Times Advocate, 1984-09-26, Page 8Huron Centre speaker
details divorce mediation
They seemed like a perfect
couple. They were happily
married, financially stable
and the parents of three
young children.
However their 15 -year mar-
riage ended in divorce court.
Marital bliss became in emo-
tional war zone. The happy
family was divided and the
children became involved in
a painful situation that they
couldn't understand.
When couples separate and
divorce, their children often
stiffer the most. They become
innocent victims in their
parents' arguments and
custody battles.
Children who have watched
their parents' split up often
feel rejected and unloved,
torn apart and guilty. Some
feel that their parents are for-
cing them to choose between
mom and dad. Others feel
abandoned and frightened as
they watch the secure founda-
tion of their family crumble.
Dr. Howard Irving is work-
ing to change the system.
Through a new alternative
known as divorce mediation
he is making divorce less of,a
bombshell and more of a
peaceful compromise.
The prime objective in
divorce mediation is to create
an amiable agreement bet-
ween separated couples, one
that allows them to act in the
best interests of their
children.
Pilot project
"A large percentage of
children out there are suffer-
ing because they become
TO MARRY - Mr. and Mrs. William Parsons, Exeter
are pleased to announce the forthcoming marriage of
their daughter Barbara Ann to David Wilfred Turner,
son of Mr. and Mrs. Murray Turner, RR 3 Ilderton. The
wedding will take place Saturday, October 6, 1984 at
4:00 p.m. at Exeter United Church. Open reception to
follow in Exeter.
WED 50 YEARS Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Erb celebrated
their 50th wedding anniversary September 15. A fami-
ly dinner was held at the Bayview Restaurant followed
by a reception and dance at the Hensall Community
Centre. Guests were present from Ottawa, Toronto,
Tweed, London, Richmond Hill, Kitchener, Goderich,
Shakespeare and surrounding areo.
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pawns in their parents' bat-
tles," says Dr. Irving.
The University of Toronto
professor was the guest
speaker at the Huron Centre
for Children and Youth's an
nual meeting at Goderich last
week.
Divorce mediation is not a
new concept for the Clinton
based centre. For the past
year the Centre has been
working to develop such a
program.
A pilot project, the first of
its kind in this area, it at-
tempts to help separated,
divorced and divorcing
couples make mutual out-of-
court settlements for child
custody and access.
Dr. Irving calls the Huron
Centre project, "an in-
novative program."
Counsellors at the Centre
work with couples to develop
plans that will be in the best
interests of their children.
The mediators act in a par-
tisan manner, as advisers
for couples who want to con-
sider the best future of their
children.
Mediation involves in-
dividual and joint meetings
with counsellors and couples.
After as few as five sessions,
agreements are made and
lawyers finalize the
settlements.
Mediation promotes per-
sonalized agreements, that
reflect all aspects of the cou-
ple's and children's lives. It
encourages joint custody,
where both parents establish
equal, but flexible, respon-
sibilities, geared specifically
to meet the child's needs.
• No winners, no losers
Mediation has been called
the positive approach to
divorce. It deals with com-
promise and understanding,
unlike the court system where
winners 'and losers are
determined.
Dr. Irving explained that
divorce court puts couples at
opposite ends, "When one
party starts to fight, the other
will likely fight back." .,
Divorce, he noted, "Is not
like Monopoly. There is life
after separation and divorce.
No one can win in an adver-
sary situation. They get back
through the kids."
The mediation alternative
stresses that co-operation bet-
ween parents can exist after
divorce. The process asks
parents to think primarily of
their children. It takes the
responsibility from the
lawyer's hands and puts it
hack to the family.
"The family are the ones
who have to live with the con-
sequences of the decision and
mediation lets them make the
decision," Dr. Irving said.
Ile added, "We try to get
the smoke out of the situation.
We're not interested in - she's
this and he's that we're not
interested in marital
behaviour We only want
them to be good parents."
Mediaton stresses that
divorcing couples and
children are still a family and
they should continue to work
together as a unit. Facts show
that 70 to 80 percent of the
couples who use mediation
reach satisfactory. durable
agreements.
Litigation junkies
In contrast, couples who
battle in court often return to
court, time and time again.
Dr Irving calls them, "litiga-
tion junkies - they become ad-
dicted to the process. They
believe it must always be a
win -loss situation, not a
compromise."
Mediation doesn't exclude
lawyers. In fact. counsellors
advise couples to each have
legal representation.
Lawyers help finalize
agreements that are
developed thmugh mediation
Dr. Irving believes that
mediation counsellors and
lawyers should have a team
work approach to divorce
settlements
The ultimate goal of media
tion is family life after
divorce. Mediation doesn't
mean that couples have tf.
like each other. says Dr Irv-
ing. but it promotes that idea
that adults can put their
hostilities aside, for the sake
of the children.
"We're not advocating that
they have to go out for Sunday
brunch with the kids." he
noted
"In the final analysis it has
to he the children and the
parents who have to live with
the agreement." Dr Irving
said
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