HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Exeter Times, 1880-8-12, Page 6r
HUMOROUS.
A recent disoovery ie a telephone
talked to death by a barber.
'I never argy agin a success,' says
Arteinus Ward ; 'when T see a rattle-
snaix's hod sticking ou't• of a hole, I
bear off to the left, and say to myself,
that hole belongs to that snail.'
'How like its father it ie i' exclaimed
tho nurse, on the occasion of the christ-
ening of a baby whose father was over
seventy, and had married a young wife.
'Very like,' replied a satirical lady,. 'it
hasn't it tooth in its head.'
What surprised Noah more than
aught else was that he received na ap-
plication for free passes. And what
astonished the pnblio after the flood
was, that the veteran navigator never
tried to get up a complimentary bene-
fit for himself.
People often complain of hard times
from a more natural tendeuey to growl,
hula Georgia darkey the other day
said :—'Nebber seen sigh times since I
was born. Work all day and steal all
night and blessed if I can hardly make
a libbin'.'
Two French wnreeu ware pasaeneere
on oue of the local trains between Vir-
ginia City and Carson. They had
with them, in a big tiu cage, a parrot
that annoyed every one with its con-
stant squalling and gabble. Observ-
ing the uufrieildly glances that were
beetowed upon the bird'" one woman
pulled down a cloth cover that was on
the top of the cage. When the ex-
tioguisher was clapped upon the bird
rend it found itself in the dark, it growl-
ed out, 'Tbat'a smart.' The bird kept,
quiet for a few minutes, then yelled in
its swrilling tone.—'Look out, Sarah,
he's going to kiss you t' The eouduct-
or,. who happened to be iu the car,
said : 'That parrot must be an old
traveler on raihoa3s, He seemed to
think we arepasaing through a tunnel.'
$2.50 WORTH OF FIGHTING.
A Carson city paper reports the fol-
lowing lively law proceedings :—
Yesterday afternoon a young man
came into Justice Carry's court room,
with the rim of his hat down over itis
eyes and remarked :
'Do yon know me ?'
'T think that you are the chap whom
I eenteneed for stealing about a year
ago,' replied the court meekly.
'Phat'e the harpin I am and here's
$20 fur my fine,' replied the other,
'Bat you served your term in jail,
and owe no fine.' said the judge.
'That's all right, old boy, but I'm
about to commit an assault and bat
tory, and 1. guessI''.l settle now, You're
the man I purpuee to lick.'
•Ob that's it,' replied the Court,
pocketing the coin; 'then you can start
in and oall it square.'
The young man advanced to the
Court, and let out his left. The judge
ducked his head, and, rising up, lifted
the intruder in the eye with a right -
header and sent hie: over against the
wall. In a moment the Court was
climbing all over the man, and in about
three minutes his -face was hardly
recognizable. The man begged the
Court to let up, which be finally did.
As the fellow was about to go out,
Carry went after him with: 'See here,
young man; I don't thick the kliting
you did bad ought to be assessed at
any more than $2.60 --here's $17.0
in ohange. I ain't charging you any•
thin¢ for fighting, but just for my time.
Next time I won't charge you a cent.'
The rough took the ohange and the
next train for Virginia City..
ANECDOTE OF HO1 ACE GREE•
LEY.
Mr. Greeley, wbiletravetliugthrough
Pennsylvania iu a stage coach, was ob-
liged to walk several miles to the town
of Milford, on account of an accident
to the coach. He arrived there in 'the
condition of a confirmed tramp. 'Uncle
Sammy' Dimmick kepi hotel there
then, He was a bluff, curt man, but
kind and Generous. Lloraoe Greeley
teas Wit idol He had never seen him
bila often declared it would be the
tel on Leet moment in hia life to meet
the great Whir,: editor. When air.
{gree a, enteet,tl the ►iiluege, after his
long and dusty tramp, he chanced to
stop at Ditntnick'a tavern, Uncle
Sammy was ;n the barroom, and in
one of his woret humors, Mr. Greeley
walked up to hila, and, in hia peculiar
falsetto voice, said :
`I am very tired and dusty, sir. I
would like to have a room where I can
wash my feet.'
sorofuloua smelling. Internal fever, '
soreness and ulcerating, yield to its }O,1.111Qr1
benign; tn'flueec$. Cansnulption, which
is but a form of scrofulons affection Of
the lungs, may in Its early stages be
oared by a' free use of tnib God given
remedy. See article on consumption
and its treatment in "Invalids' Guide
Bok" --10' cents post-paid. Address,
World's Dispeusrre lliedioat Associta-
tior. Buffalo, N. Y,
Uncle Sammy looked the seedy unci WORO11[iaST13 R, Mass., Feb, 8(1,1870.
dirty stranger Trona' head to foot. Xie- ( Dr. It. V. PILRor :
lieving him to be an' impudent tramp. Dear Sir—With trembling hand,
he bellowed out, in a voice that could fronlnay extrem age, being eighty-five,
I write to inform You of the great bene -
be heard over half the town :— fit you,. Golden illedieal Discovery and
Pellets have wen to me. Three years
ago 1 was prostrated with pneumonia,
alta 110 one thought I would recover
By the use of those tnedici+les I was
raised to health, and by the be-ssing of
God and your medicines I have enjoy-
ed pretty good health sines, though far
years before this I suffered from weak.
lunge and a bed cough.
Gratefully yours, MARY I3. FISK,
'A room to wash your feet in !
Why, you d -d impudent Econudi•el
go out to the horse trough and wash
your feet?'
A large public trough stood in the
street at the corner of the hotel, Mr.
Greeley walked quietly out to it, took
off his boots, and began washing his
feet in the trongtr. Cornelius W, De-
Witt. father of John E. DeWitt, the
well known New York insurance pre-
sident, at the time kept a store oppos.
ire Ditnmiok's tavern. He was also a
Whig, and knew Mr. Greeley. Ile
saw the man at the trough washing
hie feet, and Uncle Sammy standing
on the hotel piazza Innking at him
with intense disgust. DeWitt walked
over, recognized Dir. Greeley, and at
once gave words to his surprise. Ile
beckoned Uncle Sammy to the spot.
'Mr. Dimmick,' he said, 'I want to
introduce yon to Hiraoe Greeley, the
editor of the New York Tribune.'
Uncle Sammy never recovered from
the mnrtifioation he feet over hie treat-
ment of the man he would have gone
100 mi'es to do honor to. Mr. Gree-
ley took the matter good naturedly and
spent several days with the Whig ad-
mirer.
MAN'S AGE.
Few men die of age. Almost all die
of disappointment, passion, mentally or
bodily toil, or accidents. The passions
kill men sometimes. even snddenly.
The common expression, choked with
par -sine, has littlelexaggeration in it,for
even though not suddenly';iatlil, strong
passions shorten life. Strong -bodied
men often die young ; weak men live
longer than strong, for the strong use
their strength and the weak have noue
to use. 'I'he latter take cure of thorn•
selves, the former do not. As it is
with the body, so it is with the mind
and temper. The strong are apt to
break, or like the candle, to run. The
weak to burn out. The inferior ani-
mals, wbieh live, have generally tiler
prescribed number of years. The horse
lives twenty-five; the ox fifteen or
twenty ; the lion snout twenty; the
dog ten or twelve ; the rabbit eight ;
theNrtinea pig six or seven. These
numbers all bear a similar proportion
to the time the animal takes to grow
to its full size. Ent man, of all the
animals, is one that seldom lives this
average. He ought to live a hundred
years, according to the physical law,
for five times twenty are oue hundred ;
hut instead of that, he scarcely reaches
on an average four times his growing
period ; the cat six times ; the rabbit
even eight times the standard of mea-
surement. The reason is obivious—
man is not only the most intemperate,
but the moat Laborious and hard work-
ed of all the animals. He is also the
most irritable of all animals ; and there
is uo reason to believe, though we eau -
not tell what an animal secretly feels,
that, nose than any:other animal,man
cherishes wrath to keep it warm, and
consumes himself with the fire of his
own secret reflection.
WHAT BETTER EVIDENCE
coni( people ask to substantiate the
merits of Dr Pierco's' Family Medicines
than the fast that they have not only
yearly grown in popular favor in this
country, but the foreign demand for
them has became so great as to neves•
eitate the establishing a branch of the
celebrated World's Dispeusery in Lon-
don, Englaud, that these blessings to
the afeioted may be despatched from 1
the great eommerciai center of the 1p
world to every country and people ? t DASHWO®D
Golden Medical Discovery is t► ceeseu-
ttatod, potent, alterative, or blood
cleansing remedy, that W,ne gulden furnish hooses or iu neon of anything in hia bine
Tas experience of the manuf$lcturers
of the "Myrtle Navy" tobacco is a valu-
able lesson in political eoeuomy. Pre.
virus to their onminenoing that brand,
the tobacno masse of the finest `,Vir_inia
leaf. was always held at fancy prices,
and put in some fancy Ryle euf inenu-
facture. It was thought that only the
rich would buy soli tobacco, and at
the old prices none but the rich could
buy it, The makers of the "Myrtly
Navy" resolved to strip the manufac-
ture of the tobacco of all its fancy coets
and put their profit at so low 'a rate
that no competitor could possibly un-
dersell thern with the same quality of
article. From the very first, until
uow, their rate of profit has been a
uniform percentage upon the soot. It
is their enormous sales which make
their low rate of profit a satisfactory
one in 'the aggregate, and also gives
them their firm Bold unou the market.
Their success is an excellent lesson for
mauafacttu-ers to study over.
The most pleasant, rapid, rel;able
and effectual remedy yet discovered
for diarnccna, dysentery, cholera mor -
hue, cholera icttit,to10, and all summer
complaints,. is Dr. Fowler's :.,xtrdat of
Wild Strawberry. It is unsurpassed
as a reliable specific in toe above dis-
enser, is well known nes a great remit!
in( agent, and is more highly valued
the tenger it is known. 'Travellers and
tanl•ists sbonld carry a supply in their
haversack. For sale by all Healers in
klediciues.
GE1telAid SYRUP."
No other medicine the world was eyer
given snob a test of its curative qualities as
Bosenita's GERMAN SYRUP. In three years two
millions four hundred til msancl small bottles
of this medicine were distributed free of charge
by druggists in this country to those :acted
with Consumption, Asthma, Oroup, severe
Coughs, Pneuurnouia, and other diseases of
the throat and lungs, giving the American
people undeniable proof that GERMAN SYRUP
will cure them. The result has been that
druggists in every town and village in the Ca-
ntinas and United estates are recorurnending it
.o their cnstomers,. Go to your druggist and
ask what they know about it. Sample bottles,
10 cents. Itegalar sive, 75 cents. 'Threj doses
will relieve any case.
GREAT BAgGAINS IN
MILLINER,Y
AT
MISS GARLICK'S
The remaining stools of Summer Hats and
Trimming., Feathers, Flowers and Ornaments
will be sold at greatly reduced prices
Fancy GOOds.
Honiton eind Point Braids, Berlin and Fleecy
Wools, Ottom•,ns and slippers, BaokCombs and
Braid Pins, Cardboard, Mottoes, etc., etc, 'These
Goods must be cleared out, and will be sold cheap-
er than they c ' n be got anywhere else in town
J.GARLIOK.
MAIN STREET, - - - EXETER.
aim.11' 1"07,1 T Fuge .d Lib.
Send for circulars explaining our
New System of canvassing'
• Agents have wonderful success. 100 8traseara-
NUS TO 1,000 1N11ABITAY4T8, . Ot1Y pnbiicatione are
standard, Address,
The Henry Hill Pub. Co.,
41 43 and 45 Shetuoket et, Norwich, Conn
PUBLIC SUPPLIED
sheerer than over.
FURNITURE. WAREROOMS
WM. W. BALL wouldi-ttimate to those about to
opinions of those • vrhe use it for All ! ttt l;o has ,.died lar�gge�ly to hie faotttitiee for
pturning out Fust-claee Work. Sa9h, 1)ools and
humors from t he ommmon intnrle, 1- tA, MAWS
on hand. All Ordc; s u Specialty.
tlo.c1i, �rtlrnl'tion, to the forMidable I)WHL7ietec,V4irete,7es6 ifr
At 12' 1'881
Orzarts and Philos
k.
The Largest and Most Complete Factory in, the Dotni.tl(iulm,.
140x100 feet.
Highest Honors ewer awarded to any Maker in the World.
MEDAI, A.\i) DIPLOMA AT CEti''TI,N7NLAT,, 19713.
Do do SY.i1Nh,Y, AUSTRALIA, 7877
GOLD MEDAL AT PROVINCTAT, IIXEIII3I'1'i0N, TORONTO, 1'4713.
BI1UIIPST AWARD' AT 1N.1)IIST1.IIAL I XIIII3ITION, TORONTO, 1570.
r'
'CVe are now manufacturing Square and Uprighil Pianola,.
Best in the marker.. Correspondence solicited. Send for .11--
ustratedl. Catalogue. Mailed free', Address
D mira:i®, Organ, an,a. ,.Pialso Company,
pany,
BOWI,IANVILLE, ONTARIO.
Auction Sale of New Furnit j . re
UNDERTAKING as
hours, clay or night.
Parlor, bedroom and dining "corn furniture supplied 20 pox cont. lower than any other house in
the trade.
A full assortment to be offered for sale by Public
Auction at
J, DREW'S FURNITURE WAREROOMS,
Opposite Central Hotel, Exeter,
EVERY WEDNESll .Y TILL, 5TOCT I5 SOLD.
TERMS : $10 and under, cash ; over that amount,
4 mouths' credit on approved paler, Private sales
at cost will be made between Auction sales,
usual at lowest rates. Orders in this departmet.t received at al:
,TWIN DREW.
.letr
N
-TA
1,
:1
ai
ONE OF THE OLDEST AND MOST RELIABLE
• REMEDIES IN THE WORLD FOR
THE CURE OF
Coughs, Colds, Hoarseness, Sore
Throat, Bronchitis, influenza,
Croup, Whooping Cough,c
Asthma, and every
affection of the
Throat, Lungs, and. Chet,
including,
CONSUMPTION.,
A WELL-KNOWN PIHYSICIAN WRITES:.
" It does not dry up a cough, and leave the cause
behind, as is the case svith most preparations,
but loosens it, cleanses the lungs and ealaysirri-
tation, thus removing the cause of complaint."
DO NOT BE DECEIVED by articles
bearing a similar name. Be sure you get 1)11.
WISTAR'S BALSAM OF WILD CHERRY,
with the signature of "I. BUTTS" on the'
wrapper. 50 Cents andr,�$1..00 a Bottle. Pre-
pared by Sara W. 1owLu & Sons, Boston,
Mase. Sold by druggists and dealers generally.
A Protected Bolntian of the Protonlde of Iron,
Is as easily digested and assimilated with the
blood as the simplest food. When the blood
does not contain the usual quantity of Iron, the
deficiency can 'be supplied by the use of the
PERUVIAN SYRUP? It cures a "thousand
ills" simply by TONING 'UP, INVIOOIIAT1NG, and
VITALIZING the system. The enriched anti
vitalized blood permeatos every part of the
body, repairing damages and waste, searching
out morbid secretlo'•4 ,:ping for
disease to feed ;mot,. inth is 1ne secret of the
wonderful success of this retnedy in curing
Dyspepsia, Liver Complaint, Boils,
Dropsy, Chronic Diarncca,
We forts Affections, Female
Complaints,
,Eaxd ell diseaeea originating 1n a had ntr:.ra c.f
the blood; or aeeoutpanted by debility; c,:• t. leer
state of the system.
tI,.131'1ON'.=-•13e sure you get the '•' '"-
) VMlNSYIIUP." Sold by(leen-4sta goer I.?,
ally. Pamphlets sent fres to any t,eirlrebr.
Huhu W. ]!'o0V1,t. &. Sons, Proprietors, 0b :71,r-+-
r1tWD, Avenue, Boston, Mese