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HomeMy WebLinkAboutExeter Advocate, 1906-04-05, Page 7LEGAL WIT AND HUMOR D STORIES Or FIN. IN TifilEA COURT ROOM. Comicality of a' Defence Tlas Often Prayed More, 'Effective Titan EloquenCe. -Theie eire' few people vibe daretvelt- tare on anything approaching the humorous In aur courts of justice. Such itiughter as, le indulged in there is. gen- orally calmed ,eithere by the person an .the, Bench, or ithe 'culprit in the (lack. They ara the onli,two \vim dare venture on the Comte, Geritlethen who have had :qeperience in appearing before Magis- trates, and judges are often aware that an absurdity that causes a laugh fre- quently means a substantial' reduction in the fine or period of imprisonment that awaits them; says London Answers. "I have served terms of seven years° and of three years' penal servitude," 'declared a prisoner at Liverpool assizes some ttinee back, "and do you, Inv Lord, and you,... gentlemen of the jury, think that with such a record 1 should , Condescend to steal a shirt?" ,— OFFENDED DIGNITY. - prtaertan suppetted tatt had a 4G2'.0 iineUR.C4 tc) wer "11 QM." "And :what,r y W3 fl3yeti ee ceataiao thut?" - "Beetalee lariuneheci it theere," eatti witness. quietly. _ COMMONS' POOREST NM9 TRADITIONS OF THE NAVY WELLS MG THEMSELVES LEADING MARKETS TULIllOtiBlitES. Olt AN A ItIAN-OhiVAIrS MAN TAI,Kli AU0.1.4. ' LABOR MAN. NAVAL NICattattallEit The question, demanded in tones of Ple most deeply injured dignity, sent the jury and- judge into uncontrollable laughter. . . ' "And look at It, gentlemen," he went on, pointing a scornful ilager at the garment which had been t produced in evidence —,„ "look at A, gentlemen i #tehee, kindly hold it up 1 Can you cre- dit that, if I did e stoop to steal a shirt, I .should steal such a shirt as, that ?" ; Circumstances were unfortunately too strong for the exceedingly particular gentleman, but the *sentence was a light one.' The prisoner, who indignantly repu alateS the offente with which he is charged as being a monstrous reflection on his good breeding ' and culture- is often most amusing. A tramp,' ac- cused al attemptingto break 'into a . Northampton booking -office, "brought down" the. court -by his expostulation. -"Would a anan of my educatiou and knowledge of the world have tried to conimit - the, offence ' in the way de- scribed by the officials?" he demanded, • In tones, quavering with injured ,prklet ',Absurd r PLAIN "MISTER" ONLY. As for unconscious humor on the part of ' witnesses and personscharged in the courts, their number is legion. Gen- -erally speaking, sheer nervoueness- is responsible for these slips, but they -serve the parpoee of patting the cou in a good humor, and mamy an until° prisoaer has a witness to thank for g ting, him Off lightly: One of th d verytiniest lads in the e ploy of the Liverpool Globe Express parceldelivery concern—yeas a witne recently in a police court His age. 'Cy exactly fourteen, and his head scarce reachea above the 'witness -box rail. "What is 'ytnir name?" queried the , Magistrate"; clerk. And the youngster replied with just a Ouch of icy -hauteuin • e "Mister Jonas Hicks." • 'The reply was so quaintly d.elivered by the diminutive child that the court was immedia.tely convulsed. -- •"And --what ia your occupa:tion?" smiled the clerk. . .•, "My what?" said Mie Hicks. "Your occuhation. What do you do for 4 living?" t • :"Ohl I'm a. nipper in the Glcibe Ex. press." A men charged - at Stratford with cruelly beating a donkey urged. in ex- -eta a plea which might have found 1 weak spotin the breast ef a teetotal -.magistrate. He declared that the de. pravitY of .the donkey was responsible tot the chaetisernent-it got. "It-druy' nat fair wild, your worship," he explained. .,"You- see, it's a new don acey as trve got, .an't-ft would stop at *very blessed pub we come to • . 'A burglhr discovered bya policeman )zi life residence of a sptnster lady e cre- ated considerable hilarity in court by his afersistence in the defence- -that ha was patty desperately in love with the lady •and, the tt had arranged to be married, anty his visits bad to be kept 'secret, as fi, protestations that there svaa dignant eir families objected most absurdly to o union. He persisted in this explanale- in most eoninly, apparently quite n oring the fact that, without the laaY s /tot a word of truth in if, his looks were o hideous that it was itapos-sible to be - eve. that anyone could have regarded - him as a prospeetive husband. SENTENCE atEltattIONg. Ile finite no weal ash() 11003 atleeteet The , WarieSt may 1/o ,the least wise. irlr.itler.nigaty,ha‘ to tiaistlto. vemx,11 t" iligitteonsttees JO 11O1POr better foa',, tale, ing,a rest. ' Thee. eau he no finality :to truth thee comee taraI1bk melt. ' "lhe eviedoru from abeve will be Imolan by its works belOwit , 'You cannot •nte.aeiire man's' riellite- ousness..by lals reticence. - The polished Christian o0111Qa from the mills of edversity. He wha lays out 'each day with pray- er leaves a with praise. The man who is too. good for anything E e, often" good for nothing. A successful candidacy for heaven is .raore than learning to Ipok like a corpse, The mon who always has the sins of others before hint puts his own -in his pecket. The vices at ear% beeorne dorninant when we are deaf' to the 'voices from heaven. Men often think they love the sinner ls,ecause they are too lazy to prosecute hint. There's a goad deal of difference be- tween esocial prominence; and personal eminence. - You are not likely to cheer the hearts cf others by looking down in the mouth youtrelf. It is easy to. mistake the outer le- straitits of society for the inner 'righte- ousness. ofthe souL Some men think that:a:pugnacious dis. position provides them with all the piety they need. It's hard to steer a straight ' course when you keep your conscience in your pants, pocket. The best banks are in heaven; bet the receiving tellers are likely to, be in some 'Lack alleys here. Many a .preacher thinks that because he can express himself with ease h ought to be deadheaded through life.. Every -time that life seems wintry tat it as evidence that the Gardener mea you for more than a summer squash. BACK TO OLD ,LIFE. A BintisbI%J. P. on Le se Than Tway - Dollars a Week—State Shaalka, Pay. Pity, the pecuniary fiorrowr4 of the Lahoe membee 1. There is even one whit. thetuther thy confided to- A ,TiOre.:,,Qiita- olinvoi;of a theriaLitortyldofinftyDttoitliyilliEntres wteltcaltz paved hiin from, the . workhouse. This was Mr: John 'Ward, the heron lean, geuial, and altogether 'delianatful member • for Stoke-on-Trent, who seetires the patience -Of tX2 10e. 4 weekis -score- tary of the 'Navvies' Union. There was open 'to him wealth be yond the dreams of avarice in the shape of £200 a year allowed to members re. cognized by the Labor Representation Committee. But Mr. Ward did not eh together see eyeto. eye with this com- raittee in all its ideas, and se he .denied himself theaffluence of £200 a year. "1 am the poorest man in the House,' he said yesterday. "I have a wife and four children, and with my brother, wile as a navvy, have to support my mother. Aud beyond the fifty shillings a week that I draw from the union 1 have no- thing to fall back on.- ' NO TERRACE TEA FOR HIM. "Yes. If you like to put it so, this ta really an injustice. It la linpossible without great hardship fat a man to be a int:hither of Parliament on this allow' ance, and maintain his .posation, "I am not going to give yon the de- tails of my expenditure. Numerous eeonle have asked me how much I spend a week on food, and hoW much a -sveek goes on tram fares AO and from my home in Wandsworth, But, these thrill- ing details I am going to give to the House of Commons iirsthand myself. "Very soon there will conie up for dis- cussion the question of the paymeat members, and about that I think I am 0443 Starementea and C.115i0M3 INtia ate in lite o# : 'Wood, eri Walls. In no hitliere of life ere treat itene end etPl'f)149 1114c; Ve216$=1115:y Okey-V(kid th_SI1 1/1111.0 Ittritielt.Navy„, aro thin nay Tntat% itas ttilietlitttatheacqUenev)pneYrio°4v ITteitgthrg fora. ironclads were- sertouety- thought about, IS ettrictly adhered to witiatan ,a gaestion as tot he eaantattility,, tie the Modern regulations enforced In our "first line of defence." '.0 :jt Navy L9 nothing if not conservative; at least, so long as conservatism does not inter- fere with efficiency. It is, however, of a progressive sort, if A may be so ex- pressed. Whoeva, saw an officer of any m er, for that matiee, a sailor—with a mOustache onla? Ile either has a beard and moustache, or 'is clean-shaven. This is one of the customs that so dis- tinguishes the 6British Tar from his brother$ of the other navies of the world. Then, again, how curious -at is that an officeesnonwthoernteinn "mufti," is almog nine tim A.TTIRED IN A BLUE SUIT, There are a hundred and one other practices governed, more or less; by tradition, -The nicknames given to the Welders of various posts aboard ship also reflect in a most striking manner She honest good humor of. the "handy- nea,n." To such an extent bas the custom grown- that the,Admiralty recently found it necessary to issue- an order tto°ntip- tains, instructing them to discourage the practice of nicknaming every possi- ble and impossible man or article. The captain, whether it be of a henna ship or torpedo-boat, is always spoken of as "Skipper," while the first ;lieuten- ant is "Number One." The paymaster, whose position Is synonymous with cashier in commercial life, is appropriately known as "Gold - Dust," and the doctor. who, of course, holds a ' very important position on evetat ship, is facetiously described as .wrThlaieBbuoteattisesrv." ain, with his whistle, .im- mortalized by verse and song fromthe earliest days, is held in tender sentimen- tal estimation by every longshoreman, andtthat he should be familiarly known as "Pipes" amongahia comrades semis In the more qualified -then any one to- speak, (e• I shall be able to tell the liouste frone nt my own personal experience what a struggle it is for a man to keep up ap- pearances in the House of Commons on £2 10s. a week. "There are what are • called •'the is amenities of the Hose' Tea on the terrace? aro, I am afraid that is not in- cluded. There will be no tea on the ter - d race for me on fifty' shillings aeineek." kP STA'rE SHOULD 'A? d • d It was here suggested to Mr, Ward g that the ultimate goal of ,Socialism—up to thetenets of whieh Mr. Ward sub- scribes—is a fixed minimum 'wage for 'everybody. ' •At this thc merhber for Stoke-on-Trent laughedhe "That isan old-fashioned idea," . he, said. "What we maintain is 'that eve* man should mat what he is 'Worth, and I am worth more to the pation as a mem- ber of Parliament than I shank/. 'be if I tl were, say, loading, wagons.. , e"Moreover, I can see no reasonewhy Y in my present capacity I should be be- e holden , to any particular body for my - maintenance. I am doing the work of - the State to the best- of my ability, and $ .it is • by the State I maintain I should o be paid." - e - o JOHN 13URN'S SALARY. 'a There was a scene in the fichnse recent - s iy twlien Mr. Claude Hay `Was howled down for referring to Mr. John Burn's salary,- - n ' He asked MiBurnsto salt what was c to become tif the 34,000° unemployed in e the London, 'area. who could not get " vvork under the Unemployed Cormaiittee, ' and brought into his speeoh- a statement (printed originally - in the "Express") to e ;the effect that Mr. Joan Burns accepted • the salary of 42,000 a year, although he ; had previously said no man ought to '• have more than £500 a, yea)). . " " Withdraw I" shouted the Liberal . ranks,. "Withdhawl" -echoed the Irish, MLr Hay started to speak, but volleys of "Withdrawn"' mingled with. hisses, drowned his WOrkiS, and. for eome min- ute,s there was an uproche ., Mr. John Burnsaint his repay, showed how he earns his £2,000 a year. "BetWeeti midnight and four a.m. I have , been down. under the Waterloo emit", and at the 'Mediated Hall, and at other places Where. the poor eongregate, seeing how their lot might he ameliate ated and their numbers reducede "I daresay I.. made the remark some tinie , age that certain in were not worthmare than X500 e year. I must have had the hon. member in mind," said It4r. 13urns, and Mr. Claude Hay joined' in the general laughter. ' • Australian -Natives Never Retain Debi of the Whites. In Westerrt New South 'Wales an Western Queensland, Australia, blac 0boriginal stockmen are comnton Many of the landholders have intereste them selves in the 'training of the Yotm „ aborigines, teaching many of them to Taead and write, and ,bringing them up 1,;',1 *side by side with the White children'. The result has not been very encouraging. ee Says a writer: --"I have known several urt instanaes. where aborigleal babies ,of "ante both sexes were taken completely away from their people and brought up' in a as white family. They are taught various ly ' ' THE BEST OF MOTIVES: ' "What would • any arie of you have dem?, gentlemen," demanded another, prieoner, accused Of burglary, "if you had been irx my place?" • fie had, he' explained, been walking down a ',retired street in a London sm. barb, vety. late on night, when 'be mad- , dozily in an alarming 'escape of gas. His /thee led Win to a certain hotate. The gas was certainly coming throughthe frantedoor "I raised my hand to knock, andt theft reflected," he explained. "It was bite tett cold night, and the people. inside were no, doubt warm in bed, and pro- bably snatching their needed rest for the next day's labors.' hesitated- to -arouse Ulmer So he slipped back the rtatch"of wina dow with a-- knife and entered—to see to the gas. In the kitchen he found an apple:tart on the table, whiclihtie ate, with su(h alarming results that he was.' Obliged to look for brandy. Iles found' a -bottle of hisky in.stead, and 'that was hownie was discovered 71:111)in an arme chair in the morning 17 the savants. The tart was so bad, he deelared, that it hat' deprived hint of ell phwer of ex., , planation ' till that' moment 'in the *dock. That as why lie had not put mattere right before the In gietrate. Ile ate no more arts for seve year;. e you eonvin ed Opt the mn an i theft 19 the patine vhoin thoo e pre- eution Alleges hittn to I e?" tented a d mei e- ientitourieel ot taner te; ecently. U "I ant," Wthe , deliveted with * beotal grin, "And what Make. you oo certain?" "Beealest hie noee 19 fine...Ivied," was the unexpected raply. *And are ,you sure iltat Una man the accohmllshments, and spoke Englie just as, well as the sahite youngsters.I3u invariably, on' the first opportunity, the relapsed into barbarism and soon th only 'trace of their upbringirig that re mained to them was their faultless Eng lish. One native girl whom I knew wa Rept in, a refined white horirettuntil sh was 18; then, getang word of a natty amp a few miles away, she stole -off it and when fond she WAS sitting in 'thiamin.' (native huln. with her clothe all discarded and a possum rug wrappe round her. ' • "Undoubtedly thg -best black stockma that I ever knew fell, away in -the sam fushion. 1 -Te had been brought "up from a baby in a white family. and was note fot his scrupulous .eleanliness and dan ciyish care for his clothes. On horseback he Ceuta hold his own easily .with th lest men on the station. "Ileft the station just then, and re turning thhe.ehyears later, I pulled up it an- old to question the` °coo 'lents about the route. Beginning in the usual pigeon English, I was amazed when the half naked, dirty and unkempt native who was sitting in the ashes te Plied in firsttclass English, „Ks 1)0 voice "seemed familiar I looked ,an him more closely. 'Why, surely you're n.ot Jima ry .frorn Yaloo?' The same man, boas,' tin coolly replied. 'Scor'f° after you left I married a girl of iny own color and tee* to the old life.' And he kept to it." ONE DI3OP OF WATER. In a single drop of unfiltered water ratty be -eeen in miniature ttie tragAdY that' gobs on perpetually ip the world at tlerge, for in the little drop -there is a ,whole universe of life, with all its ter - riffle and death -dealing competition, with all its tnyatery and , It was a Freneh biologist who invented the me- thod by svhich tbis wonderful state of things is 'demonstrated. He called the method the "hatcging-drop tine a 's beautifully simple. A drop of wathr from the edge of 811 Ordinary pond is palmed in a hollowed 'out speed, on a srnall strip of glass and sealed with a ha of thinner glass. And nowt day after day and Weide aftee night the hide °as business going cat in that one drop of perfectly elear, and apparently pure, w- 101' may be watt:heti anrstudied Itt the leisure of the observer. The drop rf water le a world in itself.. Multitudes of animals swim about in A wilh plenty of room, xho giant worms, with tremend- cus seVishing lane. of whose approaeli rne is mule aware 17 the eentesien ant r °Ale of the entailer ereatures scurrying out of the way he fear of their, lives, and coantless bacteria inhabit that drop tie lbeir permanent and proper home and' their ranging place. a • ....... DID NOT IttEDDLE, "I have made: it a rule throttint he, said at the lunch -table the other day to the man on his left, "never to meddle with another man's; business." "That's riglittaperfectly right," was the reply.• u nlit t see imu itave a new junior clerk," weld; on the first speaker. • "Yes, sir -yes." "Hen a bad ease. I've eaten •hftr tWtli had coropaniOne, and I'm afraid hit; fate- enta have not taken the requiente amatint of trouble in training him, .1 wouldn't htuat him put of my sight with a three- petiny bit. Took hint oat' oi charity, "Well, not altogether, you know. Ile happen' to be My eldest Son " • A NEW EXCUSE. There wea„.a..ratin in Atlanta who opee suspected a negro in his employ of tampering with that contents of his wine - collar, especially with a certain hranct of fine whisky.. -The employerdecided to adopt measures. to verify' his suspi- cions. Ile allowed the demijohn hold- ing his "private stpck" to become emp- ty; then, instead of refining it, he placed his pet brand ,in bottleshlebelling euch onoen'o'Peovisienoninh'g, on. r eturning 1107111' unex- pectedly, he caught his servant "in tlagrante delieto." Seizing the bottle from the, darky's hand, the Atlanta man exclaimed; he a tdine of terror:- 4:Street Heavens, Sam! 'Do you know what yott have been doihg? This bottle IS114inlerrelecig:'Po()ItsoTft bottle, ti'int' sur- Yeyed- it 'closely. a,Thest he sniffed at H. A melancholy smile flitted over hie (11‘li'54'rkaYinticjtiliftlitzeenna,tisc;:ii," lie' said!, dajeCted• iy, "Pee been fooled a ('171."" "Fooled a nein?" repeated the Mester, indignantly. "What do you.rneana" continuter the daily, in theesame tone of depression, it am dia way. I knohved from de fust, from teay you .acted 'bout dal demijohn, dat you had yo' saspislatne of me; an' dat made me feel pretty blue.I, get dis: tit'; .51:1, an' didn't tare. Why,, eala fu' mos' two weeke riow l'se been tryin" to eornmit atticide outer (1at tbettle." Iii his Marty daya itfraltistin McCarthy, .who le seventy --live yea lth old,had a goat ambit ton to hecoutie a barrister. . The first dory he ever wrote was cos, ke t red rOUnd here natned Pannell, t NATIlt L BEEN MADE TO, Ataiti TIPW, ENWNEEIL eseil 'atural Cats Rena the tiPilasItinarY 11-oriteiftheiirete Eamineen- . ilia Feats', • PROPER ORDER OF THING,S. His immediate assistant, the boatswain's • mate, who, as a rule with: his next-of- kin, • as it were, the chief boatswain s mate, come in for more kicks' than ha' - .pence, are • known .respectively as "Buffer" and "Chief )3uffer." • "Blue Lights"—the name given to gun- ners—forms part of the kit of every men attached to this part of the Servide. "Chippy" is the. Carpenter, and the sail- "Abi men eSvtikn sii . g. by day, that is;those whO are not actually sailors in the gen- eral meaning 61 the wOrde and are not told off to do watch duties, such- as ar- tisans, carpenters, • plumbers, and arinoreas, are called "Daymen." For- • merly th.ey were known as "Idlers." A Signalman iS always addressed. asr •"Buntingat while it is sufficient 'when seeking the cooper to ask for "Jimmy Bungs." Stokers go by the appropriate name of "Clinker Knotters," or "Dust- men," -and the ship's steward is celled "Pusser," while the ship's steward's bpy enjoys the nickname of "Jack in the Biscuit Dust." • The MESS is spoken of AT the "cottage" or "house." t . 'Youths recruited from the numberless sinalteleSeaports round tfie coast .bte the training -ships are sarcastically known as "Riggers," or."Boatswains," for at though as a rule good &Atop, having been fisherman or trawlers, they know nothing of the routine of his Majesty's Navy. • • t Members of the famous. cqrps 'al Roy - 'al' • Marines, a detachment 7 of which serves oft every ship, areticrrown as "Leather Necks," or "Bullocks." • A drummer -boy is .called "Sticks," and Officers' servants "Flunkeys." ' Another curious fact is that,. no mat- ter to wild" ship they may belong, men having such names -as Clarke are al- ways called "Nobby," Bennett "Wiggy,' Walker 2 "'Hooky," Martin "Pincher," and so on through a long list.—Lotalon answers. .serer...4 • FORCIBLE ARGUMENT. The little man was expounding to his audience the benefits of physical cul - "Three yearago," he said, "17 was a miserable wreck. Now, what, do you suppoSe brought about this great change in me?" •t - "What change?" said a voice from the, audience. There was a. suc,cession atf loud smiles, and some persons thought to see him collapse.. •• But the little man was not. to be put out. "Will the gentleman who asked, 'What change?' „kindly step up here?" he asked, suavely. "1 shall then be bete ter able to explain. That's right!" Then, -grabbing the witty gentleman by. the neck "Waen L, first took up .physieal culture I could not even Int a Mlle Man; now (suiting the action to the word)! can throw one about like a'bun- dle of rags." - • et, And, finally, he flung the interrupter half -a -dozen yards lalong the -floor. "I trust, gentleman, that you will et 11 the force of my argument, and that I have not hurt this gentleman's feelings by rey explanation." There were no more interruptions. "IIE WAS A trAm." Four yeartold Daisy dame running Crying breathlessly:— "Papa, I taw a snake as I came down the'laner "Did you?" asked her father. • "Did 1 Italie a tail?" "Nor Said Daisy, "Ite was a tail."' 11 cont0innell happene Jitat a 'loot epaht downfall le due to Ine havin steastaatalay lost his halal -lea. Tise deepest itele, &tea . MS14..116.9 ye 41'illea La 1110 rd the C7111 11 713 tee,?1) etteee -liattilelfhat18It.:asitaata feihteeee Itte lataneaotinte, tam thella went °been .nearlya 1311113 (8(1 a hos, and they c14,1re etiil boring. Not come5. t.ho ertet Ian, veli f, Schledetaeln and.tinid is au' oilwell at Pittsituret, Pennsylvania, whieh . is. 5,,,52 feet, or 4ust ovee a 'mile deep. - - •' . • -.. At .depth of about three thousand feet in tae Pittsburg well a pocket ef netural gas .teae tapped at. greatapres. 'sure. Instead of letting it run to wade, the gas waa employed, and for the Iva of the- distance the well practically dug itself.. . 0 Nature alsotook a- hand in that .big gest' of all Modern tfeats of epaineerim —namely, the construction of the Simp Ion Tunnel, wbich le ia hole bore( through solid rock , for a distance fourteen mites, .Most readers are .awar that the difficulties whiett confronted th engineer dh of this reeorderattinnel wer -Unprecedented. Springs01. ftliftailasTLIFFS. reee Aptei Efoor-annteitangea. htd, ia:anth aelted fur sititaiso hatatitts iL711 is iC1' cxbort, Manuel* .natet tetteitha ati.ats to 14.W. SeeAjill 43,50 te Sat, . ta'hael—f-Setaree SI ?,CJbid 41.. 5116:ir,;, --ftionitokt--No, 1 northern, C >3'oetted, Pettit b'dward, May etaptiielitt nertitenat Sate askt.d, Knit Ed- ward, 1%10'..y nhipme'tit, ' ve differed ut oz.114 COUNTRY PRODucs. iniluteast,e:tettletiTylei.e. aniend for ehoiee oerts Cr,eta)eti5e)rhyd5 t • 2230a ..tota 2e4tgo bairy Th. rolls, gocd to -choice. 18c to 19a do large wits ............. 17o to 180 do' medium . . .... 16e to 17e Cheese -14e for large, and 14a40 for twine. Eggs --.15%e to 16e for new laid and 13c for ,storage. Poultry—Turkeys, „lee• to 16c; fat chickens, 11e to 12e; thin, 70 to. 8n; fat 1 • hens, 80 to 9c, thin, 6c to le; duck, 12a to 13e, tagn, 60 to 7c; geese, 10e10 lle e for choice small tote, Potatoes—Ontario, 65e to 75e per bag cam' track here, 75e to 850 out of store; eastern, 70e to 80e on track and 80c to 00c out of store. ' Baled Hay—$8 per ton for No. 1 Um- . othy and 85.50 to 86 for No, 2, car Iota, t on track here. e Baled Straw—$5.50 to 86 per tort for car lots on track here. ABSOLUTELY BOILING WATER were met with in the -heart of the moun fain, and on the Hallett side the hea became so terrific that is was impossibl for the men to work. Harnessing this tremendous flow, they • made it drive blowers, for forcing fresh, cool aft' into the tunnel. Not enter this, but the siie- pjus° water was used for working pneu- matic drills, and so the mountain was made to provide for piercing iLself. The Dutch, steady -going and stolid' as they are, have performed' many Won- derful engineering feats, especially- the way' of reclaiming landefrom the sea. -They have actually learnt to make their age -long enernY, the ocean, help in the work of regaining lost territory frorreits hungry maw. This is how they manage: Supposing a bay is to be emptied of water and its surface raised till it be - conies dry, a dam is first flung across its mouth. But the dam • is not built piecemeal. The warkere' prepare the whole foundation'first, and, then gradu- ally raise the • dam upon it, keeping its height uniform along itsentire length. The result is that the tide, 'passittg oyer, deposits sand on the inner or land Side el the dam, while at the same time all the deposits of mud from land waters are caught. As the dam slowly rises "so does the land within the intereepted area,and after a few years shows above the .sure face' Of the water. As soon ,as this hap- pens . .a • THE DAM IS COMPLETED and made siring' enough to resent any storm, however heavy. Surplus water is tben pumped aWay, 'and the reclaimed area ditched add made ready for culti- a anon. - It is in this fashion that, the Dutch hope to regain the whole of that great ttact of country stolen by the ocean in the terrible storm of December 1411i, 1287, and now knowat as the Zulder Zee. Wind as well as Water is foreed into their service, for. the draining pumps are all driven by wind -mills. That brilliant American -engineer, Eels -was another who forced the powers f Nature into las service and niade them perform a task which had up till then tallied human skill. The monstrous Mississimilacarries down more sin than eay other river in the world, with the result -that while the largest, vessels can sail hundreds ef miles 4pland when once ta its broad bosom, the Mouths, .of which. there aremany, eare constantly silting up. Dredging and all sorts of expedients were tried in vain. •• Eels solved the problem by running out two greet walls, .one from either bank, near the mouth of the principal channel. These walls did -net eat across the current at right angles,' but sloped seawards in -the shape of in -capital V. a• THEY Dm NOT QUITE MEET. A narrow outlet was left, at the point of the V, and the strong 'current, concentrat led M this rieroar space, was found to scour the bed of the. river and keep a deep channel always open. M. Peter Landes claims .to have vented a boat which will go up the swiftest rivers by no ethers means than the application of the resistance' alai force of tbe current itself. nmpoesible as this may seem tit first sight, it has precedent, for a boat has been built which will sail dead into the eye of the Wind 'by the aid Of the wind itself. ThLe seeining paradox was • achieved by rigging a windtaill upon the mile veseel and using the power thus obtained to drive a screw. • . Herr Gehre is an ingenious German engineerawho has also achieved another of these curious triumphs over nature. Hc has invented a huoy which isauto- matically 1t by wave action, • Jt would take -too much space to CX- f4ain here the whole mechanism of the invention, but lite light is electrical in its nittnre and is produced salelye by the action of The waves. The greater the wind -power up to a eertain point the moee brilliant is the light, and thus the storm which would deeteay the sailor is made te warn hire ed the dangerous shoal. 1115 TROIIBLE. "What brought • you here, my poor' matt?" itequitet,d tbm prison visitor. "Well, lady," refilled ilia Prisoner, "I guess my trouble, started item attendin? thtI,nt.mhlanayamWeledadrinilleY to drink there, -or 5teefINI;;Perlailtilii;r29 ,1 was always tato feriae. grown." WHAT"NEXT? • "My deal'," said, MP; Nea elle, watch. ing hiS little boy playing (et bean hag in the street, "What is that out Vifl it; trintig,to tiatch out there?" - '"I'horat. huow, sur,' replied hie *lie, wearily; "he's already ha Ow tamps, kneaolus, And, whooping eo MONTREAL. MARKETS, Montreal, April 3.—Grain--The in- quiry for Manitoba wheat from foreign sources, to -day was limited and cable inquiries showed no improvement. Oats—No. 2, 3934c, No. 3,h8a.4c; No. 4, 37ge. - • _ Peas -76c fob. per bushel. Barley---Manttoba spring wheat pa; tents, $4.50 to $4.60; strong bakers', 84 to $4,10; winter *heat patents, $4,25 to 84.50; 'straight rollers, $4 to $4.10; do in bags, $1 7rto $t 85; extras,- $1.65 to $1.75. - • Millfeed—Manitoba arinne in .bags, $19 to $20; shorts, 820 to $21 per ton; On- tario bran, in bulk, '$18.50. to $19.50: - Omits, $20; milled mouille; $21: to $2,4; straight grain mouille, $25 to $27 per ton,. . Rolled Oats—Per bag $0 to $1,95.1a can lots, $2 to $1.05 in snAll.':16.1-W,' corn- meal, $1.30 to .$1.40 per gag. Hay—No. 1, *8 to 88.5Q; No. 2, 87 to $7.50; clover, mixed, $6' to' 86.50, and • pure clover, $6. Peas—Roiling,. in carloaChalets, $1.10 to $1.15 per bushel. Potatoes—Per bag of 80 lbs, 65e to 10e. Honey—White.'clover, in comb, 13e .to 14c per ta section ; extract, go. te 9-6; buckwheat, 6%c to 7c. t • Pro' isions—HeaVy Canadian short cut „ pork, $21.50; light short cut, 820; Amer- ' ican short cut. $20, Americ.an cut tieeer fat back. $20; compound lard, 70 to 7e, Canadian 'pure ..lard nano to flyee; kettle rendered, 12age to 12yne; hams; 1.3c to 14gc, according to size; break- fast bacon, 16e; Windsor bacon, 15c; fresh -killed abattoir dressed hogs, $9.75 to 819; country, dressed, $8.75 to $9.25; alive, $7.50 to $7.75 for selects. - Cheese—NO change in the local situa- tion, business being quiet -and prices stead,e. at 1371 to naaan. Butter—Unchanged; choipe creamery sellingtat 22c to 22N -c M wholesale lots, and about ' higher for single pack- ages; undergrades, 191/te to 21c; dairy butter unchanged. • . Eggs—About steady at 16ahc to 170, though some dealers were quoting as -high as 17ahe again this morning. The • demand continues fairly active. No hew features of interest. • • e 41.••••••••••,, BUFFALO MARKET. ,- -Buffalo, April Flour —Steady. Wheat --Spring dull; .No. '1 eNorthern, . 83atat carloads; 'Winter, light inquiry., N;2 red, 820„ • CO111—FilITI: NO. 2 yel- low, 503fe; No.. 2 corn, 49%-c. Oats -- Steady; No. 2 while. a5Mc. Barley— • Firm; Western, in. store, 47 to 52c. Rye —Dull; No. 1, quate1•70c. NEW YORK WHEAT 'mAriKor. I r New York, April 3.,e-Wheate-eSpot easy; No. 2 red, 84%c elevator; No. 2 red, 87Ne nominal f.o.b. afloat; No. 1 Northern, Duluth, 87%c f.o.b., afloat. 1 • CATTLE MARKET. Toronto, April 3.-13y reason of the exeeeding good demand for butchers, the prthesof ,exporters' • did not fall off . greatly at the Western Market to -day as a • result of the caneelation of the selling of a cattle steamer. Prices of good balchers' held firm, while corn:: man to medium were easier. The light creliveries of sheep and lambs produced an increase of 10 to 20e. The maaket for hogswas steady and unchanged. Exporters were in quieter demand than usual. The prices were $4.40 to 85 per cwt, • Butchers' catt1e. of fair ' to good, quali- fies met with. a good Market, Best, butchers' heifers -sold at 84.75 to, 84.30, with. an odd sale at 85. Good butcheraa were worth -84,35 to 84.70; inediton, 84 to $L25; medium cows and mixed loads,. 83 'hi $1:50; heavy cows, 83.60 to 81.25 per, ewt.. Short-lckep feeders 'were in improved detnend. 'Prices were - firm at $4.25 to '4 7(1 'Fr -Mate,' 1,050 te 1,1'() itis, wore worth $3.S3 lo 81.20. r•Stock calvee sold, n,1 83 to 83.50 per ewt. Trade was active, in sheep and lambs. A limited number of Spring India eolti at 83.50, to 87.50, eaela Malin -fed tenths Were strong at 66.75 to 87,50; ettport - • ewes, 83.25 to 85,73 per ekvt, l'here wae a call foe calves. Quota- tions ranged from. 83,50 to 86.50per cwt. ' A aftSN'OME11. .itenettett'l think fiat the nioet rata' etilous thine to call that man in the bank a teller," Moe. johneon--"Why?" , Mai. 14 7)105 -"1b77at757) hc‘! dimply we,nl Id ll at all. 1, askod oni c41-d3y how Lane.lv lamband had on ilepo:it there, .anll 110 jul latiglied"