The Citizen, 2006-08-31, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2006. PAGE 5.
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Life can be so unfair .
Poor Jimmy Carter. Back in the 60s, late-
night show comedians turned the 39th
president of the United States into a human
punching bag for saying life is unfair which
was, after all, the simple truth.
Life IS unfair. Look around you.
O.J. Simpson gets to spend the rest of his
life playing golf and getting high with hookers
when everybody with two brain cells knows
he's a low-life double-murderer.
The Oval Office is occupied by a man who,
without wealth and connections, would
probably be working out of a booth wearing a
funny hat and a speaker phone, endlessly
asking "You-all want pork rinds with that?"
U.S. lumber barons steal billions from
Canada through manipulation of a crooked
softwood lumber deal. Our craven government
advises us to settle for what we can get.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are poised to not
win the Stanley Cup for the 43rd consecutive
season — oh, life is unfair, alright.
But every once in a long while the Goddess
of Justice peeps out from under her blindfold
and tilts her scales ever so slightly, just to keep
the rascals among us — if not honest — at least
looking warily over their shoulders.
Herewith four news stories that ended
happily (although not necessarily for the
principals).
THE JUMPER. This would be the 45-year-
old fellow who treated a B.C. ferry as his
personal diving board last summer.
He was cruising past Mayne Island on The
Spirit of British Columbia when he decided
that he'd like to visit.
So he jumped.
Not a good idea.
B.C. ferries are big and fast; the north
Pacific is cold, and from three decks up — hard.
The Jumper described the experience thusly:
Premier Dalton McGuinty must wish
sometimes he could seek re-election
next year somewhere else than Ontario.
The Liberal premier has difficulty gaining
much of a lead in the polls over his relatively
new Progressive Conservative challenger,
John Tory, but he has developed an unusual
trait for an Ontario leader of being known and
praised abroad.
A British financial magazine has named him
personality of the year for help he has given
industry. Another publication there earlier
called him a "hottie," sexy enough to win
votes.
This is unusual because Ontario premiers,
and politicians from any part of Canada, for
that matter, rarely have been noticed outside
their own jurisdictions.
Former Conservative premier Mike Harris
attracted mixed reviews abroad. A British
magazine dubbed him "Bomber Harris," the
nickname given Air Chief Marshal Sir Arthur
Harris, who organized the massive air raids in
the 1939-45 war that devastated many German
cities and helped bring its end.
The similarity was the premier, by cutting
taxes and funding, left many cities with
weakened services. British media have a flair
for a dramatic phrase.
Harris also was recognized in the U.K. in
more complimentary fashion, when its
Conservatives, the successors to Winston
Churchill and Margaret Thatcher, admired his
success so much they sent representatives to
Ontario to study 'his policies and tactics, but
still could not come close to dislodging prime
minister Tony Blair.
Former Liberal premier David Peterson
impressed powerful New York governor Mario
Cuomo, often rumoured a candidate for
president, to remark "If I had that head of hair
"Have your buddies jump on your stomach a
few times, hit you on the arse with a two-by-
four and then throw you in the washing
machine and agitate for about five minutes."
He neglected to mention the excitement of '
having the Coast Guard, the Mounties, a
rescue boat from the ferry and members of
Mayne Island Search and Rescue all eager to
`have a chat' after he hauled himself, bruised
and bleeding, up on shore.
In the end The Jumper was given six months
probation,' a $1,392 fine and lifetime
banishment from B.C. ferries.
"It was an incredibly stupid thing to do,"
The Jumper told the court.
Judge Loretta Chaperon rendered a four-
word verdict on that assessment.
"You've got that right," she said.
DOOF DOOFUSES. You know that
brainless, thumping music you hear coming
from muscle cars and SUVs usually piloted by
mullet-haired morons? Music consisting of
two chords endlessly repeated at a volume that
rattles your fillings?
Australians call it DOOF DOOF music and
they've discovered an antidote: Barry
Manilow.
The town fathers in Rockdale, a suburb of
Sydney, erected loudspeakers and piped in
songs like Copacabana and I Write The Songs
into parking lots where the louts like to gather
late at night.
and was as young and good-looking, I would
run for higher office."
But Peterson also was brought down to earth
when he was introduced at a gathering of top
people in the U.S. as "Premier Anderson." Few
in that country, then and now, could identify
any premier from Canada.
William Davis, the long-serving
Conservative premier, had similarly varied
reviews. He was named "North America's
Transportation Man of the Year," but many
wondered why.
His best-known contribution to the world of
transportation had been preventing an
expressway being carved through Toronto
from its north to the waterfront, hoping this
would make him seen as an environmentalist.
Davis impressed Roy Jenkins, a senior British
minister and president of the European
Commission, so little he described him in his
memoirs as "Joe Davis," who was a billiards
player and household name in Britain.
Monte Kwinter, when industry minister, was
welcomed warmly to the U.S. by vice-
president Dan Quayle, who said "good to see
you again." But the two had not met before
and the embattled Quayle may merely have
felt relieved to find anyone who seemed
friendly.
Premiers can be consoled even Canadian
prime ministers have been little noticed
For the DOOF DOOF-ers, such gooey
ballads are the equivalent of aural insecticide.
They scattered like cockroaches under a
searchlight.
A solution that repels idiots and finds an
environmentally sound use for music by
Manilow — that's what I call a win-win.
Chalk up a similar win for police forces
across the continent. They're having much
more success in apprehending young, male
suspects these days. Seems the chaps keep
tripping over their fashionable hip-hop pants —
those dopey, baggy, beltless trousers that have
exposed all of us to far more butt cleavage than
is good for anyone.
The chief of police in Stamford, Connecticut
says "When I catch them, I tell them they'd do
much better if they had pants that fit."
Don't tell them, chief. You've got a natural
crime deterrent AND you don't have to listen
to Barry Manilow.
My final good news story: Herrings one,
killer whales zero. Orcas routinely round up
massive herring smorgasbords by slapping
their tails on the surface. This disorients the
herring and serves to herd them into tasty
balls.
But researchers with the Greenland Institute
of Natural Resources say herring have found a
way to fight back.
By fatting.
The researchers think that a choreographed
release of bubbling flatulence from the
herrings' anal ducts temporarily disables the
orcas echolocation ability, allowing the
herring to disperse.
Sure, the orcas miss a lunch, but big deal.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Besides, it could be worse.
What if the herring learned to sing
Copacabana?
abroad. This writer covered Canada for almost
all major British newspapers for more than
two decades and about the only time they got
interested in a Canadian politician was when
Margaret Trudeau left husband Pierre to go
partying with the Rolling Stones.
Almost the only media attention Brian
Mulroney got in Britain was when he visited
and its media reported his attractive wife Mila
had "legs as long as all of Canada."
All the Britains knew about Paul Martin was
a magazine there called him "Mr. Dithers".
Jean Chretien was known mainly because he
refused to allow social climbing Conrad Black
to retain Canadian citizenship if he became a
British lord.
The British media do not always get it right.
When this writer interviewed Prince Andrew
starting school near Peterborough, one paper
inserted in his report a warning the prince
risked being killed by bears, when he had
more chance of being hit by a bus in London.
But they are more accurate in the case of
McGuinty, who has given industry money.
The premier is not as famous overseas as
Celine Dion or Bryan Adams, but he will find
it some help in the election to remind voters he
has impressed people in far away places.
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S
Make no mistake
You've probably read /these words on
this page before and this won't be the
last time either.
Friedrich Nietzsche said that "Without
music life would be a mistake." It struck a
chord with me the first time I heard it, and it
has stayed with me- since.
Music has always played a big part in my
family. As a child, family sing-a-longs usually
went hand in hand with road trips. Saturday
night parties for the grownups at our house
meant Dad at the piano and boisterous voices
crying out country and western. Sunday
morning was the church choir.
When I was a teenager, my faithful
transistor, tuned of course to 1050 CHUM,
was ever present and always on. Meeting my
husband a few years later meant finding a
kindred spirit, someone who also couldn't
imagine a life without music.
So, this past Saturday, we attended the
Global Battle of the Bands Canadian contest in
Blyth. Twenty-five bands of young musicians
competed for the title of best new band in
Canada.
Whether or not one liked what they were
hearing or felt the right decision was made was
irrelevant really. Performing everything from
death metal, to pop, to jazz-based rock,
judging these groups was truly an apples and
oranges scenario. Only one thing was
consistent and that was that across the board
everyone up there loved to play their music
and appreciated the chance to do so.
It was unfortunate that the event was not
well supported by local people. It may have
been tie weather, which started out not too
badly, but ultimately couldn't have peen much
worse for an outdoor event.
It may have been the price, which at $28.50
could have seemed a bit steep, unless you
considered the fact that you had a day's worth
of music. When you think how far people will
travel and willingly pay a fair bit of coin for
other shows it really wasn't that unreasonable.
Young people in rural areas groan about the
dearth of entertainment. And they're
absolutely right; there isn't i lot for teenagers
to do here. Yet when the opportunity arose few
took it. .
Admittedly I have a tough time
understanding that music isn't a priority with
everyone. And there were moments, I suppose,
when some might even have thought the word
music didn't apply here. Generally, however,
there was a lot of talent on that stage Saturday.
It was truly a great event for youth.
But, as mentioned, none of that seemed to
matter to the bands who shared the mutual joy
to be found in making music.
Music can cast a therapeutic spell. It can be
the sound of heartbreak or joy. It can be a cry
of frustration and angst. It can be the force of
protest and rebellion. It can be a call for
independence.
Putting pen to paper can be an outlet for the
lyricist, while stirring the listener. The music
that accompanies it can incite or quiet. It has
the ability to make you dance or think.
There is perhaps no other medium that's so
far reaching. Its variety guarantees appeal to a
number of tastes. It can be a companion at
dinner or while housecleaning.
So, I applaud all of the bands who
participated in Saturday's event and brought
not only their music, but their joy in
performing it. It's too bad more weren't there
to appreciate their efforts in bringing music to
our lives.
McGuinty clicks abroad