HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2004-01-08, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, JANUARY 8, 2004. PAGE 5
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You know you're old when ...
My husband will never chase another
woman. He's too fine. He's too
decent. He's too old.
— Gracie Allen
The late, great Gracie said that about her
husband George Burns back in 1960, when
Burns was a mere 64. I don't know much about
George's subsequent track record in the
fidelity sweepstakes, but I know he cantered
around the comedy circuit for another three
— and a half decades.
He was still cracking people up when he
died a few years back, at the ripe old age of
100.
A lot of George's jokes, not surprisingly,
were about getting old. "When I was young,
the Dead Sea was alive," he'd tell audiences.
When he landed the lead role in the movie, 0
God, he cracked, "Why shouldn't I play God?
At my age, anything I do is a miracle."
And my favourite George Burns line:
"Having sex at my age is like shooting pool
with a rope."
I told that joke to my pal Lenny and he
laughed. Then he said, "Who's George
Burns?"
Ah, you know you must be getting old when
you hae to explain who George Burns is.
I'll give you two more contemporary
beacons of incipient decrepitude.
Their names are Hugh Hefner and Bob
An MPP once wandered around an
astonished legislature in his bare feet.
Derek Fletcher, a New Democrat
member in the 1990s, claimed he had a
problem that caused him pain, but a furious .._
Liberal MPP called him a hillbilly.
MPPs have shown up in the ornate, dignified
legislature chamber in shorts and even t-shirts.
The latest irritation is that a small number
wear open-necked shirts without ties and
jackets and look as if they have just finished
mowing their lawns.
The most prominent offender is NDP house
leader Peter Kormos, who does not seem to
own a jacket or tie, although he would have
had to wear such garments when as a lawyer
he appeared before a judge.
Kormos is seen always in a white shirt,
open-necked and with sleeves rolled up. This
has become his trademark and he is noticed
probably more than any other MPP, because he
speaks in virtually every debate.
A newly-elected Liberal, Monique Smith,
feels this brings disrespect on the legislature
and introduced a resolution requiring MPPs to
wear proper attire, namely shirt and tie
for men and equivalent contemporary business
attire for women, although what women wear
has never been an issue.
Smith said some of her constituents have
complained and the federal parliament and
most provincial legislatures require male
members to wear jackets and ties.
Smith recalled visiting the legislature as a
child three decades ago, when her father was
an MPP, and being impressed by its pomp and
dignity, aided by MPPs neat in jackets and ties.
She said she is disappointed that much of this
has been lost.
People in her riding are expected to wear
appropriate clothes such as jackets and ties at
formal events including civic functions,
Final Thought
If we open a quarrel between the past and
the present, we shall find that we have lost
the future.
— Sir WinSton Churchill
Guccione. Any North American male who
came of age during the last half of the 20th
century would know those names. They
published the most famous skin magazines of
their day. Hefner spawned Playboy; Guccione
weighed in with the raunchier Penthouse.
For hormonccbesotted college boys back in
the 1960s and 1970s Hef and Gootch were the
unchallenged lords of libido, the ultimateparty
animals constantly surrounded by expensive
toys, good booze and pneumatic babes
selected for their high bosoms and low IQs.
The difference between Hefner/Guccione
and the rest of us is that...we grew up. Not
those two. They're still at it. Every once in a
while you'll see a magazine photo of Hefner
lounging by a pool wearing his trademark silk
kimono, surrounded by a bevy of what look
like chorus girls drawn by Robert Crumb. The
women all look cartoonishly oversexed.
Hefner looks like a stylishly dressed iguana.
And well he might - the guy is three years
funerals and weddings, she said, so why not
MPPs?
Another Liberal, Lorenzo Berardinetti, said
his family are amazed at Kormos on TV and
asked "Why is that guy walking up and down
with a white shirt on?"
Kormos turned up for the debate on the"
resolution in a borrowed tuxedo to show his
lack of regard for it and as an effective speaker
demonstrated how easy it is to riddle it with
holes.
Kormos said the NDP also believes the
legislature should set standards and one is that
MPPs should be judged by the value of what
they say and not how they dress. This has some
validity.
Rows of MPPs in smart suits• refusing to
increase the meagre minimum wage, as the
Progressive Conservatives did from 1995-
2003 to keep business votes, did less for the
public than a single New Democrat in shirt
sleeves describing the hardships and pleading
for a raise.
Kormos said the NDP is more concerned
away from his 80th birthday.
Bob Guccione isn't far behind. He's'72, still
sporting a badly dyed, greasy-curled toupee
and lashings of gold chains around his neck.
And still hanging on as.publisher and editor
of Penthouse.
But he's got troubles. Playboy's circulation
has fallen badly over the past few years, but
Penthouse's audience numbers are in free fall.
In 1998, more than a million customers
bought copies of the magazine. By last year,
the numbers were down to 565,700 and
• dropping.
Last fall, Guccione filed for bankruptcy
protection. He stepped down as CEO of
Penthouse International and handed the keys
over to one Milton Polland, head of a
California communication company.
Mister Polland is 92 years old.
Not that there's anything inherently wrong
with the spectacle of three senior -citizens
geriatrically jockeying for the privilege of
putting out soft-core porn magazines aimed at
pimply-faced teenage lads...but it is kinda
pathetic.
Mind you, it could be worse. They could
have run for Governor of California - or the
U.S. Presidency.
More power to you, gents. I say, keep it up!
And if that becomes a problem, there's
always Viagra.
smarter
with another standard, that all MPPs should
ask ministers worthwhile questions in the time
allocated in the legislature and not merely lob
soft issues that give them opportunities to
reply and boost their policies, as the Liberals
do daily.
Kormos's criticism is well-founded, but
NDP backbenchers asked easy questions just
like anyone else when they were in
government from 1990-95.
Kormos claimed the NDP also believes the
legislature should 'sit more often to discuss
issues that matter and criticized the Liberals
for planning a three month's recess.
But his party in government kept the
legislature closed for six months to avoid
facing embarrassing questions.
A couple of Tory MPPs argued the
legislature should be discussing more
important issues.
But, despite the criticisms, MPPs approved
the resolution to require them to wear jackets
and ties by 30 votes to 18, which means it has
a fair chance of being put into practice.
Having MPPs dress in jackets and ties will
not bring huge new gasps of admiration for the
legislature and they would help it more if they
stopped howling down opponents or calling
them "asshole," as former Tory premier Mike
Harris did.
But it would be a small way of showing
MPPs have respect for the legislature, which
would encourage a little more respect by
others.
Bonnie
Gropp
The short of it
Improvements?
I
Christmas is behind us, and another new
year begun. It is a time for resolutions,
to look ahead at new beginnings and
consider fresh starts.
And yet, having personally determined that
auld acquaintances should not be forgot, the
start of a new year has become a time for
introspection and retrospection. This was
probably for myself, never as true as it has
been this year.
It was our turn to host the annual New Year's
Eve get-together. And as I welcomed this
particular group of friends to my home. I
couldn't help a little sentimental sojourn down
the path to nostalgia. After all, it was Dec. 31,
1976 when I was first introduced to most of
them, as the new gal in Mark's life. While
some have come and gone over the years, we
have spent every New Year's Eve since with
that core group. We have watched each other
and ourselves get older, wiser and generally
wider.
And as I looked at them and thought of those
changes, I also found myself taking a broader
view. Ushering in 1977 there was no internet,
no cell phones. We used cash or credit to pay
for items, never dreaming there would some
day only be the need of a little item aptly
tagged a convenience card. Only a few
families in those days had the relatively new
kitchen innovation called a microwave, and the
first VHS VCR wouldn't be released until that
year.
In the mid-1970s if you didn't want to hear
disco, you better be listening to an oldies,
country or classical radio station and All In the
Family was the number one television show.
We'd never heard of AIDS and HIV, didn't
worry much about our drinking water and
mosquito bites were simply an annoyance.
Yes. the world has changed almost as much
as rn} fnends and I. Then, last Saturday, it got
even more dramatic. My siblings and our
children hosted a 60th anniversary party for
our parents. While there was obvious
recognition on how pleasant it was for the
celebrants it soon became evident that the
occasion was an opportunity for others as well.
Watching greetings exchanged between old
acquaintances and long-lost friends was
heartwarming.
Thinking of the memories they shared, of
how far back in time they go, I found myself
yet again pondering the world as they knew it.
On Dec. 30, 1943, the day my parents married,
World War II was the biggest reality.
Diseases such as polio were the terror of the
time but penicillin as an antibiotic for humans
was in the development stage.
While faces like Buster Keaton and Laurel
and Hardy appeared on television, not every
household owned one, listening instead to
entertainers like Gary Moore on the radio.
The big band era was in full swing and
everybody went to dances. Lena Horne had
just released Stormy Weather. Children still
dressed like their parents and at least
pretended to listen to them.
Pre-marital sex could get even consenting
adults a societal cold shoulder, and the nuclear
family was not the preferred option, but the
only option.
There'd been no moon walk, not Neil
Armstrong's or Michael Jackson's. There were
no answering machines or• fax machines, no
aromatherapy or spas.
So much change in what, I'm sure, has
seemed so little time. Now, I think I'll give
some thought to which, if any, have really
made life better.
Time for MPPs to dress
Letter to the Editor
THE EDITOR,
In October, we wrote a letter to the editor of three local newspapers, requesting donations of
children's clothing or toys or financial contributions towards the work of the TLC orphanage in
South Africa. We expected to receive some support from the communities, but what we've
experienced has been overwhelming.
We have left Canada with over $8,000 in monetary donations (which will be used to purchase
a new washing machine and dryer for TLC) as well as enough clothing and toys to fill three large
suitcases and a hockey bag. In addition, we were able to send six boxes of winter clothing on to
an orphanage in Afghanistan — since winter woolies won't be necessary in South Africa's hot
climate.
We have been so blessed by such enormous generosity. Infte thank yous!
Jess and Steph Bokhout