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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2004-05-13, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2004. PAGE 5. Other Views Elvis a scot? Gude laird! To paraphrase the late, great Friendly Giant, I want you, dear reader, to look up, waaaaaay up. All the way up to the tippy-top northeast corner of Scotland, there to espy the wee village of Lonmay, not far from- Aberdeen. Okay? Now I want you to look back, waaaaaaay back, to the year 1745. See that burly fella with the Popeye forearms heading out of town with all his worldly possessions in a gunnysack and a one-way ticket to North America sticking out of his pocket? That would be Andy — Andy of Lonmay to his friends. He's emigrating to America — to the American south, in fact, where he will continue his vocation as a blacksmith, gradually sand down his Scottish burr to a Mississippi drawl, and make his seminal (literally) contribution to one of the great legends of the 20th century. It's all foretold in the family name Andy is painstakingly printing in block letters for the ship's manifest: 'Presley'. You're looking at Andrew Presley — the great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather of Mister Rock 'n Roll, Elvis Aaron Presley. At least that's the way Alan Morrison figures it. He's working on a book he calls The Presley Prophecy and he claims he's traced Elvis's roots back eight generations — right to Aug. 27, 1713 when the father of the aforementioned Andrew Presley tied the knot with one Elspeth Leg in Lonmay, Scotland. Elspeth? Sounds like someone with a lisp trying to say 'Elvis' does it nae? . If Morrison is right, that means Elvis's blood type is indisputably tartan. Elvis a Scot. Gude Laird, have we not done enough damage? Defeated Progressive Conservative ministers and MPPs are not lining up at bread banks, but feel they are getting a raw deal from the Liberals who succeeded them. Governments of all parties had a tradition of finding jobs on boards and commissions for some opponents who' lost or retired in elections, but Premier Dalton McGuinty's Liberals are not maintaining it. They have not appointed any Tories or New Democrats and kicked some Tories off boards, including former minister David Johnson, who was dropped as chair of the Ontario Municipal Board and warned his party will return to power and exact revenge. Tories say some of their former MPPs and ministers are having difficulty re-establishing themselves in private life and deserve help they once gave those in other parties. They cite as examples former energy minister "Chris Stockwell, who did not run again and recently set up as a consultant, and one-time citizenship minister Marilyn Mushinski. Tories point out these politicians interrupted careers to spend more than 20 years in municipal and provincial governments and their long absences handicap them in returning. Governments in recent decades have found posts for - many opponents, although not necessarily to help them. They most often wanted to divert criticism . of their appointments of huge numbers in their own parties and enable them to counter they also appoint opponents. They gave opponents jobs so they could claim they listen to diverse views and remove some who may be threats to them. They recognized their own party would fall Scots have already given the world plaid, curling, oatmeal, Argyle socks, haggis, kilts and bagpipes. Will the abuse never end? Blasphemy, you cry? Nonsense. I speak as a descendant of a long line of lowland sheep molesters. The 'Blacks' whose name I carry were members of an obscure sect of the Macgregor clan. Why 'Black'? Who knows? Maybe some of my ancestors were blacksmiths like Andy Presley. Or perhaps we specialized in chimney sweeping. Possibly we were a band of rogues whose full name was Blacksheep. Or it could be we just practised spectacularly poor personal hygiene — I don't know. It doesn't matter. Even though I am almost as far removed from the heather-clad hills as The King himself, my lineage is undeniable. I am, och, aye, a Scot. The genealogical evidence may be lacking but I can feel it in my bones. I actually like porridge, for God's sake. I watched The Briar last winter. And the slightest skirl of the bagpipes sends a tingle through my carcass, closely followed by the insane desire to mount a suicidal charge — if not on a German machine gun nest, at least upon the tone-deaf hellhound playing the pipes. into oppOsition one day and hoped some of its members would be appointed in reciprocity. Occasionally they gave opponents jobs feeling genuinely they had talents that should not be lost to public life, or simply to help them make ends meet. Tory premier Mike Harris, not renowned as soft on opponents, gave posts to Liberals Gilles Morin, Frank Miclash and Bernard Grandmaitre and New Democrats Floyd Laughren, David Cooke and Marion Boyd. His Tory successor, Ernie Eves, was premier only a year, but gave work helping direct the province's troubled electricity transmission network to former NDP premier Bob Rae and Liberal minister Murray Elston, to suggest he was open to advice from all _sources and get himself out of a hole. Rae, when premier, gave posts to Tories William Davis, a former premier, to boost exports and demonstrate even some right- wingers liked him; former interim leader Andy Brandt and ex-ministers Bette Stephenson and Susan Fish; and the Liberals' former leader Robert Nixon and ministers Ian Scott and John Sweeney. Liberal premier David Peterson began the trend toward giving jobs to a large number of opponents and holds the record. His appointees included Tories Frank Miller, another former premier, Bob Welch, Bette Only a descendant of the inmates on the far side of Hadrian's Wall could betray such a chequered pedigree. Of course, I jest — and that's Scottish too. In this alum-sphinctered, hyper-politically correct world we live in, it would be worth my life to make such ethnically-disparaging jokes about Muslims, Italians, Comanches, Bosnians, Nigerians or Quebecois — but jokes about Scots? Hey, take your best shot. We are the human piliatas of stand-up comedy. The last ethnic group you can safely laugh at. Why? Because we can take it. My people are as obstinate as Scotch broom, as sturdy as Scotch pine, as hearty as Scotch broth and as tenacious as Scotch tape. We are also reputed to be somewhat on the thrifty side. I can't confirm or deny the charge, but I will relate the tale of my great-uncle Harry and his visit to London some years ago. Uncle Harry got on a city bus, tucked his suitcase under the seat and said to the conductor, "Tower of London, please." "That'll be 60 p plus 10 p for the suitcase," said the conductor. "What?" said Uncle Harry. "I'll no pay for my suitcase!" "If you don't pay for the suitcase," said the conductor, "I'll throw it off the bus." Uncle Harry refused. The conductor picked up the suitcase and pitched it straight out the door — right into the river Thames. Uncle Harry was outraged. "You English crook!" he roared. "You're not satisfied with trying to rob me, you're trying to drown my wee lad as well!" Stephenson, Frank Drea, Bob Elgie, Russell Ramsay and Wilfred Spooner, all ex-ministers, and no fewer than seven former NDP MPPs. Davis was more sparing in offering posts to opponents and did so almost wholly for political gain, as when he enticed unbeatable Liberals Vernon Singer and Philip Givens to leave the legislature and grabbed their ridings. As far back as the 1960s, Tory premier John Robarts had a defeated opponent on the government payroll, Alex MacLeod, a former Labor-Progressive (Communist) MPP, brilliant orator and writer and among other things uncle of movie stars Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine. All these governments had bitter arguments with opponents in elections, but they usually cooled down quickly so they could appoint some of their rivals. But McGuinty is still mad the Tories claimed the province was headed for a balanced budget yet left him with a massive deficit so he cannot fulfill some election promises. Skeletons also keep falling out of closets almost daily reminding of former governing Tories' misspending of taxpayers' money on themselves and their friends, including some by Stockwell. McGuinty would face a lot of criticism if he gave posts to such former opponents and Tories without jobs should send their resumes elsewhere. Final Thought People who expect the worst usually find it. - Anonymous Driving me batty Astrange phenomenon is occurring at our house and it's driving me a little batty. Or perhaps phenomenon isn't exactly the right word. Home invasion would be more apt. The house in which I have lived for almost 25 years is an unremarkable, but solid, 19th century Italianate. Its interior has been gutted and lovingly restored so the cracks and blemishes of old age are less visible. The occurrences began a few weeks ago on a quiet Friday night. With myself snuggled onto the couch, our hyper-active pooch finally dog tired enough to lie down and hubby laid- back on his Lazy Boy, we were the poster family for nesting. Until a bat flew into the living room and I took appropriate action. An afghan covered my head as I cried out my warrior's name. Now, while ' this was a tiny bit more excitement than I'm accustomed to, it wasn't particularly new. We have, since moving into our house, had our share of those flying mammals. We've estimated that one finds its way into our domain every five or six years, so this latest noctural visit was not especially surprising. What has been is the number that has followed. Since that Friday night there have been no less than a dozen found flying around our old back kitchen entrance and the basement. Now while the odd one under my roof ' unleashes in me a feeling similar to what one experiences while watching a horror movie, (call it terrified amusement); this onslaught is too much. The amusement factor has disappeared. And after being dive-bombed by yet another surprise guest while letting my dog outside recently, I. feel my haven has been invaded. Go ahead, laugh, tell me that they are not going to fly into my hair. But, their diving flight pattern certainly makes that hard for the skittish to believe. And while my husband has no problem dealing with the little critters, I'm sure he has become weary of the call to arms, "Bat! Mark!" Because in addition to their company being unwelcome, the situation has us puzzled. There appears to be no place of entry or exit. The - other question is why, if they are trapped inside, are they making their entrances one at a time, spread out by days, sometimes even a week? During the day we (meaning, Mark) have not been able to locate a colony. They seem to suddenly appear. The other aspect of this phenomenon is that they are breaking the rules. They have been flying around at all hours of the night and day. My husband swears that the most recent guest even played hide and seek with him after he responded to my shriek. Now, I'm as environmentally friendly as the next person. I know that our furry flyer is the best insect control out there, and obviously I hate mosquitoes even more than bats. However when it comes to inside my home, my sanctuary, the only fur flying better be off my be dog and not dancing around my head. 1 m sorry, but dealing with these things is reaching a new level. We're are trying to be fair. We have looked for solutions, but that's hard when you can't locate what caused the problem. So, if anyone knows any way to make this phenomenon go away,,l'm all ears. Defeated ministers need jobs