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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2000-06-21, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 2000. PAGE 5. Other Views There is some assembly required One of my favourite stories about Stephen Spielberg - (actually, my only story about him. In fact, I'm not even sure if it’s Stephen or Steven) - is one that his wife tells. One night in his Hollywood home, the guru of technological space movie wizardry complained about the heat. “Turn the thermostat down” his wife said. “What’s a thermostat?” asked Spielberg. His wife pointed out the plastic doohickey on the bedroom wall. Spielberg looked at it like it was an artifact from the asteroid Arcturon. “No kidding,” he said. “How does it work?” My kind of man. I, too, am a technophobe. The last mechanical device I had any hope of actually understanding was my one-speed CCM bike, circa 1956. Mountain bikes mystify me. Hell, oven toasters mystify me. I have a TV set with access to 300 channels - so I’m told. I have to get Ruby to turn it on for me. Ruby is my niece. Aged nine. My computer? You don’t want to know about my computer. I have mastered turning it on and turning it off and even typing a few pages (screens?) and printing them off. But that’s only because I have painstakingly hand-lettered step-by-step post-it notes that are pasted across the bottom of my monitor, marching me through the process. And it never goes smoothly. That’s why my nine-year-old niece is required to observe a 100-yard Profanity No- Go Zone when Uncle Art is dueling mano a Hello again to San Francisco Every once in a while I find myself on the way to San Francisco and so it was that this year, as soon as I had my work at the university packed away for the time being, I put my life in the hands of Air Canada and took the 5 1/2 hour trip from Toronto to the west coast. All this in spite of the fact that some soothsayers had predicted that the day after my arrival, there would be disastrous earthquakes in the very region I was visiting. Just to give you a word of advice right at the beginning, you may be able to cross the American border by car without your passport but not by plane. I was asked for it at the Toronto airport where you clear American customers and again in San Francisco when I made my return flight. To use a well known phrase, “Don’t leave home without it.” The flight was for the most part uneventful. I pointed out to the pilot which city was San Francisco so he would land at the right airport and then showed him how to lower the landing gear on the new Airbus 320. After the safe landing, I was on my way north of the city over the famous Golden Gate Bridge, which was, to be honest, not in its golden state at all but rather a dull red, obviously the primer coat on what must be a continuous painting of the bridge. On the one side I could see the Pacific Ocean and on the other the bay with the famous island of Alcatraz. Since tolls are charged on southbound traffic only, I crossed toll-free, to my immense satisfaction. I was not long on the ground before one important question came to mind. What would the economy in that state do if it were not for the very large Mexican population there? I think I know the answer. It would collapse! Just about all the semi-skilled labour and below was carried out by these people and my next question would be how many of them are in the country illegally. Judging from what I have read, it is uncertain but it is in the millions. Nobody seems to care too much because mano with his computer. But it doesn’t require the presence of working electrons to leave me in the dust. I never, for instance, program VCRs. When desperate maidens flag me down on the highway begging for a boost, I wave and shrug and smile haplessly, pretending I have no battery cables. I have battery cables. They are still in the original cellophane. Because I can’t remember if the ##&A%@+** things go positive to negative or positive to positive. Not to mention which is black and which is red. I am a technophobe. Which is a sorry thing to be in this mercilessly technocratic age in which we live. Even sorrier when you consider that I don’t live within the same telephone exchange as Ted Stewart. Ted is the answer to a technophobe’s dreams. He lives in Fredericksburg, Virginia and each working day, he hops into his truck - the one full of screwdrivers and hammers and gauges and saws and awls and levels and miter boxes and all the other sundry mysteries of the handyman’s trade, and ... Raymond Canon The International Scene they are doing many of the jobs that Americans no longer want to do. After my first night in a motel, the cleaning lady came around to do my room. You guessed it, she was Mexican and she brought her two children with her. None of them spoke much in the way of English and she was therefore both surprised and pleased when I addressed her in Spanish. While she was cleaning the room, I chatted with the children, aged four and seven and, after telling them where I was from and describing Canada a bit, I proceeded to teach them how to count in English and to say a few expressions. They were both very polite and shook hands with me when they left. Mother was delighted with the instant babysitting. One of my tasks was to go to the Napa Valley to see the wine growing region. It is big business with scores of small wineries along the side of the road, something like you see in the Niagara Peninsula. What impressed me was the Napa Valley Wine Train which runs the whole length of the valley. You. can take a ride on it, have a fine meal and taste all the wines of the region. Since I was doing the tasting by car, I soon came to the realization that taking the train might be the better option since the alcohol content in my blood started to rise to dangerous levels after the first few wineries. I certainly liked the concept of the train. If the track running from Windsor through Kingsville and Leamington had not been torn up, it would have been a great idea to have a similar train running along the lake and serving meals with the wines from Pelee Island featured. They are just as good as the ones I ... save the bacon of technophobes like me. Ted is a freelance Mister Fixit. He can put 200-300 miles a day on his pickup, roaming the suburbs of Virginia to bail out all-thumbs nerdballs like me who can’t put together their back decks or pool tables or hot tubs or exercise gyms. Ted is intimately familiar with no-talent bozos like myself. “These guys just don’t want to mess with stuff, or they don’t know how,” says Ted. “There are a lot of guys who don’t know how to tum a wrench.” Oh, well said, Ted. I don’t want to alarm you, but there are certain guys out there who aren’t exactly sure what constitutes a wrench. Those flat steel things that look like Mr. Magoo’s mouth on each end, right? I knew that. Anyway, Ted runs a one-man company called Some Assembly Required, which bails out klutzes like me and is just about the best business idea I’ve heard since Adam’nEve Apple Products Inc. Mind you, he has rules. “If I come in and do the job, it’s one price. If you want to help, it’s another price. And if you’ve already attempted to build it on your own, it’s going to cost even more.” Sure, Ted - I can live with that. And I could use your help. Real soon, actually. I’m going to call you up and make an appointment. Just as soon as I can find somebody to help me tum on this @*&%$!A cell phone. tasted in California and why should the Americans have all the good ideas. You never know what you are going to see in San Francisco, so I was not surprised to run into protest groups training to picket at the Democratic and Republican National Conventions when the candidates are chosen (we already know who they are) for the presidential election later this year. The protesters were bragging what they had accomplished at the WTO meeting in Seattle and the IMF/World Bank gathering in Washington but, after listening to them, I still have the feeling that while they may be against something, they are extremely vague what they are for. In other words, they do not know what would work that they could put in the place of the current organizations. But at least they were spending some time learning how not to offend the police too much. San Francisco, as you may know, is just north of Silicon Valley, the home of high-tech industries and, due to the shortage of space, real estate prices have gone through the roof. We think that Toronto is expensive but it is cheap compared to the San Francisco area. If you look at the map, you will quickly see that expansion is hemmed in by the Bay; you have to make do with what is there. Just before I left for Canada, I decided to try some of the restaurants for which the city is famous. I chanced upon a Chinese restaurant that did not seem too busy (I was rather late in getting there and most of the patrons were close to leaving). At any rate I''had a fine meal and the head waiter, not being busy, sat down for a half-hour chat with me. He was from the mainland of China, spoke very good English and we had a great discussion on the likely future of China and, above all, its relations with Taiwan. All in all, a nice way to end a trip. The next morning I was up at 5:30 to catch an early morning flight to Toronto, arriving just in lime to face the rush hour traffic out of the city. Traffic congestion seems to be endemic, regardless of the country. Bonnie Gropp The short of it Here comes the bride Here comes the bride. And another one, and another one and another one. Summertime is traditionally the season of matrimony. With love in full bloom, couples pick a day (or as is often the case a day is more likely picked for them by extenuating circumstances such as hall bookings) to declare undying devotion and begin a life together. They hope for a day blessed with sunshine and warmth, to be shared by family and friends. We offer gifts gladly to extend our best wishes to the young newlyweds. After all this display of loyalty and commitment to another human being is a life-affirming occasion, hopeful, joyful. Unfortunately, you can get too much of a good thing. As a young 20-something some time ago, there was for several years running an unceasing round of nuptials, as many of my friends seemed to be of the same inclination. There were buck and does to attend, showers, stags, and of course the weddings. Many times in addition to the gifts, there was the purchase of a bridesmaid’s dress as well as the costs involved in hosting a shower. As half of a young couple also just starting out, I saw it as quite a challenge. A decade or so later things finally slowed to the point where matrimonial celebrations were so few and far between I almost looked forward to them. Being invited to a wedding was a novel interlude in my humdrum existence. Running out to buy the gift was actually a bit of fun as I looked at many of the items in my own home that needed replacing. However, as is the case with much of life, things have come full circle and our family finds itself looking ahead at a summer of love. The next generation has come of marrying age and seemingly its representatives all got in the mood to tie the knot at the same time. What this means, of course, is one very busy, very expensive summer. This past weekend we hosted a Jack and Jill, for the first to be married, my nephew in early August in Toronto, where luckily rooms are being booked at the bargain rate of $115 per night. I have lived in the country way too long. Anyway, this will be followed by the first of several buck^nd does, all with at least one complementary shower. Then it’s the weddings, three in August, one in September. I know I may sound it but I’m not really complaining. Even as a cynical, I’ve-been - around-too-long-to-be-anything-but kind of gal, there is something special about the whole rigmarole. Firstly, even though weddings do make for a busy, often costly time for everyone, it's always nice to get together with family for the good things. Our recent day was as expected enjoyable. It was interesting once again to be reminded that without seeing it happen, we are suddenly the older generation. And once I get over the initial shock when confronted by this reality it’s kind of fun being among the worldly elders of the tribe. But more importantly, there is the knowledge that despite the high rate of divorce, the concern about the demise of the nuclear family, young people are still getting married, hopeful that what they have is strong, or at least worth the try.