowed
A GOOD RECORD.
Among the many thousand bottles of Hag -
yard's Yellow Oil sold annually in Canada not
one has ever failed to give satisfaction. It
cures rheumatism, colds and all painful com-
plaints and injuries.
AaswEn Tar:s onEsrrox.--Why do so many
people we see around us.seem to prefer to suf
fer and be made mieerable by indigestion, con-
stipation, dizziness, loss of appetite, coming
up of the foop, yellow skin, when for 75 cents,
we will sell them Shiloh's Vitalizer, guaranto
ed t' cure them, Sold by 3. W. Browning,
Exeter. E o w,
"I am surprised, John," said an old lady,
when she found the butler helping himself to
some of hor finest port. "So am I, ma'am,"
was the calm reply, "I thought yon was gone
out."
Wife—Whet,s the mattter now, John ?
Husband—Oh, that neuralgia and tooth-
ache near kills me.
Wile --Why don't you go to 3, W. Bio 'r-
ing's Drug -Store and get a bottle of Fluid
Lightning ? You know it cures ail such
things as Toctbache, Neuralgia, Headache.
Lumbago. Earache, Sore Throat, etc. It gives
instant relief.. 4
USEFUL TO KNOW.
Everyone should know that llagyard's Yel-
Iow Oil will giye prompt relief ; applied exter-
nally will stop any pain ; and taken internally
cures Colds, asthma, croup, sore throat and
most inflammatory complaints.
WEATNp!R ,PROBAB1LITIES.
Fortelling the weather is a useful science.
but ;releiving the effects of its sudden changes
is a better one. Eagyard's Pectoral Balsam
euree coughs and collie, incident to "sudden
change's.
These are Solid.
The best loodpnrifier and systemregulator
eyer.placed within the reach of suffering hu-
manity, truly if'Electric Bitters. Inactivity
io+
the Liver, bliousness,jaundice, constipation,
weak kidneys, or any disease of the enemyorgans,or whoever requiresan appetizer,tonio
or mild stimulane,will .always find Electric
Ilsilr....I' T'T., .BLE TO EVERY' LA IJY
IIVIAYDEW,
The great French Lotion lar Beautifying
the Face.
Itooueealsthe evidence of age., oueapplt-
cation wilt make the most stubbornly red.and
rough bands beautifully soft and white, Re•
dneueber that" MAY pk1a4" is nota paint or
powder that fill up the pores of the akin, wed
that iainjurious to the skin buts new and
areas discovery, a veget the ti(iud,. tbatcamiee
the cheek to glow with health. the neck, areas
and halide to rival the Lily in whiteness. In•-
nos. ible to detect in the beauty it confers any
artificial character. It aures Greasy Wein,
Freckles, Wrinkles, Pimples, Black Heads.
Groom's Foot, Blotobea, Vitae Grubs, Sun Biome
Tan. Ringworm, Chapped .$ ands, Sore or Chep
red Lipp. Bather's Itch, Tetter. fie. It frees
the pores, oil glands, and tabes from the tnjur-
lobs eftacks of powders and ooametiv w'aabo .
By its use all redness end rousbness are pre,
vented : R4 bee,.itittee the akin, and will mske it
soft, smooth and white; imparting a deliciot e
sof tausa;producing it perfectly healthy. n,ttur.
al, and youthful appearance. The best face
lotion that the world ever produced. We will
send" A r.Anaa noxrra "to any a9dresa on re-
ceipt Afprice,Vit, ti'heuertiaringtgontianthi
paper,.
Andrew all letters to the
Alla DF.W AnR ci'Y,
7t Xoung'street, Toronto, Ont
d Reception Rome for Ladies.
Peeler
atiORIMMI
BISSETT BIOS.
HEADQUARTERS
O
arctwar'e,
Spades,
Hoes,
Forks,
Scythes,
Barb wire and steel strip fencings
*vial lino ot 13negy Ups
CHEBP AT
BISSETT BROS.
RENOWNED REMEDIES.
H�LLOWAY3 PILLS&OINTMENT
THE PILLS
Purily the Diced, correct all Disorders of the
LIVER, STONIAOH, IKIDNEYS, A l` 1 (V ELS.
They invigorate and restore to health Debilitated Coustitutions, and are "iuvaluable in all
Complaiute incidental to Females of .all ages. For dahlia and the aged they are priceless
THE .OINTMENT
Is an infallible remedy for End Legs, Bad Breasts, Old Wounds, Sores and Ulcers. It is
famous for Gout and Rheumatism.
FOR DISORDERS Or THE CHEST 1T lieu xo
For Sore Throats. Bronchitis, Coughs, Colds, Glandrilar Swellings. anal all skin diseas
it has no rival ; and for contracted and stiff joints it aetslike a charm.
The Pills and Ointment are sold at Tnoius EoILow4Y's Establishment,
78 NEW OXFORD-STREET1ate.(033, OXFORD -STREET), LONDON ;
also by nearly every respectable Vendor of Medicine, in Boxes and Pots, at Is.14d., 2s.„9d.,
4s. 6d., lis., 22s., and 33s. each. The 2s. 9d. size coutains three times the quantity of the
is 1}d, size ; the 4s. 6d. size six ; the lis, size sixteen ; the 22s size thirty-three ; and the
338 size fifty-two times the quantity of the smallest Boxes and Pots.
Full printed directions are affixed to each Box anti Pot, and can be hart in any language
is- Purchasers should look to the Label on the Pots and Boxes. If the address is not
533 Oxford Street. London, they awe spurious.
e
or congest: ,... ot•the liver, lunge ',bowels or 1
W ILLIA1YI DREW
other organs, these pills are especially ser; .
vicable and eminently successful. They should
1
be kept in.readiness in every :family, being a
medicine Of incomparable utility for,` young
persons, especially those of feeble . conshtn:,
tions. They never cause pain or Irritate the ..
moat ,sensitive nerves or most tender bowels. .
Bitters tbe best andonly certain mire known. Holloway's Pilia,are"the;, best known,,purffiers
of theblood. the meld active promotera of ab- , +'
They net sureleatind quickly, evezy bottletion All
guaranteed to giveentire satisfaction' ormoney and ebnoxidut pard les m a ebmoved from from I-.
refunded. Sold. at fifty cents a bottle byC. both solid and finide. , i
Lutz.
ertaker
itta'
ret , m per.
ONE''. DOOR NORTH MOLSON'S DANK