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THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2006. PAGE 17.
Journey of grief personal but not solitary
By Bonnie Gropp
The Citizen
ajief is about loss — the loss of a
loved one, of innocence, of self-
esteem, of the familiar. It is not a
respecter of time —it hits when it
hits.
As a grief counsellor with Huron
Hospice, Kathy Procter looks at
grief openly and honestly. And
society needs to do the same.
"We are a death-denying society.
We're told to buck up, to cry in
private, to grieve alone. These are all
myths' that we've been taught to
believe are right."
Isolation while grieving can lead
to depression. "People bec9me ill
because their body plays out what
they're experiencing emotionally."
Complicating the way we look
at grief is the fact that it doesn't
come with a rule book. Counsellor
Gabe Del Bianco has written, "We
have often heard about the stages of
dying that are also the stages
of grieving — denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and
acceptance. However, all these take
reflection, support and time."
Giving one's self permission to
grieve, he said is absolutely
necessary for healing and for the
rebuilding of a life without a loved
one.
"Remember the platinum rule
of grieving: there is no way to
lessen or quicken the grieving
process. It is a personal journey.
Recovery from the pain is only
possible by remembering this at all
times."
And don't worry about others'
reaction, said Procter. "Do what you
need to do for your healing."
Nancy Walker has travelled that
'journey' professionally and
personally. As a case manager for
oncology and end of life care with
Community Cart Access Centre for
Huron, Walker sees people who have
been diagnosed with cancer and in
some cases have begun the grieving
process.
She also recently took the journey
with her father who was ill for four
years. "I felt privileged to have taken
the steps with him," she said. "He
made choices I don't necessarily
think I would have done, but it was
good to walk through with him."
None of this means that it lessens
the grief in any way. "He was still
Dad, it was still too soon and it was
still the end of his physical body
being here with me."
Procter agrees, with an addendum,
that a death following illness is
somewhat less traumatic. "Illness
gives you time to say goodbye.
People who have that usually move
on without a struggle. But, the grief
is still there. You are never prepared
for the actual moment."
A sudden death on the
other hand brings shock
along with grief, said
Procter, and no opportunity
to say what needs to be said.
Another factor that _can
affect how a person, grieves
is the type of relationship
that existed between the
bereaved and the one they
have lost. "If it was stormy
you're left with regrets. If
you had a close relationship
you never had to fill the gas
tank so to speak," said
Procter.
"It's important if you
have the time and
opportunity, to say what
you need to," she said.
If that opportunity wasn't
there Del Bianco has
another suggestion to ease
your pain. "Talk often to the
person who has died. Invite
them to the moments they
would have attended.
Resolve issues that were of
a negative nature. Don't
turn them into saints. Find
a way to walk honestly
with them in death."
A book by Ira Byock
discusses the four
messages' that are
important to cover in
saying 'goodbye' to someone.
"Please forgive me, I forgive you,
thank you and I love you."
Faith can also bring comfort. John
and Pauleen Kerkhof of Brussels
have a deep religious faith. While it
has not lessened the pain of the loss
of their 14-year-old son in 2004 it
has given them some solace.
"I can't imagine what this would
be like otherwise," said Pauleen. "As
distraught as we are, I knew he was
in a better place."
Her husband stresses however, that
their faith does not eliminate the
pain. "We have the assurance of
Joseph's strong relationship with
Jesus. Those are questions we don't
need to ask, but it's entirely separate
from grief."
"I have seen both sides struggle,"
said Procter. "In my experience
those who don't have strong faith
find a belief. And faith people can
get very angry with God."
The issue of faith is something
Walker has found interesting in her
work. "They may not have religious
faith, but there is spirituality. Many
people are afraid to acknowledge
they feel angels around them, but
people get those little moments, or
when they are grieving they
will suddenly begin collecting
angels."
The tragic death of a good friend
actually had Walker looking beyond
her own spirituality, she said. ' So
that's been a wonderful gift from her
to me. I think after a death we are
more aware of the angels around
us."
Comfort comes too in talking
about the loved one. "This was much
harder for John," said Pauleen. "I
would walk uptown and people
would stop me. I had more
opportunity to talk about Joseph and
what happened. For guys it's a much
lonelier process."
"They don't want to see another
guy cry," said John.
That's a very unfortunate reality
for those who are missing 'someone
so deeply. "We want people
to remember he existed," said
Pauleen.
Walker said she brings up the
name of her friend every chance she
gets. "Certainly it can bring pain, but
I talk about good times.
She changed my life so
much she will always be
part of me."
Small rituals, she said,
will also help you keep
the person with you. For
example, Walker's son
had people give
donations to the cancer
society for the requisite
kiss. "They didn't say it
was for my dad, but his
presence was there. It's
about doing the small
things."
Other suggestions from
Procter to help with grief
recovery include reading
stories of people who
have experienced a
similar loss, put your
thoughts and feelings on
paper and exercise.
And be patient with
yourself.
"There is no too long to
grieve," said Procter.
"People are often afraid
that if they lose the pain
they will lose the
memories, Procter said.
"That is a huge fear, but
pain is not memory. It is
not possible to lose that. It
is perfectly normal to
come back to the pain."
"You will have good days and bad
days," said Walker. "You'll think
you're doing pretty well, then have a
day when the bottom falls out."
But in most cases, those days will
become less intense and further
apart.
"There is more good between the
bad now," admits Pauleen. "And we
have to go on, we have to learn to
live."
"It is a new life you build with
memories instead of having that
person in your presence," said
Walker. "When (Jane) first died I
didn't the world should be going on.
It should be limping on its side or
something."
"But most people do get to the
point where they are back walking
among the living."
While the first year will ultimately
be the worst, eventually the day will
come when you can look back to the
memories and times you were able
to share with that person and not hurt
quite so badly, Procter said.
"This is not about fist surviving,"
said Del Bianco.
"Surviving is a short-term bridge
built to let us cross the chasm of
death. Then in the company of
others, with treasured memories that
death cannot take, with hopes that
are rekindled like a plant shedding
its seed expecting to carry not
memories of death, but of life we
venture slowly beyond survival and
replace this bridge with one called
new life."
Ever present
For people like Pauleen and John Kerkhof,
who lost their 14-year-old son Joseph in
2004 grief is a personal journey that is
helped by the support of friends, family and
community (Bonnie Gropp photo)
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