HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron Expositor, 1995-12-13, Page 5• •
Prime Minister nearly
At 2:23 a.m., Sunday, Nov. 5;
1995, an intruder scaled the
stone wall surrounding the offi-
cial residence of our Prime
Minister and his wife, "Jean the
Loon" and "Aline the
Allpowerful" Chretien.
Surveillance cameras on the
wall failed to stop our would-be
assassin because he somehow
did not catch bis jacket or pant
leg on one of them.
This is the only way in which
cameras pointing the wrong
way and out of focus for years
can stop an intruder.
The non-operating cameras
did not seriously compromise
security because the Sussex
Drive RCMP officers were
either not there to monitor
thein, asleep at the TV sets or
off -deer -hunting.
We're still not sure since
reports are still being re -written
and more ass is being kicked
and covered than a herd of
mules in a hide -tanning barn.
The unidentified intruder
approached the residence and in
order to gain entry, he threw a
rock at a ground level window.
The roc bounced off the
window.
Okay, so the prime suspect at
this point has to be Dwayne
Ward, closing pitcher for the
Toronto Blue Jays.
By taking a bigger wind-up
and grunting, the intruder does
break the wind... sorry, the win-
dow on a second try and by
flipping a door lock he enters
the mansion.
Nobody knows if he wiped
'his feet or not. My guess is he
did.
He's already shown a great
deal of politeness and respect
by not cluttering up the place
with a getaway car, not waking
anybody up, especially the
guards, and by bringing, as his
weapon of choice, a jackknife.
The jackknife is a particular-
ly nasty weapon in the sense
that when you stab something,
the blade buckles back, opening
William
Thomas
a gash in your hand that almost
always requires stitches.
Killing may not have been
foremost in this man's mind
because the first thing he did
was wave at the security camera
inside the house.
The $ 10,000 first prize on
America's Funniest Home
Video may have been the main
thing on his mind.
At this point, the Chretiens
are awakened by the intruder
and you have to admire a man,
who in a situation such as this,
has the presence of mind to say:
"Honey, you go out there —
this could be dangerous."
No, he did not say that.
When his wife came back and
told him there was a lunatic
THE HURON EXPOSITOR, December 13, 111115-5
s1apsticked to death
outside in the hallway, the
prime minister said: "Ah, that's
just Parizeau, the hothead. Fix
him a double Scotch and get rid
of him."
Meanwhile Mrs. Chretien
(and yes, we may have elected
the wrong spouse in this mar-
riage) cooly slammed the door
in the intruder's face, locked the
bedroom and called 911.
Yes, behind every successful
man is a woman, in a house-
coat, slamming doors.
The 911 call set off the secret
RCMP response system, which
involves carrier pigeons, as well
as radio alarm clocks covered
with bird seed and tuned to loud
rock stations. '
The,RCMP response time has
been criticized but I don't think
anyone realizes the degree of
difficulty involved in saddling
up horses when you're half
asleep.
And until you find the cas-
sette tape with the marching
music, these horses don't budge.
Having had the door
slammed in his face, the intrud-
er sat down on a couch in the
hall and waited 20 minutes for
the Mounties to arrive.
He knows there's no point in
trying to escape because the
Mounties always get their man.
But not right away, eh?
The intruder was also sulk-
ing. Not only did Aline treat
him rudely but she hollered
through the door that he could
forget about getting an official
prime ministerial Christmas
card this year, which. I find
rather petty.
Beside her, behind that door,
like a painting entitled
Canadian Gothic stood our
prime minister in bis pajamas
and slippers, armed with a .44
calibre soapstone loon wishing
that the heavier, more menacing
polar bear carving had a longer
neck for easier wielding.
Fortunately our prime minis-
ter was not charged with pos-
session of an unregistered Inuit
artwork.
In their defense, the Mounties
say that so many of thein
responded to the call of duty
that even a five -man undercov-
er team was pulled out of the
basement of Ottawa's Swiss
Chalet where they were trying
to link Brian Mulroney to the
secret BBQ sa*e.
You gotta love this country.
The Americans may remember
the moment Kennedy was shot
but we will never forget the
scene in which our prime minis-
ter was nearly slap -slicked to
death.
There's only one way that the
fiasco at 24 Sussex could have
been any more Canadian, and
that's if the RCMP, in their rush
to get to the prime minister's
r-eidence, had run over a
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