Loading...
HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron Expositor, 1995-12-13, Page 5• • Prime Minister nearly At 2:23 a.m., Sunday, Nov. 5; 1995, an intruder scaled the stone wall surrounding the offi- cial residence of our Prime Minister and his wife, "Jean the Loon" and "Aline the Allpowerful" Chretien. Surveillance cameras on the wall failed to stop our would-be assassin because he somehow did not catch bis jacket or pant leg on one of them. This is the only way in which cameras pointing the wrong way and out of focus for years can stop an intruder. The non-operating cameras did not seriously compromise security because the Sussex Drive RCMP officers were either not there to monitor thein, asleep at the TV sets or off -deer -hunting. We're still not sure since reports are still being re -written and more ass is being kicked and covered than a herd of mules in a hide -tanning barn. The unidentified intruder approached the residence and in order to gain entry, he threw a rock at a ground level window. The roc bounced off the window. Okay, so the prime suspect at this point has to be Dwayne Ward, closing pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays. By taking a bigger wind-up and grunting, the intruder does break the wind... sorry, the win- dow on a second try and by flipping a door lock he enters the mansion. Nobody knows if he wiped 'his feet or not. My guess is he did. He's already shown a great deal of politeness and respect by not cluttering up the place with a getaway car, not waking anybody up, especially the guards, and by bringing, as his weapon of choice, a jackknife. The jackknife is a particular- ly nasty weapon in the sense that when you stab something, the blade buckles back, opening William Thomas a gash in your hand that almost always requires stitches. Killing may not have been foremost in this man's mind because the first thing he did was wave at the security camera inside the house. The $ 10,000 first prize on America's Funniest Home Video may have been the main thing on his mind. At this point, the Chretiens are awakened by the intruder and you have to admire a man, who in a situation such as this, has the presence of mind to say: "Honey, you go out there — this could be dangerous." No, he did not say that. When his wife came back and told him there was a lunatic THE HURON EXPOSITOR, December 13, 111115-5 s1apsticked to death outside in the hallway, the prime minister said: "Ah, that's just Parizeau, the hothead. Fix him a double Scotch and get rid of him." Meanwhile Mrs. Chretien (and yes, we may have elected the wrong spouse in this mar- riage) cooly slammed the door in the intruder's face, locked the bedroom and called 911. Yes, behind every successful man is a woman, in a house- coat, slamming doors. The 911 call set off the secret RCMP response system, which involves carrier pigeons, as well as radio alarm clocks covered with bird seed and tuned to loud rock stations. ' The,RCMP response time has been criticized but I don't think anyone realizes the degree of difficulty involved in saddling up horses when you're half asleep. And until you find the cas- sette tape with the marching music, these horses don't budge. Having had the door slammed in his face, the intrud- er sat down on a couch in the hall and waited 20 minutes for the Mounties to arrive. He knows there's no point in trying to escape because the Mounties always get their man. But not right away, eh? The intruder was also sulk- ing. Not only did Aline treat him rudely but she hollered through the door that he could forget about getting an official prime ministerial Christmas card this year, which. I find rather petty. Beside her, behind that door, like a painting entitled Canadian Gothic stood our prime minister in bis pajamas and slippers, armed with a .44 calibre soapstone loon wishing that the heavier, more menacing polar bear carving had a longer neck for easier wielding. Fortunately our prime minis- ter was not charged with pos- session of an unregistered Inuit artwork. In their defense, the Mounties say that so many of thein responded to the call of duty that even a five -man undercov- er team was pulled out of the basement of Ottawa's Swiss Chalet where they were trying to link Brian Mulroney to the secret BBQ sa*e. You gotta love this country. The Americans may remember the moment Kennedy was shot but we will never forget the scene in which our prime minis- ter was nearly slap -slicked to death. There's only one way that the fiasco at 24 Sussex could have been any more Canadian, and that's if the RCMP, in their rush to get to the prime minister's r-eidence, had run over a * CANADIAN TIRE (pflflqfl TIRE ast SEAFORTH SALE STARTS 8:30 AM THURSDAY, DEC. 14 ENDS 5:30 PM SATURDAY, 'DEC. 16 (no exceptions) STORE IS OPEN TILL 9 PM THURSDAY NIGHT Minute' Christmas Sale! Quantities Limited to normal family requirements %0FF Reg Price entire assortment of in stock HOCKEY STICKS Large selection 2 %0FF Reg Price entire assortment CHR�INIASDE�RA�ONS Lots to choose from 1 5%0FF Reg Price alj installed AUTO PARTS & SHOP LABOUR Including tires %0FF Reg Price entire assortment CURLING EQUIPMENT Brooms/Gloves/Shoes % OFF Reg Price Selected assortment TOYS Choose from Dolls/Barbie Accessories/ Road Race/and more * No coupons on these sale Items. %OFF Reg Price entire assortment BIKES Assembled ready to go CANADIAN TIRE 0 OFF Reg Price over $100. value entire assortment .GUNS Bring Your F.A.C. 5.5 % OFF Reg Price entire assortment 1 + 2 pc. SNOW SUITS Youth and Adult sizes • "Great For. Snowmobiling" %0FF RePrice HOCKEY SKATES Large assortment OPtions unsure tttil MI NONNI ONE CARD. MANY REWARDS. The more you use the Card, the more you save,