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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2005-11-24, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2005. PAGE 5. IOther Views Mister Fix-It I ain’t... Not to brag or anything, but you are reading the words of Canada’s next TV superstar. Really. Say goodnight, Mansbridge and Robertson. Step aside, Ben Mulroney, ya little punk. Back off, George Stromboppaloppadingdong or whatever your name is. Televisually speaking, I da man. I’m about to land my own national TV series. It’s a shoo-in for world-wide syndication. Life is good. Best of all, I don’t have to hump down to some cattle-call audition and try out for the part. I don’t need to suck up to oily producers or memorize scripts. This one’s in the bag. A Toronto production company called Propel Television is scouring the country looking for someone to star in their upcoming show called Canada’s Worst Handyman. Propel TV spokesperson Chris Williamson says he’s looking for a Canadian do-it- yourselfer “who takes pride in his handyman abilities, but really shouldn’t.” The kind of guy who “starts out with the best of intentions, but leaves a string of home-handyman disasters in his wake”. Chris, power down your Blackberry, cancel those country-wide auditions and start booking studio time. Your search is over. I’m exactly the guy you’re looking for I possess, in spades, the three cardinal qualifications to be Canada’s Worst Handyman. I’m a Canuck. I’m a klutz. Andi have the tools. Lord, do I have the tools. I’ve got vices and hammers, pliers and wrenches. I’ve got planes and chisels, hand drills and sanders. I’ve got screwdrivers Ontario has too many premiers Ontario has so many premiers these days. People are getting confused. Liberal Premier Dalton McGuinty, who could be called the real premier, although some would dispute it, keeps appointing a succession of so-called “acting premiers,” who stand in for him when he is away from the legislature. At least half a dozen ministers have filled in and those who have done it most are Finance Minister Dwight Duncan, Health Minister George Smitherman, Education Minister Gerard Kennedy, Government Services Minister Gerry Phillips and Agriculture Minister Leona Dombrowsky. The role is not as powerful or difficult as it sounds, particularly because it mainly involves responding to questions by opposition parties. And acting premiers, like premiers, refer the vast majority to ministers specifically responsible for, and more knowledgeable on, topics raised. A question on highways, for instance, is passed on to the transportation minister. But the acting premiers also have opportunities to impress by replying to more general questions by counter-attacking and rallying their own troops, as McGuinty would if he were present, and avoiding making gaffes that hurt. The acting premiers mostly have tried to be feisty, usually by declaring the Progressive Conservative government that preceded them was the worst in history, and have not tripped badly. One temptation is to see the ministers chosen as McGuinty’s rating of his cabinet and obviously they have his confidence. But the role is not a severe test and McGuinty probably rates some others as highly, including Attorney General Michael Bryant, who has got himself rated by most news media as McGuinty’s heir, and (slotted, Phillips, Robertson and um, that star­ nosed thingy). I also have saws (bench, saber, radial, jig, band, crosscut, rip and hack). And I’ve drawn blood (mine) with all of them. Okay, maybe not the belt sander - but it gave me a nasty rash. The one true sign that I’m a veteran handyman is what I’m packing on my hip even as I type these words. Yup, it’s a Swiss Army Knife. Never leave home without it. I would have gone with the Leatherman except it doesn’t come with a toothpick. In any case, the SAK is largely ceremonial. I haven’t had it out of its sheath since the summer of ’96 when I carved off the top of a knuckle trying to open a pistachio nut. My house is a pathetic monument to my unhandyness. I’ve got a bathtub that leaks; track lights that flicker; floors that creak and dining room chairs that collapse like cheap Hollywood props when you sit on them. My baseboards bulge, my sashes sag, my drapery tracks droop and my storm windows let the storms in. Ready for my close-up, Mister Williamson. Does my lack of any negotiable skills depress me? Are you kidding? It’s about to make me a wealthy and famous television personality - what’s to be depressed about? Eric Dowd From Queen’s Park Community Safety Minister Monte Kwinter, a supreme example of an old pro who rarely puts a foot wrong. McGuinty may feel they already have enough on their plates. The acting premiers will be watched also, however, because McGuinty is under pressure to appoint a deputy premier, who would be second-in-command on a continuing basis. All premiers in nearly three decades have had deputies, although for varying reasons. Conservative premier William Davis named Bob Welch in 1977 because he had failed to win majorities in two successive elections and an ambitious Darcy McKeough was pushing him to move over. Davis wanted to emphasize he was not leaving and discourage him. Conservative Frank Miller named Bette Stephenson, who had stronger credentials than any male in their party, trying to show it supported equal opportunity. Liberal premier David Peterson appointed Robert Nixon, because he had been their party’s heart for two decades and led unsuccessfully in three elections, and still had a lot of life. New Democrat Bob Rae named Floyd Laughren deputy because he was steady and not a silver-spoon Socialist, as many viewed Rae. Conservative Mike Harris named Ernie Eves because he brought financial acumen Harris lacked. When Eves left, he filled the post with Jim Flaherty, whom he knew would The only possible competition 1 could face would come from Billy Bob Thornton - and he’s automatically disqualified because he’s American. Which is just as well, because once you get past Thornton’s undeniable acting skills, the man takes uselessness to a whole higher plane. “There are so many things I can’t do,” Thornton admitted to a Life reporter recently. “I don’t know anything about science or mathematics. I can’t even turn a computer on. I’m not that smart. I mean, a lot of (bleep) is wrong with me.” Keep talking, Billy Bob. It’s music to these tone-deaf ears. “My girlfriend can barely get me to take a walk around the block with her,” moans Billy Bob. “I don’t like to go outside the house much. This could be Topeka, Kansas for all I know.” I love this guy! He’s still got the Christmas tree up in his living room because he’s too lazy and/or incompetent to take it down. The thing winks and glitters in his living room all year long. Providing, I guess, his girlfriend plugs it in for him. And that’s another thing Billy Bob and I have in common - staunch, loyal backup and support staff. I was all set to take apart the washing machine this morning when my Better Half swooped in and said, “No, no, that’s all right dear. I’ll call the Maytag Man. Why don’t you...read the paper?” Might as well get used to it, I guess. I won’t have time for these petty fix-up jobs once I become a TV star. continue his far-right agenda. And Eves, when he returned and became premier, gave the job to Elizabeth Witmer, who was more moderate and helped him become leader. • McGuinty’s natural choice for deputy premier would have been Greg Sorbara. He more than anyone rebuilt the Liberal party so it won an election in 2003 and often was called “the real premier,” but had to resign from cabinet when police began investigating his actions as a company director. McGuinty recently returned after two weeks on a trade mission, but spent his first day back in his legislature office because, he said, a huge backlog of work accumulated while he was away. A deputy premier with some authority over the whole range of government could have whittled some of this down so McGuinty could return quickly to where he should have been, answering in the legislature for his government’s actions. Conservative leader John Tory, who was there, three times called Phillips deputy premier when he should have called him acting premier. Even insiders have problems remembering who all these premiers are. Letters Policy The Citizen welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must be signed and should include a daytime telephone number for the purpose of verification only. Letters that are not signed will not be printed. Submissions may be edited for length, clarity and content, using fair comment as our guideline. The Citizen reserves the right to refuse any letter on the basis of unfair bias, prejudice or inaccurate information. As well, letters can only be printed as space allows. Plefase keep your letters brief and concise. Bonnie Gropp The short of it Tell us a story It’s a strange, strange world we live in, Master Jack. This was true when the 1960s group Four Jacks and a Jill announced it in music, and even truer today. Thunderstorms one day, squalls the next. Tornadoes out of season, an alphabet of tropical storms and hurricanes raging through the summer. We can use a phone to send a picture, and we can pause live television. Taxes go up while services go down. We’re short on doctors and sick of government. The internet has improved business and communication, but with it, also came dangers. For example an investigative program which aired recently talked of the problem of internet pedophile predators and of how easily young children can become prey. Where once the danger might lurk in the neighbourhood, now there are no bounds. And while technology and new advances have linked us in a way never imagined it often seems we are more alone and isolated than ever before. It is indeed a strange world and sometimes it’s hard not to feel just a little panicky. We’re on a roller coaster that occasionally sure feels as if it’s hurtling out of control, and we’re unable to stop it or get off. And I can’t help thinking if it seems this way to me what must it be like for someone older. My parents grew up in a time when family members seldom lived more than a few miles apart. Their world was insular with only a radio to connect them to what was happening beyond their own local borders. Food was what was grown or produced by your farming neighbours and everything you wanted could be purchased downtown. Heck, you don’t even have to go that far back to remember black and white television or the excitement of the eight-track tape. When I grew up it was unheard of to lock your doors or worry about leaving the keys in your car. Kids roamed the neighbourhood at night and parents’ concerns were limited to a few words of caution and a reminder to stay in a group. The thought that a predator could get their hands on any one of us was beyond imagining. People took care of each other. And perhaps (hat is one of the hardest aspects of today’s world - the sense that we are all living our lives in a frantic hurry with little time or consideration for anyone else. The fact that this really isn’t true, that the human race is still capable of endless compassion, of selflessness and graciousness occasionally gets lost in the shuffle. The need for a return to a more caring society is so universal that it has even spawned a movement. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation inspires people to practise kindness and pass it on. The Foundation provides free educational and community ideas, guidance, and other resources to kindness participants at www.actsofkindness.org. The Citizen, too has decided that a reminder of the angels among us would be good for the soul. This week on the front page of our paper we invite readers to submit a story about a time when they were the recipient of a random act of kindness. These, and we are hoping for many, will be published in the Christmas issue. Don’t fall back on the excuse that you can’t write or your spelling’s bad. Only the facts are important; we’ll look after the rest. Please share your anecdotes. They are important reminders of the best part of this world — life and the human experience. And there’s nothing strange about that.