HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2004-01-22, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, JANUARY 22, 2004. PAGE 5.
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If you go down in the woods today...
The fish managed to drag King, in his
weakened condition, into the water. The man
then got entangled in the line from a second
rod, was swept up by the current, and drowned.
Shades of Moby Dick.
Perhaps it's time to end our dog-eat-dog
relationship with the other species and sue for
peace. If so, we could sure use a guy like
Andrew Larkey.
Andrew's an Australian entrepreneur whose
latest overture to the animal world is a sure-fire
winner: flavoured designer water. For dogs.
Yes, friends, charcoal-filtered and
laboratory-purified Dog Plus K-9 water, in
flavours ranging from chicken and corn to liver
and bacon is now available in better pet stores
everywhere for only $2.70 Canadian a bottle.
"Dogs get bored with plain water,"
explained Mister Larkey. "They deserve
variety just as much as people."
Well, of course they do, Andrew. But more
important, Dog Plus K-9 water sends out a
powerful message to the animal world. It shows
them that we're ready to bury the hatchet. Not
to mention the 30.06 and the 12-gauge.
It's a message that may take some time to
reach the marauding bears of New Jersey and
the murderous barbels of the United Kingdom,
but Rome wasn't built in a day. We'll convert
domestic animals first. We'll win the hearts
and minds (such as they are) of the Pekineses
and the Pomeranians, then well move on to
the Fox Terriers and German Shepherds.
And one day we'll even have pit bulls eating
out of (instead of just eating) our hands.
But before that gladsome time, some handy
advice, should you one day find your leg being
`romanced' by an amorous pit bull:
Fake an orgasm.
you like strawberries? Me too. Janet
Connors used to like strawberries, but
she kinda went off them after she
opened a basket of strawberries in her kitchen
and found a bug-eyed member of the genus
Hylidae staring back at her. Actually, all
members of the genus Hylidae are bug-eyed -
they're tree frogs.
Janet Connors' kitchen scenario might have
made some sense if she lived in Tampa or even
Vancouver, but she lives in Ottawa and this
happened in January.
How does a live tree frog wind up on your
kitchen counter in the middle of a Canadian
winter? Simple. It came in with the groceries.
There's a lot of that going on these days. A
shopper in Brockville found a black widow
spider in a bunch of grapes last summer. A
grocery worker in Montreal fainted after a
tarantula scuttled out of a bunch of bananas
and ran across her hand.
We live in a global village. If we want
tropical fruits and vegetables on our table in
winter, we better be prepared to run into the
odd tropical hitchhiker. I prefer not to think of
them as intruders; more as interspecies
emissaries.
Let's face it: we humans are crowding all the
other terrestrial tenants on just about every
front. There's bound to be some confronta-
tions, and not all of them as benign as a tree
frog hopping out of a strawberry basket.
Take for instance, the bears. You've heard
about the bear problem? Big story in The Wall
Street Journal last month.
More than 1,000 bear-versus-man
encounters last year alone. People found bears
raiding their garbage cans, pulling down bird
feeders, snarling at backyard dogs.
premier Dalton McGuinty will do
anything to save money except cut down
on his spin doctors.
The Liberal premier says he has to reduce
spending, because his government faces a $5.6
billion deficit, and will hold meetings at which
he will seek advice froni the public on how to
do this.
As part of this exercise, McGuinty also spent
$8,000 to fly an adviser to British prime
minister Tony Blair here to lecture his cabinet
for a couple of hours on how to slash spending
while gaining public acceptance.
The province did not announce the visit and
it would have escaped notice if news media
had not stumbled across it.
Even then the government did not want to
talk about it, apart from saying the adviser was
knowledgeable because Blair cut costs.
But many will wonder why McGuinty had to
bring an adviser from overseas and why
Ontario politicians often feel other
jurisdictions have better answers.
Mike Harris, the Progressive Conservative
premier until two years ago, found most of his
ideas, including punishing welfare recipients
who cheat by cutting them off for life, in the
United States.
Britons rarely know much about Canadian
politics. The only leading British politician
who mentioned_ an Ontario premier in recent
years was Roy Jenkins, who referred to
William Davis as 'Joe Davis,' Joe being a
champion billiards player.
The expert 'from Britain might have
difficulty explaining how McGuinty should
convince the public to accept his yearning to
bring back photo-radar, which makes money
by hiding cameras in unmarked vehicles to
catch speeding drivers.
This would be a tricky manoeuvre for the
premier, because half his senior ministers as
Fifty-seven bears actually barged into
people's homes.
And where did this happen - Prince George?
Sioux Lookout? Somewhere in the Yukon?
Nope. In New Jersey. Black bears in the
suburban and rural corners of The Garden
State are suddenly and unaccountably
breeding like crazy. As their numbers climb
they get more and more aggressive about
seeking out food.
There are ominous changes in bear
behaviour on this side of the border too. Last
year, wildlife officials in British Columbia
heard a new beef from deer hunters. They
complained of being 'scared off' by bears
arriving AFTER the hunters had shot and
killed a deer.
Major cultural adaptation here: the bears
were responding to the sound of a gunshot, but
instead of running away, they were treating it
as a dinner gong.
Could it be that animals are wising up? That
after millennia of being hounded by humans
they've decided to turn around and hunt us?
Last week's Globe and Mail carried a story
out of England about an angler being killed by
a fish. Stanley King, who was recovering from
an operation, was fishing on the banks of the
Thames when he hooked what was estimated
to be a 3-5 lb. barbel (It's a fish, Arnold).
opposition MPPs in the 1990s complained
photo-radar infringes civil rights and does not
weed out dangerous motorists.
An expert unfamiliar with Ontario would be
hampered in suggesting where regional public
meetings should be held and might not even
know such locations as Kitchener, Thunder
Bay, Sudbury and Kingston.
Some Ontarians also will worry about the
reliability of information from people close to
Blair, because their most vivid memory of him
is that he argued Iraq should be attacked
because it had weapons of mass destruction,
chemical and biological, it could launch within
minutes, and was trying to obtain uranium
suitable for bombs from Africa, both of which
proved untrue.
McGuinty should explain why he spent
$8,000 to airlift someone to make a short
speech when he could have been interviewed
and his views relayed to the premier and
cabinet. There also are such things as
conference calls, which would have set back
taxpayers less than $100.
McGuinty also has a government packed
with employees supposed to be experts in
communications and public relations, who
inform the public and are long skilled in
putting the best face on its activities.
The premier has his own communications
staff, whom he has newly installed on the
legislature's third floor close to reporters, so
they can better get his message across, after
squeezing out opposition parties who
traditionally occupied this strategic space.
Every ministry has a communications
branch of public servants, who are supposed to
be non-partisan.
Almost every minister also has a
communications adviser (a couple still have to
choose theirs) who tends to, look after the
minister's political interests first.
Ministers once managed without
communications aides of their own. The first
in such a post was Janet Ecker, who worked
her way up to become finance minister,
traditionally the second most important
cabinet role, under former Progressive
Conservative premier Ernie Eves.
McGuinty also promised he would do away
with hiring consultants, but what is the U.K.
adviser but a consultant?
McGuinty has said he cannot deliver on
some of his promises and will have to cut some
services residents are accustomed to.
He said he is considering discontinuing drug
benefits to higher-income seniors, having
more toll roads and charging more for birth
certificates and marriage licences.
But he has never mentioned he might cut his
budget for public relations — that seems to be
sacred.
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giving in
At risk of having my words comp back
to bite me, I am surprisingly
optimistic this winter.
My feelings at this time of year are no secret
to anyone. I suffer from Seasonal Affected
Disorder, so winter is a time to wimper and
whine. (Well, not exactly, but I liked the
alliteration)
Yet this year so far something's different.
Oh, I'm still not particularly joyful about the
blistering cold, the nasty squalls and
treacherous driving. I'm less than enthused
about the short days and distant sun. I deeply
miss my deck, my barbecue and grass between
my toes.
But I'm doing okay. Positive thoughts, often
hard to swallow in this pallid season, are
seeping into my consciousness, keeping the
glass half full. Look how long the days are
growing. We are more than halfway through
January, and with February we can begin to
notice a warming sun.
And though the days of clear sky have been
not exactly prevalent, they are glorious when
they appear. While white may not be my
favourite colour, its crispness next to a
startlingly vivid azure is undeniably picture
perfect. And I'm noticing.
So what has brought about this slight, but
noticeable change? First, I would have to give
some credit to Mother Nature, who kindly held
winter back. Though there were some hints in
November of its impending arrival, it really
had no staying power until this month.
The other part of the solution, however, has
been that I have stopped being quite so stupid.
Knowing that winter brings me down, I have
in previous years let it. Once a rebel, I seemed
to have lost my fight. Rather than pretend none
of the abuse was getting to me, I gave in,
tucking myself away for the season.
Well,i, not anymore. With steely
determination, I have taken to the streets,
trudging for fitness under my layers and layers
of wool and cotton. I have charged headlong
into the cold and winds. I have blinked frozen
eyelashes, and shrugged shoulders deep into
the downy warmth of my coat. And I return
home with rosy cheeks, a feeling of victory,
and one happy puppy, who joins me on these
outings.
Besides attacking the season outdoors, I
have busied myself indoors with projects,
some ambitious, some less so. Painting,
cleaning, moving, sorting, sifting and
throwing, I have filled empty, long hours with
activities. Though they may not always be
completed with the finesse of an expert, they
nonetheless leave me with a sense of
satisfaction.
Now, all of this, of course, is leaving me a
little tired. So in addition to laborious efforts, I
am taking some time to pamper myself this
winter. Obviously, there's little opportunity,
but I have done what I can to take advantage of
the time there is. And it's a good thing my
needs are simple. A few extra minutes with a
book and coffee, some quiet and a glass of
wine, a comfy housecoat and a cup of herbal
tea are perfect solutions for my busy life.
All of this only means what most know -
when it comes to life just forge on. I'm never
going to be happy during the winter, that's a
medical fact. But, as it is with any adversity
help comes in the form of keeping busy. We
may have to accept some realities, but there's
nothing to be gained by giving in entirely to
them.
McGuinty not cutting down on the spin