HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2006-08-17, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSPAY, AUGUST 17, 2006. PAGE 5.
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This is too dumb to be true
just got a beauty e-mail. "PLEEEEEEASE
REEEEAD THIS!" the subject line
screams, "IT WAS ON THE GOOD
MORNING AMERICA SHOW:.."
The accompanying e-mail explains that for
every person I forward the message to,
Microsoft will send me a cheque for $245.
For every third person that receives it,
Bill Gates will see that I get a cheque
for $241.
Why would -Microsoft do that? Because
they're running "an e-mail beta test" says the
sender.
Oh, of course. An e-mail beta test.
There are only two valid philosophical
responses to an e-mail like this: "Yeah."
And "Right",
Hard to believe there are sentient humans
out there credulous enough to fall for
something as palpably phony as this. Still, it
does help to explain how George Bush got
elected twice.
Okay, once.
It also helps to explain the continuing
popularity of Urban Legends. You know —
modern folklore — wildly improbable stories
that travel at the speed of light, precisely
because the people who tell them are so utterly
convinced they're gospel.
Most often, the teller insists that the event
happened to their cousin's boyfriend or an
uncle's ex-wife or to 'a friend of a friend'.
That's why a lot of Urban Legend collectors
refer to these tales as FOAF's — Friend-Of-A-
Friend stories.
You know the ones I mean: stories about a
woman poisoned by spiders nesting in her
Ontario's churches are having difficulty
attracting members, but they don't
always have the best ambassadors.
Tycoon Conrad Black, who faces massive
fraud charges in the United States and may not
seem to everyone a model citizen, in the latest
example has revealed he is sustained by his
religious affiliation.
Black in less dark days was seen consorting
often with leaders of the Roman Catholic
Church and has a consecrated chapel at his
mansion here he says he visits frequently.
The man of faith explained "I confess my
shortcomings, as our church prescribes, and
try to do better thereafter."
Black's shortcomings have involved
disputes with Ontario governments under all
three political parties and Bob Rae as New
Democrat leader called him' a "symbol of
bloated capitalism at its worst."
David Radler, Black's former closest
business associate, who has pleaded guilty and
been promised a lesser jail term in return_ for
testifying against his former partner, had not
previously been described as religious, but
was said to be on his way to a prayer meeting
when a reporter interviewed him.
Alan Eagleson, a former Progressive
Conservative MPP who as an agent for hockey
stars became one of the best-known Canadians
and was jailed for fraud, also mentioned
recently he is buoyed by his "faith."
He recalled he was "brought up• church-
oriented and on Sunday nights we used to sit
around reading the Bible and singing hymns."
In obviously nowhere near the same level of
alleged transgression, Eleanor Clitheroe, who
lived in luxury on $2.2 million-a-year pay and
bonuses as chief executive officer of a
provincial utility, was fired for taking
excessive perks, which she denied, and
described repeatedly as deeply religious.
She since has been ordained an Anglican
priest and talked about how God has guided
her.
beehive hairdo; stories about cement-filled
Cadillacs, microwaved chihuahuas and kids
decapitated by a ceiling fan while jumping on
a hotel bed. .
Never happened any one of them. Simple
common sense would tell you that.
And how about that totally ridiculous story
of Larry, the guy who attached 42 helium
balloons to an aluminum lawn chair in his
girlfriend's backyard and, armed with a six-
pack and a pellet pistol, soared to 16,000 feet
over Los Angeles?
The story claimed he stayed aloft for an hour
and a half and was spotted, in flight, by the
pilots of at least two airliners. Legend had it
that Larry executed a controlled descent by
shooting out selected helium balloons with his
air pistol. But only after his feet started to get
cold.
Can you believe anyone in the world could
be gullible enough to fall for a tall tale like
that?
Well...actually folks....that one is true.
Outlandish as it sounds, there was a guy — a
Los Angeles truck driver named Larry Walters
— who, on July 2, 1982 actually did all of the
above — and lived to talk about it on the David
Letterman Show. He almost didn't make it.—
Mike Harris, the former Conservative
premier, said he is an Anglican and there is "an
inner strength that comes from God."
But he reduced already inadequate welfare
benefits, which go to the needy, and used the
money saved to cut taxes for the better off,
which some leaders of his own church, to be
fair, deplored.
Going further afield, Kenneth Lay was
described as a pillar of his Methodist church in
the United States when he was convicted of
defrauding thousands of investors and
employees through the collapse of Enron
Corporation in the biggest of many recent
corporate scandals.
Lay, who was expected to go to jail for many
years and possibly life, died before being
sentenced, and former president George H.W.
Bush was among those who attended a
memorial service where he was described as
having a strong faith in God.
Bernard Ebbers, who is serving a lengthy
jail term in the U.S. for similar fraud and was
educated at a Baptist Bible college, had earlier
assured the congregation with whom he
worshipped "I just want you to know you are
Final Thought
The unfortunate thing about this world is
that good habits are so much easier to give
up than bad ones.
— Somerset Maugham
Some of his balloons got snarled in power
lines and caused a blackout in an L.A.
residential neighbourhood.
Larry could have been, quite literally, toast,
but his chair cleared the lines and he and his
lawn chair came in for a three-point landing.
Officers from the Federal Aviation Agency
were waiting for him. They'd never had to deal
with a flying lawn chair before, but they
improvised brilliantly.
Walters was charged with 'reckless
operation of-an aircraft', 'failure to stay in
communication with the tower' and (my
favourite) 'flying a civil aircraft for which
there is not currently in effect an airworthiness
certificate'. They dinged him 1,500 bucks for
his little adventure.
Could have been worse. Could have been
like Patrick Lawrence, a 27-year-old
unemployed wallboarder who was arrested in
a pumpkin patch on the outskirts of Macon,
Georgia last month. The charge: public
intoxication, public indecency, and also lewd
and lascivious behaviour.
The reality: Patrick Lawrence was arrested
for...having his way...with a pumpkin.
As the arresting officer, Brenda
Taylor, explained it, "I just went up to
(Lawrence) and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do
you realize that you are...involved with a
pumpkin?"
At which the drunken Taylor looked up and
said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight
already?"
True story? Of course not. But possibly a
sign that Urban Legends are developing a
sense of humour.
not going to church with a crook."
Then there is U.S. President George W.
Bush, who says be is guided by God, but has
committed many unChristian acts, including
invading Iraq and causing many deaths on the
claim it had weapons of mass destruction,
when it was clear this was untrue.
Some of these examples show attending a
church is no guarantee of being honest,
unselfish or tolerant and discourage others
from wanting to join.
They suggest some use church membership
to pose as public-spirited, promote causes, win
votes as in the cases of Bush and Harris, and
increasingly to avoid going to jail.
Others will know of personal examples,
such as in this writer's case a couple who
commonly have priests at their home, but
show so much meanness toward some family
members they have stopped going to church
on the ground it does not seem to do the avid
churchgoers much good.
But this should not obscure the fact many
churches, some more than others, work hard to
inculcate worthwhile values and succeed,
while some of their members frighten people
away.
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A break for the brain well, I had a wonderfully, relaxing
holiday. It was spent in moments of
quiet and reflection, idylls with
family and taking in a variety of interests.
And as anything we do should be it was a
little enlightening. Three particular lessons I
learned come to mind. Perhaps it would be
more accurate to call them affirmations, just
some whimsical notions that popped up in the
thought process.
First, I have re-established my firm belief
that there can never be too much sun.
Weather-wise no one could argue that my
family and I were blessed with a beautiful
holiday of sunshine and warmth. Relaxing
lakeside we had little humidity and evenings
were still warm enough to require no more
attire than shorts and t-shirts.
With our entire family arriving for a couple
of days, the need for perfect weather was a bit
more essential as the image of our group
crammed into a cottage did not make one think
of relaxation as a caption.
And let's face it, the sun does make a
holiday. As a matter of fact, it makes my day. I
sit in it, soak in it, love it.
I hear the screams now reminding and
warning me of UV rays, aging skin and cancer.
I do try to protect myself as much as possible.
Shades are rarely off my eyes, sunscreen is
ever present and I move frequently into shady
areas for a spell.
But let's keep in mind, also, that sun is the,
main source of Vitamin D, necessary for
healthy bones. Here in the snowbelt sunlight is
already in short supply during our long, bitter
winters so, picking my poisons, I will not
shortchange myself in the summer.
My second re-awakening is that I am very
fond of the straight-forward, the traditional
three-chord blues. Having 'hopped our girl off
at the bus in Toronto on Saturday, my husband
and I came home via the Blues, Brews and
Barbecues in Kitchener. Fans of the genre in
most of its forms, we were keen to settle in the
(what else) sunshine and enjoy some tunes.
And let me tell you, I was groovin', especially
when I'd hear the familiar "Da dada da da".
As an aside, anyone looking for a great way
to spend a summer weekend, I would
recommend this event next year. It gets bigger
and better, is quite well-run and offers some
top-notch entertainment.
We actually had a preview of this closer to
home just before our holidays with Goderich's
West Coast Bluesfest. This was a first-time
event that will hopefully return. It's great to
see so many places offering some grownup
entertainment for a change.
My final observation, that a butt crack is as
disgusting on a woman as it is on a plumber,
was also noted at the Kitchener concert. A
woman took a seat at a table in front of me.
The top rode way up, the pants rode way down
and presented a show within the show.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Sometimes it's just best to try and forget.
These little points pretty much illustrate that .
my recent sojourn was perfect. I was blessed
with some days that required nothing from me
but the essentials. I ate, I drank, I rested.
But even better was that rather than a head
full of busy thoughts trying to establish
themselves into a world of order, there was
space for the inconsequential. Random
thoughts didn't run through, but lingered,
teased and amused. It was a break that this
tired old brain sorely needed.
Some members hurt churches