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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Advocate, 1888-1-5, Page 6enesseR BY MARK TWAIIc. .An .Oration That Fits Fluter a Wedding, a Funeral, a Ferniest Meeting er L" vett a Dinner of Baotou Puritans. A Boston despatch says : Nark Twain was ono of the speakers at the banquet in Mnsio $a)1 last night to celebrate Fore. /ether's 1)ay. He responded to " Post Prandial Oratory," and said : " In treating of this subject, a subject which I have long been familiar with, and may be called en expert in observing it in others, I wish to say that n public dinner is thexnostdelight. fol in the, whole world to the guest. (Laughter.) A publiodinneraleois theznost unendurable su=Tering In the whole world • to the guest. (Laughter.) These two facts don't seem to jibe, but I will explain : " Now, at a peddle dinner when a mart knows he is going to he called upon to speak and is thoroughly well prepared, got it all by heart, and the pauses marked in his head where the applause is going to came in--(laughter)—that man ie simply in heaven. (Laughter.) But When et a public dinner it is getting way along towards the cud of the things, and a roan is edttingover his glass of wine or his glass of milk— (laughter)—according: to the kind of ban tenet it is, with somebody at his elbow bothering him with talk and talk about nothing, that is just as nearly in the other place as can be. My scheme is this, to carry in my beetle connected and tried and thoroughly and glibly emehaetzed speach that will tit every conceivaofe occasion in this life. et it to a dot and win success and. applause ever) time. ,Lengtater.i Now, T. have a fitted speech of this hind and have brought it along as an example." Twain then showed !low bitch a areirh fa apgrepriate at a wedding breahteet, a granger gathering or a tbeolagical assembly or sl, political blowout or an inquest or funeral euysvhere in the wend, amply by changing a word here and there. making his delivery tearful er anguishing. chirpy and facetious, or luridly and thunderously e)a"luent, turning himself loose. "Suppose we ere at egrangergethering," said he, "and are suddenly called upon. We cattle up with saute lively hesitancies and deferencee, to es to give the idea that the speech is impromptu. We can venture an impromptu muerte to begin with: for irnatance, if a distinguished person is pre- sent we can shake a complimentary remark about his great talent or his clothes. (Laughter.) . Thiel givea tis au opeuiug, and abort the time the audience is pitying him. we open our throttle•vatve and go ter biose granges. (I,s,ughter,)t The pereou vcauts oe to be gorgeously eloquent. Ile weave to Are the gree er'iheart and start bine froma;a na*nserd to his cellar. That rural may stay " " Sri : I ant euddealy called up and indeed not—not prepared to ---was not expecting to bo eked up. air ; but I win, with what effect I may, add nay shout to the jubilations of this spirited, stirring, • eession. (Leughter.i Agriculture, after all, air, approximately apes :int;, may be said to be the, pa/tedium of our ezononie liberties. By at, approximately speaking, wo may be said to live and move and acquire Baur being. All that we have been, all that wo hope to be, was, is, and must continue to bel (Great laughter.) " Now, suppose we were at a wedding breakfast and our speech has got to be delivered in airy, light fashion, but Meat terminate seriouely. Wo say : ' I nut auaden)y called up, sir. ant am indeed not -not, prepared today. I was not expect. ing to bo called up, sir, but with what effect I may I will add nay shout to the jubilations of this spirited, utirriugocea• sion. elatrimony, sir, is after all the palladium of domestic liberty (great laughter) by it, approximately speaking, we may be said to live ai.d move and acquire our being, all that wo baro been, alt that we are, all that we hope to be, was, is and meet continue to be by the aublimest of the mighty interests of men. .Thrice glorious matritnony."' (Laughter.) SUIT ATTR .t RISS. it Toung Wife Wants $5,000 for Oscula- tion Without Leave. A Lyons, N. Y., despatch says: Jennie 'Walker, the pretty young wife of .Daniel Walker, in Ontario, this county, has begun action againet .Henry Blman, the wealthiest man in that locality, for 15,000 damages because of a kiss he gave plaintiff upon the • cheek last August. Mrs. Walker alleges that Elman called upon her husband, and that while her husband was in an adjoining room be satooptd over ber chair and kissed her. She was so terribly shocked and grieved at his hasty action that she was confined to bed several weeks and was un- able to do household work. Erman admits the kiss, but will defend the suit. Seven lawyers have been retained in the case. A Royal Christmas Gilt. ` 'A Vienna despatch says : Emperor :Francis Joseph yesterday presented Count Andrassy with a magnificent portrait of himself as a Christmas gift. In the letter which accompanied the gift, the Emperor says the preseut is given in recognition of the hospitality to the Emperor by Count Andrassy during the military manoeuvres. The gift is generally believed, however, to have a political significance, the opinion being that the Emperor wished to express his approval of Confit Aodrassy's energetic policy. It is stated when the Count returned from the Berlin Congress, the .)emperor wished to raise him to the rank of prince, and asked several of the Hungarian Ministers to try and induce him to accept the honor. Count Andrassy, however, refused the title and also declined to accept an order, so that the Emperor's only way to honor the Count was to send him an autograph letter, which is the highest Austrian distinction. A Norse Eats itself to Death. A. Camden, N.J., despatch says : Hugh McLaughlin, a milkman, of Sixth and Live streets, lost a horse from gluttony last night. The borse broke its halter, of out into the stable, opened the lid of the feed cheat and cleanedit of all tate corn and oats, something over two bushels. This morning the milkman found his horse dead beside the feed chest. The mother of ex -President Garfield is now over 87 years old, but still remains bright, and strong in mind and body. —Waterbury American: A Christmas belle—The girl with the ring in her voice who will always chime in when anything tolled. SAD ORRXsT3IAS: FOR $Eli. Widowed Within a Year, Children in an Asylmn and Iierself in a Cell. A New York telegrams Bays; Jacob Baumann, of the firm of Baumann Bros„ furniture dealers, appeared as complainant in the Yorkville Court before Justice O'Reilly yesterday against Kate Gibbous, 31 years old, of No. 518 Weet b`ifty.lxrst street, whom he charged with selling mort- gaged property. The complainant alleged that Mrs. Gibbons purchased ou the instal- ulent plan frons llauntann; Brotktera furei. tura of the value of; 7184.15.giving a chattel mortgage as security. Last fall elle had paid 885 on account and then ceased mak- ing payments. When the arra demanded the goods it is said she acknowledged the had sold them. Mrs. Gibbous told a pitiful tale to the Judge, saying that when she purchased the furniture she was in good circumstances end We to make, the Pay- meats as they came due. Then her hus.. baud died sod she was left without sup- port for herself and her three title chit. dren. She struggled along until she felt sick with erysipelas and was bedridden. She had no friends to whom to appeal, her children were starving, and she sold the furniture piecemeal to buy thein food, When s11 was goneshe toJustice Murray at the arkvilleourt two weeks ago and had her little ones sent to an in- stitution She begged the complainant to give her an opportunity to pay the balance assoon as she was recoveredsniticiently to go to work, but he was inexorable and insisted that she should tell him where the fu?iuiture fives or go to prison. Shesaidshe could not tell what had beeouae of the property. nerd, again pleaded through her soba for mercy. and was again retased. Justice Q'itei)ly very reluctantly complied with the law and held the peer woman in 5800 bail to answer. having no friend in her extremity she went to prison, moaning;. in bar agony, and the final scene ill the destruction of the happy home of a year' ago woe completed•echildren in en asylum, tether decd and mother in a telon's cell. 'TRAGEDY Aee SILL. Steaauer Burster to the Water's Edge— Line of Part of the Crew. A. last (Wednesday) night's San Frau- cisco despatch says : The freight steamer San Vinmate, plug between this city and Santa Cruz, took fire last night og Pigeon Point, abut forty ranee south, at the Golden, Otte and hurried to the water's edge. The crew manned of nineteen otlicere Bad tsaezt. The burning vessel wan; sighted by the Pacific Coast Steanasthip Company's Wexner. Queen of the P'aciiie, which was bound frena Sett .'Diego to this port. Sever Oates were lewereelaudweut to the rtecue of the San V-incinte's crew. Capt. Char. Lewis and the eeeoud rratc were found on the deck of the steamer, preparing to jump into the sea, as the :lames were Topi&.y surrouudhug them. The first mate and four sailors Were found. drifting in a small boat, in which they had escaped, and another sailor was discovered clinging to the bottout of au upturned boat. These alien were alt rescued end teketi on board the Queen et the Pacific. Several of them had suffered severely from exposure end one of the sailers died in a few hours. No trace could be found et the other eleven men who composed the crew, and it is Sup. posed they were all lost. Captain Lewis stated that when the fire was discovered. the men became panio stricken. ;Host of them jumped into one of the boats and before it could be lowered the tackle which held it burned away and the boat fell, throwing the men into the water. TheSan Vincinto was a small vessel and was valued at $;10,000; no insurance. The loss on the cargo is light. The i)eacon's Orrin, t'ivads. A. New York despatch says : Anthony Nelson, one of the " green goods " men recently arrested, was put an trial yester- day. AlienGillfland, the deacon of a church at his home in Tennessee, or " Sucker No. 82 " as the " green goods " gang termed him, identified the letters he had received inviting him to come to Now York, where he could purchase $10,C00 forcl050. Counsel for the prisoner asked to have the case taken from, the jury and his client dis- charged, on the ground that there was no proof that the " goods " mentioned in the circular and letters were counterfeit money. Judge Cowing held that the point was well taken and discharged the prisoner. Before letting him go he warned him that if be was brought beforehim again and convicted he would receive every minute that the statute wouldallow. Turning to the deacon, who had been locked up in the House of Detention as a witness since lee made his complaint, Judge Cowing lectured him severely. " The beet thing you can do," he said, " is to hurry back to Tennessee, and don't come here again. Go back and leave the church, and tell your congregation how you fella" The deacon said he was go- ing to -night. Trusting to Bank to be Cured. A Laxewood.N. J., despatch says : Miss Violet Hopkins, daughter of David A. Hop- kins, the Jersey City manufacturer of railway supplies, who places implicit confi- dence in the faith cure, has come to this winter retreat to reside temporarily. She is an accomplished young woman and a fine linguist. Her father is proprietor of the American Sentry, a devout follower of Swedenborg, and is said to have spent an immense Bum of money in his religious zeal to disseminate the teachings of that noted leader. Miss Hopkins shared her father's religious enthusiasm, and when, a year ago, she was attacked with acute I pneumonia she determined to test the efficacy of prayer and faith, refusing to I accept the services of a physician. She has not improved, and her health is now so seriously impaired that grave doubts are entertained for her recovery. On toe Tobogg.nSlide. Steersman -A.11 ready, Bascom ? Bascom—Yes ; or-er wait a moment. If Miss Kittyman will kindly tuck her feet in a little closer, I think we shall find less wind resistance. —It is singular that, notwithstanding the great variety in the bill of fire at club din. ners, there are some men who always want a little game after the dinner is over. "The world is growing bettor every day, And honest meal abound," t;'ome peiSple say, But still the finest apples of the crop, When packed in barrels somehow get on top 8 REm[ ltK.LL li WO314N.' She, Who Can Neither See, Talir Nor Hear, Ei,$oys the Presence of Yrieads, Their Addresses and the Music of a Blind Boys' Band—ser Fifty Tears in .an Asylnw. >klisa. Laura Bridgman, the blind, deaf and dumb iutriete of the Perkits Institu- twon for the Blind in Boston, has just given a reception to her friends to mark the 50th year of her residence in that inati.tu£ion, as well as the 58th anniversary of her birth. She enjoyed the music, the addresses of the guests and the presence of those she knew, after her own fashion, and Cl expressedapping hhererhands. approval of the remarks by Mass Bridgman entered the institution when she was 8 years old. When an infant sickness deprived ilei of eyesight and the powers of speech and hearing. The sense of smell was entirely destroyed and that of taste much impaired. She was a giri of quick sensibilities, a feet which aided her vastly in acquiring that wonderful compre- pension of the things around her which has made her, her bene- factor and the institution famous the world over Dr. Samuel G. Howe, now dead, the husband of Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, took charge of the girl when she carie to Boston fifty aago.e o. fyyera She was taught, after indomitable and painstaking effort Qm the part of her preceptor and hie aesistant, Miss Drew, to write, read, spell.. knit, and to converse with her teachers and with those who knew the mysterious lan- guage of an-guageof the blind and the mute. The one sense left her, that of Lomeli, enabled her to do this+. Talking is carried on with her fingers. She places her hands in tinned a person acquainted with the laniaiage, and conversation ie successfully carried on by means of 4Anger alphabet. As her studies progressed, this child of unknowable world WAS taught geography, arithmetic, algebra. geometry, history and philosophy, until IIQW she is as proficient in the ordinary branches of learuing as the average person not handicapped by the lase of natural powers. Ott ii'ednesdey she satin the hall of the luatitution with her tutor at her right hand. There was singing by a Omits of fifty little children in attendance at the institution, a recitation by a young blind girl, a voluntary en the organ by Miss Black, also blind, and as overture by a brass band compared of blind boys. to keen and refined is} her sensibility that it is acid Miss Bridgman ctrl appreciate, ill e small way, of course, the beauty of music by cleans of the sound vibrations ell the floor. The exercises this afternoon were translated to her by her titter in the mute language of the fingers, aud:tliee Bridgman attested her feelings by clapping her hands and smiling. '.lice Brurigmen was 5y year old to day, and eo tate reception had a double Big Bili• mace. luring her earlier years shit made it practice of keeping a jouraal. and for ten years, froth ItilO to MO, wrote page after page of notes, so that today site has forty or more noanuecript bozaltsof herown snake, the number of pages being about ilia hun- dred. She Inc ciao written three auto• biographical sketches, several poetics anti numerous lettere. AN Ji RAG1:D FATtrEet .tttawpts to Murder the Seducer of Dia Daughters- letory er the Masher. A last (Wednesdays night's London cable says: Captain Dunne, lately Governor of Centlebar Jail. and an ex•ofticer in the United States Army. has boon committed for trial itt this city for firing a revolver at' the Rev. Henry Melville, whom Dunne •. charges with aeduoing his daughter while she was residing with Mrs. Melville. Mel- ville eloped with the girl to the Continent and travelled with her to different places. The pair finally returned to Loudon and were discovered by Dunne. Melville fled to Irelaud and was pursued by Dunne, who traced him to .Dublin, and eeetnghint seated in s. oab fired at him. Melville, however, held a travellingrug beforehlm and stopped' the bullet. The affair has created a sensa- tion in Dublin society. The sympathy is with Dunne, Melville, on being examined, said his real name was Peter Higginson. Ile had been a customs clerk and a horse dealer. His first wife, who is stili alive, was named James. Ile was divorced from her in America. On marrying the widow of Mr. Whyte, an author, he assumed his present name. Captain Dunne's daughter was the companion and friend of the widow. Mel. ville said he was ordained in South Africa, but did not perform oleriest duties except to conduct the service in his household. The widow was wealthy enough to be able to keep fifteen servants. He acknowledged that he had been assaulted and beaten on two occasions for insulting women. He admitted having seduced Mass Dunne. He said that Dunne thrashed him before firing at him. Heavy bail was offered by Dunne, but it was refused. A Mad Jap. A San Francisco despatch sayer The Bolivian bark Remegio, which arrived from Hakodate, reports that lasts 'Tuesday night a Japanese who had the watch on deck suddenly became insane. All the crew were below and at midnight he called them on deck stationinghimself at the door of the forecastle with a hatchet in his hand and prepared to give a lively reception to : who- ever ventured above. The first who appeared, a Japanese, was saluted with a blow upon the head. Next was a negro, who was also struck and dangerously wounded. The insane Japanese then jumped overboard and was seen no more. It was found also that the cook of the vessel had been almost killed prior to the assault upon the orew and his recovery is doubtful. "LOVELY WOMAN*" She 1s Sized 17p Differently in Public and at Borne. "Oh, worrier() woman(" shrielced an orator in a speech the other night, " thou are the light, the life, the salvation of the world! I shudder wheal think of what this world would be withcutt thy gentle, rofinitrg, ennobling infiuenoe. I bow at thy shrine, acknowledging thy purity and truth! There is nothing, no nothing no beautiful, so true, so perfeot as a wonnan 1 I reverence and bow down before thein 1„ And when he went borne he said to the woman who was 80 nutertunateas to bshi$ wife; "What you let the fire get en low for ? You knew I'd come home half from. You're just like the rest of the women, you haven't a thought beyond your nose. iikir around andget me a cup of hot tea, ean't you. See if Yon can do that much for a fellow. I'd net like to know what you women, think you're good for, anyhow ! ".— Tid Pits, Tho Beady and Hex (Heal. Some light was thrown as the duties of a lady's maid in„ a case which wad. heard, at Westminster Police Court, London, in w io h Felicia Vincent was, chsrd with stealing some articles, the property 01 Mrs. Sebrigbt, of No. 83 I,owtides street. It was stated by the prosecutrix that the prisoner lead been discharged for ittiperti- uence. In reply to Mr. Dutton, who de. fended,. presecutria said the prisoner declined to lase her boots, and was very impertinent, It waa a tumid a duty to put on • her. Mistresst' boots. Mr. Dutton— `" (in We oseaaiont do yon recollect putting ' beaut Aspot' on your face when you were going ont to dimer?" \\ Iwo— " No, Mr. Dutton." "And were there not words between you and, defendant. because "the 'pot" fell tiff into your soup et the dining table ? ([aaugliter,) You put it down to the defendant's careleeenese ?" Mee. Scbrighta-" The whole story is a fabrication. I never allowed the prisoner to put etielttng.plaeter en my lase, and else was not discharged for earelessness in tido particular." Other evidence Having been given the prisoner was remanded.—St, James" Gazette. She 'Minted Snuggled Csreods. She e.alted for lace of a oertaiu kind, and. the clerk took down a box and excnt:d the emelt quantity in it by allying: " eold a "rent quantity of this the other day et who`lesale." "This is exactly like my maple, isn't it ?" l;ee'iii, Yon meet hese bought that Here." ,. Oh. no. air -i bought it at a peddler." Ah , " And I paid bine fourteeacentsper yard, while you only charge ate." "I see. He told you—?" " Tbat it was smuggled over from Canada." " Exactly. We sell to a number who go about telling the saute story, but of comae we are not responsible.'" „ "Jnet so. mem, 1: know just how you feel about it ; but, being a woman, you eau neither swear at yourself nor kick the man for a liar. Will you sit down in the back end of the More until your emotion sub. sides? No? Ah, well, call amain, Nothing else tc•dey?"--.IDtroit Free Press. About the Size orlt. Austria—What are you taking your coat off for ? Russia (hesitatingly—Well because itis hot, and-- cl.ustria--You're a liar ; it isn't bot. If you don't put your coat on again 1'11 take mine off, so there ! Russia—Bah ! Germany—What are yon two fellows racketing about, anyway ? Say, Russia, if you don't stop scaring that little fellow 1'11 help Mina to lick you. Put your coat on ; d'ye licisr me ? Austria --There, now ; you'll have to put it an;yah 1 Russia (with enthusiasm(—God save the Kaiser ! (Proceeds to strip laimaelf to his undorshirt).—Chiago Journal. Cotaitug ltteaue Chrtstne ass Horning. New Boarder (who has got into wrong room). -" Thish izh very a vt'r'orr-rd'nary, for if thisb izh my room an' that izh my bed an' there I am in my bed, then who the mischief izh carryin"roun' shish lamp, I want er know ?" When at; eminent man g is himself in a hole Through an interview Hastily caught, or When his ideas don't tlow—through too much the bowl, It's always the wicked reporter. If he says a good thing and it's off the third Pab'er flea as mad as a Run or a Tartar ; But when his wild drivers made clever and sage Why, it's never the thoughtful reporter, When Midas, on Christmas eve, ringing his bell Tips tbo clerks with his usual hauteur, And the office buy visits the sanctum to tell, It's always the prying reporter, But when Midas fails, his son goes to the deuce Or the coachman runs off with his daughter, And the Story's told shortly—with every excuse— It's never the kindly reporter. —Judge Ix the death of Rev. Heriot Mackonochie, of London, a clergyman who causeda great stir in English religious circles is removed. His name was as familiar to the British public as that of the Archbishop of Canter- bury. For fifteen years he continued at St. Albans Church, London, ritualistic practices in defiance of the Ecclesiastical courts, and went so far as to have the church guarded on Sundays by strong bodies of men with stout sticks to prevent the officials carrying But the decisions of bis ecclesiastical superiors. This ended, on the suggestion of the late Archbishop Tait, n a compromise. Mr. Maokonoohte hanged places with the incumbent of St.' 1' eters, London Docks. Latterly, however, lee returned to St. Albans as curate, where reviouely he was incumbent. He was niversally esteemed and devoted to the 10 • n Illustrated enobocracy. Bessie—Ma, dear ; Mr. Spoonbill has to 1 kiss me twice in the play we are doing for Mrs. Jamery's charity. Do you think I ; P ought to let him? s u Ma—Certainly not, child! What can ' work of relieving the poor, of whom there you be thinking of ; a Bessie—I was thinking he was a mil- S lionaire. b .bIa—Why did not you say so before. It 0 is for charity's sweet $alve. s Some one has written.a book on " How to Save Money." No use. he only way, to save money is not to spend it, and that knocks all the fun out of saving. re large numbers in the neighborhood of t. Albans. His only fault appears to have sen his obstinacy in not retiring from the hurch of, England, although refusing to ubmit to its mode of worstup and juris• lotion. Vermont grocers do not sell sweet cider but they keep " new apple juice." Thera are seventy-one locks in the "Eri oanal, OSEISTMAS EVE AT THE WHITEHEADS, "a My love," said Mr. Simeon Whitehead, as he sat before the tire on Chriatmaa Eve, "Otis le a glad and joyful time ; a time to draw fond hearts nearer to each other and make them throb in loving unison." "Yes, Sitnmy," said his wife. "And withal, he went ein oracularly, " it is a rollicking, merry time, end just to carry upour outstocthekings." spirit of the hour, let's hang 0, what "chirped 3ree Whitehead*though I haven'ta titlug for you, Siotmy, dearwith, 50 deyou mustn't be disappointed," adelusive smile. So with many childish gurgles of glee they went off to bed arm in Brne, leaning what looked like a long black teenage -bag suspended, from the chimney -piece by the side of a short striped souk with a hole in the heel. In the silent watches of the n i�lit Mr. r. Simeon WhiteheadBneaked tsdrstairs with a sealskin sacque under h am lie groped his way to the yawning Meek stocking, and there ensued a wild and Ineffectual struggle to stogie bit the sacque, but thoaph he rolled It into its smallest possible compass andatretched the sausage. bag to the farm of a peck measure, it was clearly a hopeless case, and wiping hie rs n o withi pe plri g face a enliven ant pardon of his Attire, be bung the garment on the chimney -piece and left it, hugging himself. as lie thought of the surprise it weuld create in the owning, for le wok not that the descendant of Eve who shared his joys had opened his drawer with a false hey and torn a bele itt the paper wrapping with hairpin. Afeatotime Mrs. Whitebeed wince, and tatting a tiny white box from under her pillow. slipped etealtbily out of the room. At the tap of the stairshecaate ittviolent euflMan wicle ber totabend coining up, and with wosiaaulypreeenceof Plied elle grasped itis bushy beard and ecrearned, "Burglars (Murder! Simply!" Taken off his guard and lois feet at the sande time, Mr. Whitehead maidenly eat down, and, hie wife clinging to him deeper - eddy, they opted together dente the stairs, lauding ina coufusied heap et the bottoua. At loose carpet rod lied played havoc wine his abreviated garment, and seniped the porous plaster and a coueidereble portion of epidermis front (tie back. :As he etru,i fled to hie feet with an volley, of choice- expletives, bis wife, who had escaped without a c rateb, receguized the f'atniliar tons and cried. " Q. Sir.iwy. ere you hurt?" •" Hurt ? No ! 'Nominee it, no !" bele ping about in an ag'n of pain, " its rose sport to be Baal as a tetragon by a fat old potpie() that weighs three louodrvd f'erl.apa you will inform me. Madam. xllame the huaanorone part ant this perfortri- ance conies in, for Mfrs, tVbite% n ad had turned ump ileo gas, and no"v btgttsl gi„, tin hysterically at hie cepera. " Mum yore stand there grinning idle a dangfested idiot, because you've knoeked yottrhuobatld down stairs And peeled his bleated beck for (aim ? Took nae for a condeuined bugler, did you ? Well, if I ever burgle in this way again you inay have rho rest of toy Memo skin." " O. Simmy, dear. don't swear. Yon said Christmas wan a joyful, loving time." " I did, did I ? Wen. ain't wo enjoying it ? Ain't wo out its full dress iia honor of the occasion ?" glaring wildly at his tat. tared garments, "Haven't I sacrificed half a yard of cuticle to make title Thing a howling sueceas? Want to try another whirl ? Perhaps I'm too slow for you?" Maybe you'd like to rig me up with a set of wheelst and an air -brake for a clan ;tested roller -coaster. Anything to carry out these joyous festivities in rattling style. There, madam," he continued, kicking the sacquo savagely about the roots, "" there's the condemned institution that hasbrougt,ht such an overflow of joy into this family. There's the teat blame Christmas present you'll ever got from me. There's the chug. Tested article," here he (ticked a table leg; He didn't injure the table leg but spoiled the shape of hie largest corn, and he limped groaning up•stairs. " Simmy, dear," itis wife called softly after him, " shall I come up and bathe your poor back with arnica?" but a vicious slam of the door was the only reply, CO she tried the effect of the sealskin sacquo over her robette gait and said, as she paraded before the glass, " I don't care, he can't take this back, any way, and if he won't have the diamond stud I'll trade it for a bracelet " (:uta S. Ot es. Still She Admired this Sermon. Wife (returnedfromcbureb)--Youshould have heard Mr. Goodman's sermon this morning, my dear. 1 don't know when anything has made such a profound im- pression upon ole. Husband --Did you walk home ? Wife --No, I took a street car ; and do you know, John, the conductor never asked me for my fare. Wasn't I lucky ? --Charity may cover a multitude of sins, but it is not its regular business. Mother nd Son. A beautiful story is told in connection with that wonderful book, " Ben -Hurn " by Gen. Lew Wallace. It is said. that Mrs. Zerelda G. Wallace, in answer to the author's wish for her opinion on the appearance of the volume, replied : " 0 my son, it is a none -such of a story; but how did yon ever invent that magnificent char- acter, the mother ?" " Why, you dear sim- ple heart," he answered with a kiss, " how could you fail to know that the original of that picture is your blessed self 2" Chinese in the Canadian Northwest. The Banff correspondent of the Calgary Tribune says: A•small gang of Chinese have arrived at the mines and are at work screening coal. According to many expres- sions heard, it is evident that there is great dissatisfaction among the outside hands at this importation. More are to come. A Bogus Santa Claus. Patrierohal tramp (addressing entail boy. in doorway)--" Rush I Not a word t Don't ybu know me, little boy ? Why, I'm dear, old Santa Claus, and I'm kinder cold. dust hand me out them two overcoats in there, and 111 fetoh them back when I bring you your Christmas tree to -night." -Table beds are new. They are con- vorted from one to the other readily, and may be used es either