HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2006-05-18, Page 5Arthur
Black
THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2006. PAGE 5.
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Book tours: a fate worse than death?
The good news is: my latest book, Pitch
Black. has won the Stephen Leacock
medal for humour. That makes me
pleased and proud.
Stephen Leacock was a mighty fun* man
and it's an honour to have my name in the
same sentence with his, never mind winning
the award that bears his name.
Now for the bad news: my latest book, Pitch
Black, has won the Stephen Leacock medal for
humour. That fills my mortal soul with dread
and loathing.
Why? Because it means a book signing tour
cannot be far away.
Being a writer is mostly a pleasant enough
way to turn a buck. There's no dress code; no
heavy lifting, no time clock to punch. But as
with every job. it has its dark side.
Lounge singers get second-hand smoke
syndrome; lawyers get lawyer jokes; cowboys
who spend too much time in the saddle get
hemorrhoids....
Writers get the book signing tour.
Any day now, the phone will ring. I will pick
it up and hear the voice of my publisher.
"Arthur," the voice will say, "it's time to do a
book signing tour."
And like an idiot, I will acquiesce. Don't ask
me why. A genetic flaw, maybe.
Authors almost always agree to do book
signing tours, even though we hate them to a
scribe. .
What happens on a book signing tour is, the
author gets to visit most of Canada's tiny
dysfunctional airports where he/she will wait
for flights that will whisk him/her to
bookstores all over the nation.
En route; the author will eat a great deal of
quite bad food and spend many nights in
dinky, airless rooms usually right over the
motel pub. which doesn't close until 2 a.m., at
which point the fistfights in the parking lot
If Stephen Harper really wants to help John
Tory get elected premier of Ontario, he
should stop saying all those nice things
about him.
Ontario voters become wary when a prime
minister and provincial leader of the same
party. in this case Conservatives, appear cozy.
They fear the prime minister will dominate
and the province's interests be less noticed and
this is one reason they have refused often over
many decades to elect a leader of the same
party as premier.
Harper and Tory have had an alliance of
sorts since the federal election early this year
in which Tory campaigned for his federal
leader more than most recent Ontario party
leaders.
In the latest twist Harper in three months as
prime minister avoided meeting Liberal
Premier Dalton McGuinty as if he had bird flu,
although McGuinty represents the biggest
province and is eager to discuss federal-
provincial finances.
Harper eventually granted the premier 40
minutes' audience, but refused to be
photographed with him and dashed out the
back door to meet Tory, who was holding a
fund-raiser.
Harper usually shows as much passion as a
computer, but suddenly had enthusiasm,
-introducing Tory as "the next premier of
Ontario" and allowing many pictures of them
shaking hands _
Harper said Ontario should elect Tory
because he is a nation builder and great mend.
Tory praised Harper for cutting taxes .and
contrasted this to McGuinty, who has raised
some •
Tory also accused McGuinty of trying to
pick a fight with Harper in his claim the
begin. Around dawn, when the author is finally
drifting off to sleep, the phone will ring. It will
be the author's escort who's in the motel
lobby, waiting to take the author to an Early
Morning Show interview.
Because it's not all signing books on the
book signing tour. Sometimes there are
painfully awkward encciunters with local
newspaper reporters, or radio deejays —
occasionally even with local, Big-Hair TV
hosts. The interviews generally start with an
off-mic confession from Big Hair that "I
haven't had time to actually READ your
book..."
But eventually the author will fetch up at
one or more of the local bookstores where a
rickety card table and a treacherous folding
chair have been set up. There, the author will
perch uncomfortably and, between chats with
readers (if any): sign stacks of books.
The bookstores like you to sign lots of your
own books in hopes that the addition of your
autograph will somehow encourage customers
to take the plunge and buy a copy. They
always have stacks of your latest books ready
for signatures.
Well, not always. I remember the time I flew
to Vancouver for the Word On The Street
Writers Festival. I did a reading, which went
quite well (people laughed; no one threw
anything at me).
At the end I flicked my trusty Bic ballpoint,
ready to sign my name on the inside cover of a
federal government collects too much money
from Ontario for itself and other provinces.
Tory, who agrees Ottawa takes too much,
complained McGuinty has an aggressive tone
toward Harper that will promote squabbling.
Tory protested MeGuinty and his ministers
repeatedly criticize Harper's government in a
highly partisan way and if anything goes
wrong anywhere in Ontario, a McGuinty
minister is close behind, blaming Ottawa.
Tory added if elected premier he would
avoid such a hostile approach and work
constructively with Harper.
Some now running for federal Liberal leader
also have complained Harper favours Tory
over McGuinty and the issue is hound to be
raised again in that forum.
The relationship between Harper and Tory
almost pushed that between Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie off the news pages, so it will
not be forgotten qUickly.
As an example of how Ontarians have
tended not to vote for the same party federally
and provincially, the provincial Liberals lost
12 successive elections after 1943 during.
almost all of which their party held power
federally.
They regained government in Ontario in
1985 only after a federal Liberal government
was defeated, although it could not be said
lew dozen books...
And discovered there were no copies of my
hooks. The bookseller had forgotten to bring
them.
Could have been worse? British Chick Lit
author Jenny Colgan says: "I've had my fair
share of signing traumas. Sitting completely
by myself at a desk in the main concourse of
Stansted airport, 30 metres from the bookshop,
directing people to their departure gates, is
particularly burned into my memory."
Canadian author Margaret Atwood has come
up with what she feels is the perfect antidote to
the dreaded book signing tour. It's a Robot
Signer.
It works like this: the author sits in the
comfort`of his or her living room smiling into
a video screen. Faithful reader (in Jasper or
Johannesburg, Kitchener or Katmandu) smiles
into a similar video screen. The two exchange
pleasantries. Reader places open copy of
author's book on a pallet and asks for a special
dedication. Author smiles and writes required
dedication, with signature, still in the comfort
of author's living room.
And instantly a robot arm clutching a
ballpoint replicates author's strokes into the
copy of the reader's book.
"You don't have to be in the same room as
someone to have a meaningful exchange,".
explains Atwood.
Well, maybe. But between you and me I
don't think Atwood's RobOAuthor is gonna
fly. People who take the trouble to show up for
a book signing don't want to chat with a video
screen. They. want to see the author in all
his/her rumpled, frazzled, mid-trans-
continental-if-it's-Tuesday-it must-be-Wadena
glory.
And I think we authors should stop whining
and just suck it up. It could be worse.
We could be cowboys.
_ reluctance to have the same party in power
federally and provincially was unfailingly the
hottest topic.
Tory and his Conservatives probably feel
Harper has become so popular they can only
benefit by being associated with him, but
federal governments often have lost favour
quickly and never hesitated to take unpopular
actions when it suited them at times when their
provincial parties faced elections.
Parties also have profited by emphasizing
opponents' iinks to federal cousins. The
Ontario Conservatives for many years warned
if the Liberals were elected in Ontario, it
would have a puppet government manipulated
by Liberals governing in Ottawa.
Some Ontario leaders have recognized the
dangers. Conservative Mike Harris, the only
recent premier to win consecutive majority
governments, went to great lengths to distance
himself from fading Conservative prime
ministers Brian Mulroney and Kim Campbell
and their party in opposition under Joe Clark
and retired undefeated.
Tory has an extra problem in having allied
himself to a federal party that _includes far
right extremists notorious for making
outrageous gaffes, the most recent being one
MP who claimed Canada's chief justice said
judges have "godlike powers" and had to
admit she never said it and another who
suggested journalists should be jailed if they
distort facts in a story. Tory could be sorry he
got mixed up with such people.
Final Thought
lrYalio' enjoy what you do, you'll never work
another day in your life.
— Coidircius
Bonnie
Gropp
The short of it
What a great place
/
f there's one thing in this life that can be an
eye opener, it's getting a fresh perspective.
While we're often presented with new and
exciting opportunities, the ones we live with
day in and day out, no matter how spectacular.
may become a little stale. It's always good,
therefore, when someone gives you a,reason to
look at them anew.
This past summer spent on a cruise ship was
not only a wonderful professional experience
for our son, but it also allowed him to meet an
assortment of people from all over the world.
Friendships were formed and contacts have
been maintained in the months since, with
promises of visits to Canada from people
across the U.S. and across the pond.
Recently one of them arrived from Sweden.
And when my husband and I learned that this
person was going to be visiting Canada for the
first time we found ourselves looking at all the
things we never really look at anymore just a.
little more intently. For instance, while
travelling down to the Hamilton area for a visit
with our daughter I started thinking about what
a visitor's first impressions might be. Instead
of sticking my nose in a book for the trip, I
actually watched what we passed by.
One of the things we commonly hear from
international travellers to Canada is how
impressed they are by the size. This wondeiful
country is 4,634 kms from its northern-most to
southern-most land points and 5,514 from east
to west. Sweden by comparison is 1.574 kms
north to south and 499 east to west.
And considering we, on that particular day,
had driven almost two hours ' and barely
strayed from our little corner of the province,
it really gets you thinking.
Our guest, we knew, was well-travelled,
having lived not just in Stockholm, but in
London, England and Paris. Would our wide
open spaces, I wondered, compare favourably?
Also passing through my mind were the
options for entertainment. It was amazing how
quickly and easily the list grew.
Trying to pull if off, however, makes for one
busy trip. Between her arrival at the airport and
her arrival in Brussels, she had seen Niagara
Falls, the escarpment, downtown Toronto, and
to her fascination, some Amish people.
By the end of her two-and-a-half week stay,
she had also watched the Blue Jays, enjoyed
her first taste of maple syrup, tried a dill
pickle, spent several days in a cottage on the
shores of Lake Huron, visited Quebec and as
she told our daughter, seen every small town in
the area.
She's also decided that we spend a lot of
time in the car.
It's all been quite fun, really, learning from
her about countries that are exotic to us, and
hearing her say the same thing about ours. We
suddenly find ourselves taking a fresh look at
things we'd stopped seeing.
And you have to feel a little proud. From
mountains to lakes, to fine wines and dining,
from Toronto's fashion, culture' and
entertainment, to the folks who produce our
food. Canada's got it all.
There's no question, that we have it pretty
great in this country. Visitors may not
necessarily feel the same, but I have to say that
the thought has crossed my mind, on more
than one occasion, that I must have done
something right in a past life to be living here.
in Tory at risk j oining Harper