HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Exeter Times, 1884-4-24, Page 3Blood Figures.
Anxiety and mental distress were de-
pleted on every line of his face as he
rushed into an oftiee on New street, and
called out:
"I tell you I'm right and rn bet a
thousand on it!"
"What is it?"
"Illy figures on the damages done by
the late tresbets from Pittsburg to New
Orleans. I spent three whole hours
this 'zeroing figuring up and I can't be
wrong,"
"What do you make the sum total?"
"I make it$23,265,428.11.
"I guess that's correct."
"Of course it is, and think of the gall
of a broker across the way there con-
tending that Iain $7.04 off my base! He
says I have counted in two calves and
20 rods of rail fence which were not
swept away, but I don't believe it: no,
sir, don't believe a word of it!"—Wall
Street Dail Nem.
She Thought She Would Change the
Subject,
"Always," said papa, as he drank his
coffee anti enjoyed his morning beef-
steak,
eefsteak, "always, ehiklreu, change the
subject when anything unpleasant has
been said. It is both "vise mot polite,"
That evening on his . return from bus,
iness he found his carnation bed despoil.
ed, and the tiny bnprintof stip lered feet
silently bearing witness to the small
thief.
"Mabel," he said to her, 'Said you
pick my flowers?"
"Papa," said !label, "dill you see a
monkey in town?"
"Neer mind that. Did you pick my
dowers?"
"Papa, what dill gran'ma send me?"
''hfabel, what de you mean? !lid you
piek my flowers? .Answer me yes or
no."
"Yes,, papa, I did; but I'd foot I'd
change the subject." --- Philadelphia
Quiz.
Aunt Venus' Oat.
As I passed Aunt Venus' abode I dist
covered, from the clatter of pans and
kettles going on within, that she, toe
was up and stirring. As i paused to
peer curiously within the open door, in
a twinkling from out itflew +large cat,
with tail erect, wild eyes, and ,u its
mouth a chicken dressed and made
ready for the frying -pan, which latter
came hying after her, hurled by an ex-
asperated
xasperated Mand, while a cracked, high-
keyed voice exclaimed:
"Lamb. ef yo' means to kill dat ar
eat, I'lows 'Us time yo' dun It, 1 allus
did, t'ink dedebil was In cats, an' I jus'
knows he am in dat ar un, bigger'n a
woodchuck. I'sc dun C'row'd flans and
kettles aster her, till dar hasn't one
bressed {lot in tills byes kitchen what
dar hain t a hole or crack in. De nose
am bruk el'ar offen de tea-kettle—dat
ar gridi'on;ain't got no han.'Ie, au' all
dem nice gourd dippers, what yo' made
las' wilder nn' polished so b'u'ful am
gone, ebery one on em, atter dat eat.
Ile new Carvin' -knife Miss Luey Mot las'
week I sent after dat same ole, sly,
t'iafin', braek imp obB'lzebuby, "'day,
when I Botched her kitin' offen de cor-
ner
oxner ob de lio'ch long wif dat string of
pa'tri'ges inher motif Masse Bond sent
ober to de ladies, wif heconlplishments.
Do knife hit her squar, an' sho crawled
off so oncommon mis'blc-lookin' I felt
shorn she dun got her freedom papers
in ole Wenus' hes' ban'writin'; but not
'fore de Lord; der she goes wif de wes'
spring chicken outen my pan, jus' ez
aggrawatin' an' full ob 'git up au' git'
ez Ober; an' do knife—do Lord hose'f
only knows wimp it am, fo' I 'clar' I
dun forgot all 'bout it till dis bressed
minit.
Johnnie Had It,
Colonel Bumgardner got up yester-
day
esterday morning worse mixed than were
the drinks he had taken the night be-
fore. When he was ready to start on
his usual cocktail expedition, he cried:
"Metier, where's my hat?"
"I don't know, dear, unless Johnnie
hasit."
"Well, and what the darnation is he
doing with it?"
"I don't know—but he said he want-
ed a brick to sharpen the knives on and
I told him to look in 3 -our hat. You
said you had one there."
The colonel wore his last summer
straw hat clown town.
Little Johnny Samuelson goes to
school, and has become quite proficient
in arithmetic. Johnny is the only child
of Mr. and Mrs. Samuelson, but the lat-
ter was a widow with six children when
she married Mr. Samuelson. "How are
your little brothers and sisters coming
on?" asked a lady friend of the family.
"Ali three of thein are well," responded
Johnny. "Why, there aro six of them,
Johnny." "Yes, ma'am, but you forget
they are only half brothers and half sis-
ters, and it takes two halves to make a
whole one." ---Texas Siftings.
One time I was iu Mr.Brily's shop and
he had crit Of a pig's had and set it on
top of a bar!, and ole Gaffer Peters he
cunt in and seen it, and he sed, ole Gaffer
did,' "Mister Brily yure pig is a gitton
out." Mr. Brily he licked audthen sed.
"That so, Gaffer, you jest take that stick
and rap him on the nose fore he can
draw it in." So Gaffer he tuke the stick
and snook up reel sli, and fetched the
pigs bed a regular nose -wiper, hard as
ever he c>.uie with. a stick, and knocked
the pigs hed off the bar!, and you never
seen seals a stonishod ole man!. But Mr.
Brily • he pretended like he wasn't a
lookyn, and ole Gaffer he• sed, "Mistei
Brily, you must.excuse me, but when 1
struck at that pig it dodged and cut its
hod oft agin ,the edje of the burl."—Tlia
Argonaut.
•' A telegraph' wire is likea mustaohti.
Itis of no use when.it is down.
• If there is ever a time in a man's lift
when he is tempted to lie it is when the
assessor 'begins to ask peisonal ques
• ions.:
IT(:HIN°, PI 1, tl'AII't'OMSANDCURE
`l'eaching Rim a lesson. 1 e sytnll ems no • 1 p
atinn, itltenl eitelline r, e eased by P• mtcheig;
"Xacob,1 dells you more as a hut's•• very di- tt'e-bil.r . • aIt'eulSI at Ili. ht; nsrtms as
dent dimes alreaty yit dot you -mmost if i•iu-u. n1,6 +nit: es tic hug lo auel insist rho
nicht spreeh pack on me in Seherinan • , canto. tie le i ite 1 a'' n a e :4.111011ecsef- weltje ag'Ctmuissic. ‘e1* .
dt►"Fa Tone T ne Wo
"Fader, I forgit somedimes." tu'tsu,as f 1 ,:., (,t1'tjj �, ', ; lf'��f'tll':Ii t "' � � 111
ILII al:< ,..•tut. Se,! „ .,. 1",cct!,etas, 'U 14<! x[1P.ABE de Co4
clot. You moos" like veer fader him , Nas.241and298 wast IJaltituoro Strout
done viten him vas a boy." •l llarb,'i,t I1. 1"ke ht '. ,t;k t,t':tts ;t l tor 1,214 uo. ii2zltti> eveaue.NarrYork,
"And what was that. fader?'" Rn.eetes I3••x t t nail, :.
"I moost English s reehen all der Addre,r; It 7tt'AY;r-+. ,1 4')N Philo . Pa.'
dimes viten I don'it vas so pia as a Sold tlx,l"rrb i t .
leeclle too vit. Und you se• dot vas ` iE TO M
to ARVICkl TO MOTHERS.
vhy I :lot me dot language to a tine
feCied. If el! ••• a ,t to c, ut11 tie vet e dons rt • ?INgty11,A>a1ag , 7iI
lruia110 1! & �I1'd 1
""You nroosG nicht dot somedimes for-. IS n l,! t,, , sure t ulv i• , f t totter, l - i ,
d down." Are you disturb, d atuie n and broken of your
r'rest bteelt,tc^111.1-01fcr,tlt awl crying nob
"Fader, do r(lii'ivant me to learn s'1 u
or von learn mer . pain of gutting "Meth? If so, send at once and
•'Isar vhy you dose vay dalk? You • get a bottle of 14I1t8 wl\SE.OW''1 sooTHIN('t
make mut ascltatlled fon meinselef fon SYRUP° Its valid. i inct,l(mlal,le. It will re -
you," lieve the tusr !Wit s::If• 1• r immediately. He -
"I can speak English better than you pefldup nftlnor t•r', 1• eleup •:,i,t lie abotot
, r.
i, it. It cur, s tip -enter; and draaPrboett. regulates
nosyfade
"Gott nu Ilimmell! Yost consent
the stoil nell Rita bawl 1s. corm- 111101 colic.
J.Doupe & Co DYSPEPSIA, DRP8,11«IDIZZINESS,
s, DI ES
VE
INDIGESTION, FLUTTERING
JAUNDICE. OF THE HiEART,
*���" " T ERYSIPELAS, ACIDITY OF
i i I () N I HE•ARTR RNA' DRYNE, a TOMACH,
HEADACHE, OF TiIE Mk
And every species or disease arising fro
Oisordered
BQwER, IDNEYY8 STOMAQH%
your fader clot vay! Von I vas half not softens t't Runts'. redacts tn;Hamtratiou. and OUTSTRIPS EVERYTHING FOR
So pig like you I sprechen me dot Eng- st es tone an , energy to the ""!role system.
lith dalk so voiles as a schule leacher Mus, Irlusraw' S
a sooviIii:O . riti'i.` Bon "'LI'
Yon got von (loo schuiardt You dints BEN Tc:ETnlr*ta
you more as Cour fader knows? •I fenudonutsasa•,.i 1•htsieiates it. the Unitedsehook dot seluu'srd fon t ou ond! I States, and i. for stir by all druggists through -1 If 1011 watat the best value for
learn you Cone lesson ---you tamest nicht out Me world. Price e5 :cuts a bnttie.
more sehmarder peen as your fader.
Dem pad gonlpany vas That der mad- ss
der vas nett dem pad poys like you.
Viten I vas a !toy yit I know"! four .t 1i
dunes more as 1110111 fader, aber 1 doted KINN t. e' .• •'
Will hill. dot. 1 vas duo sehmard for tiu°ic.`t
11151",
16 l,l° psnut tt• fire ta8tt', and fa C
u, •
the pet serietfor f ore the ho aides t oud be st
BUTTER 44EGGS:
e' c,rcon. -- u()To-.-
I t .: tl, t"fund
dot. I dott'd vas so dumb 'like your bnose t t 4'47... iftlstt �i ... ghoul
tart: t 1 :e•r;eoc
b 11 isle •it t 1 ilrty sit it t best d s elleCo
mit a oow-skin hide shoost like diff --1 fic°.rn tnGti a ircindf�.r 9yfvlUNxeCO tirt�• t"r»Ra
But•bu'didn't show Y ae;1h how it eras Aat:*ii.t..,S oauco, 20.nrvadway. New 1i'orlr.
done. Yacob was too smart for that,
He knew four times more than his
father. That's why ho dodged out and
oil down the street at the fastest small
boy rate,--1Ccntt(cky State Journal'.
Out l mein fader Bile doh! (lot him t Ptt(,1, nes ,i tt f P 'la A1C ti,-.)''wtt art'n�'n d �n .t
hex; zee mein coat -collar oo suit 5 i t (t rgtAi aA
} p mutt•lur,ce,rcul'""4sCleattaop• r, °'"Ieur's
his left haunt ltnd vh!p mein pohindt i Nlcr 1.1,.,d,tl ualtravinscs a d interesting
to
WIT AND HUMOR,
Clerk of the Court: "Qwest Dohertt
Are von Owen Doherty?" Pr sons'(with'
a merry twinkle In Ids oyes): "Yes, be.
gorra, I'm owing everybodv."
The enterprising iudivlaual who is
organizing a brass band of twenty wo-
men says that, if thoy learn half as,
many "airs" as they put on. the exper-
iment
xnaciment cannot fail to be a nneees3.
"Is it wrong to cheat a lawyer?"
was recently eery ably discussed by
the members of a debating socloty. "lite
conclusion arrived at was that it was
not wrong, but impossible.
Some ono says "no thoroughly occu
pied man was ever miserable." That
man evidently don't know what it is to
attempt the feat of keeping twin babies
quiet while their mother goes to church,
In Arkansas they call it a romantic
marriage where a couple of the neigh
hors get the bride's father in a back
room, and sit on him to prevent his in-
torrupting and breaking tip the wed-
ding.
A. gentleman having his hair out, and
being annoyed with the operator's sto-
ries, in the middle of each he said,
"Cut it short" At last the barber, in
a rage, exclaimed: "It cannot bo cut
shorter, for every hair on your head is
cut off."
Dr. Chalmers used to say that when
he is in the act of tipping his hat to a
lady whom ho supposes to bo an ac-
quaintance it requires a good dual of
taot to make believe that he is only
scratching his forehead whon ho finds
sho is a stranger.
"Say, Pat, whatever made you go to
work for old Uncle Dan? lie's the
meanest man in tho country." "Aiello
is it?" said Pat: "why, shuro an' he's
the foinest, nisyest goin' master Iver I
had, bednd. He gives a man fifteen
hours to do a day's work in."
"1 toll you," said Pools, "there's au
indescribable sense of luxury in lying in
bed and ringing one's bell for his valet."
"You got a valet!" exclaimed Poots'
friend. "No," replied Pouts, "but I've
got the bell." — Cincinnati' Saturday
Night.
"Oh,, ma," said Jennie Parvenu,
when sho came home from a dance at
Newport. "You should have seen Mrs.
Dash. She looked just too lovely for
any thiug, had diamonds just as big as
yours, and she was the sinecure of all
eyes!" "Late, you don't say!" said ma.
Elderly and obnoxious suitor who was
the first to arrive and evidently means
to be tite last to go: "I have forgotten
most of my mathematics, but at your
age, sir, I was devoted to them." Im-
patient young lover: "Ah! then you are
probably familiar with the 'rale of
41three.' " E. S.: "The rule of three?"
. Y. L.: "Yes, that two is company
and three is one more."
, "Your son has been knocked off the
railroad and killed," exclaimed a man
ap roacbing an Arkansas Colonel.
"Who knocked him offP" excitedly de-
manded the Colonel. "A railroad en.
gine." "Well, that begins to explain
matters, for I knew devilish well he'
wasn't knocked off by any ordinary
man. He was ono of tho boys, let me
tell
man..
Traveler.
Evenin the making of a: will, little
peculiarities will occasionally present
themselves. Here is an Irish specimen:
"I hereby give and bequeath to my
beloved tvit�e Bridget the whole of my
property without reserve; and to my,
eldest son, Patrick. ,one ;half of there
mainder; and to DenuiS, my you%1ge"st
'
son, the rest: Tf anythingt- aitm
is left -sat
go, together with the old cart without`
wheels, to my sincere and affectionate
friend, Terence McCarthy, in sweet Ire-
land."
Brother Gardner's philosophy: "What
we don't know we often tryto makeup
, for in argyment. What we lack in argy-
ment we try to make up for in blab. It
am easier to call a man a fool dan to
produce lacks and 'figures to convince
him dat he am in de wrong. It am safer
to call an old Mali' a liar than to Wink ,at
a young man's wife."
W111 be mailedbe! to all applicants and to
csto.•aera of last Fsoose rim rxithcut ardcrint; it.
t contains illustrations, pricsa descriptions and
directions for ;slanting all Vegetable and Flower
Seeds. Plants, etc.Ixtvnlunble to an.D. M. FERRY
pCO WINDSOR.
11 �'
DUSEIOIAcI�,MI
SEWIN
10o,a.v.: .F EVf art, (..f ,' PROVI ,.1V 1 I/ I
SIMPLret 05T 'JtIru(
ES%� CXAMOEAINi 1r.,ANo.TEig,BESt'
SUMPTIO
1h.co,ap"yl0reremed tor the above Minute; b Its
'.e 11, 21xxde ornate* or thewent kind and ofyy,�ut;
r•,1,tatghaie'11
( eur.d.lndaad 8)18180081405)181)11
in On ettteac , th,,t•7111 send Tl1'O 110111.85 mos%,
1.2111 ra111 it Ai.rAISLE TREATISE eathtadisease,
1e aUr aWrerr8. Otte Express and r. O. address.
PR. T, .t. SLOot'X, tit reirl St.. Severed;
Health & Happiness for all.
WILL CURE OR RELIEVE
Biliousness, Headache, Dys-
pepsia, Indigestion, Dizziness,
Jaundice, Dropsy, Fluttering
of the' Heart,
And every species of disease arising from
Impure Blood, &c. �Cc.
1880.1RRD rY x11)1
Climax Chemical Company
MONTREAL.
Exeter Butcher Shop.
R. DAVIS,
Butcher & General Dealer
---1N or. KENDS or --
-GI IAITiS
Customers supplied TUESDAYS, THURS-
DAYS AND SATURDAYS at their residence.
ORDERS LEFT AT THE SHOP WILL RE
CEIVE PROD/11'T ATTENTION.
LARDINE
MACHINE OIL.
HARMERS, THRESHERS, AND
Mill men will save menoy, and save their
Machinery by using Laraine.
LA:R,DINE
Has been victorious at all the leaning exbibi
Hone and industrial fairs since 1878, oarryiu golf
first prizes and modals in every instance. ' It
has now no canalas a lubricator, and. will out-
wear lard, seal or castor oil, and warra AO not
to , clog or gumthe finest macbinary' You will
save money byusing this 0i1. Try it and you
will testify in its favor. Beware of imitations.
—MANIIPAa&'uriED ONLY IIY—
vICco11 Bros. Co., Toronto.
—FOR SALE BY—
BISSETT BROS., Exeter
J. EILBER'& SON, ()redden
MoDONELL & WAUGH, Hensel!
KIRI1TON,
1111 MSALL
PORK PA CKiM +YOU8E
t MI BURN & gO., P''° QR0tiT1,
JOHNSTON'S STOAT'S
SARSAPARILLA
IVEIk ki 3ttAuillallDTSPINIA,
I.nd for Purifying, the Blood.
It has been i'1 use for "Oyoaata, and has
proved, to L3'.te t.. -4t pr:•_sarationin tit,1
marLetter SIM I ..A1bAC'1fE. PAIl71::
.THE SIDE Katt BACK. I<ir c( a
PLAINT. PIMPLES f, N TIiu F,AC4
DYSPEPSIA, I11114, Cts 1 n&I I114eai.e•I
•thattufse fr,,ttt p 1 ., r,:t .-rel f.:1- r or an
falpere L4 T . 't :cls cf ear heat
prt.l,,a f " .' It a i fi i d, it. tri tttrir el!ti-
Wars,
it oz.:* .ex:e.0.•0- est !t. to
It Isms fr rw ,'+shoe. ituntio.
t'ait 1: lba.,.atraa !)ar% t t :r. ,,
t(t•�
D n1dc.la� 's'rcn.1,1; 1
to..me 4(4.l!nt,Nttlt„nta and
1551.4, It IOL r. 'I Y t,. ti.:ti e..a-
not L-. 1 t .e 11,1 « t , '• t .
It (En of the ht+lt r•xton: rt , id t.>�: •r
Iiegu,At fait, ti o lis'wt ie.
9i „r .* •
t+^e datlar r, ! tt tt>s -U ts4.'+,1„ as' k l; .+•,n ?
: eeeta:
- wry , a' P,l»t t� oto f t ,.» pa r• t 'tri
It . - : 1 i,i. PY^.'.•
a. t,t
ti avint autumenced bueiuesr•tor the
Fall and Winter Trade
Wit arc prepared tepurchaseatint:nutity of
Pork, subject to the followiu g regulations
We will take off two pounds per Hundred it
dry, and three pound IP soft. Shoulder teak
twenty-five cents. If any of the 1 clog guts
aro left ia, 26 -Ants extra will be deducted. a
No proK will be bought at any price!
it warm, '
Weavant all Hogs Cutting right through
breast tohec 1, and I1anisopeuedout to tail
G 4; J. PETTY -
THE ONLY
MANDRAKEtP VEGETABLE
"7":"-- 61; CURE'
-:m T - FOR
Loss of Appetite,
Habitual Costiveness,
1 Sick Headache and Biliousness.
A Pike, O.N. per bottle. Sold by all Druggists. .
AYER'S
terry Pectoral.
Alter complaints are so insidious in their at-
: :, those affecting the throat and lungs : none
11e d with by the majority of sufferers. The
c„ugh or cold, resulting perhaps front a
b or unconscious exposure, is often but the
• .;-sntin5 of a fatal sickness. , vnie'S- CnuiRY
L has well proven its efficacy in a forty
" fight with throat and lung diseases, and
be taken in all cases without delay.
A Terrible Cough Cured.
"In 18571 took a severe cold, which affected my
hates, 1 had a terrible cough, and passed night
n:tor night 'without sleep. The doctors gavo me
up. I tried <LYElt'S 011E11RY PECTORAL,'11)1011
••Pl teved nay longs, induced sleep, and afforded me
.t' rest necessary for the recovery of mystrength.
I ty the continued use of the PECTORAL a perma-
ueut cure was effected. I am now 83 years old,
hale and hearty, and am satisttedyour Ciiima
Y::c son Saved mo. 1101eAOE r.l'RliRoruL•R,"
Itoekingharn, Vt., July 15, 1882.
Croup. —A. Mother's Tribute.
"'Mille in the country last winter any little
boy, three years old, was taken ill with croup; ,t
seemed as if he would die from strapgulation.
One of the family suggested the use ofAYtae's
0110100r PECTORAL, a bottle of which was al -
Ways kept in the house. This was tried in small
and frequent doses, and to our delight in less Gaut
half an hour the little patient was breathing eas-
ily. The doctor said that the CHERRY PECTORAL
had saved my darling's life. Can you 'wonder at
our gratitude? Sincerely yours,
A13IS. EMMA GEDs1I."
159 West 128th St:, New York, May 18, 1e82.
" I have used AYER'S CHERRY PECTORAL hi 111y
family for several years, and do not hesitate to
pronounce it the most effectual remedy for couhs
and colds we have ever tried. A. J. CRANE."
Lake Crystal, Minn,, March 13, 1882.
"I suffered for night years fromllronchitil, and
after trying many remedies with no succuss, I wns
cured by the -use of AYER's OHEI11W PECTORAL.
• JOSEPH WALDEN."
Bybalia, Bliss.; April 5, 1882.
"I cannot say enough in praise of AYER's
CHERRY PECTORAL, believing as I do that but
for its use I should .longsinco have died from
lung troubles. E. BaAonos."
Palestine, Texas, April ?2,1882.
No vaso of an affection of the throat or lungs
exists which cannot be greatly relieved by the use
of AYER'S.CMERRY PECTORAL, RN itwillalways
cure when the disease is not already beyond the
control of. medicine.
.PREPARED 11Y
Dr. J. C. Ayer & Co., Lowell, Mass
Sold by all Druggists.
l
FREEMAN'S
WORM POWDERS.
Aro pleasant to teke. Contain their own
Pergativo. Is a safe, sere, and effectual
ffroyer of worms in CbildrenorAdultti
Fronthill Nurseries.
1325 ACRES.
THE. LARGEST iN THE DOMINION
Salesmen 'Wanted„
StendyEmployment at Fixed Salaries to all
willing to work: MENan 1 WOMEN can have
Pleasant work the year Bound. Good Agents
aro earning from DE to $75 per month and ex-
penses.
r Torras and outfit free- Address:
STONE re WELLINGTON,Toronic
THE NEW
`INVlNCIBLE'
STEAM MUM ll'
is THP--•__
KING of ALL WASHERS
(Pateutea in Canada, July 13,1863.)
Mr. 0. Ran wishes to inform the inhabi
tants of Exeter and vicinity, that he has sole
right of this washer for Huron County, add
also that he has appointed Mr. Robt. Pickard
agent for Exeter, and any person wishing. to
see the Machine, will please call at the Exeter
Ten Store. It was thoroughly tested, and ite
merits approved before the patent was tip.
plied for. It has since been placed in com-
petition with a great many washers of note,
and in every instance proved its superiority.
It is, without a doubt, the roost perfect in
action ever invented ; the improvements' are
prominent and well defined!; they are hot
imitations with a slight change of parts of
scene old played sant patents, such as the
public are often fleeced with by Patent Right
sharks, but they compose an original and
genuine invention, containing distinctive
features, which are fully set forth anti claim-
ed in a legal patent that will keep infringers
at a distance.
Few Reasons why the 'Invincible' is Best
1st. Only one-quarter the amount of soap
used as with other machines.
2nd. Only one-fourtli the fuel.
3rd,' No labor. in comparison with th
machines.
4th. No wear and tehr, as steam and soap
are. the priroipat agents.
5th. It requires only one-fourth 'the time
to do a washing.
6th. The house is not in an uproar with
Slops, washtubs, pots and pans, at least ono
day out of each week,
C. RAU, R. PICKARD, Agent,
Crediton. Exeter.