HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Goderich Signal-Star, 2009-02-11, Page 14Page A14 - Goderich Signal -Star, Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Columnist feels like road kill on the information superhighway
Okay, so I once described my personal
computer as the most evil machine ever in-
vented since Rasputin's rotating eye -gouger.
Looking back, that may have been a bit of
an overstatement because my no -name PC
which was assembled from parts left over
from the last dismantling of Nortel and takes
17 minutes to warm up and six minutes to
delete a message -- my computer is more
like Joseph Stalin's nose hair remover and
nipple twister. Using' it is still very painful
but I no longer .fear for my life whenever I
hit I'M FEELING LUCKY.
However, after a year of plugging .
away at this arrogant little appliance
I think I'm finally getting the hang
of it. Like yesterday I'm trying to
reboot the bip bag when a warning
comes on the screen from McAffee,
the people I paid a lot of money to
protect my computer. And the warn-
ing' reads: "Your computer is not
fully protected So
come? The invoice you
fully paid!" McAffee
security items
!„
I
type
that
in:
sent
tells
need
"How
me
me
my
was
there
All the World's
A
are
attention,
Circus...
just hit CLOSE because that's their
department. I work in editorial and
those people in security have never
once sent me a story idea.
I only use my computer for mails
and light research which takes about
half a day if Wainfleet's switchboard
is overloaded by party lines and pi-
geon droppings. So to speed things
up I plug my new BLACKBERRY
into the computer. Okay, it's not ac -
281 tually a BLACKBERRY, it's a BLUEBER-
so I RY that runs off an electric outlet which lim-
k
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model FA15091NX
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$27 i90 MSRP
FOR CR -V LX 2WD
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DOHC i-VTEC• Engine
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with Traction Control
6 Airbag System
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ACCORD
• 2.41.177hp 16 -Naive
DOHC i4/TEC Engine
• 6 Airbag System
• Antilock Braking System
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HONDA ._ THE COlvMPANY YOU CAN RELY ON
TO DELIVER 'ME MOST FUEL (EFFICIENT. ENVIRONMENTALLY -FRIENDLY VEHICLES
WITH INDUSTRY-LEADING SAFETY AND THE HIGHEST RESALE VALUES.
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CR -V 13c -L
model RE48791N
Accord EX -1 V6
model CP36891N
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its its mobility to the number of extension
cords I have in the house but it has the full-
sized typewriter keyboard and is fitted with
rollers making it easy td move from room to
room. It's one of those Chinese knockoffs
that's really cheap and kinda cool as long as
it doesn't kill you or trigger a world-wide
recall of baby toys.
The BLUEBERRY allows me to punch
in research requests on the keyboard while
still operating my PC MOUSE in order to
access HARD DRIVE, SOFT DRIVE and
drivermacivershe'sbuiltforit.calm. The NO
DRIVE pops up followed by a bunch of ads
to buy Viagra on-line and an offer to buy a
LAPTOP or it might be a lapdance from a
woman named Desire who, as a bonus, ap-
pears to be giving away all of Victoria's se-
crets.
In a NANOSECOND I call security but
the McAffee GROUP are off hunting virus-.
es or BROWSING mushrooms so I order
everything on the screen using my book-
keeper's email address and her Fedex ac-
count number in order to pay for them.
Every part of me aches from shoveling
record amounts of snowfall which I'm told,
is a direct result of global warming and I'm
searching `hypertension' when in comes an
urgent HYPERTEXT containing six vital
documents that require my immediate at-
tention, two credit numbers and the secret
code to my bank account. I send them a
MasterCard number I found on a receipt in
a McDonald's bag of garbage somebody
tossed on my lawn. I sign off by saluting
them with the big "FO" for the user -defined
FUNCTIONAL OPERATIONS button lo-
cated on the top row of my keyboard which
also downloads the latest CD of Alicia Keys.
Kool!
So I try and HTMLwrite the word "back
ache" when backslash GEOWRITE ap-
pears, only to be savaged by underscore
APPLE WORKS WRITE and kicked off
the edge of the screen by ABIWORDPER-
FECT WRITE which no matter how clear
the words appear, has a slight speech im-
pediment. I punch in WWW and my back-
stage pass to all World Wrestling Federation
events is immediately pre -approved and
Mickey Rourke comes on, points directly at
me and challenges me to an online lock -the -
doors CHAT ROOM fight.
"Yeah, like you're going to take me
down!!! You fat tub of goo! ! ! And I sign
my email missive message from Dale Hajdu
who is my accountant.
That's when I heard a crackling sound and
smelled smoke coming through my WIN-
DOWS '95. It seems a SPARC ignited the
CHIP in the bottom of my MODULATOR
when I accidentally hit ROM, RAM and
FLASH simultaneously
ZUNES ! ! ! I send 911 E -BOOK urgent
HOT JAVA message to McAffee that my
desktop is on fire and an INSTANT MES-.
SENGER named MUDding TWEEKS me
back and says for $199.99 'they will send a
FILEMERGER fireman to my house with a
bucket of water and a CYBERDOG bomb
sniffer provided I pay instantly from my
PAYPAL account.
Yeah, right. Like I don't know when I'm
being TW I'ITERED. PULL -ease! ! !
I hit DELETE. It registers OBSOLETE
and I lose every file and document in the
computer including the manual it came
with. Ju>gt another day on-line.