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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron Expositor, 1995-12-20, Page 5Hey! I could be an actuary Recently I had the honor — the pleasure actually (alright, so there was money involved) — to speak to 400 actuaries from across Canada who had gath- ered in Ottawa for two days to plot your death. On a graph, of COMM. You see, actuaries, besides being straighter and neater than Jacques Parizeau's scotch, are in the business of predicting when we're all going to die and setting our life insurance premi- ums accordingly. (If you've ever been doubled up in public from a smoker's cough and a kind man stopped and offered you a kleenex, that would be an actuary admiring his handi- work.) Amazingly, they were able to predict my'death right to the minute ... the minute the man who introduced me said: "Would you welcome, please, Mr. William Thomas." No, actually they were a ter- rific group — much more fun than undertakers and dramati- cally better dressed. We had so much fun, even the chicken Kiev was chuckling. Before I attended their con- ference, I had no idea what an actuary was, so I consulted my personal research assistant, Debbie in Reference. "i think it's a place where they keep birds," she said. No, Debbie, I informed her, that's an aviary. Try again. "I think they stick needles in peo- ple to make them feel better," - she Said. "Debbie," I said, "are the government cuts taking their toll on you personally? A little defensively, she replied: "How would you like to have.two preposition -preoc- cupied parents, Mr. William Upon Thomas?" Never get into a granunar- slinging match with a librarian. So I asked an accountant about actuaries. He squinted through his -thick bifocals, stroked the skin on the top of his head, fiddled nervously with the lapel of his K -Mart Signature suit and said: "Actuaries ... actuaries ... well imagine a room full of accoun- tants like me, but without all the pizzazz." I said: "Like ultra, ultracon- servative?" He said: "Very, very deceased." So I was at a loss as to what • actuaries did for a living until I came across a front page story in the Toronto Star headlined: "Actuaries say Queen to rule 20 more years." As explained in the article, actuaries estimating life expectancy based on current age, lifestyle and heredity, pre- dicted the Queen would reign for another 20 years. The actuarial team of Watson Wyatt based their predictions on the facts that the Queen lives a pampered existence, has access to the finest medical care and has a mother who's 95 years old. That, and for the next two decades she's really looking for- ward to sticking it to the Prince of Wales. I quickly came to the conclu- sion that although actuaries are really smart and have amazing mathematical skills, this predic- tion game isn't all that difficult. You just get a grip on circum- stances today and in your mind, imagine the situation some years down the line. For instance, based on her unusually high diet of oatbran and prunes, I predict the Queen will spend at least four out of the next 20 years on the throne. And given the current rate of growth. by the year 2010, Dear Santa, How are the reindeer? I wish I could sec Rudolph! For Christmas could I please have a scary monster and a kitty cat. I will leave you cookies and . milk on Christmas eve. Michael Wolfe Kindcrgartcn St. James School Dear Santa, I would like a Barbie. I would also like a doll that I can do her hair. Katie MacGregor Kindergarten Si. James School Dear Santa, I love you. How arc you? Thank -you for the presents you gave. me last year. I ain very good at Christmas. I will leave you out milk, a banana and a muffin. I will leave the carrot for the reindeer. For Christmas I would like some little play spiders, a bike and pink lipstick. How arc you? How busy are you? Santa arc you very good? Okay Santa • gotta • go now. Bye -Bye. 1 love you. Kelly Coleman Early Years • Seaforth Public School Dear Santa, How do you drink so much milk in one night. 1 hope that the elves don't get cold. 1 hops: that Rudolph can fly. James Hagan St. James School Gr. 2 Dear Santa, Thank you for the nintendo gauze you gave me last year. Arc the elves staying inside? 1 would like a jumper, computer and a radio with a mike on it. is Mrs. Clus making cookies? • Andrea Finlayson St. James School Gr. 2 Dear Santa, Hit How is Rudolph and Mrs. Claus. I want a puppy for Christmas. A real ono too. I want it to be a black Lab. I want a stuffed Rudolph and a Nancy doll and a R necklace.1 also want some Christmas curings, a Christmas t -shits, and son Christmas stickers. I aloso want a couple surprises. P.S. If you can't get me a8 of this stuff, then please, piesae pier, get me a Dyck Lal► ptppy. Breanno Hulley Seaforth Public School Grade 111 • Letters � I Dear Santa, Thank you for my presents last year. I will leave some carrots for the reindeer. I will leave you a cheese slice and a glass of water. This year I want little sister Kelly with a walker, a coochie coo baby and a few candy canes. Merry Christmas. Michelle Powell Early Years Seaforth Public School Dear Santa, How our your reinbeer and Rudolph. Are you ready for Christmas. I will leave some cookies and milk. 1 would like snowmobile and a gt and a small puppy. don't forget my house. Mitchell Gurica Seaforth Public School Oracle 11-1 • William Thomas Prince Charles' ears will be so big he'll risk being trampled by a herd of elephants in heat. Given her current rate of hor- monal imbalance, by the year 1998, Princess Di will have three resident riding instructors and they won't know a damn thing about horses, either. By the year 2010, given her unusually slow process of aging, I predict Camilla Parker - Bowes will still look like Darryl Sittlet's twin brother Bob. And taking into account her keen sense of responsibility, by the year 2010 Lady Ferguson will still think keeping her crown jewels in unlocked lug- gage handled by guys making minimum wage is a pretty good idea. And finally, applying the cir- cumstances of the Windsors to our own political situation, I can safely predict that Canada will never sever constitutional ties with the royal family. No way, we simply have too much in common: we're both frigid, we're both spoiled and we're both a dysfunctional family obsessed with separation. See - it's not that difficult. Being an actuary is like being a tea reader and stirring the leaves with a digital calculation In fact, I predict, after read- ing this column, the actuaries are right now describing my appearance at their convention as a first and final event. TNI WWI 1XP081T011, Cs s.*or S0, 1000-1 Now Until New Year's (Jan 1, 1996) Enjoy a 2 L Bottle of Pop For Only $1.49 Selection: pepsi, diet pepsi, 7 Up & Schweppes at 23 Goderich St. E. 527-1200 _ Tucker's Meat Shop 27 Main St., Seaforth 587 turhn BARTLIFF'S BAKERY CLINTON Fresh HAYTER Tavistock Turkeys Medium 169 • lb(10.141b) Cheese $ While quantities last • litJ OPEN SUNDAY 1:00 to 4:00 p.m. •Party Platters • Gift Certificates • Gift Basknta Wishing you a very Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Give Holiday Magic. The Mickey Candlestick Bouquet by Teleflora Lovely'winter flowers accent an adorable ceramic keepsake figurine featuring the legendary Mickey Mouse. A votive candle sits atop the ceramic candlestick. or Christmas & New Year! CHEESE GIFT BASKETS AND CHEESE TRAYS PARTY TRAYS Christmas Specials r SAVE CA Soft Dinner Rolls Doz for 994 Cheese, Marble, Mozarella, Process or Colby $3.991b Bread (567 gr) White Sliced ,59V "Holiday Greetings from all of us at Tasty Nu" CAFE, SPECIAL BAGEL 8r CREAM CHEESE 1.49 % DELUXE\ CHRISTMAS CAKES! Iwxuled with /cult & baked to perfection!_ Tastyu Bakery & Cheese House 14 Main St. SEAFORTH 527-1803 e. Heinz Tomato Juice 1.36u 1.19 Festive Egg Nog 1Lt 99° Cloverleaf Sockeye Salmon 7.5 oz....V.99 U.S. Head Lettuce 79° 2 Ib. Fresh Carrots 49° 250 Clip & Save 250 E.D. Smith Assorted Phi FlIIIng 19 oz. with oou iro MF7473 2. 9 60¢ clip & Save 600 I$1.00 Clip & Save $1.00 Taster's Choice • Instant Coffee d• -cafe with cfa 1 or reg. 117489 5. 5013 'clip -Cave 500 CH ERIO'SCream Cheese 575 grwith coupon 1 (brick with MF7481$2.491 413,8 1. 9 1 SEAFORTH GROCERY 527-2044 Light Up the Holidays. Teleflora's Brass Hurricane Bouquet Brighten the season with lovely winter flowers and a stunning polished brass hurricane lamp. Call or Come In Today! !JIi1debraiid W4 lowers and kVrifts,� Main St. Seaforth 527-0555 Seaforth Recreation Department's WINTER LEISURE ACTIVITIES FURNITURE REFINISHING MONDAYS BEGINNING JANUARY 8, 1996 7:00 to 9:00 pm EACH NiGHT AT THE SEAFORTH HIGH SCHOOL FOR 10 WEEKS. FEE: $40.00 DESCRIPTION: Techniques of how to strip your old furniture and refinish it to look like new. FITNESS IS FUN MONDAY & THURSDAY MORNINGS 9:00 to 10:00 am BEGINNING JANUARY 8, 1996 AT THE SEAFORTH AND DiSiRICT COM- MUNiTY CENTRES FOR 10 WEEKS. FEE: Once per week- $35.00, Twice per wesk•$50.00 & Three times per woeku$65.00. DESCR!'flON: The morning classes will be gentle aerobics, while the Wednesday evenlng wthl be faster paced, SIGN LANGUAGE MONDAYS BEGINNING FEBRUARY 5, 1996 7:00 to 9:30 pm EACH NIGHT AT THE SEAFORTH HIGH SCHOOL FOR 10 WEEKS. REGISTRATION FEB: $65.00 DESCRIPTION: Learn all the basics that will enable you to sign. You w U receive handouts. Call early as the class is limited in number of paitidpants we can take. STEP TRAINING WEDNESDAY EVENINGS FROM 7:00 to 8:00 pm BEGINNING JANUARY 10, 1996 AT THE SEAFORTH AND DISTRICT COM - F FONI 0 CENTRES ORWEEKS. FEE. $35.00 DESCRiPT10N: This more demanding type of fitness program gins you an excellent worked. Steps are pro- • video. RECREATION VOLLEYBALL WEDNESDAY EVENINGS BEGINNING JANUARY 10, 1996 FROM 8:00 to 10:00 pm AT T1' SEAFORTH AND DISTINCT HiGH SCHOOL FOR 10 WEEK& FEE: $30.00 DESCRI>im0N: This b a noncompetitive recreational program for those who enjoy Volleyball and would Mee a night out. PLEASE PRE -REGISTER FOR AIL THE ABOVE PROGRAMS BY CALLING THE RECREATION OFFI O AT 827.0183. MINIUM. AND MAXIMUM NUMBERS ARE IN EFFECT FOR ALL PROGRAMS. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW CAN TEACH GYMNASTICS TO CHILDREN, PLEASE CONTACT THE RECREATION OFFICE AT 527.0882. IF THERE iS A PROGRAM THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE OFFERED AND AN INTEREST IS SHOWN, PLEASE CALL AND LET 'THE RECREATION DEPARTMENT ORGANIZE IT FOR YOU.