Goderich Signal Star, 2011-08-10, Page 28Signal -Star • Wednesday, August 10, 2011
1 Dungville
& Order. In the criminal jus-
ystem the people are repre-
by two separate yet equally
rtant groups: the police who
tigate the crime and the dis-
ttorneys who will soon find
elves addressing juries hold-
gs of .dog poop in their hands.
the story.
ce asked a radio talk show
hat happens when nobody
sy," he said, "I s Witch to the
of dog crap left on your lawn
e board lights up like a Christ-
ee." Yes, an abandoned pile
poop is still the single likeli-.
vo to start a neighbourhood
ently. a woman in Chicago
d in a pile of her neighbour's
opping and became so furl-
e picked it up bare-handed
fled it at his door. This prob-
Ives some of us so crazy, our
or is reduced to that of rude
s having a poop fight at the
a walker and I estimate that
ut of ten dog owners are good,
risible people who efficiently
the poop police are out in force
All the World's a Circus
William Thomas
retrieve and return the waste mate-
rial to their home garbage bags
thinking nothing of it. It's the one
dog dufus in ten who believes mak-
ing their dog's excrement somebody
else's problem is just a little "hops.."
I've seen the old gu'• on Camelot
beach whose dog is so tiny, he thinks
it's okay to kick a little sand over the
pile. I have seen a woman waildng
that same beach who does pick up
the dog's droppings and as soon as
she exits through the leafy Janeway
by the cemetery, she drops the little
load. Exact same bags,. I've donned
the plastic gloves and put them all in
a public garbage can, ten steps from
where she dropped them.
Right now there is so much dog
dung on the sides of our roads, you
can hardly see the cigarette butts,
coffee cups, pop cans, beer bottles
and plastic bags.
Occasionally, on my own beach I
have found a fresh mound of dog
poop. I stake it with a sign that
reads: "Please Take Your Dog's
Poop With You Or. We Doo
Deliver!'
Most cotta ers have beach, wells
and eventually that feces will work
its way into the lake and in trace
amounts into our drinking water.
Question to dog dorks: "How much
of your dog's excrement is accepta-
ble for me to drink?"
The sign seems to work because
within a day or two, the pile gets
cleaned up, but the day 1 spot the
moron - and they're easy to spot
because they exhibit approximately
50% of the intellect and people skills
of the dog they're walking - 1 will
deliver his rightful property to his
doorstep or overheated car.
Oh wait, maybe I won't have to
because Poo -Prints, an American
BioPet Vet lab now offers a dog doo
DNA testing service so you can trace
the lumps on your lawn directly
back to the crap culprit who left
them there. That's right, CSI
Dungville. Science has finally
caught up to squatting canines and
the sneaks at the other end of the
leash.
Some condo dwellers in .the U.S.
and Canada are so fed up and furi-
ous about neighbourhood feces fel-
ons, they are wilting to pay $50,00
down and a monthly fee of $10 to
have all dogs in the complex cheek -
swabbed and their DNA profiles put
on file. A smear ofthe next
unclaimed muck is sent to the Bio-
Pet Vet Lab in Tennessee and bingo'
.,. you got your dog doo dolt
identified.
Although DNA couldn't convict
01 Simpson, your dog is about to
hear: "We the jury find the defend-
ant, Sparky guilty on all four
counts."
Using the latest in scientific tech-
nology to catch a dog doo delin-
quent! Now that's the 'c andoo' spirit
that made Arnerica great. That's the
kind of dogged determination that
put a man on the moon which is
becoming more attractive, as a
weekend getaway because ... there
is no dog poop up there! Yet.
The obvious aim of dog doo DNA
testing is to name and shame the
clods who refuse to scoop their
dog's poop and 1 for one am behind
it sorry, I for one support it. The
deadbeat caught in the DNA will
pay a $500 fine. My recommenda-
tion would be castration by a first-
year medical student, but let's try
the. fine system first,
I'm sure to some all this makes
me sound like a raving lunatic, but
on this particular subject, I am. If
there's something more revolting
and insensitive than leaving your
dog's waste matter for someone else
to clean up, I don't know of it.
Whatever they say about me after
I'm gone, the last line will likely be:
"Okay, but at least he picked up
after his dog." Not the reminiscence
of a Rudyard Kipling mind you, but
I'll take it.
To quote "A person who fails to
dispose of his dog's droppings is
what he refuses to pick up." Anony-
mous. Okay, then ... me..
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